Title: The Half-Blind Date
Rating: T *coughPG-13-ishcough*
Warnings: Language, Innuendo
Summary: Darcy Lewis. Xander Harris. A date... and Xander's luck with dates.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except a demented mind, it really isn't worth suing me over.
Author's Notes: Written for the enchanting and beguiling LaLaShivers/UsedKarma/Ophelie and the fuckyeahdarcylewis tumblr.
Darcy Lewis was running late. Not that that's an unusual occurrence for her. 'Also not my fault,' she thought to herself as she moved to the table her blind date was sitting at outside the little cafe. 'But I can't just blurt out to my date "Oh, sorry I'm late, we had terrorists attempt to take over my workplace. Again." I don't think that will go over well.' Darcy shook her head as she saw her blind date, or as her cousin Vi kept calling it a half-blind date and then refusing to elaborate on. 'I can't decide if I want that Hawaiian shirt to be part of his normal wardrobe or just something he wore so I could find him.'
The moment Darcy sat down she realized her cousin's comment was about as she noticed the eye patch. In the brief pause she took to gather herself to apologize for being late, and to stop wondering if he knew where to get another tie-dyed eye patch for her to give to Fury, the guy spoke. "You're going to try and kill and eat me before the night ends, aren't you?" Darcy's mind screeched to a sudden halt, the only thought prevalent being: 'The hell?'
"Dude, I'm not going to kill and eat you, or kill or eat you." Darcy shook her head and plotted revenge against Vi. Beloved cousin or not she's in for payback.
"I don't know. I've been burned before, it's how my luck goes," the guy said and flashed a cute half-smile. 'Okay, maybe I won't hurt Vi too much.'
"Don't be so paranoid, we haven't even introduced ourselves yet. Hi, I'm Darcy Lewis," Darcy stuck her hand across the table offering a shake as a full smile graced his lips. 'Vi is still getting some kind of payback. Or a gift basket.'
"Okay Darcy, just know I've got friends who'll rescue me," he said as he shook her hand gently. She snatched a croissant off the table as she pulled her hand back and nibbled as he continued. "And I'm Xander Harris, it's a pleasure to meet you," Darcy watched a twinkle hit his eye as he added. "Just don't attack."
She couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled forth. Darcy leveled one of her best smirks and her sultriest eyes at him and let a little extra huskiness slip into her voice. "Are you sure you don't want me to attack?"
Darcy thought she'd had him when he swallowed at the line, so when he came back with "Just remember, my safeword is 'pineapple.'" she almost choked on her croissant. Now she got to see his smirk and had to admit, it suited him.
"Sure thing Chuck. So how do you know my cousin Vi?"
"Nerd Herder! Sorry," Darcy smiled at his slip. "Vi and I work together, I've known her for years now. Both work for the same international private school. I was based with her in Cleveland until they finally kicked me out of the city and told me to get a new branch up and running here in Nyawk," he said trying a New York accent.
"Wait," Darcy started as she shook her head at his failed accent. "Why were you kicked out of Cleveland?"
"I made a few too many Snake Plissken jokes about surviving Cleveland so they decided to send me to New York." An embarrassed shrug followed his statement and Darcy smiled more.
"I guess after you escape here you'll be going to L.A. then?"
"Just might, not sure where I'll go after that. Got any suggestions?"
"I suggest you don't wipe out all electronics on the planet or I will attack you," Darcy said with a toss of croissant at him. "You don't want to see me without access to my iPod."
"Warning received, allow a tyrannical government to have a terrifying weapon, do not deprive Darcy her tunes." Xander's serious look and solemn nod brought another smile out of Darcy.
"You've passed your first test with me, you've proven you're trainable. Can you do tricks too? Sit up? Roll over? Beg?" Darcy realized what she'd set herself up for when she saw his reaction to the last night.
"Do you have something in mind that I should beg for?" He threw in a fake overdone leer that set her chortling.
"Hey bucko, the date's still early to see if you'll be doing any begging. But you do seem fairly well trained, so..."
"For the last decade or so my best friends have all been women or guys double my age or more. I'm almost completely housebroken. But no one lets me sleep at the foot of their bed," his head shook in mock sadness and he dabbed at his eye.
"Not completely housebroken, I don't know... I like my floors as they are."
"Oh I was trained not to go on the floor it's just I found other ways to mark my territory," the exaggerated leer barely lasted a second before they both burst out laughing.
"Okay, you've gotten to hear a bit about me, some of it even true. So why don't you let me hear a bit about you."
"I will, just don't rhyme anymore, it's creepy. I'd hate to have to taser you."
"Of course I'll try not to rhyme to annoy such a lady would be a cri-," he stopped when Darcy brandished her taser and arced it for emphasis. Xander's arms went up in surrender and he smiled.
