EXT STREET
Angel and Spike are standing in the middle of an empty road. They are side by side and both are wearing long black coats, which conceal vast amounts of weaponry. Angel has the usual stakes attached to each of his wrists and is holding a broadsword. Spike is brandishing a heavy axe with a curved handle and has a crossbow strapped to his back. A ferocious looking dragon is flying overhead and is about to attack them.
Angel
Do you want to go first or should I
Spike
Hey, if you let me chop off its balls then by all means go first
Angel:
Er, what s that supposed to mean
Spike:
Can t you remember the damn pep talk Wesley gave us this morning if you can get rid of the damn thing s virility then you can t get no more baby dragons to come and eat us for lunch, dinner and tea
Angel:
What about brunch? I love Brunch
Spike:
Dust, what s with you Americans and the Brunch anyway
Angel:
May I remind you that I am Irish
Spike
üÿ Yeh, right, but Brunch
Angel:
We just love the word
Spike
Why did you bring me along on this stupid expedition anyway, I should be er, yeh, be busy haunting my turf
Angel
By that you mean my turf, I brought you along, because
Spike sighs as the dragon flies closer towards him
Angel:
Spike, dragon
Spike
What
Angel
Duck
The dragon slams into Spike and knocks him over, his axe falls to the ground
Spike
Eh
Angel jumps into the air and thrusts his sword into the dragon s neck as it hovers over Spike. As the dragon dies and its body falls to earth, Spike looks up at Angel in amazement
Spike:
Er, what did you say
Angel gives Spike a cheesy smile
Angel
Quack
Spike:
Very funny Angel
Another dragon is visible in t can only get a dragon for a date
Spike:
Let me deal with this one you stupid leprechaun
Angel
Go ahead see if I care. I don t care
Spike
Come closer so I can extinguish your flame dragon
The dragon agrees to Spike s request and sends a bolt of fire Spike s way, Spike rolls out of the way, whist Angel puts up his guard from the dragon s horns
Spike
Take this dragon
Spike fires at the dragon and misses; he picks up the fallen crossbow bolt and plunges it into the dragon s underside.
Spike:
And that n all
The dragon falls dead on the ground next to Angel
Angel
Yay lil Willy got one
Spike:
Hmm, tell that to your son
Angel:
Don t talk to me about Connor
Spike
Oh yeh, Connor, Oh I know Connor, that little brat who you don t see anymore, right
Angel:
How do you know about him? He loves me, I guess and I love
Spike:
The dragon
Angel:
What
Spike
The dragon
Angel looks stunned. Lorne is visible in the distance; Spike turns to look at him
Spike:
Have you ever seen the film Shrek Angel
Angel:
No
Spike
Oh, I forgot, you re total Give Us a Clue when it comes to TV
Angel:
I m too busy to watch it cos there s that little matter of managing my evil law firm, okay
Spike
Not too much trouble to watch at 2am
Angel:
Alright, what s with the Shrek thing
Lorne walks up to Angel and Spike
Lorne:
Hi guys
Spike:
Let me deal with this one you stupid leprechaun
Angel
Go ahead see if I care. I don t care
Spike
Come closer so I can extinguish your flame dragon
The dragon agrees to Spike s request and sends a bolt of fire Spike s way, Spike rolls out of the way, whist Angel puts up his guard from the dragon s horns
Spike
Take this dragon
Spike fires at the dragon and misses; he picks up the fallen crossbow bolt and plunges it into the dragon s underside.
