Sloth
Summary: On most days it was easy. She got up, had breakfast, went to work, came home, and called her siblings. On most days she lived her life like anyone else. On some days, however, it was different...
Disclaimer: I don't own TUA
On most of the days, it was easier to be able to function than others. It was easier to just get up, get dressed, eat, go work, come home, call one of her siblings depending on what day it was, and go to bed. It was easier to think for herself and do things for herself. Just live. Just be herself. These were most of the days. The days when everything seemed normal, ordinary even. Everything felt, looked and sounded just okay, normal and most importantly...real. It was all as it should be, and whatever foolish thought she had before was just something she could chuckle over during her morning coffee while looking out of the window.
Such a silly thought.
On most of the days, everything was alright. She could act like a functioning adult and person going on with her life and day as any other person she knew. Most of the days were okay. Most of the days were like that.
However, there were other days too. They didn't happen often. One could almost call them that they were rare. Even rarer as she was living a good life with a few friends, her siblings looking out for her and she for them, having a job she loved, a hobby which fulfilled her and yet...sometimes they still happened...
You might ask what happened on those other days...
Well...on the other days...
It was different.
On those other days, not the easy ones, not the ordinary or normal ones where she could get up, have breakfast, go to work, call her siblings...no, she couldn't do any of those things on those other days.
On those rare days, it was like she couldn't do anything at all. It felt like she was standing in the gallery looking at a gloomy black and white painting she saw so many times before, it didn't even cause an impression inside her, no emotions, no thought, no opinion. It was like looking at a painting you saw so many times before it became almost soulless. On those rare days, it felt like she couldn't do anything, but watch that painting without a single emotion or feeling. On those rare days that painting was how Vanya Hargreeves looked at the world around her. It was as if it was all gloomy black and white, and soulless leaving her without a single drop of feeling, emotion, impression or opinion. It was as the soulless world around her made her soulless as well. Perhaps it was true.
On those rare days, it felt different since the moment she opened her eyes. It started with a headache or this pressure inside her skull. Not yet a headache, but close. Sometimes headaches were just headaches. Common pains. Everyone had them from time to time. But this one felt different. It was always the same and over the years she grew familiar with it recognizing it immediately.
Sometimes she would call in sick, just so she could get through those rare days in bed. It was easier that way because she could just lie in bed and let all those thoughts of absurdities run through her mind before the day was over, and she could have breakfast, go to work, call her sibling...
Other times, she thought she could do it without having to cut herself out of things. She thought she could go on with her day and push the feeling of everything she cared and felt something for slipping away from her fingers away enough to go on with her days. Those times were the worst because no matter how in control she felt, how attached she felt and in her right mind, they never stuck. No, she could never beat that demon which was slowly crawling its way through her back to her shoulder where it sat down and with a maleficent grin whispered his spell...
Nothing really matters...
And just like that. With that single thought in her mind, everything she cared about and felt inside her, all her emotions slipped between her fingers like sand leaving her empty-handed and soulless. It was like with that spell the whole world turned black and white all the colors fading away.
Vanya looked down at her hands and watched as the rain fell down on her skin. She could barely feel it. She could see it hitting her hands, but she couldn't feel it. It was like she was a ghost and the rain went through her or maybe like she was untouchable. Maybe it wasn't really raining. Maybe it wasn't real.
She rose her head and stared openly at the sky. Somewhere around her people were hurrying for cover from the rain, some hitting her shoulder as they rushed by her. She didn't feel the contact or notice the way her body constantly jerked from the impact one more violent than the other.
The woman kept her eyes on the sky. The rain was falling down her face, but she didn't feel it. Not at all. Not really. Was it really raining? Wasn't it all just an illusion? What good would that do? What bad would that do?
Vanya blinked when one of the raindrops fell into her eyes. She felt it this time, but for some reason, she found it hard to move. She just stood there on the street in the middle of the rain with people walking by her hitting into her as they rushed away from the pouring rain.
She briefly thought that it was never like this. She usually at least managed to get home if she got this bad, but right now she felt like she couldn't move. Like she didn't want to. Like she didn't know how.
She didn't panic. She wasn't scared, but a part of her wondered if she shouldn't call someone or text someone, but those thoughts were so silent almost like they weren't there at all and the demon on her shoulder only laughed.
Nothing really matters...
She closed her eyes and let the rain fall down on her for a while until someone didn't collide with her sending her 5'1 tiny frame to the ground.
