By RedGlitterNailPolish
Rated: Mild, if you don't mind pain and tragedy.
Summary: Draco is dead, and Hermione is left in pieces and her soul broken in two, until someone who knows the sting of death too, comes to help her.
Spoilers: N/A
It was memories like this that haunted me, ceaselessly…
Times when I would tell no one where I would be, and yet he would find me all alone in a silent corridor and I would sense him coming up behind me. I wouldn't turn around to face him, but close my eyes and smile. He would lean down and whisper in my ear that he thought I was the most beautiful creature in the world. He would tell me he loved me in a voice so low that sometimes when I look back I wonder if I could have imagined that.
I know better, though. It was all real; it was all so fast. Draco and I were17 years old and cliché enough, in love.
At that moment, I would turn around and he would kiss the top of my forehead. And he would whisper that nothing would ever keep us apart. He would spin on his heel and walk back down the corridor, black robes blowing behind him, leaving my heart racing, and my spirit glowing.
But like I stated before, it was memories like these that haunted me; that I fell asleep to; awoke to; and relived every time I got a distant look in my eye.
I never ventured a guess if we would have a future together. I assumed that we would always be together in a fairy tale sort of way. The two rivals find love; they live happily ever after. Classic. But I blocked from my mind the improbability of that life together, because if I had looked deep down I would have maybe known it would never happen. It was, in the easiest terms, my non-fiction romance was impossible.
The thought of all of that caught in my head one morning as I sat at my kitchen table, holding a cup of tea. I heard a few tiny splashes and looked to see my tears dropping into my teacup. I bit my lip and smiled my hardest to hold in a sob. I pursed my lips and closed my eyes. I threw my teacup as hard as I could manage against my glass French doors and watched the teacup shatter. More little tears rolled down my face.
I was sick at how cowardly I was. A feeling of shame took over me like a sickness. I had thought being in love was such a labor because we had to love each other in complete secrecy. I could never kiss him if we passed in the halls; we had to pretend we had only ever spoken venomous words to each other; we could never publicly share a smile or a wink or even an embrace. I had to hold myself up when others insulted him in front of me. I gave up trying to be happy when he wasn't around. Yes, I thought to myself, I was a coward of the worst kind; afraid of the consequences of my love. And now he was gone. Draco was dead, killed by the Dark Lord after running from him with me at his side for so long. I was only half a person with him gone, and I couldn't survive being only half of a whole.
I stumbled from my kitchen and up the stairs of my little lake cottage into my bed. A grand window that took up the top half of my wall let me see out over my little lake that was ash-gray in color at the moment. It began to rain, and like the sky, I also let my tears drop. Another memory of us, a long time ago began to cloud my mind…
I would be lying on my side, facing out this very same window, and he next to me. I would nearly be asleep and he would prop his head up on his hand. He would trace my bones with his index finger, like he was trying to memorize every part of me. He would run his finger along my jaw, down the back of my neck, and then my collarbone, down to my shoulder blades and then every single on of my ribs on the side I wasn't lying on. I would feel like nothing in the world could ever be wrong and then my eyes would flutter gently as I opened them. He would smile and kiss me...
More tears… over the bridge of my nose…down my cheek, and slipping down my neck onto the pillow.
When I had rarely cried like this in front of him, he'd pull my hair over to one shoulder and kiss my neck, and whisper, "If we are together, there is nothing wrong."
My voice cracked a sob out as thunder shuttered and rattled the windows throughout the cottage. I felt I would drown in my tears, so I succumbed to the sleep that took over my body.
I woke up the next morning when the sun was just coming up. The sky was ginger colored, and dotted with bruise-colored clouds in layers. My face was warm with tears from weeping in my sleep. I let my mind find a memory of happier times of being in love- secret love- but love all the same…
The first snow had fallen over the grounds of Hogwarts on late, late, late December night. I opened my eyes, a little surprised to see him sitting on the side of my bed, looking into my eyes and holding my hand. I knew I didn't need to sit up; instead I just smiled into the side of my pillow and giggled a little. Draco was always coming up with adventures and retrieving me like this in the middle of the night. I blinked at him, as if questioning what little rendezvous would take place now. He seemed to answer by holding a blanket in his arms and wrapping me in it as he picked up my tiny, doll-like body. I held him close as we snuck through the halls stealthily, but knowing no one would ever catch us. I seemed to venture a guess we would head to the Astronomy tower. Naturally, I was right, and he waved his hand to pull back the curtains of the colossal windows. He sat me in his lap and on that Christmas Eve, he held me as we watched the snow fall and cover the lake, trees, grounds, buildings, and frost the windows. Our unspoken conversation was content from looking at the snow, and feeling the roaring fire he had made in the marble fireplace. I was probably never happier than I was at that moment.