Spike:
And that n all
The dragon falls dead on the ground next to Angel
Angel
Yay lil Willy got one
Spike:
Hmm, tell that to your son
Angel:
Don t talk to me about Connor
Spike
Oh yeh, Connor, Oh I know Connor, that little brat who you don t see anymore, right
Angel:
How do you know about him? He loves me, I guess and I love
Spike:
The dragon
Angel:
What
Spike
The dragon
Angel looks stunned. Lorne is visible in the distance; Spike turns to look at him
Spike:
Have you ever seen the film Shrek Angel
Angel:
No
Spike
Oh, I forgot, you re total Give Us a Clue when it comes to TV
Angel:
I m too busy to watch it cos there s that little matter of managing my evil law firm, okay
Spike
Not too much trouble to watch at 2am
Angel:
Alright, what s with the Shrek thing
Lorne walks up to Angel and Spike
Lorne:
Hi guys
Spike:
Loren here is a big green, mean fighting machine and you are an annoying Ponce of a Donkey who
Lorne:
Too much Sangria in your blood Angel
Angel:
It s not what it looks like
üÿ Spike
Oh, don t they all say that
Lorne:
Quit it with the games kiddies, cos I got something I got to tell you all. And you got a serious attitude problem Spikey, I may be green, but I ve got horns up here in my noggin and not a pair of suckers in sight. And don t you know that I hate to get mud on my tux
Angel:
We hear ya, and by the way, can one of you guys help me get this thing off my legs
Lorne
Sorry no can do Angelo, I thought I would open the club for one last time this evening as a kind of goodbye, cheerio celebration, you know what I mean Sparky. I ve got a performance of a life time down at there tonight, a thorax demon and a vampira doing a Sonny and Cher number, should be a lot of fun so bye byes
Spike:
And I er, gotta run, er, I mean, something s sucking me back towards your stupid law firm. I hate it when this happens
Angel
Make sure you turn yourself invisible, cos you look a little stupid like that
Spike:
I don t choose to turn myself invisible
Lorne:
Oh mystical forces guide this infidel away from mine sight
Spike
Oh mystical forces show this scumbag the way back to the Land of Oz
An unseen force drags Spike back towards Wolfram and Hart, whilst Lorne walks away in the opposite direction
Angel:
Guys& .A little help here guys
One of the wooden stakes falls from Angel s sleeve onto the ground
INT WOLFRAM AND HART SCIENCE LAB
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Eureka, I ve discovered something
Winifred:
You re the only scientist I know who says eureka
üÿ Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2
And haven t we all heard that before
Winifred:
Hmm, what have you found Scott
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
We ve found a way to make the vampire corporeal again
Winifred:
Have you tested it
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Sorry, but no
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:
We attempted to test the formula on the Phantom Dennis, but he erm
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Kind of chased us out of the house
Winifred:
He doesn t like people invading his home, it s his now, I mean while Cordy s in the way that she is
Winifred has a look of sadness about her
Winifred:
Anyway, back to business, so Scott, what is the solution that you ve come up with
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Well I scraped off a microscopic sample of the Vampire s pendant that you said not to talk about, but I just have done and mixed it with the potion that I got from the
üÿ Winifred:
What potion
Wesley walks into the lab
Wesley:
I can explain that, Fred can I talk to you in private for a moment
Winifred:
Alright people, let s keep up the work, I ll be back in a minute
Winfred and Wesley walk into Angel s office, which is empty
INT ANGEL S OFFICE
Winifred:
So what s all this about the potion
Wesley:
When I was patrolling in the sewers last night I came face to face with a Charmonic Demon
Wesley takes a book from under his arm and shows Winifred the picture of the Charmonic Demon
Wesley
After I was about to decapitate it, it said that it had some information that was of use
üÿ to me and it told me that if I spared its life, which I did, then it would give me a bottle of Reuniting potion. It said that if the potion is set alight and a vampire is exposed to its rays then it would heal the worst malady that it has. Other than being dead anyway
Winfred:
So if we expose Spike to its rays then Spike will become corporeal again
Wesley:
That s right
Winfred:
Oh Wesley I m so happy
Winfred hugs Wesley, Wesley looks bemused
Winfred:
But what about my scientific research
Wesley:
Well of course a method has to be perfected for it to work, which is where you come in Fred
Winfred
I ll get on it right away
EXT STREET
Angel is lying on the ground with the body of the dragon still upon his leg. He tries several times to lift it off him, but he doesn t succeed on any of the attempts. He has a
üÿ look of exhaustion about him, which shows that he has little strength left to try any more
Angel:
Damn this thing is so heavy. Loren& .Spike, anyone there, even you Wesley
Gunn approaches Angel; his clothing is significantly different from the usual tailored suit, he is wearing a hooded top, bandana and is carrying a flail
Gunn:
What s up bro
Angel
Hey, Gunn, why are you dressed like that
Gunn
Hey, we all gotta go casual sometime, even lawyers like me
Angel:
Any chance you could get this thing off my leg
Gunn:
I never abandon any of my brudas in a fight, but looks like the fight is over
Angel:
As your boss, I am telling you to get this lizard off me
Gunn:
Hey no sweat, the constitution says that no one must
Angel
Quit it with the crap Gunn and
Gunn:
Sorry man but the chip keeps butting in you know
Gunn lifts the dragon s leg off Angel
Gunn:
There you go, do you need a help getting up
Angel
No, I m fine
Angel gets up with difficulty but shrugs off any sign of weakness as soon as he is off the ground
Angel:
So er, where the hell have you been these past two weeks
Gunn
I ve been working on that case, you know, the one with the crazed vampire and his whore
Angel:
Oh yeh, and are they paying customers
Gunn:
My god, you are sounding more like Cordy every day
Angel looks agitated at Gunn s mention of Cordelia
Angel:
I said are they paying customers
Gunn
Sure, they are and I m right on it. We get plenty of money coming in now we ve got lots of clients, they don t all need to pay, unofficially anyway
Angel
But why has it been taking so long
Gunn
Well we ve had lots of other cases to solve, I mean little money involved, but we ve had the whole Spike issue and me and Wes have been up to our necks in demon slime hunting for those relics that warlock needs to open the portal to the Gothiric dimension, to get the tonic for Cordelia and
Angel:
But no money
Gunn:
Well, you were the one that said we had to prioritise
Angel:
Gunn, I m sorry, I m just worried about Cordy
Gunn:
Look, she s been well taken care of in the medical facility.
