TOW the Frolicking
Summary: Based off of Season 9's "TOW Phoebe's Rats." When disappointed about not being able to have "hot nanny," Joey decides to write the fairy tale he had created…with some help from his friends, of course.
A/N: I know spacemonkey69 has a similar fic in which Rachel tries to write a dirty romance novel ("One Night Stand"). There is honestly no infringement intended, (I have her permission; I'm just posting this so that I don't get reviews with P.S.: Did you ever read spacemonkey69's "One Night Stand" series?). I just happened to be watching "TOW Phoebe's Rats" and thought it would be funny if Joey actually sat down and tried to write his fairy tale about the Princess, the Stable Boy, and the Lesbian. I didn't remember spacemonkey69's fic (which was awesome!) until about an hour later.
"She was so hot!"
"Oh my God shut up!" Chandler exclaimed. The rest of the group gave Joey similar reactions, somewhere between eye-rolling and frustrated sighs.
"You've been talking about Molly for the past two days!" Monica yelled. "Stop it!"
Phoebe sent Joey an understanding look. "Guys, show a little compassion here! He must have liked her a lot to still be talking about her!"
Monica turned to Phoebe and explained, "Phoebe, the only reason he's still talking about her is because he can't have her and he thought she was attractive. He liked the idea of her, not her."
"That was really deep, Mon," Rachel complimented.
Monica smiled proudly. "Thanks!"
"Oh." Phoebe, sitting next to Joey on the couch in Central Perk, slapped him upside the head. "You've had me feeling sorry for you for all this time! I could have been using that sympathy for someone else!"
Rubbing the back of his head, Joey apologized, "Sorry, Pheebs. But I just can't get over it! I tried so hard to get with her alone, then I find out she's a lesbian! It's not fair! Why can't the stable boy have the princess?"
At the other's confused stares, Chandler realized they never heard the fairy tale analogy. He quickly interjected, "Joey used the romance of a stable boy and a princess to describe the way Ross was preventing him from, ah, coming onto Molly." The rest uttered understanding "oh"s.
"Honestly, I'm glad Molly's gay," Ross, sitting on the easy chair, put in. "I wasn't really counting on Chandler being able to run interference for more than a day, so…"
Chandler, opposite him at the table, made an insulted face. "Thanks for your confidence, man." As Ross continued to stare at him, his shoulders sagged. "Yeah, okay."
"Hey, Joey, I've got an idea," Rachel, on Joey's other side, began. "Why don't you, ah, write this fairy tale you came up with? It might help you get over Molly."
"Yeah," Phoebe agreed. "Writing's great for that. It's why I write songs most of the time. Why do you think I wrote 'Emotions in My Songs'? For kicks?"
"I've never heard that song," Monica commented.
Phoebe shrugged. "Well, no one has, I just made it up right now. But it will be a song once I get a paper and pencil!"
Joey had been deep in thought since Rachel's suggestion. Well, as deep in thought Joey can get. "Rach, that's not a bad idea. And I can write an ending where the stable boy gets the princess and her equally hot lesbian lover!"
"Oh, what, the amount of sex you get in real life isn't satisfactory, so you have to write in more?" Chandler quipped.
"No, but I know someone who has to," Joey retorted. When Chandler was silent, he felt the need to add, "That's you, by the way."
Chandler sighed. "I know, Joe. I'm just picturing the murder mystery I'm thinking up in my head this very moment."
Joey rocked back on his recliner, tapping the end of his pen on the spiral notebook in his lap. "I don't like it. It doesn't sound…fairy taleish."
Chandler stared at him from his seat on the couch. "Dude, 'Once upon a time' doesn't sound fairy taleish? By the way, taleish is not an actual word." Joey had asked Chandler for his help with writing the story. If he were writing it alone, it would be bad porn. He wanted the story to reach its full potential – mediocre porn.
"Yes it is!" Joey argued.
Chandler raised an eyebrow. "Then what does it mean, Mr. Smarty Pants?"
"It means…" Joey paused, then snapped his fingers. "It means to be like a tale!"
"Okay…" Chandler took the notepad and pen from Joey and wrote down his own suggestion. "You are so starting with 'once upon a time.'"
"Can't I be original?" Joey whined. "I mean, it's my story!"