"I work for my best friend Jane as her helper minion at Stark Industries. I fetch the life nourishing Pop Tarts and make sure she actually goes to bed sometimes. Other little office things, the gofer route and all that. Not terribly glamourus but it's fun at times," Darcy said, with the thought of 'and sometimes blood-chillingly terrifying.'
"Ah the life of a minion, I remember it well. 'Yes Master this, yes Master that' and the bug eatings too." Seeing the look on Darcy's face Xander quickly added. "The Dark Lo- my boss was a strange one. Let's forget the bug eating thing. No mentions of bug eating. That'll probably cut down on my stories about Africa though."
"Okaaaay, apart from bug eating what did you do in Africa?" Darcy was warming up to him, she had to admit. He was a nice mix of normal and weird.
"I was a headhunter," Xander said plainly only to get a patented Darcy Look for his troubles. "No, really. I set up a branch of the school in Africa and traveled the continent to find students and teachers for it. It's just fun to use the headhunting term."
"If you say so. Now, why did you think I was going to kill or eat you?" Darcy liked the chagrined look on his face.
"Um, I've had some really bad dates?"
"Dude, I've had some bad dates but even I've not feared death and can... Oh, you ran afoul some cannibal tribes?"
"Not really, a couple but they were actually polite and it had nothing to do with dating. Just a few bad dates, well, really I think all but one woman I've gone out with has either tried to kill me, my friends, others or is dead. Most a combination thereof," Xander said with a very self-conscious shrug and look down.
Darcy couldn't help but reach out and squeeze his hand even if he did just say he was dangerous to be around. His sad look made her think of Bruce and she always tried to cheer him up too. "Well, I've got no intentions to harm or kill and I've got friends who'll come for me to help keep me from getting all dead too. Besides, it's our first date. What's the worst that could happen?"
The horrified look on Xander's face clued her in to what she said. "Please tell me I didn't just..."
"Oh you did, you definitely did," Xander said in a panic and he started looking around.
"I learned that rule years ago, I know better than that. Or maybe we're both just too parano-" They were both enveloped in a white light and disappeared before she could finish her sentence.
"So... When can we expect your friends to rescue us?" Darcy asked a bit sarcastically after they'd been trapped in the room for nearly half an hour.
"Not for at least another half-hour. We give an hour or more for us to get out of it or for the bad guy to monologue so we know how to stop them. Besides, right now my arm is only pointing at 'Kidnapped' and not 'Mortal Peril' so they'll just be assembling a team in case it changes," Xander rambled off-handedly as he made himself comfortable in the chair opposite Darcy.
"Wait, so you weren't kidding about having friends who'd rescue you? And what do you mean arm and all that? Lucy you've got some splaining to do."
"Yeah, we tend to rescue each other. Not sure who went after me this time, I'm sorry you got pulled into this. And the arm thing... You know the Weasley's clock in Harry Potter? It says if they're home, traveling, work or in mortal peril? We ripped off that idea to monitor the main people are the kidnap bait. Which, sadly, is me. Knowing them they probably had a team on standby since I was going on a date and were taking bets when something would happen. They better share the winnings this time," Xander muttered the last bit as Darcy's eyes got larger as he went on.
"Why do I have the feeling you underplayed your job a bit?" Came Darcy's sarcastic addition.
"Um, the schools we work are train supernatural warriors to battle evil supernatural creatures?" Xander said a bit meekly.
"Ah, how's that pay?"
"Not too bad, but the job can be a killer," Xander said with a wink.
"So is that what happened to you-" Darcy was cut off as there was a flash in the room that deposited another person. Xander jumped to his feet between Darcy and the other person before he saw a slender woman wearing only a thin nightgown. He quickly turned around and moved behind Darcy.
"Jane!" Darcy let out shocked and moved to her friend and boss. "Are you okay? And were you planning a night of thunder because that's not your normal dressing gown."
"Here," Xander said still turned around, his Hawaiian shirt off and balled in his hand held behind his back for Darcy to get. "I think your friend might appreciate some modesty."
"Thanks dude," she grabbed the shirt and helped cover up Jane.
"I was in my room and, yes I was expecting company. Where am I and who's he?" Jane said as she buttoned up the too-big shirt.
"Ah, this is my date Xander. There was a flash of light and poof, we're here. And now you are. Looks like you're off the hook, it was one of ours who kidnapped us not one of yours," Darcy threw back at Xander. "And you can turn around now."
"Thanks. So, one of yours?"
"He really likes to screw with my lovelife," Jane muttered.
"Yeah, Jane's boyfriend is Thor. Since she and I were both grabbed I'm guessing it was probably Loki out to cockblock us all."
Xander let out a choked "Cockblock?"
Darcy hit his arm and smiled, "Hey, you were making a good impression. Now if you can get us out of here on your own it's a sure thing. Hero's reward and all that."
