If I didn't want to be seen I wouldn't be on stage
Whispers filled the room as the next performer took the stage. With all the grace of a sloth, Craig walked into the spotlight. It looked like he just woke up, or he hasn't slept these past few days. That would be surprising if he hasn't because unlike me he can fall asleep wherever he is.
Once he is under the bright lights he clears his throat, hushing the audience. This is just a silly talent show that I didn't even know he entered. But here he was standing by himself on stage with his guitar in his arms. I've never heard him sing, just heard his friends talk about him sing. He said he wanted to find the perfect moment to sing to me.
He never did and probably never will.
He starts to strum his guitar. His fingers steadily glide along the beauty. From my second row seat I see him bite the corner of his lip. That's something he only does when he's nervous. I saw him do it when he asked me out followed by many times after that. It's the only way I know he's nervous. Other than that he shows no other sign.
He was biting his lip when we got into 'The Fight' too. That's what I call it, 'The Fight,' because ever since then neither one of us has talked to each other. It's been two weeks since then and I just figured we broke up. Just thinking about it makes my chest sink.
I can't cry here, though.
But it's so hard not to. After four years of being in a relationship, and then not talking for two weeks does something to a person. I'm about to stand up to leave when I hear Craig sing.
"There's plenty of time left tonight. I promised I'd have you home before daylight." And his voice is just gorgeous against my ears.
I guess I will stay and watch.
"We do the best we can in a small town, act like big city kids when the sun goes down." I'm trying to think of the song, but I don't think I've heard it.
Looking at Craig now, who usually looks so relaxed, actually looks a little disheveled. Has he showered the past few days? I think he was wearing the same outfit yesterday. Yeah, he was definitely wearing that hideous plaid button-up. I hate that shirt. And it's weird because when I saw him in the hallways or in class I would only glance at him. But now I can state into his smokey eyes.
"If it's not too late for coffee I'll be at your place in ten," It's never too late for coffee. Wait. Coffee? Now I am trying to pay attention to the lyrics. "We'll hit that all night diner and then we'll see."
His voice fills the auditorium. It really is a gift from the heavens. And those lyrics... If I was conceited I would think they were about me. But he wouldn't think about me. No, he thinks about video games, his guitar, and his guinea pigs. Not me. I'm the one to dwell on his stupid face at three in the morning while I'm hopped up on coffee. I have nothing to do except think about what went wrong with us. What went wrong?
Everything.
I was being an idiot and got off my medicine. He was being a sarcastic jerk because he doesn't know how to handle me when I'm off of them. Or maybe I never realized how much of a sarcastic jerk he was until I wasn't on pills. I know I'm at fault too because without anyone knowing I stopped taking them. I didn't like how they made me feel. I hated going to the doctor. I hated it. I wanted to be myself, without the pills. But it just turned into a big fucking mess.
'The Fight' started with me having a bad day. I didn't sleep, got into a fight with my mom that almost led to me getting kicked out, and then fought with Craig.
Craig. He's such a handsome boy. His black hair barely reaches his eyebrows, and his skin is tan even though South Park never sees the sun. I've known him my entire life, but didn't get to really know him until these past few years. His favorite food is spaghetti; he puts too much creamer in his coffee; he gave up smoking when I told him I hated drugs. He was the perfect boy. The boy too in love with his guitar. The boy too in love with his guinea pigs, Coco and Sugar. He was the boy that used to be in love with me.
"There are so many things I have to say. I'll stay up all night to hear about your day." What an accurate lyric. He has done that before. I woke him up in the middle of the night and he just sat with me on the phone. "We do the best we can in a small town. Act like kids in love when the sun goes down." This is such a beautiful song. "If it's not too late for coffee I'll be at your place in ten. We'll hit that all night diner and then we'll see."
Coffee. Small town. Kids in love. What was he singing about? Craig has never told me he loves me. Another part of our fight. But I wouldn't mind staying out with him all night. Sitting at some diner in the city drinking coffee. Or sitting outside and watching the stars.
