All rights belong to Idea Factory etc etc

This fic is a present for the lovely Meanness-Scar, happy birthday!

The title is inspired from Francis Cabrel's song Je l'aime à mourir (I love her so much I could die). Also, there is way too much introspection. But that's what I like writing most.

Paper hens and roars of laughter

The summer sun was beaming all over them, but he did not feel sleepy. He had gathered sheets of paper and started folding them; quietly, to not disturb her sleep. He liked that, watching over her while enjoying a peaceful afternoon. His thoughts softly started to drift as cranes began to appear in his hands. He used to make some while playing with kids, a long long time ago…

.

It all started as a game. Will you play with me Chizuru-chan? He was bored, and she was so fun to tease, always so earnest and easily embarrassed. Truly, the ideal victim for him. Maybe it was not such a bad idea to have her around after all. Besides, if she were to be troublesome, killing her would not be very difficult. So why not make their time together a little more enjoyable for him? She was the cute little mouse and he was the cruel cat constantly chasing after her. Nothing more than a game…

He only realised too late. How much he enjoyed it, that seemingly innocent game. He loved seeing her blush at his words and avoid his gaze to hide her embarrassment. He loved trying to guess how she would react to his teasing: would she find a come-back? would she ignore him? would she scold him? would she laugh? would she surprise him, or would she act exactly like he expected her to? He loved listening to her every word and watching her every move to come up with the most appropriate tease. Before he knew it, the game had changed. He was not just teasing her to make her presence among them a little less boring anymore. It was more than that; a strange mix between fondness and irritation.

Yes, she irritated him, for quite a good number of reasons. Because no matter how much he tried, there were still parts of her he could not understand. Most of the time, he had no idea what she might be thinking. It annoyed him even more that, on the other hand, she sometimes seemed to understand him more than anyone ever did. She was stubborn, that was annoying too. No matter how scared she was of him, no matter how much he threatened her, she never backed down. She kept chasing after him, kept accompanying him on patrols, kept caring about him, much more than she should have. It was irritating. How much she cared. He did not deserve her kindness, did not deserve to have her worry for him, did not deserve anything but her indifference. Her hatred even, for how odious and cruel he could be. And yet, she offered him none of what he deserved and gave him everything he thought he could never have. Why was it like that? It was annoying. But more than that, it was scary. So, so scary. Because sure enough, she would end up getting hurt. He was not any good for her; he had to push her away. He had to. But no matter how hard he tried, she was always there, with her soft kind and determined gaze, as if she did not care about her own safety. A wolf cannot scare away a demon…

.

What could he do? He had lost control. Over everything. His entire world was falling apart. Crashing down on him. It was all so wrong. He hated this world. Had cursed it, a long time ago. Kept cursing it, always. The world hated him, so he hated it in turn. And he fought his way into existence. He fought so he would not disappear. So the world would not swallow him whole. He fought, and fought, and fought. What else could he do? Fighting was the only thing he was good at.

But the world was winning their fight. It was unfair. What could he do? Would he have to fight against his own body too? The world – his world – was ending, the Shinsengumi was being destroyed and he? He was dying in bed! What a good prank the universe had pulled on him! He was beaten. And as death slowly made its way inside his body, everyone around him started abandoning him. Seemed like he was right after all: only his sword was useful to the Shinsengumi. He was nothing. Nothing more than a broken blade to be left behind…
He had lost control. He had lost everything.
And yet. She was still here. With him. Supporting him. Healing him.
Had she always been that strong?

.

More and more cranes were taking forms, of every colour. He liked keeping his hands busy while daydreaming. Her soft breath besides him was like a lullaby soothing his thought. Soothing his soul. Even now, it still amazed him how much he enjoyed peace in her company.
One fold. Two folds. Origami were simple. And yet, there was something magical about them. Two folds were enough to give life to any form.
So simple.
And yet, so complex.

.

He gave up and abandoned himself to her entirely. Let her gently guide him back into the world. A world he had cursed. And yet, if she was with him in this world, it did not seem that hateful anymore. There were colours now, others than that of blood. It was amazing, he thought, how she could light up everything around her with just a smile. A blush. And when she laughed! that was what he loved the most because suddenly, his chest did not feel so heavy anymore. Just one laugh from her was enough for him to breathe again. Maybe he could do something other than killing people after all… Maybe he could still be happy, even for a short while. If she was with him, then he had nothing to fear. Because he only had to look at her to see all the beauty of the world.

Slowly, softly, they started healing each other. Of course, things were still wrong. So, so wrong. There was nothing they could do against burning banners and time leaving them behind. But they did what they could. They tried fighting against the poison running in the Shinsengumi's veins. Running in his veins. Running in her veins… They lost more often than they won. But they did not lose themselves. Even when drunk on blood and desire, even after stumbling and screaming in the dark, they found their way back to each other. How tempting it was for both of them to hate this world and forsake it. Just let it burn! But she was not like that. She was not like him, hatred did not suit her. She showed him there was beauty to be found in the world, even when it hurt so much he could die. He reminded her of everything she brought to him, of the light she offered him. He brightened up her world in turn, so she would not give in to loneliness and despair. In the end, he just wanted to stay with her forever. To hear her laugh everyday and see her smile whenever she looked at him. To see her blush at his teases, even after years of knowing him. To eat her meals and let her take care of him – her touch was so soft, he never thought he could love it so much.

.

Senbazuru.
Thousand origami cranes.
It was said that one who folded a thousand origami cranes would be granted a wish.
But what could he wish for?
As long as she stayed besides him, he was happy.

.

They both had lost so much. They both had suffer more than anyone could imagine. He had hurt her, more than he wanted to. Yet she forgave him (how could she be so strong?) and accepted him into her life. He had been surprised to realise how much he had come to care for her. How much it pained him to see her suffer. Bloodlust was nothing compared to seeing her cry. Surely, she would cry when the illness eating at his lungs would finally get him. He hated that thought so he did his best making all the days they had left together happy ones. He was careful to enjoy every moment with her. It was unfair, how little time they had but it was not sad. They lived their days fully, so regret would never come between them. Forever would be too boring anyway, he liked this better.

Maybe, he thought, they could meet again in another lifetime, in some other place. He hoped he would fall in love with her again, then. Another chance at happiness... Yes, that would be really nice.

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- Chizuru means "a thousand cranes", cranes being mystical creatures in Japanese folklore said to live a thousand years. (thank you for the correction anon, I got things mixed up oops)
- Senbazuru (or Thousand Cranes Origami) is a group of one thousand origami paper cranes held together by strings. There is a legend that if you fold a thousand origami cranes, the gods will grant you a wish, such as recovery from illness, long life etc.

Thanks for reading and do not hesitate to leave a review! :)