'Sorry,' she heard a man's voice, as well as someone running away. When she opened her eyes she found herself alone on the wet ground getting soaked from the rain people walking around her now creating almost a circle as they tried to avoid her. Most of them were not even paying attention to a woman partly lying partly sitting on the ground. Those who did look just offered her an odd glance probably wondering why she was still on the ground.
By now Vanya felt soaked through her coat, jeans, and shoes. She felt the cold water against her skin. It would have been unpleased almost horrible on a normal day, but on days like these Vanya couldn't be bothered. She couldn't be bothered by anything really. So she just stayed there on the ground looking somewhere she wasn't even sure whereas the water was soaking through all her clothes to her body. Perhaps tomorrow she will feel embarrassed, foolish even about her behavior but today she couldn't be bothered by it. She remained there without moving for what felt like ages and yet a moment at the same time. Time lost its value at that moment for her.
The demon leaned closer to her ear.
Nothing really matters...
When she felt a pair of strong arms around her middle, she didn't scream or jerked away from the touch. She barely even realized it until her feet were set on the still ground and the pair of hands let go of her stomach only to spun her around toward a solid chest.
'Vanya, what the hell? Are you alright?'
She recognized the voice. Of course, she recognized it, it belonged to her brother. She grew up with him her whole life and yet at that moment, he might as well be a stranger to her. She didn't move or say anything she just watched him as he was frowning all confused and worried-looking over her face for some answer of what was going on. He never liked to be clueless about things. He had an unsatisfied hunger for knowledge his whole life.
'Vanya, what's wrong?' he asked and shook her a bit maybe hoping it would help, but she barely felt it at all.
She didn't say anything or move she just watched him trying to focus on his green eyes while the cold was slowly creeping into her body.
She didn't know how much time had passed since he gave up his attempts to shake her awake in the next moment, he cursed out loudly all frustrated for people walking by to hear, 'Shit!'
Five feverishly let his hands run over her clothed and wet body, 'Did someone hurt you?'
She didn't answer.
His hands continued to check her all over if she was buttoned and zipped everywhere. Did he think someone forced himself on her? Well, she was covered and water and mug from her fall, so maybe he did.
'Vanya!' he snapped at her as if that would help to get her attention, but she couldn't answer. She couldn't say a word just watch him even her eyelids feeling heavy.
Five's hand reached into her pocket, and he pulled out her little bottle of pills.
He frowned down at them before he looked back at her face, 'How many did you take?'
How many...oh she remembered now. She was anxious the night before about work, and it gave her insomnia so she took two extra pills or did she take more? She couldn't recall...
Nothing really matters...
The demon chuckled at her shoulder.
She blinked again at his sudden outburst before he took her elbow and started to lead her somewhere off the street.
'Let's go,' he ordered her, but his tone wasn't as firm as she was used to. He could be meaner, crueler, ruthless. But he wasn't. Not now at least.
The direction was not strange to her. She walked this way countless times before. All the way to the outside door to the building, to the stairs, up to the stairs to the small dark hallways. Did this mean she was on her way to his apartment? She couldn't remember now, but she knew her work was the other way. Maybe she did try to seek him out...
She briefly thought about the broken light bulb she told him just yesterday that he should have it fixed. It was still left unchanged in his hallway outside the apartment.
Once he unlocked the door he rushed her inside closing it after them.
'You're insane, you know that?' he asked sharply but didn't wait for an answer probably coming to terms he wouldn't get one.
'Who the hell just sits on the street during a rain,' he mumbled sounding frustrated and annoyed before he went to reap down his coat while kicking off his shoes to the side.
'Insane, really. Who does that? You will catch pneumonia and what will you do then, ha?' he snapped but mostly to himself complaining as old people tend to do all grumpy and frustrated with everything.
She was standing still, on the same spot he left her watching him without a single sound. The demon still on her shoulder.
Nothing really matters...
He turned around, 'Vanya.'
His gaze was pierced into her, his jaw clenched and his lips in a sharp line. He was upset, she recognized that look many times and, usually, it meant he was absolutely crossed with whoever it was meant for. If it was any other day, she would have felt afraid, shocked even that he gave one of those looks to her. But today, she didn't care. She couldn't bring herself to care. The look made her feel nothing just like everything else today.
He walked toward her looking at her face again, whatever he saw there was probably enough for him to set his mind because in the next moment he started to slowly unbutton her coat.