Angel:
I know but she might wake up and I won t be there when she does
Gunn:
You will be
Gunn is trying his best to cheer Angel up so he adopts a less serious tone of voice
Gunn:
Her hair looks really nice. She can go into any shop in LA and they would know she s
a movie star
Angel:
Yeh, she always looks like that. Gunn
Gunn:
Yeh
Angel:
Let s get back to the office, we have a lot of work to do
INT LORNE S CLUB
Lorne is sat on a bar stool and is singing a rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. He finishes the song with a lengthy note then introduces the last performance of the night
Lorne:
And the moment we ve all been waiting for folks, its Sonny and Cher
A Thorax demon and a female vampire come onto the stage and are singing Sonny and Cher s I Got You Babe Lorne sits at the bar and sips his Sea Breeze slowly. Spike sits next to him
Spike
Mind if I join you
Lorne:
Sure, my fanged friend, but it s not like you to not skip the pleasantries
üÿ Spike:
Well I got a lot of things on my mind is all. Drink
Lorne
What s a demon without his drink?
Spike:
Ghost
Lorne
Want to try a Sea Breeze? You can taste the grapefruit on your tongue or tongues like my friend the thorax demon here.
Spike:
If I ever drink that poofy drink, I will iron your silks for all eternity. Give me a whisky
Lorne:
Here you are amigo
Lorne slides a glass of whisky to Spike across the table. The thorax demon goes way off key
Lorne:
Boy those two are giving me a headache
Spike
üÿ
Give me a whole bottle
Lorne takes a bottle of whisky from the bar and hands it to Spike. Spike snatches it and slams it onto the table
Spike:
And a shot glass
Lorne:
We are a little off our rocker today aren t we
Lorne gives a shot glass to Spike. Throughout the conversation, Spike constantly fills his glass with whisky from the bottle and gulps it down
Spike:
Cheers mate
Lorne:
We ll what s with the ghosty blues
Spike:
I was thinking about Buffy and what she said to me before I died& .again
Lorne:
Was it I hate you bloodsucking monster
Spike:
I love you
Lorne:
You love me, well that s nice. You ghosts get drunk pretty easily don t you
üÿ Spike:
No that s what she said to me
Lorne:
Oh, let me sing a song to cheer you up. I m glad those two have finished, I was getting vibes of cold turkey from them. So what do you want? Help , Moody blues a bit of Singing in the rain
Spike:
Don t go all Casper on me
Lorne:
Okay, so let s hear your story
Spike:
Oh Buffy, Dru, and that thing with Anya.
Lorne:
And Harmony
Spike
Just a make do
Lorne:
What s the prob sunshine
Spike:
Don t go near no sunshine okay or I will bite your damn head off
Lorne
Erm no thanks, last time my head got detached I was like John the Baptist with my body in a beetle pile. Go on
üÿ Spike:
Any woman I ve ever had has ditched me cos I m not good enough. I still have thoughts about what Dru did with that damn chaos demon. A chaos demon
Spike throws his glass into a wall
Lorne:
Hey, easy there Spikey
Spike
And I get this bloomin soul and Buffy still won t love me. And I can t even have a bit of heave-ho on the side cos I ain t got a bit of body in me. I ve got a soul, but no damn body
Spike leaps to his feet and in a fit of rage throws a bar stool into the glass bottles behind the bar, which breaks them all, sending shattered glass everywhere
Lorne:
Oh my club! This is the third time this month that I m going to have remodel the bar. So much for anti-violence charms
Spike:
You re closing it tonight
Lorne
But I need to have it perfect tonight, better get my contact list out
Spike
I m going to be sick
Lorne
What is with you and the gang always wrecking my bar? It s because I make Angel sing isn t it? Now get out Spike, before I throw you out
Lorne puts on his most frightening face, which isn t very convincing
Wesley enters the club as Spike pushes past him
Wesley:
Ghosts can t throw up according to my studies, what is wrong with him anyway, thought he could hold his liquor
Spike:
You can t even hold half a pint mate
Spike holds his stomach
Spike
I think I will be going, whilst I am throwing& .up
Spike rushes out of the door and throws up in the street, whilst Wesley looks surprised
Wesley
That was bloody awful poetry
INT WOLFRAM AND HART SCIENCE LAB
The entire science team of Wolfram and Hart are frantically rushing around reading textbooks, performing calculations and experiments in an attempt to find a way to make Spike corporeal. Winifred is reading a book, which is about potion making
Winifred:
Right, this book says that if we add something belonging to the subject to the potion then it will become activated.