We've done that before. I was having a crap time after visiting so many doctors, and he took me out to his roof. And even though I was terrified as shit I trusted him. I trust him. We ended up watching the night sky and just talked. I saw the sunrise with him. It was a beautiful night. I learned that he had fears almost like mine. That he was afraid of the future. He felt insecure. And that he didn't want to lose me. That's about as close to "I love you" as I got with him.
"There's a love that transcends all that we've known of ourselves, and I'll wait for it to come. I'll wait for it to come." There he goes with that love word. How come he can sing it so well, but can't say it? Four years I've waited. Four years and it's our first fight.
"Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart through its shell." Sure as hell got that right. "And I'll wait for it to come. I'll wait for it to come."
As he sings he's looking around the audience. His eyes lock with mine and he looks like he's about to show emotion. His stoic persona is about to break. Two weeks without me, the fuck up, and he's already breaking.
That's a laugh. Craig breaking. He doesn't break. I break. I fall apart. I'm the one that needs attention. He's too put together. Perfect without any effort.
But now here he is looking me in the eyes from the stage. Can he see me or is he just staring? The light has to be too bright. He can't possibly see me.
"Tweek Tweak," He stops strumming his guitar. The action makes me jump in my seat. And I know he can see me. I can tell the lights are low enough for him to see through the crowd. They can probably see through me.
He can see me just as well as I see him. There's an awkward silence and I feel eyes are watching me.
"I love you," Craig's voice doesn't even falter. And with that he starts to play again, "If it's not too late for coffee I'll be at your place in ten. We'll hit that all night diner and then we'll see."
Eyes are still on me, so I know I heard him right. He said he loved me. Craig I don't give a fuck Tucker loves Tweek crazy fuck Tweak. What sick love story is this? But it's such a beautiful love story. Cliché, yes, but how many people can say that their significant other announced their love to them?
Craig has never said I love you until now. Is that the real reason why he was so nervous when he got on stage? That would explain why he kept looking throughout the audience too.
"There's a love that transcends all that we've known of ourselves," Yes there is, isn't there? "And I'll wait for it to come. I'll wait for it to come." Do you think this, Craig?
"Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart through its shell. And I'll wait for it to come," He stops playing his guitar and grips onto the microphone in front of him, "I'll wait for it to come down."
And the song is finished. The other students are in as much disbelief as I am. In the four years we have been in a relationship only a select few knew about it. And now the whole school knew. And Craig Tucker wasn't one to throw out words like that. None of us expected it. Not even me.
I realized my gaze hadn't moved from Craig's eyes that were locked on mine. It was just me and him. It always has been just me and him. Through all the medications, and fights with our parents, the late night phone calls and sneaking into each others houses. We had something. We have something. And after two weeks of not talking I missed the fuck out of him.
And that's why I interrupted the five seconds of silence with, "I love you too." I heard the words come out of my mouth. In all its unnaturally high pitched, strained glory I said those words. And I said them to Craig.
And I completely forgot it was a talent show until I heard people clapping. Was it for us or the song? Probably the song. It was so beautifully sung.
Craig was the last performer, so we were all dismissed after that. I immediately searched for Craig. Looking through the swarm of bodies I saw everyone except him. And freaked out when someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around to see Craig there, guitar slung over his shoulder, biting his lip. I instantly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down into a kiss.
"I'm so sorry," I told him.
I felt a smile form on his lips as he kissed me again. Yes, this was perfect. I don't care if he's a total jerk and he doesn't care if I'm nuts. We have each other. We will always have each other. We will fight, but only because we're human. And there will be nights when I need comforting, or nights where he just needs me there. Because Craig has been the best thing in my life.
Somebody's elbow hits me and I stumble, all one-hundred pounds falling onto Craig. "Watch where you're going, fuckhead," I hear him yell.
And he'll always protect me.
"So," I pull his attention back to me, "coffee at the diner?"
He bit the corner of his lip, "Only if you're willing to stay out all night."
Coffee, Craig, and staying out all night? We're going to have some amazing years ahead of us.
~End~
Had this song and story in my head all day.
Crap and cliche, I know, but I like shitty teen love.
'Coffee' by Copeland