Title: Have Tea With Moi

Author: Caz251

Summary: Morticia finally gets to sit down and take tea with Gwen.

Characters: Morticia, Gwen and Lurch, with mentions of the torchwood team and Addams family.

Spoilers: Spoilers for Torchwood and The Addams Family

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own either the Addams Family or Torchwood, no matter how hard I wish it were so.

AN: Another oneshot in my Addams Family/Torchwood universe, this is set after Of Strange Men and Kitty Cats. Criticism is welcomed, be it constructive or not.

Morticia Addams looked around the tea shop that she was sat in. She had arranged to meet her nephew's wife for tea, and for some reason the other woman wouldn't have tea with her at the manor. It was as if the woman didn't trust her or something, she had insisted on being somewhere public. She wouldn't do anything to the woman, and her tea was simply amazing, but the other woman wouldn't be swayed. Instead she had chosen a tea shop in the middle of Cardiff and informed Morticia that if she wished to have tea with her that it would have to be there. Morticia had never been so insulted, as if she would poison the tea or something, how dare that little pipsqueak of a woman think so badly of her, of an Addams. Morticia was determined to show her, and show her she would.

She had arrived at the little quaint tea shop a few hours before she was to meet with Gwen and began making some observations. Although people were giving her a wide berth she was feeling rather comfortable. She was bedecked completely in black regardless of the fact that for once the sun was actually shining in Cardiff. Someone had asked her at one point if she could get anything for her and she had made a request, making sure that it wouldn't be rebuffed. The woman had rushed off, unsure about the request, but it wasn't long before Morticia's requests were carried out.

Soon the table cloth was a serious black and a few plants had been placed around her corner table, blocking out most of the light. She then informed the girl to send a Gwen Cooper-Williams to her when she arrived, then she beckoned to Lurch who had been waiting in a corner for direction. He nodded sharply before disappearing, returning with a large black teapot filled with a delicious green tea of her own making. It was her favourite blend, she had made it herself, the recipe one that had been passed down the family for generations and altered a little by each person.

Morticia gave a small smirk as she heard Gwen approach her corner the girl showing her the way, she smiled at Gwen an insecure smile, gesturing that she should sit down opposite her. "Gwen dear, I'm glad that you would join me. I'm so sorry that we haven't really had a chance to get to know each other yet. Between the party and our trip away we just haven't had the time to get together."

Gwen just looked at her with a slightly vague look as if she didn't know what to say so Morticia continued. "I really want to know about you, you are our little Aluka's wife now. You should know our family, and we should know you."

Morticia was almost cackling with glee at the look of horror dawning on Gwen's face. She had to admit that this was something that she should have done before she left. Their tea had been disrupted by a tango during the party, but she should have made time before they left to spend with the woman, she could be so amusing.

Gwen just stuttered out a response of "Yes, lovely." before trying to find answers in the bottom of her empty cup. Seeing her opportunity Morticia sprung into action, pouring her a cup of her special blend.

"It's a lovely place that you chose for us to meet dear; I had never noticed this place on previous visits to the city." Morticia said sweetly. "Have some of the green tea, it's delicious."

Gwen picked up her cup hesitantly sniffing it but not noticing anything off with it she took a drink. It tasted different from the green tea that Tosh would sometimes make but it wasn't bad. Gwen decided to take control of the conversation; that way if she was in charge the woman wouldn't be able to get the better of her.

"So what is it that you want to know about me then?" Gwen asked.

Morticia sat forward a bit a grin on her pale face, "Everything, Gwen dear, we wouldn't want to miss out on anything. Tell me about yourself."

Gwen seemed to take that as an invitation to extoll her virtues to someone. She was surprised that this woman wanted to meet with her and know her, but then again she was amazing. Morticia despite being Wednesday's mother seemed almost normal compared to the rest of the family. Gwen supposed that the woman must have the same sort of outlook on life as she did and had let her husband and mother raise her kids.

That had certainly been her plan if she had kids with Rhys, she would carry on working for Torchwood and he would look after the children and do all the housework so that when she came home he wouldn't have to do anything but pamper her. Now though she wasn't that sure of her idea, what if Rhys turned her child into someone like Wednesday.

Gwen began to speak about herself at length, telling Morticia all about her life. She spoke about her likes and dislikes, about her family and her aspirations. She never realised that she was supplying her husbands family with all they needed to know about her to ruin her.