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Well, the pendant belongs to the subject, so why don t we just add that
Winifred:
We have to think more logically about this Scott and avoid taking risks
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
Well, I kind of just did that
Winifred:
You idiot, what did you do that for without consulting me, you ve ruined it
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:
We did consult with you
üÿ Winifred:
I said not to add it until I was sure it would work
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:
The book says that it will do, doesn t it
Winifred:
What the Hell? We ll just have to go with it, though I m not liking this very much
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:
According to our calculations, everything should run smoothly at this point
Winifred
Okay, now the tests showed that by exposing the solution to heat, the potion would glow
Wesley enters the lab
Wesley:
Okay, I ve been to check on the others and they will all be here shortly. How is the work going
Winifred:
We have activated the potion, but now we need to make it glow
Wesley:
Do you have a Bunsen burner in here
Winifred:
This is a multi million-dollar lab, of course, we have a Bunsen burner, and in fact, we have five hundred
Wolfram and Hart scientist 2 produces a Bunsen burner from a cabinet and sets up the equipment. He places the potion bottle between a pair of tongs and gently heats it. The potion begins to glow.
Winifred:
It worked, Wesley you are a genius, well actually, I am the genius but you re pretty smart
Wesley:
This is just like Watcher s Academy science
Winifred:
We ve got to tell Angel the good news
INT SPIKE S ROOM
Lorne is holding a cigar end, which he drops, onto the floor. He looks at the remains of Spike s bed, which has a large hole in the middle of it caused by a cigar burn. Spike enters the room
Spike
What the fuck did you do to my bed
Lorne:
I kind of set it on fire with my cigar
Spike
You sat on my bed
Lorne:
You owed me for that whisky sonny Jim, so I had the right
Spike
You burned my bed; you are so gonna pay for that
Lorne:
Just sleep in your grave, R IP
Gunn enters the room
Gunn;
Hey Spike, Lorne what happened here
Spike:
This son of a demon bitch burned my bed
Gunn:
The blaming will have to wait; Angel wants you in his office
INT ANGELS OFFICE
Wesley, Winifred, Gunn, Lorne and Spike are standing in the office apart from Angel who is seated behind his desk and is looking very authoritarian
Spike:
Morning Angel, see you got rid of the big bird before sunrise
Angel:
Shut the hell up Spike
Winifred:
I ve got some good news, and some bad news, which do you want first
Spike turns to look at Lorne
Spike
I can tell you the bad news, Fisher Price horns here, burned my bed
Gunn:
That s the eighth time you ve said that
Spike:
Hey, I may be dead, but I still need my shuteye alright? I can still touch stuff
Angel:
Loren, buy him a new bed. Fred what s the good news
Winfred
I have found a way to make Spike corporeal again
Wesley coughs
Winfred
I mean we
Spike:
Finally, I ll be able to feel something and have it feel me
Angel:
Oh goody, Spinnochio gets to be a real immortal boy again. What s the bad news
Wesley:
We haven t done this before, so we don t know if it ll work
Spike:
Oh great, there s always a catch
Winifred:
But we can do it right away
Spike
Oh goody
Angel:
Hey, I say that
Gunn:
Look lets just get on with this
Winifred:
Right, Spike, what I need you to do is to look at this light
Winfred takes the glowing potion out of her bag and holds it up in the air. Spike doesn t look at the light as he is staring at Angel who is staring back at him
Angel:
As if a light can make him corporeal
Winfred:
Just walk closer to me and turn this way
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2 walks into the room
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:
Spike don t walk towards the light or it will kill you
Spike:
I m already dead you jackass
Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2
I mean I read the book again Winfred and you have to throw it on him, cos if you point it at him it s direct sunlight. Throw the potion on him.
The scientist shows Winfred a diagram in his book that explains the process she must do to make Spike corporeal
Winifred.
Now why didn t I think of that? Here goes
Angel:
Wait, we don t know if it will work, it doesn t look like the right po
Winifred throws the potion at Spike. Angel trys to move Spike out of the way, but before he can complete his sentence and avoid the potion, he and Spike are covered in the potion
Winifred:
Oh oh
Gunn:
Fred, you got Angel
Winifred
Angel tried to save Spike
Angel and Spike start to glow. The glow becomes increasingly brighter over 10 seconds
Lorne:
This is beginning to be a lot like Vegas
The potion weakens Angel and Spike and they become trapped in a vortex. Several large cuts appear upon their bodies and they are both covered in blood. Spike screams with pain, but seems to be enjoying it. Angel is in agony
Spike
I m corporeal! This vortex is bloody hurting me! I can feel pain
Angel
I m corporeal! This vortex is hurting me! I can feel pain! Get me out of this thing
More cuts appear upon their bodies and their shirts are torn to shreds by the vortex. A large ball of energy forms above them and falls upon their heads, knocking them both down. The vortex, ball and glow disappear to leave Angel and Spike upon on the floor unconscious
INT ANGEL S ROOM
Spike and Angel are laying side by side in Angel s King sized bed. There is a big gap between them. Angel is in his vest and trousers but Spike is wearing only his black jeans. They are both covered in bandages, Angel s wounds are significantly better dressed than Spike s. Winfred and Gunn, who is now dressed his usual clothing, are seated at Angel s table.