"Fine. What would you like to start with?" Chandler asked, crossing out the words he wrote with an exaggerated "x."
"I don't know…" Joey thought for a second. "How about, 'The stable boy stood over the bale of hay. His body had a lot of sweat on it from moving it around with that big fork thing. He hoped that the princess would come in and –"
"Okay, if the next action has anything to do with his sweat, then no!" Chandler interrupted. He then he rewrote his beginning in the notebook. "Once upon a time…"
"All right, then can I at least get the title I want?" Joey begged.
Chandler gave him a hard stare. "Joey, you are not naming this, The Hot Stable Boy Finally Gets the Hot Princess and Her Lesbian Lover."
"Why not?" Joey pouted.
"First, it gives away the entire story!" Chandler shouted. "And second, no…just…no!"
"Well then, why don't you write this without me, you control-freak!" Joey paused, thinking about what he called Chandler. "Oh, no wonder you and Mon look like you're made for each other!"
"Hey, don't bring Mon into this!" Chandler warned. "Or I might have to start with the 'yo momma' jokes!"
Joey held up his fists, as if getting ready for a fight. "Don't you dare start insulting my mother!"
"Oh, is the little sissy momma's boy gonna try to hit me?" Chandler feigned terror.
"All right, that's it!" Joey went in for a punch. Chandler blocked it, but Joey jumped on him, pushing his face into the side of the seat cushion.
"Ow!" Chandler screamed. Freeing his arms, he managed to push Joey off of him and leapt to his feet. Joey spiraled backwards and almost landed on the recliner, but kept his balance.
The two stood for a moment, catching their breath. Chandler panted, "You wanna finish the story?"
Joey shrugged, "Yeah." Then the two went back to their seats and continued working.
"Does there have to be frolicking?"
On the couch in Monica's apartment, Joey turned toward the kitchen and answered Rachel with an indignant, "Uh, yeah! The frolicking is the best part of the story! Besides the sex, of course."
"Of course," Chandler muttered from his spot on the easy chair.
Rachel, in a chair at the kitchen table, crossed her arms. "I don't know. Frolicking and porn…in my mind they just don't mix."
Sitting next to her, Ross scoffed. "Frolicking? What inspired you to put that in anyway?"
"People in love are always frolicking through the fields!" Joey argued. "Besides, I thought it would be cool if, like, the Lesbian Lover and the Princess fell in a mud puddle and started making out in it…" He trailed off, a far away look on his face.
Next to him on the couch, Monica leaned close to his ear and yelled, "Come back, Joey!"
As if snapped out of a trance, Joey shook his head. "What'd you have to do that for? They were almost completely covered in mud!"
Chandler wrinkled his brow. "You're writing this just for the visuals, aren't you?"
"Uh, duh!" Joey replied.
"So do you actually have names for your characters?" Phoebe inquired. "You know, besides the Stable Boy, the Princess, and her Lesbian Lover?"
"No, I think I'm going to leave it that way," Joey answered. "It helps people identify with the characters."
Chandler had to say it. "Right, because everyone identifies with a stable boy, a princess, and a lesbian lover."
Joey nodded. "Exactly!"
Ross chuckled, coming over to sit on the couch with them. "Anyway, what have you gotten down so far?" Joey handed him the notebook, which had been on the coffee table.
Ross began to read it, preparing himself for the worst.
Once upon a timeONCE UPON A TIME there was a stable boy. Everyone just called him 'stable boy' 'cause that's what he was. He cleaned horse crap and fed the horses that made the crap.
Raising an eyebrow, Ross commented, "Nice opening."
Joey smiled. "Thanks!"
Then, one day, while he was cleaning up the horse crap, a really hot princess walked in. She said she wanted to go riding on her favorite horse. The Stable Boy immediately wanted to spend the night with her, so he went up to her and asked, "How you doin'?" Well, how could the princess refuse that?
"Well, Joe, at least you're not lacking in self-esteem," Ross muttered.
The princess dropped all her princessy responsibilities to spend the day with Joey the stable boy. That night, when her parents the king and queen thought she was asleep, she went to meet the stable boy at the stables. There, they, ah, rolled around in the hay…a lot.
Ross wrinkled his brow, surprised Joey had used a delicate choice of words.
After rolling around in the hay, they had a lot of sex.