It was quick and in no time, the piece of clothing was being slid down her arms to the ground where it let out a loud damp sound as it hit the floor.
'You're freezing,' he said as his hand covered hers.
She knew he was right. She could feel the cold from her soaked clothes filling her body literally freezing it.
'You're shaking,' he said before he let go of her hands and kneeled down in front of her.
Vanya blinked again and watched as he lifted her right leg and pulled down her shoe before he did the same with the other one while he kept one hand on her waist securing her in case she would lose balance. She realized he always did that. Ever since she could remember, there was always one of his hands on her shoulder, waists, lower back guiding her and making sure she wouldn't fall. Always securing her with one hand.
'Let's go,' he said as he once again guided her, this time to his small bathroom.
She had been in Five's place plenty of times. It was a nice single bedroom apartment just like hers. It didn't feel overly personal or too containing. It made her feel comfortable enough to walk around and sit wherever she liked letting her hair down on most of the days. She wasn't always comfortable in places other than her own. She knew the inside and out of their old mansion where only Luther lived now, but it was too painful because the memories to act as home there. Diego's small boiler room made her feel the same hostility Diego himself did. It was like that place knew his owner's emotions and acted on them toward her making her feel miserable. She never knew where to sit in Allison's fancy house which looking like she was too underdressed for even if Allison herself was wearing casual. Klaus's place was usually his newest boyfriend's place, and she was never asked to visit, but she was sure she would feel just as awkward as she felt everywhere else. Five's place was by far the only one she liked and felt good while staying at so far. At times she wondered if maybe that wasn't why she and he go along so well. Perhaps underneath all their differences, they were the same. They liked things small and simple knowing where they stood and what was around them couldn't contain them too much making it hard to breathe.
She wasn't sure how much time passed or what exactly happened, just that in a couple of moments later she found herself silently watching the water slowly filling Five's tub as he processed to unbutton her shirt.
'You're completely soaked, how long have you been out there?' he asked again, but it was clear he was passed the point of waiting for an answer.
The shirt fell to the ground next leaving her exposed and her body to shudder. It was the first indication that it really was cold. But then again it wasn't her body which was feeling like this, it was her mind.
She felt Five's hand move over her arms to warm her up a bit, 'Alright, just a little bit longer.'
If it was any other day Vanya would have noted that she was now left only in her bra in front of Five and maybe even blush. But on those rare days, the demon's voice made sure she didn't speculate or see anything to worry or excite herself about with such gestures.
Nothing really matters...
When she felt his hands touched her stomach on their way to the zipper on her pants she causally looked over at him.
She could now see that his face was a bit red. Maybe he was the one blushing.
'Sorry,' he said as he undid the zipper and pulled her pants down before once again bending in front of her pulling the clothing down one leg at a time. Tomorrow she would find it embarrassing or funny that someone as tall as a giant like Five had to bent like this to pull down her pants but not today. Today she didn't feel anything as the pants fell to her ankles and Five led her to step away from them.
He looked at her with an expression of something maybe even tomorrow Vanya would have a hard time to understand before he opened his mouth, 'I'm gonna...now I'm gonna... no fuck it. I can't.'
He turned back to the bathtub and stopped the water.
She distantly heard him let out a deep exhale before he turned back around and looked somewhere to the side as his fingers slide under the strap of her panties, and he pushed them down. Wherever Five looked as he slid them to her ankles and then processed to get them off the same way as her pants, Vanya couldn't tell as she kept on looking to the front waiting for Five to return to her level of vision.
He straightened up his chest rising and falling faster than before, and if she could move on her own, she would probably reach out just to see if she would be able to feel his heartbeat under her palm. But she couldn't move. She still couldn't. Not without his hand guiding her.
Nothing really matters...
Five leaned closer to her and kept his eyes on hers as she felt him crept his hands behind her touching her bare back in the process of unhooking her bra. The last piece of clothing she still had on. He easily let the straps slide over her shoulders and pulled the underwear from her body before throwing it to the ground.
She didn't say anything, and neither did he, so now she was just standing there all naked in front of him without a single move or word. She felt a bit tired now as well. Maybe she could lie down for a bit. Five wouldn't mind and even if he did, she didn't care.
He carefully put his hand on her back and then moved it to her lower back a bit slower than necessary. He slightly bent down and put his free hand under her knees quickly lifting her up into his arms before he carefully sat her down into his tub.