Winfred
I never knew Spike was so muscular
Gunn
I never knew Angel had any muscle
Winifred laughs
Winifred:
Oh you, there they are together, couldn t put them any closer or they would be fighting in their comatose condition
Gunn:
Well Spike s not having my bed
Winifred:
Tension between him Loren and Wesley s not good, and my room s not exactly vampire friendly
Gunn:
And his is toast so I guess this is the only place
Winifred:
At least I bandaged them up pretty well
Gunn:
So you did my sweet
Gunn gives Winifred a kiss on the cheek
Winifred:
I took extra care with Angel. After all, he did save me from Pylea.
Gunn looks agitated
Winifred
And so did you
Angel wakes up
Gunn
Hey, Angel s waking up
Angel opens his eyes and holds his head
Angel:
What the hell am I doing here
Angel sees Spike next to him
Angel:
And why is the guy off the hair dye advert next to me
Winfred:
We d rather not explain right now Angel, you need to rest and get better
Spike wakes up
Spike
Damn, what a crap night I ve had
Gunn:
Yo, Spike man, you re back, how are you feeling
Spike:
Like Iv e been sleeping in a bed with some guy I don t know, you
Spike sees Angel next to him
Angel
Er, hi
Spike:
Can I have a glass of blood please; this guy is ticking me off
Angel:
Who are you
Spike:
The black guy said I m Spike, and you ve got a girly name
Angel:
It s Angel& I think
Spike
Don t I hate you
Angel
Well why are we sleeping together then
Spike:
Guess you re my bitch then
Gunn:
Are my ears deceiving me or is there something not right here
Winifred:
Okay er, you two just get well now and we ll be back later.
INT LOBBY
Lorne is standing in the lobby and is moping around absent-mindedly. Winifred descends the stairs and walks towards him
Lorne:
What s the problem now? I already got a club to fix and my head s playing bangers and mash
Winifred:
I need your help Loren
Lorne:
If it s about Spike, I m not interested. He turned my chances of selling my club from a quick sale into a boot sale
Winifred:
Yeh, it is about Spike, but also about Angel kind of
Lorne:
Have those two sleepyheads woken up yet
Winfred
Yeh they have but they are acting rather strangely. I want you to read them
Lorne
Erm, there s nothing ticking in me
Winifred:
I think Spike is going a bit loony
Lorne
I thought that he already was a bit loony toons
Winifred:
They both appear to have memory loss, it s rather hilarious really
Lorne:
Well if there s a chance of hilarity, which I really need these days, then I suppose I could help you, and embarrassing Spike by having him sing would really be amusing,. Let s get them down to the club. Erm, but Spikey Can t leave this place though can he, won t he just get dragged back here
Winifred:
Well if we re quick then everything should go as planned, I hope he s not like Angel though. Better bring my earmuffs
INT LORNE S CLUB
Spike, Angel, Winifred, Lorne and Gunn are seated around table 18, which faces the stage
Winifred:
Wesley couldn t make it; he s busy finding the relics for the warlock, but I brought my earmuffs
Gunn:
Right so what in the world are we gonna do with these two
Spike
Question, what in the world are we doing in a lame, run down place like this
Lorne:
Hey, Mr Radioactive, that is my club you are talking about
Spike:
Oh shut your mouth, you idiotic piece of snot
Lorne:
I m getting readings of bad humour here
Gunn
Loren man, just do the damn reading will you
Lorne:
Right Dracula and Nosferatu, get onto the stage
Angel:
I d rather not
Winifred:
I d rather you not
Lorne
I ve got some Elvis
Angel
Oh, that s different
Winifred:
Let s get this over and done with.