Jane shook her head at her friend's behavior and Xander's blushing. "Thor will realize something happened soon and then the Avengers will find us."
Xander cleared his throat. "Did you say you think it's Loki, as in Norse mythology Loki?"
"Yeah, I'm dating his brother Thor. He must be gathering up people close to Thor to use against him and you got caught up in it, I'm sorry about that," Jane heartfeltly spoke.
"It's okay, I'm used to being kidnapped. Besides, if it's Loki..." Xander moved to the center of the room and in a clear and loud voice spoke. "Loki, God of Mischief, I summon thee to honor a debt owed."
Darcy and Jane both watched Xander with mixed expressions of incredulity and humor. And both jumped when Loki appeared in a flash.
"And who are you, mortal, to summon me for a debt?" Loki drawled as he looked Xander over, his expression betraying nothing but scorn at what he saw.
"I am the holder of the debt you owe Anyanka." It was a simple statement by Xander but it caused a good deal of shock on Loki's face.
"How do you come to be the holder? Anyanka was noted for her hatred of men and I don't see her just giving it to another," Loki sneered even as he used his magic to look deeper at the man and then use all his nerve not to step back at the myriad of overlaid spells, magic and trauma on the mortal.
"When she passed I was left all her holdings, both mortal and supernatural. As such I'm calling in that debt now, will you honor the debt?"
"I shall, what is it you wish?"
Xander actually laughed at that. "I know better than to wish Loki. Here is what I want in to remove this debt. You will return all of us to where we were before you took us and never again come after any of the three of us of we're on a date."
"And what of my brother?"
"I figure he'll be dating Jane and be spared, and if he's going on a date with someone other than her she won't care. I know about you Loki, if I tried to confine you too much you'll work that much harder to get at us, but I figure this deal won't be too hard for you to swallow and uphold. So, do we have a deal?"
Darcy assumed it was a deal since there was a flash of light and they were back outside the cafe in their seats. She'd try to figure out later how she went from standing to sitting. She smiled as Xander gave her a little shrug. "So, how does this rate on your normal first date scale?"
Xander actually smiled. "Not too bad, I've had great company and didn't need rescuing. It rates high up there, that's for sure."
"I'm glad I rate. Come on, let's grab some hot cocoa and you can walk me home," Darcy said as they both stood. "And I'll get your shirt back from Jane tomorrow and hold it hostage until our next date."
Xander stumbled a bit. "I get a second date?"
"Of course, what do you take me for? I don't do one night stands."
"Now I'm confused," Xander looked at her a bit puzzled as she grabbed them both a hot cocoa.
"Hey, I promised you hero reward sex if you got us out of there, I'm not letting you back out on me now. So, come along," Darcy said, leading him toward her place.
"You know you don't have to..."
"Of course I know, if I had to you wouldn't be the hero," Darcy said and nudged his shoulder with a smile. "So who was this Anyanka whose debt you used to save us?"
"Oh," Xander's voice became a bit sad. "She was my ex, she didn't make it out of a major battle we all had and she'd left everything to me. I didn't know but... See, she was a Justice Demon, she started as a human, became a demon, then became a human again, then a demon again, and finally a human. She was the Patron Saint of Scorned Women and would go throughout time and space, I think, to wreak venge... er, justice on men for cheating and such."
"Yeah, we're going to have a loooong talk about that later. But first, 'Patron' Saint of Scorned Women? Patron? You'd think it'd be Matron or Maiden Saint, but Patron? What's up with that?"
"I never figured that out either and thought it might not be the best idea to ask," Xander said with a smile and half shrug. "She used to go into detail on how she tortured men, I figured it was better to not ask some things."
"Ah, gotcha. I wonder what she had on Loki then."
"Oh, that I know," he started before pausing to sip his hot cocoa and draw it out a little. "It had something to do with Angrboða and when Loki got knocked up by a horse."
Xander's timing proved true as Darcy sputtered the hot cocoa she was going to swallow. Between laughs she hit Xander's arm repeatedly. "You dick! Hot cocoa is not meant to go out my nose! You did totally that on purpose!"
"Who? Me? Would I time a mythological punchline for when you were trying to swallow hot cocoa?"
"Yes! Dick, I should so taser you," Darcy said menacingly and reached for her bag.
"I'll make it up to you, promise."
"Oh really, and just how you planning on that?"
"Well, you're offering up a hero's reward..." Xander leaned close to her ear and spoke softly, "How about some heroic reciprocation?"
"Yeah..." Darcy's breath caught a little at his voice. "Well you just better live up to that then."
"I'll say this Darcy," Xander said as he wrapped an arm around her. "You'll be comparing notes with Jane about how it is to have a Viking in the sack."
Their shared laughter followed them all the way to her apartment.