The water was hot, but it didn't burn. It made her body feel cozy.
'Alright, now can you just-Hey!' he snapped at her, but she barely acknowledged it. The water in the bath was nice and warm, and it made her feel even sleepier than before.
'Don't do that!' he said and made sure he had her head lifted, 'Don't fall asleep, alright?'
She didn't answer. She couldn't. The demon wouldn't let her, and honestly, she wasn't sure she would stay awake.
'Fucking hell,' he cursed loudly in the bathroom before he with one hand quickly started to move on to the buttons of his own shirt.
'I can't believe it, I'm actually...,' he shook his head, 'This better be work. You're killing me here.'
Honestly, all his words were a little less than sounds in the wind.
He undid his pants and pushed them down along with his underwear while keeping her head above the water.
Tomorrow Vanya might be shocked that she was naked in one room with Five, but today, she didn't care and kept on looking at him not bothered by shame or morals or anything really. Tomorrow her heart might speed up at the thought that they were like this. It was a pretty repetitive thought she amused herself with often on most of the days. But on today it all felt too unreal for her to have a grasp of what was happening. She wanted to touch the moment and absorb the feeling of it, but she couldn't. It was just like with the rain, she saw it falling down against her skin, but she couldn't feel it.
Five carefully shifted her and went into the tub sitting down against the edge before he pulled her closer letting her rest her head on his chest. He kept one hand secured on her stomach and his legs caged her between him keeping her from moving under the water.
'It's okay,' he said his voice a bit softer now as he started to slowly stroke her hair and the side of her head, 'You're okay now.'
Even if she couldn't really feel anything, she caught onto the little things. She could feel how warm the water was on the contrast to how cold she was a moment ago.
Vanya felt her eyes shut at the feeling of her body slowly warming up and coming alive. It wasn't bad. It was actually nice at least by the standards her body had.
She found herself sighing a little bit. Her mind still detached from all of it, but her body coming alive a bit in the hot water the coldness of the rain fading away.
If she wasn't mistaken she felt Five tense a bit before he pressed his head against the top of hers, 'Just come back to me, okay?'
She didn't respond just kept letting her body enjoy the warmth of the water. It was also slowly helping the rest of her body to feel things like Five's skin against her own, his chest moving against her back all solid and steady even though his heart was beating a bit faster than before. Her body felt his arms drumming against her stomach a bit and his breathing a bit faster on the top of her head. She would store it all in her memory for tomorrow Vanya who would enjoy it all more. Feel it more profoundly.
After a while, she felt Five shift a bit against her before her nose picked up on the familiar smell of his shampoo and soap. He always preferred classics. She kept her eyes closed even when she felt him move her head a bit and slowly apply the product to her hair before he started to massage it into her skull. His fingers worked mechanically massaging her head with effective circles which created a bit of pressure but in a good way.
She faintly heard him ask her something, but she couldn't even concentrate anymore her mind turning out completely as she felt him take the soap and start to rub it against her shoulders.
Nothing really matters...
Even if her mind couldn't cooperate, her body clearly enjoyed his fingers a lot as they moved over her skin. It felt a bit bizarre as he moved them all over slowing rubbing the product into her skin. He moved through her chest and then leaned her a bit away from him to get to her back.
Her mind was blank, but her lips parted, and she let out a soft moan when his hand quickly moved between her legs.
As quickly as he had gone there he got out and went down the path through her legs to her feet. He didn't say a word, but she felt his member which he must have been purposely pushing to the side on her back, jerk against her at one point.
'Ignore it,' he said his voice a bit hoarse.
She blinked speechless, as he finished putting on the soap before he sat it away and lifted her a bit higher by the waists.
'Do you feel any better, hm?' he asked his voice now against soft and caring.
Her body hummed not only at the sound of it but also at being so nicely taken care of by his hands a moment ago.
She closed her eyes.
Sometimes it was like that. She noticed. On most of the days she played with the thought it could actually mean something. He always said she was the only one he actually liked from their family. He spoke higher of her than she deserved. He made sure to go to her concerts at least two times a month. He constantly found ways to get her to come to his apartment. Usually, it wasn't that hard to convince her anyway, but it was nice to know he wanted her to be there. On most of the days, she wondered if it meant there was a part of him that liked her the way she liked him, but on those days she was also too afraid to ask or make a direct move.