Lorne
Right, let s go
Angel sings a verse of Suspicious minds by Elvis Presley. He goes off key several times
Winifred:
What are you getting Loren
Lorne:
Not much, just that he s in great danger
Gunn:
That s serious, what kind of danger
Winifred:
Not getting past the first round of American Idol
Lorne
No, he s going to lose his soul through true happiness
Gunn
Again, why now
Lorne:
I don t know. Right, Angel I ve had enough of you for one day
Angel:
Wasn t I great
Spike:
My Satanic bud, you rock
Angel slicks his hair back
Angel:
Well I am the king of rock and roll
Winifred
Er, yeh that was really royal, guess it was better than the Barry Manilow anyway
Spike
Ooh, is it my turn
Lorne:
Unfortunately, yes
Spike walks on to the stage and sings God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols
Spike
I m the Sid Viscious of the vampires
Lorne:
He s good; can someone get this guy a guitar
Spike pretends to play guitar as he sings
Winifred:
Isn t it Johnny Rotten who sings
Spike:
Oh, does it matter? Now all I have to do is make the Queen a vamp like me, then she can live forever punks
Angel:
Go hun, you look really great up there
Spike:
Oh my, I m so flattered. Angel, Come and be my Queen up here
Angel
Gladly
Angel climbs onto the stage
Spike:
Oh Dru never gave me no love, Harmony wasn t worth loving, I now can t remember their names. I am so cured
Lorne:
Oh dear, the vibes are not good
Winifred
What is it
Lorne:
Nothing
Gunn:
What
Angel kisses Spike on the cheek
Spike
Can we have a couple of Sea Breezes over here, bartender
Lorne
Fred, Spikey here, is so going to be ironing my silk shirts for all of eternity
INT SPIKES ROOM
Lorne and Angel are carrying a heavy bed into Spike s room
Spike
Put it over here. Great King size, Lorne
Lorne:
It s Loren
Spike:
Okay Lauren, dump it by the table
Angel and Lorne put the bed by the table
Spike:
Now leave me and my mate here alone, while we change into something a little more comfortable
Spike kisses Angel. Lorne looks disgusted
Angel:
And while you re waiting, go and try out your cosmetics. You need a bit more green blush to cover up your wrinkles
Lorne looks surprised. Spike gives him a big smirk
Spike:
He s learning fast. You re becoming more like me everyday aren t you my Poofty Woofty
Lorne:
I m getting out of here fast
Lorne leaves the room quickly
Angel:
Loren makes a good sea breeze, but I like baby cham better
Spike:
After that lousy drink I fancy a bit of rough and tumble, don t you my sweet
Angel:
Do you want me to get all Liam on you
Spike:
No I like you just the way you are Angel Dust
INT LOBBY
Wesley enters through the front door. He is holding a golden relic
Wesley:
Right I got the relic, what did the singsong uncover
Gunn
You should have seen it Wes
Winifred:
Angel kissed Spike on the cheek, it was cute
Gunn:
Help me lord. Another one of us going crazy now
Winifred:
At least it s better than them fighting anyway
Gunn
Er, Angel s soul go, he go evil, the whole Angelus issue all over again
Winifred:
It stops them moaning about their love problems, I m so sick of hearing Angel talk about Cordy and Buffy
Wesley:
Gunn, get the cage ready. Looks like we are going to need it
Lorne comes running into the club
Lorne:
Oh the horror. I m so sorry I didn t tell you guys this before
Wesley shakes Lorne violently
Wesley
What is it man
Gunn:
Correction, demon
Lorne:
They re thinking of going down the sunset strip
Gunn
Always wanted to go there
Lorne:
Together with no women in sight. Angel s happiness? Sex with Spike
Wesley:
We have to do something about this
Winifred:
I ve been saying that all along, erm it was kind of obvious with all the kissing and female impersonations
Gunn:
You said they looked cute
Winifred:
But Angelus isn t
Lorne:
Spike certainly wasn t cute the other night. All he talked about was his lack of love interest
Gunn
He has plenty now
Lorne:
He said that because he s not corporeal, he couldn t have any of the old boom boom. Right I ve got to get back to my club, cheerio
Lorne leaves
Wesley
Just a moment, I think I ve worked out why the potion didn t work. Fred, you did say that Angel is upset about Cordy right, but does he still care about Buffy
Winfred:
Yeh, he said that Buffy was his true love. Why can t I be his true love
Gunn:
I thought I was your true love
Wesley is mumbling to himself
Winifred
Yeh, you are. I was just fooling around
Wesley
Oh Fred, how do you feel about going blonde
Winifred
Well I have thought about it, but
Gunn:
Yeh, you d look really nice
Wesley:
She could wear a wig
Gunn
Oh Wesley, are you thinking what I am thinking
Wesley:
You are most certainly thinking what I am thinking
Gunn:
Fred
Wesley
How do you feel about being Buffy
Winifred:
I get to kiss Angel don t I
Wesley and Gunn sigh
Winifred
I m sorry Charles, but I have to do what I must do for the good of the world
Wesley:
Gunn, by being Buffy, she can release Angel and Spike s urges for love
Winifred:
Thereby releasing them from their state of pre
Wesley
Fred, what did I say yesterday
Winifred
Sorry, no technical terms in front of Gunn
Wesley:
You re a bit thick, Gunn so
Gunn:
I m the high flying Lawyer here
Wesley:
And you have a chip in your potato chip of a head
Gunn
Ha, ha that is so funny
Winifred:
I m off to slay some vamps. And make love to the ones with souls
Wesley:
No slaying
Winifred:
I m just getting into character
INT SPIKES ROOM
Angel and Spike are sitting next to each other on Spike s new bed
Spike:
Did you know that I used to be in love with a girl
Angel laughs
Angel:
So did I as a matter of fact
Spike:
Who was that then? Never thought you were the type to go round chicks, you were always the prim and proper one, with the frills. The real sorts like working class chaps like me
Angel:
Darla was special
Spike:
Darla
Angel
Come on you remember Darla
Spike:
There is only one I remember of the dozens of exes I must have had in my time.