There it is.
The next morning, the Stable Boy promised the princess that he would find a way for them to have a lot more sex. In the morning she went back to her princess duties, and he went back to cleaning out horse crap. He thought of the Princess all day, and finally he had to go find her. He did, but one of the palace guards had caught him trying to approach her and had sent him back to the stables. The King and Queen had warned him not to let the Princess go out, or let her meet the Stable Boy.
The stable boy would not let the sarcastic, annoyingly loyal guard keep him away from the princess.
Ross smirked at the obvious reference to Chandler.
He went to the part of the castle where the Princess' window was and called to her. She wanted him to come up and visit her, but she didn't have a ladder. So, she undid her really long braids and let the stable boy climb up hair.
Ross gave Joey a confused stare. "That's from Rapunzel, Joey."
Joey's eyes widened with recognition. "Oh! I thought it sounded familiar when I wrote it!"
After fooling around in her room, the two snuck out of the castle together and went frolicking in the royal field. There were lots of flowers, and they frolicked for a really long time, 'cause that's what happy people do. THERE HAS TO BE FROLICKING!
Chuckling, Ross commented, "Got a little excited there, huh?" He pointed to the many underlines and cross outs over the last words. Joey shrugged in acknowledgement.
They were really tired after all the frolicking, so the Princess said she wanted to go back to her royal bedroom and go to sleep. The Stable Boy offered to, well, join her, but for some reason the Princess said she didn't want him to. The Stable Boy was very sad. He tried to stay away from her and sleep in his room, but he couldn't stop thinking about her. So he gave up, went up to her room and saw
"What?" Ross asked, surprisingly intrigued.
Joey frowned. "That's the part where I put in the Lesbian Lover, but I just can't do it! The story's going so well for the Stable Boy!"
"Yeah, I noticed that," Phoebe commented. She had been reading the story over Ross' shoulder. "Uh, Joey? You never did actually sleep with Molly, or spend any time wither her."
"Who said this was about me?" Joey huffed. "It's the tale of the Stable Boy! And Molly…er, the Princess is in love with him!" When the others stared at him, he took the notebook from Ross and hugged it to his chest. "Will you all just let me have my story?"
Joey slapped the notebook down on the table at Central Perk. His friends had been in their own conversations on the couch around him, but glanced up at the noise. At their expectant looks, Joey grinned. "It's done! I did it!"
As the rest congratulated him, Chandler asked, "So how did you manage to put in the Lesbian Lover?"
Joey smiled sheepishly. "Well, I may have…changed a few things."
"Like…" Chandler pressed.
Joey sighed. "Well, I just couldn't make the Princess gay, but I wanted the stable boy to have a threesome, so…I made it so the Princess was having a sleep over with two of her…horny best friends."
The others grimaced. "Two of her best friends?" Monica repeated.
Joey shrugged, looking at the girls. "Might as well, right? I figure, if the Stable Boy is me, guard is Chandler, and the King and Queen are Ross and Rachel, it was only fair that you guys had parts too!"
The group shuddered in disgust, and the girls protested with cries similar to "gross!"
"What?" Joey exclaimed. "I thought you guys would be mad if you weren't in it!" Monica and Phoebe almost argued, but stopped to think about the validity of that statement.
"Which one of you ordered the latte?" Gunther approached the group, coffee cup in hand.
"Oh, that was me!" Rachel, sitting next to Joey, replied.
"Rachel? Oh, right, of course, how could I forget you?" Gunther gushed, leaning over the couch to hand the drink to her. However, he was staring at her and didn't see Joey's elbow draped over the couch's back. His arm hit it hard, and the cup fell out of his hand, it's contents spilled over the notebook…which Joey had opened to the end so the others could read.
The other five leapt out of their chairs, horrified, offering words of consolation and trying to dry the spreading latte.
Joey, however, hadn't even noticed. A particularly hot woman had walked into the coffee shop and was now at the counter ordering. Never taking his eyes off her, Joey had a grin on his face as he asked his friends, "How do you think she's doin'?"
A/N: Hehe, it took me so long to write this story for some reason. It's been days since I saw the episode this was based on. Anyway, if you guys want, I'll post the full story of The Hot Stable Boy Finally Gets the Hot Princess and Her Lesbian Lover.