She wasn't sure when it happened, but she felt Five's hands over her body again and the water washing the soap and shampoo away for what seemed like a moment before she felt herself being lifted into his arms bride style and carried out of the bath.
'Don't slip,' he mumbled as he sat her down and she opened her eyes to look at him.
He took one of his big towels the kind which hugged her whole body as he put it over her shoulders and started to dry her, his eyes looking at her face the whole time. Tomorrow she would find the blush on his face adorable and funny since he already saw her naked. He saw all there was about her and was still standing naked himself in front of her. There weren't many things to be blushing about. Tomorrow she would feel a lot of things about what he did today for her, just not today.
'Just a few moments,' he said before he reached for her face and wiped something away, 'Eyelash.'
He brought his thumb to her face, 'Will you wish for something?'
She didn't answer or lowered her eyes from his. They looked so vulnerable now. How could it be? He always stood so straight and tall, never backing down, never allowing defeat. She never saw him scared like this before.
'Okay,' he sounded like he was a little boy again. An actual little boy. But even when he was really little she couldn't remember him ever sounding like that.
He brought his hand toward his face looked away for a moment and said, 'I hope you will be yourself tomorrow.'
Then he blew the little eyelash away and continued to dry her with the towel, 'I never know whether you should say the wish out loud or not. Still seems silly, but you believe in things like that, don't you?'
He made a knot on the towel to secure it around her body as he went to take one himself and then another one to put over her hair.
She knew tomorrow Vanya would think he had a nice ass as he turned his back to her to get the towel. It was something she thought from time to time as her gaze landed on it on most of the days.
Five got them out of the bathroom and moved to his bedroom where he sat her down on the bed, 'You're gonna have to do with my clothes today. All my t-shirts will most likely be dresses for you, but I think we will manage.'
He was rambling. He was trying to occupy his mind now. Maybe so he wouldn't panic over how she was now. Maybe so he wouldn't panic over that they bathed together. Well, he bathed her. Will she feel strange about it tomorrow?
He undid the knot on the towel and pulled one of his long shirts over her head and down before he guided each of her legs into a pair of boxes and pulled them up. Now she was dressed again.
'You're drowning in those,' he commented before he returned to his closet and picked up his own clothes.
She watched him openly. She didn't feel anything that would force her to look away or leave the room. So she just sat there where he put her and watched as he pulled away the towel and put on some clothes. He didn't seem to have enough modesty to go to the bathroom either, or maybe he just didn't want to leave her on her own.
Once he was done, he came back to her and lifted her up again only to have her lied down on the bed. How many times he had done this? She remembered sometimes she fell asleep on his couch and then wake up in his bed. He always stayed on the couch when she was in the bed though. But not tonight.
He went to turn off the lights and came to lie down next to her on the other side. She felt the bed shift and because it wasn't that late there was still evening light coming from the windows.
She wondered if they would talk about it all tomorrow. If he would ask her again why she stood in the rain and why she took the extra pills and if she would be again the same old Vanya and answer. She also wondered if they would talk about this. About how he found her and took care of her so lovingly. Even with the demon's claws still digging into the skin of her shoulder not letting go and whispering his cruel spell, leaving her passive about it all. A small part of her liked to think they would. She was sure tomorrow she would feel embarrassed and silly for it all, but also a bit happy and thrilled. She knew how on most days Vanya was and how she felt about Five.
'I hope,' he mumbled suddenly by her right.
She shifted her eyes toward him even if she couldn't see his face properly.
'I hope I didn't make it worse for you,' he swallowed a bit, 'Or made you feel uncomfortable or think I used you-'
His voice sounded so worried. Even Vanya on rare days could hear he started to panic about it all. It didn't suit him to be scared like that.
She felt too tired to talk and move in any big way. The demon didn't let her.
But very slowly her index finger touched his and impossibly leisurely stroked his skin in her brief moment defiance to the demon
Nothing really matters...
-but tomorrow it will.
She couldn't get the demon of her shoulder today, but tomorrow she would be free, and she would explain all of it to Five. She already could tell he would understand and help her in any way she needed. Some things couldn't be fixed, but they could be mended.
Five moved on the bed and rolled her to her side before he spooned her from the behind, 'Take your time. I'm here.'
With that, she closed her eyes and let the rare day come to an end. Tomorrow would be one of the most days where she would wake up and have breakfast and talk to Five. Tomorrow all would be alright.
A.N: No idea how this happened, but I'm fucked up so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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