Angel
But then I dusted her, she came back, and then she dusted herself
Angel starts crying
Angel:
And my boy hates me, then you came and made it all better
Spike:
Oh, come here baby
üÿ
Spike and Angel embrace and they both wail loudly
Angel and Spike: Buffy
Angel:
She s gone, but you are here
Spike:
Oh Andrew was great, but you re the best
Angel:
You split up with him cos you didn t like him filming you with his video camera, right
Spike
He was a big girl s blouse, but you re extra large. Do you want me to be bad
Angel
Ooh, I love it when you re bad, and not a silly Willy.
Spike:
Bite me
Spike leans over towards Angel
Angel:
Ooh, I like what you have done with your hair
Spike:
It s Nice and Easy, imported from Britain, You have such feminine beauty, glad you ditched the Brylcream
Angel:
Yes, I use regular gel now. It smells of spearmint
Spike:
Okay Mr Minty Fresh, give us a hug
Angel:
Who s that
Winifred enters dressed as Buffy
Winifred:
Angel, Spike,
Spike:
Buffy s back
Angel:
Who is that
Winifred straightens her wig and is unsure of what Buffy would say
Winifred:
Er, A Gorilla demon s escaped from the zoo and is wrecking havoc in the cemetery. Let s slay
Spike:
Hmm, oh Buffy why did you leave me to die in that cave, you told me you loved me
Angel has tears in his eyes
Angel
Buffy
Winifred:
Yeh, yeh I er love you Spike, come here, let s get this over with
Angel
Buffy you came back.
Spike:
Come here love, lets have some fun, to make up for the time we lost whist I was stuck in that bloody gem
Angel
Spike, why did you pick me over that
Winifred:
Well you are kind of irresistible Angel
Winifred kisses Spike quickly
Spike:
Wow, she was bad
Spike slumps to the floor
Winifred
Oh Angel, I missed you so much
Angel
Buffy, I m sorry I left you. I m sorry I can t be human for you
Winifred:
I don t mind that you re a vampire; at least you ll remain sexy forever
Winifred kisses Angel
Angel:
Buffy I
Angel falls onto his knees and falls into a deep sleep
Winifred takes off her wig
Winifred:
I m glad that s over, that wig was really itchy
INT ANGELS ROOM
Angel is asleep ontop of his bed. Winifred is sat on a chair by the bed
Angel:
Buffy, Buffy, you re back. I m sorry
Wesley enters the room
Wesley
How s he doing
Winifred:
He s delirious.
Angel:
Buffy, I was waiting for you in the demon dimension
Winifred bathes Angels head with water
Winifred:
Hush now it s all right Angel
Angel:
You re here.
Wesley:
Will he be
Winifred:
He should be himself again in a few days
Wesley
How s Spike
Winifred:
Not so good
INT SPIKE S ROOM
Spike is asleep in his bed. Gunn and is standing beside him
Gunn:
Hey man, pull yourself together
Spike:
Come on Buffy, let s get horny baby
Gunn:
Wake up you idiot
Spike
If I wasn t such a prat, I bet we d have been doing this ages ago
Gunn:
What s up with you
Spike:
This is the greatest moment of my life. Just a minute, there s something not right here
Gunn: Huh
Spike: Bloody ell, I still can t do it, you keep falling through me
Spike falls through the bed, into the lobby below
INT LOBBY
Spike falls through the air downwards onto the Lobby floor
Spike
Oof that hurt Buffy
Gunn and Winifred rush downstairs towards Spike
Winifred:
Gunn what happened here
Gunn:
He started saying all this weird stuff about Buffy and he fell through the floor
Winifred
Oh oh, this doesn t look good
Winifred and Gunn pick Spike up off the floor
Spike
Oh baby you re doing real good with your hands.
Gunn:
Not good at all
Spike:
That s a real nice back massage; it s healing all my sexy wounds
Winifred and Gunn place Spike onto the couch
Winifred
Gunn, pass me that sword over there
Gunn:
What for
Winifred:
I m doing an experiment
Gunn passes the sword to Winifred
Winifred:
Thanks
Winifred stabs Spike repeatedly through the hand with the sword
Gunn:
What are you doing? Fred stop
Winifred:
Nope, can t hurt him. He s not corporeal anymore.
