Selfish

Author: Pharo

Disclaimer: 'Alias' belongs to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot, Touchstone, and ABC.

Summary: Some anniversaries are just not meant to be happy.

Spoilers: "Truth Be Told" and "The Confession".

Feedback: pharo@onebox.com

'most times, I miss the voice that goes unheard…' ---Course of Nature, 'Caught In The Sun'

It's been one year to this very day since Danny's death. One year since I picked up the first strands of evil in SD-6. One year since I felt that staggering pain in my heart at the site of him left carelessly in the cold, white ceramic tub. I felt like I was going to break, like I would literally fall to pieces and shatter. I kept thinking that maybe someone would pick up the pieces and make a stained-glass window or something.

It's funny because I almost forgot it had been a year today. I woke up in the morning and for two minutes, I went about my daily activities before realizing what today was. I'm a great person, right? I practically pull the trigger to kill the love of my life and I can't even remember the anniversary.

I'm not really sure how it hit me. One moment, I was fine---brushing my teeth, looking into the mirror and seeing how bad I look in the mornings. The next thing that I knew was that I was slumped down on the floor of the bathroom, leaning against the door and feeling like I was back in that bathroom, crying for him, crying for me, crying for what I had done.

Now, somehow I managed to get back to my bedroom and under my covers. Maybe I can wait it out---stay in bed the whole day and wait for things to stop hurting. I spend nearly fifteen minutes like this until I admit to myself that Danny deserves more than this. He certainly deserved more than I ever gave him…could ever offer him.

I get dressed. Nothing fancy, just the first thing in my drawer that is clean. Fate would have it, my attire turns out to be dark colors. It suits me just fine, which doesn't say much, because at this moment, anything that isn't my pajamas suits me fine. I grab my cell phone and car keys and head out the door.

"Can you meet me somewhere?"

"Just name the place."

As I stand here in the cold, waiting for him to arrive, I can't help but think about Danny. He's always in my mind---in some way or another. The smallest things remind me of him. I can't look at a Band-Aid with cartoon characters on it without thinking of him. I can't look at my answering machine without remembering how it took three hours to get a simple one-minute message recorded. Even after the three hours, it wasn't perfect, but I never needed perfect anyway.

"Sorry I'm late. It took me awhile to find this place," he says when he arrives. "This is the last place I expected us to meet."

I look around at our surroundings. The neon sign has been turned off due to the daylight. Inside, a million lights are on and the faint sound of a bowling ball can be heard rolling across the smoothly waxed, wooden floor.

"Remember our first date? The bowling alley?"

Rented shoes, heavy, black balls, vinyl seating, and hamburgers with side orders of fries. He had tried to teach me the correct method of bowling. When he saw that I was doing better than he was, he gave up and asked me for pointers on his game.

"He would've like you," I tell Vaughn, blinking away the tears.

"Who?"

"Danny," I say, fighting back the tears. "I'm sorry. I just---"

"It's ok," he says.

A bitter laugh escapes from me.

"'Ok'? Yeah right. Nothing will ever be ok---not for me. What is 'ok' anyway? I mean, is it ok that I can't watch 'ER' anymore because every doctor looks like Danny to me? Is it ok that Francie has taped every episode, waiting for the day I'll be able to sit and watch them? Is it ok that I never will be able to? Is it ok that every time I walk by the quad I hear him singing in competition with the tolling bells? Is it ok that I still turn to my engagement ring when things become crazy? Is all that ok, Vaughn?"

"It's understandable."

'Understandable'. Isn't that just another word for 'ok'?

"You're being redundant," I say with a small grin. It just doesn't feel right to grin today.

"I'm being supportive."

"That what they're calling it these days?"

"That's what the handbook says," he replies.

Danny must hate me right now. Joking while he's still lying somewhere six feet under---somewhere I put him.

"You're cold," he states. "Let's go in."

I nod. Taking his warm hand in my cold one, we walk in together. I need him to be able to move from my place in front of the bowling alley. I need him so that I don't fall. I need him to remind me of where I am and to make sure that I'm real.

"He always said these floors were so clean that we could eat of off them."

I look at the blue vinyl seating lounge types and all the blinking in the world can't get rid of the tears. I hold on tighter to his hand and I'm afraid that I'm cutting off his circulation, but he doesn't seem to mind. He gives my own hand a little squeeze. He points to a table in the eating area and we sit down.

"I miss him a lot, Vaughn," I say, stating the obvious.

"Tell me about him."

"Really?" I ask, not sure if he actually wants to hear about my dead ex.

"Yeah."

I smile because he's genuine. I wouldn't expect anything less than that from him. He's always genuine.

"Well, he wanted to be a pediatrician. He loved kids. Our place had no regular Band-Aids. We always bought the kid packs with Scooby and Bugs on them."

I swallow hard. He's gone and I still buy them.

"The kid packs are always the best," Vaughn comments.

"He wanted us to travel some place together. We almost went once, but the bank---"

I stop. This is Vaughn I'm talking to. It's not 'the bank'. It's at this moment that I feel like I'm going to just shatter. I don't even have to go into thinking about lying anymore. They've molded me into a liar.

"Syd?"

"But, uh, SD-6 missions always got in the way," I finish, finally looking at him. "Can we get out of here?"

For a moment, he looks like he's about to protest that we just got here, but the moment fades and he leads the way out…back into the cold world that doesn't even remember who Daniel Hecht was.

"I can't…I can't do this anymore. None of this."

I idiotically wave my hand around to show 'this', knowing even with the motion, I'm being pretty ambiguous.

"I don't understand," he says and I find myself wishing so hard that he could.

"I'm tired of everything. All I do is fight and lie and miss the things that I gave up when I got recruited to save the world."

"I know," he says.

"How? I don't even understand it. I can't save the world. I couldn't even save my fiancée."

He starts to say something, but I'm too busy wondering if it is the Bristow collective fate to kill their respected others. I did it to Danny. My father did it to my mother…or did she do it to him? That one is still debatable.

"I miss Danny. I miss his smile, his laugh, the way he always saved the best tasting food for last. I miss…"

I don't know why I'm even telling all of this to Vaughn. I don't know if it's because I need someone to talk to or because I need someone else to hurt as bad as I am. Normally, I'd beat myself up for even thinking about doing what I so crudely am I doing, but I just don't have it in me to care anymore.

"I---"

He takes my hand and pulls me into an one-armed hug. It feels like someone sucked all the cold air in a room and turned on gentle heat. He's the heat and I'm the frigid air. I can't even count the ways in which I don't deserve him.

I don't know if it's the warmth that passes from him to me or the sound of bells ringing in the afternoon---it might even be a mixture of both---that opens up the great dam of tears that couldn't be kept to myself.

He kisses my forehead, whispering how he'll make sure everything is all right and it just makes my mind scream at myself even more for doing this to him. I don't know if I hate myself more for breaking down or for letting him risk his life in comforting me.

I should've just stayed home all day with ice cream, old movies, and my baby blanket, but I'm selfish. I told Danny because I couldn't stand lying to him. I'm selfish. I wanted us to have something that could never be. I'm selfish. I did this and now I have to deal with it all.

I'm selfish. I chose to call Vaughn, knowing he'd never decline. He treasures these stolen moments just like I do, no matter what the circumstance are, because they're all we have.

I'm selfish, but then again, so is he.