Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of CSI:NY, I just write the stories!
Killing Me Slowly
Since I was born, luck has never been on my side. Life has never smiled to me in any way—or when I thought it did, the consequences came to hunt me afterwards. The only thing I could be grateful to have was my job and my good friends, my team. Beside that, the rest of my life was pretty much filled with sorrow, pain and disappointment. Every single time I thought being finally out of it all, something happened to bring me back to the ground. Someone once told me "It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun." — I now understand it very well. Of course, I still wonder why it is that way. I always am so careful with everything—well I try to be anyway. I admit I've done a few mistakes in my life—I'm not perfect—but compared to some others, I consider myself pretty much on the right path.
I finished preparing my cup of hot chocolate and went to the living room to watch the snow fall outside. Winter was so beautiful and so peaceful... yet there still had to be crimes in New York City. This time of year was always jolly—more for some than others, of course. But I still liked the holidays even if I spent them alone most of the time. I would just sit around in my apartment with some snacks I had made and listen to Christmas music. Some would find it pretty boring but I liked it that way. That of course if nobody at the lab had decided to make a party. In those cases, I went. I can still remember our Christmas party of a few years ago. Danny had invited us all at the bar—everyone had gone too. We had had a blast—even though everyone kept on insisting that Mac and I dance together. We had accepted after all and it made them happy. I couldn't deny I had enjoyed the dance—it was actually pretty fun. I had seen a side of Mac I had never really seen before. The guy was quite a dancer. I wish it could be like this again this year... unfortunately, it wasn't. The year after, Mac had spent the holidays with Peyton and everyone else seemed to have plans. I had spent the entire time thinking, wondering, hoping. And going out alone wasn't really pleasant—well not for me. It was Christmas Eve and I felt pretty alone already. Thinking I still had Christmas Day and New Year's Eve to go through kind of depressed me. Usually, I never really felt that way but this year, I felt lonely. The atmosphere in my apartment was so gloomy, so dark. I had prepared a few snacks earlier but I wasn't really hungry. I turned around and looked at my Christmas tree—it seemed to be the only light in the whole place. I had decorated it in middle November, thinking it was better that way in case I had some plans. I knew by then that almost everyone was gone or was celebrating with family but I still had hope some people would be alone like me so that we could've celebrated together. Unfortunately, everyone had their own plans.
I sat down on the couch with my cup of hot chocolate to warm me up—it was so cold even my purple wool shirt couldn't warm me up. I turned on the television but unfortunately, nothing interesting was playing—only crappy romance movies. Even Christmas movies had to be romantic now! I watched the news for a few minutes and then decided to turn off the TV. Listening about crimes didn't interest me tonight—I dealt with them everyday.
I sighed and reached for my cell phone on the table in front of me. I went through my entire list of contacts to see if maybe, by some chance, someone would want to talk to me. I stopped when I reached Mac's name... Nah, he was probably with Aubrey and I certainly didn't want to disturb him. Not that I wanted to spend the evening with him—just a little chat wouldn't have hurt. I just felt like I needed to talk to somebody to get me out of this gloomy, depressing mood.
I threw my phone next to me on the couch—I guess I was going to be bored like this all night.
I rose from my seat and ambled towards the fridge to grab a few cookies and wine. I assume if I wanted to have a little more fun, I had to drink some alcohol.
I quickly chugged my hot chocolate and grabbed a long glass in the cupboard. I poured the liquid and then remembered the box of chocolate and the shrimp ring I had bought two days ago. I took all my snacks including the wine and went to the living room. I still had some deserts in my fridge but I didn't want to gain ten pounds only tonight. I drank and ate, drank and ate until the shrimp ring was empty and the alcohol started to kick in. Tonight, I really felt Greek.
On my way to the garbage bin in the kitchen, I remembered the leftovers of pasta from the night before. I smiled and grabbed a plate. There was only enough for small plate so I didn't have to feel bad. It seemed like the more I ate, the better I felt. But unfortunately, the more I drank, the more I thought of Mac and Aubrey. There was something inside of me telling me to hate her but my conscience told me not to. I had learned to act with my head instead of listening to my heart and I still had to do so to avoid being caught in a mix of emotions, of deception and guilt. I didn't want to hurt anyone and certainly not destroy my wonderful friendship with Mac. Losing Mac would hurt me more than anything else—it would kill me. Mac was the only family I had when things went wrong. He was the only one who was capable of giving me back my sanity when I just wanted to get crazy. The only thing he had to do was look me in the eyes or give me a smile and I was back to my old self again. Without him, I'd go crazy. Losing him would be losing everything—I would have no reason to live anymore.
Sometimes I would wake up in the morning wondering what was the purpose of life, of carrying so much weight on my shoulders when everything seemed so useless—when I seemed so worthless. Why give myself so much trouble, why waste so much energy? There were times in life when even breathing would become laborious. But what happened when you didn't want to breathe anymore, when you didn't have the strength? You died, that's what happened. Sometimes I felt as though even if I would die, nobody would notice, nobody would even care. Before, Mac made me feel like I was worth something, like people actually cared about me. But now, Mac had Aubrey in his life—it wasn't official yet but I was sure it was coming. Just like with Peyton—but Peyton seemed better for him. I was getting along pretty well with her. I couldn't say I hated Aubrey—I didn't even know her that much. She just didn't seem right for him.
I poured some more white wine into my glass—my sixth glass. Alcohol usually woke me up but now, it depressed me more than ever, it sunk me into that large pool of sorrow, of pain, of darkness, of depression. Every sip sank me lower and lower, soon drowning me in my misery. I couldn't believe I was sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself while some others were out partying and having a good time. I chugged another swig and let the liquid tickle my tongue all the way down my throat to the pit of my stomach. My head was already starting to spin but I didn't care. I was tired of living in a world I didn't like—I wanted to escape to a better place instead. Maybe the more I drank, the more my problems would go away, the more unconscious I would feel. Being fully awake would only force my mind on things I didn't want to think about at the moment. But unfortunately, it resulted in nothing at all once again. I ate some more chocolates and cookies and then made myself another glass—one more. Then one more turned into a second one and a third one and last thing I knew I was up to my eleventh glass. I didn't even know how I could still be alive, how I could still stand on two feet.
I turned on the radio and raised the volume full blast. I didn't even know the song but the beat was good. I danced and danced until conscience told me to sit down before something happened. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like and alcoholic, trying to drown my pain in alcohol. I just felt as if I was slowly falling apart, as if there was no other was to patch things up. My heart had been broken so many times in my life, shattered into thousand of pieces.
A knock on the door was what woke me up, forcing me to change back into the Stella Bonasera form. I took a deep breath and found the courage and the strength to stand up and walk to the door. I gently turned the handle and opened to whoever was standing behind. My green eyes narrowed as I tried to paint a clear image of the person who was in front of me. It took me about half a minute to put the blurry pieces together to see a clear face. "Mac? What are you doing here?"
Here's the first chapter, I will post the second one as soon as I'm done with it. Hope you liked! :)