Gunn:
He s not corporeal. So all that was for nothing then
Winifred:
Yep, the hocus pocus didn t work, so it s back to the drawing board and back to science
Gunn:
Fred, where s Wesley
INT CHARMONIC DEMON S CAVE
The Charmonic demon is looking through a crystal ball. Spike, Winifred and Gunn are visible in the ball
Charmonic Demon:
No, my plans are ruined
Wesley sneaks up behind the demon and holds a knife to its throat
Wesley
So this is all your doing
Charmonic Demon
Why isn t the champion corporeal
Wesley
You gave me a love potion. Angel mentioned it in his delirium
Charmonic Demon
If it wasn t for the Slayer s DNA on her lips then you wouldn t have been able to foil my plans human. How did you do it
Wesley:
Fred and Buffy use the same lipstick. When Buffy was last in LA, she left some behind, so I simply switched them over
Charmonic Demon:
And that was your clever plan to break the spell
Wesley:
Fred was always confident that science would triumph over magic
Charmonic Demon:
But human, it wasn t a love potion. It was a reuniting potion with a love spell added. It should have still made the vampire corporeal forever
Wesley:
But the malady that was greatest was his desire to be loved by Buffy. Therefore, his need for physical pleasure is not as important to him as he makes us believe. He s a very spritual person
The Charmonic Demon lets out an evil laugh
Charmoinic Demon:
But she will never know that. And he and the other one will remain in their delirium forever and our race will rule the world for all eternity
Wesley decapitates the demon with his knife
Wesley:
Not in my city
INT ANGELS ROOM
Angel s eyes fill with a yellow glow, which then disappears causing Angel to wake up with a start
INT LOBBY
Winifred: Spike, Spike, help me hold him Gunn
Spike is convulsing on the couch
Spike:
You re not going to get away from the horsey slayer
Winifred and Gunn pin Spike down
Spike
Oh, you can restrain me better than that love
Spike s eyes fill with the same yellow glow as Angel s. The glow disappears and Spike regains his senses
Spike:
Just what in the blazes are you two doing
Winifred
Spike you re back, are you okay
Spike
Of course, I am okay, do I look okay, of course, I do, you re not turning thick right
Gunn:
Yeh he s back to normal
Spike
You two have got a lot of explaining to do
Winifred:
Well the gist of it was that you ve been under a spell, but the rest I ll explain later.
Spike:
Oh, am I corporeal now
Gunn:
Er no, sorry Spike man, it didn t work
Spike:
Always knew science was a good thing. Oh, at least you tried. Unlike Mr, I m so special; I m gonna save the world with a bunch of overly paid lawyers , up there
Winifred:
I had better check on Angel
INT ANGEL S ROOM
Angel is laying ontop of his bed and looks confused. Winifred enters the room
Winifred:
You re awake again, that s good, how are you
Angel
Alright I guess. What s been going on
Winifred:
You ve been asleep for two days. I was worried that you d never wake up
Angel:
You always worry too much; you know I ll always be here for you. You re a good friend Fred
Winifred
I ve never thanked you enough for saving me from that awful place Pylea
Angel:
I could hear you in my dreams calling my name. You were there watching everything. Why
Winifred:
Was it a good dream
Angel:
It was the best dream I ve ever had
INT LOBBY
Lorne and Wesley walk through the door. Winifred descends the stairs with Angel s arm over her shoulder. They all move towards the centre of the lobby. Winifred seats Angel next to Spike on the couch
Wesley:
Iv e killed the demon
Lorne:
So folks is everything back to normal. Are the two vamps still kissing
Spike:
What
Lorne:
I thought you two were going to be in love until people stopped wrecking my bar, which means forever
Angel
I kissed Spike
Angel and Spike look at each other in disgust
Winifred:
Lorne, they are normal now
Lorne
Spikey, remember our little bet
Spike:
Erm, not interested in your bet. I m bothered about what the powers that be have in store for our two magic meddlers here. Cos I am bloody pissed off that the Salem witch trials ended 400 years ago.
Gunn
Angel
Angel
What
Gunn:
You like Elvis
Angel:
I don t like Elvis, I like Barry Manilow
Lorne:
You sang it in my club
Angel and Spike look embarrassed
Lorne
About our bet Spike. You need to iron my silks for all eternity
Spike:
I can t believe that I would ever kiss that brunette Rin Tin Tin look-alike over there. You re just using this as an excuse to get someone to do your ironing so that you have more time to sing Judy Garland
Winifred
: He s right, you drank sea breeze
Spike:
I drank that poofy drink. I so will never drink that
Angel:
You did
Gunn:
Angel, are you sure, you don t remember anything
Angel
Just like the idea of Spike looking stupid
Spike:
I am not ironing your shirts for all eternity
Lorne:
Well, since I burned your bed, let s just make it a week
Spike:
You burned my bed
Lorne:
Yeh
Spike:
You burned my bed
Lorne:
Bought you a new King size
Spike:
Oh, cool thanks. Always wanted one, but when I got my chip then my soul. I couldn t get no cash. Fred, how do you use an iron
Fred:
Well you
There is a knock at the door
Wesley
Since no one is talking to me, I guess I ll have to get it
Wesley opens the door; Buffy is standing on the porch. Wesley looks shocked
Wesley:
Come in
Angel:
Buffy
Spike:
Buffy
Winifred:
Gunn, we re going to need a lot of bandages
Buffy:
Hi guys.