I must have fallen asleep there, because I woke up in my own bed, smiling and holding a single white rose. I heard some other girls in my dorm room giggle and I remembered then it was Christmas morning. I sat up and set to unwrapping the packages at the foot of my bed. The usual sweaters, books, chocolates, and perfumes from friends and family, until I came to one little package no bigger than my fist. A box wrapped in black velvet and tied with silver ribbon looked curious. I untied the ribbon and opened the box. A black diamond sat in the box, and the lid had a message scrawled on it- be mine? in Draco's perfect-edged handwriting.
I rolled onto my back and listened to the rain on my roof. I held my eyes shut and tried to get my emaciated and starved body, damaged by myself, to sink through the bed, through the floor, and into the earth.
I stood up uneasily and stumbled into the bathroom. I turned the hot water on and let the tub fill up and steam the mirrors. My heart seemed too heavy to hold anymore in my chest. I eased into the water, not bothering to slip out of the silk nightgown I had fallen asleep wearing last night. I breathed in the steamy hot air and let my head and whole body sink to the bottom of the white porcelain tub. I kept my eyes open and looked up through the water. My eyes were not bothered, but I felt as if I were swimming through clouds. I felt unattached to my body and my heart gave a shimmer. I suddenly saw the scenery above me change. I looked up and saw a figure that was blurred by the water.
It was Harry.
He reached his arms to the bottom of the tub and pulled me up to sitting, with his hands around my waist. As soon as I felt the piercingly cold air come rushing through my lungs, I let out a shrilly scream.
"Why won't you just let me go?" I screeched at him. I splashed and tried to fight his hands off of my waist until he stepped, fully clothed, into the tub. He sat opposite me in the tub and I closed my mouth, and we stared at each other.
"He would not have wanted you to be like this, Hermione," he said quietly, with his green eyes blazing into me.
"He never would have wanted me to have to be without him," I said in a whisper, looking into the water.
"You've got to pull it together. You are going to die if you carry on like this," he said.
"Does it look like I care?" I said, angry he would not face the obvious.
"You should. He died for you. Don't you get it? He died for you so you could LIVE," he punctuated heavily on the last word.
I had no response. I leaned forward and he held me as I crumbled into his chest, heaving sobs. The silk dress I wore floated around me in the water like a ghost and weighed on me. Harry picked me up out of the tub once I had finished crying. He stood me up and I wiped away some steam in the mirror with a towel. I looked at myself in disbelief. I didn't look anything like myself; I was bone-thin and my hair was long and very straight now; my eyes were swollen and red; and my skin was pasty. Harry must have realized I was going to fall down, so he took me downstairs and laid me on the couch. He set the kettle on and picked up the shards of the teacup I had smashed a while ago. I felt my thin, child-sized hands. I touched the ring that Draco had given me; the black diamond seemed to glow even brighter.
I guess I had become so weak that Harry had to practically force-feed me tea and soup. I sputtered and coughed; yet he was patient. After a while, my eyes blurred and my hands began to shake, my fingers and toes tingled numbly, and I began to doze off. Harry laid me back in my bed and sat himself in a wicker rocking chair by the grand window. I breathed to the squeak of the back-and-forth noise the chair made and sleep overtook me.
It was still dark when I woke up, and I crept over to where he sat, snoring in his sleep. I pulled the folding shutters off of the window and laid my hand flat against the glass. The moon was so full and yellow that I didn't see one star. I pulled up the windows and felt a surge of cold breeze, moistened with lake water graze my face. I raised my hand up from my side, as to hold on to the molding around the widow and climb out. I wanted to sit on the roof, but Harry's hand shot out and his hand caught mine in a strong, safe grip with his fingers lacing through mine. His eyes reflected the moon, and questioned what I was doing without words.
I didn't say one thing.
