The black limousine wound its way through the towering trees, bouncing slightly on the way down the dirt road. My car followed, first in the extensive funeral procession. Massaging my temple, I tried not to think about the previous night. It had been her decision, but I felt so responsible. Sitting there, holding her hand, I couldn't help but hate myself. "Tommy." She had said. "Tommy, I love you." She had muttered.
So many things raced through my mind. So many things I had always wanted to say to her, yet I had never gotten around to. We would never get married. We would never have children. We would never have a life together.
With all of those things, I only managed to speak of myself, of how this would affect me. "Don't leave me." The tears began to fall now, and I realized how horrible I was being. She grinned weakly, however. "I'll never leave you Tommy."
All I could do was nod, and try to believe that. "I love you girl."
I was beginning to cry again, engulfed in my own silent world. Turning on the radio, I searched for something to console me, which I found in an old Cure song. It had always been one of her favorites.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
I was never perfect. In fact, I thanked God everyday that she put up with me. She was the love of my life.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
Young again. I used to see youth in her face, vibrancy, energy, passion. When the cancer took its effect, those things slowly began to fade away.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
She was my one, my only. I questioned everyday whether I had ever loved before I met her, whether I had lived before I met her.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
She made me regret my past, all that I had ever done wrong. I wasn't good enough to have a woman of such purity, such beauty.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
She never told me why she wanted it to end, why she wanted to leave. Maybe life didn't appeal to her anymore; maybe she didn't see herself getting any better. She was always a person who strived for excitement, for adventure. After being on bed rest for three months, I knew deep inside that she wasn't happy. Maybe, death was her new adventure, a life free of suffering. Meeting God was her new adventure.
I tried to console myself by saying she was in a better place, without her pain. But what about my pain? Emptiness flooded through every pore in my body. I wasn't whole somehow, not without her physically with me. I tried my hardest to pretend that nothing would change, that I wasn't living life without her. But, sadly, I was. I was on a lonely Earth without my Jude, until I would one day go to be with her, in Heaven.
The limousine stopped, and my heart skipped a beat. I could still feel her presence, as if she was standing next to me. Her body may not be, but maybe in spirit. Just maybe.