Morticia listened to the woman talk, surprised at the way the woman thought, despite Andronenkos and Tharmus having told the family about her ways. The woman was completely self-centred and believed that everything was about her. She had been prepared to give the woman the benefit of the doubt and judge her herself, but Gwen Cooper was beyond help.

While the family had written her off already Morticia had been determined to check the woman out, for Aluka's sake. Aluka was her favourite nephew and she knew that he loved Gwen, giving up on her would be hard to do. It had been for that reason that Morticia had met with Gwen, she had wanted to assess whether or not retraining would be successful. It was unlikely though, and Morticia was growing more sure as the conversation continued. There was no way she could ever allow anyone this conceited become the mother of an Addams. Not if there was even the slightest chance that the child would be as selfinvolved as its mother, an Addams functions as a member of the family, as a unit, not as an individual.

Gwen was amazed at this woman, she was noithing like the rest of her family, she understood Gwen. She nodded in all the appropriate places and she agreed with Gwen. Why weren't the rest of Rhys' family like her. Gwen could see Morticia and her getting on quite well. All she had to do would be convince the woman to give up on wearing so much black and to shorten her name to something less weird. Tisha might work.

Gwen sighed as she poured herself another cup. "I wish I had known how good this tea was before I would have been drinking this instead of coffee. I can't believe how much energy this has given me."

Morticia just smiled, knowing rthat it was an affect of one of her alterations to the recipe. "Lurch" she called out, enjoyed the start she gave Gwen as the butler appeared from his position behind a plant. "Can you get us some more tea."

As Lurch walked away to fulfill her request Morticia turned to Gwen to address the matter of her shock. "Gomez insisted" Morticia explained. "He believes it is improper for me to drive myself, so he sent Lurch as my driver."

"He doesn't let you drive yourself, surely you can't be happy with that, he's taking away your independence." Gwen said, outraged at the idea of a man holding his wife back. Husbands were only there as a tool to look after the house and to make their wife feel good about themself. She could just imagine what she would do if Rhys tried to order her about. "You should take lessons and show him." Gwen suggested.

Morticia cackled lightly shocking Gwen slightly, "You are wicked my dear. I already know how to drive though, Gomez just doesn't appreciate my disregard of the rules of the road, I prefer to see them as vague guidelines."

The guppy look on Gwen's face seemed to last until Lurch appeared back with a full pot of tea. Gwen closed her mouth, the woman in front of her seemed to be surprising her at every turn. She couldn't help but wonder whose driving would be worse Morticias or Jack's.

Lurch placed the teapot on the table before retreating back to his place behind the plant pot. Morticia then picked up ther conversation again, "So Gwen dear, how do you enjoy working for Torchwood?"

Gwen choked, "How do you know about Torchwood? If Ianto has betrayed us again I will make sure he is retconned."

"Oh no dear, we've known about Torchwood since its inception, long before Tharmus was born." Morticia stated, ignoring the comment about wiping her nephew's memory. It wouldn't work unless he allowed it anyway.

Gwen stared at her in shock and Morticia decided to cut her some slack and explain. "Queen Victoria used the family as an intelligence network. Our family were more open to and aware of the possibilities than some of the others of the time."

Gwen seemed stop completely, "Does Rhys know?" She stuttered out.

Morticia just smirked, "Of course Aluka knows. An Addams' duty is to the family first and to Torchwood second. He has always known of the Addams Torchwood Accord, as would any children he had."

Gwen poured what was left in the teapot into her cup and drained it. When she started to choke Morticia reached across the table for the teapot. Noting the residue in the bottom of the pot she called for Lurch as she handed Gwen a small bottle and told her to drink it.

"What have I told you about straining tea?" Morticia asked.

Lurch nodded his head twice and grunted at her and she smirked a bit as she realised the problem.

"You didn't clean the teapot before you strained the tea back. Do remember next time, not everyone can stand the same amounts of aconite as we can." Morticia replied, "Now we better get Gwen back to Aluka."

Lurch seemed to consider the pale woman for a moment before picking her up unceremoniously and carrying her out to the car. Morticia looked at the sight in bemusement, it was odd, if Lurch had to carry any of them he did with the utmost care. Maybe poisoning Gwen hadn't been an accident after all, Lurch had seemed rather protective of Miss Toshiko, maybe it was payback for endangering her life.

Morticia stood before making her way to the counter, thanking the staff for the changes they had allowed her to make and paying them handsomely. As she walked to the car she thought on her assessment and what she would tell Aluka. While Gwen was not suitable as an Addams spouse she was amusing, she wouldn't mind too much if he decided to keep her as a plaything.