Instead of speaking, Harry examined me with his eyes. I had known him since he was eleven years old…ten years he had been my friend when no one else would look me in the face…ten years he had stuck by me…ten years. He examined me with his eyes while he still had my hand in his, and he was still in the wicker chair. He did this in a friendly, affectionate way, not like someone would with romantic interest. He saw my jutting bones poking out from paper-white skin with my blue veins practically glowing through. My brown eyes that looked more and more glassy to me with each passing glance of a mirror. He saw my ribs through the silk dress I still wore, and my ankles and toes that were an odd shade of whitish-blue. He saw my hair that was losing all volume. My once rosy cheeks now sunken and sullen He pulled my hand closer to his body and stood up, still not speaking. He still saw me as Hermione, the one he had always been there for. He still saw me as beautiful. He picked me up and I didn't object, and he sat back on the rocker with my head on his chest and his hand holding my knees. My breathing mimicked the pattern of the rocking chair, and again I was asleep.
By the next morning, I was still in the wicker chair, and he was gone. I saw a tray on the night table with breakfast food and a note under the juice glass:
"EAT SOMETHING! Be back later tonight. –H"I was disappointed and sad he'd be coming back. He didn't deserve to see me in the state I was in, and truthfully, I wanted to be alone. I didn't want him to take care of me, I was responsible for my own self and body. I looked to see through the window it was raining again. I let another flashing memory breeze my mind…
The crisp fall day in Hogsmeade was something I needed. The sky was a tickling shade of blue and everywhere the leaves were red, gold, orange, and brown and falling from the trees. I smelled the pumpkins and pies and let the leaves crunch under my feet. I let the rest of the posse of my friends go along. I told them I wanted to just take a walk. I wandered along behind the trees that lined the side of the road. I came across a little trail no wider than a foot I had never seen before. I walked until I saw a tiny pond in the middle of a ring of trees. I gasped when I saw him sitting on a rock at the edge of the pond.
"I knew you would come," Draco said to me, turning around and walking toward me.
I was a little dumbstruck over how our paths could have crossed like this. I stood and waited for him to go on. We stood with our faces inches from each other, even if he was a whole foot taller than I was. He took my face in his hands so tenderly and kissed me, underneath the sweet October sky. His gray eyes seemed to pour into my soul and I knew from then on, there would never be another.
"Can we escape this? Can't we just get out of here? I can't keep going on like this, in secret. It's not fair, I can't stand it!" he exhaled.
"Just hold on, I promise it will get better. We'll get out of here, and then we won't ever have to deal with secrets again," I wept, because I knew this wasn't true. Friends, enemies, people we didn't know would always try to rip our love apart.
I heard the front door to my cottage click shut and someone ascend the stairs. Harry opened the door and nodded with a grin at me. I had found another long, silk dress to put on. I sat at the edge of my bed until I configured the right words to speak.
I tried to smile. It actually hurt my face so I gave up instantly. I was letting myself die, and somehow Harry knew that. I guess I wasn't so good at keeping that a secret. I really wanted him to leave. I wanted to fade away into my memories, where I could live with Draco forever. I stood up and promptly fell into a heap. Harry immediately tried to pick me up. I just pushed his hands away.
"Please," I wailed, "don't- don't. Just leave me alone; I just want to fade into him. Just go," I managed to get out, "You know pain. So do I. We both bleed and cry the same ways. What I don't understand is why everyone can see my scars and no one can see yours," I glared in agony, "If you just let me go, I am saved. Come on, for God's sake, why can't you just save me? You save everyone in the world, why won't you save me just this once?"
"We save ourselves, or remain unsaved," Harry said wisely, "so you either choose for yourself to live or die. It is really that simple."
I looked up and him and leaned my face so our noses could have touched. I closed my eyes and begged silently for someone to love me again.
So, give me a review! Tell me what you liked, what wasn't good, what you thought didn't make sense, what you want to happen, and what you didn't like. I'd love to hear what you've got to say. If I get enough response, I'll finish with the rest of the story that is stored in my head! Do Harry and Hermione hook up? Does Harry leave? Would Draco magically come back and find Harry and Hermione snuggly? Maybe, maybe not. We'll have to see…
RGNP
Author's note: "We save ourselves or remain unsaved," is purely Alice Sebold's line from her book, Lucky. She wrote it entirely.
The characters are J.K. Rowling's; NOT mine!