Rendered

Season: 3 (Tag for Past and Present)

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Rating: R

Spoilers: Forever in a Day, Children of the Gods, Past and Present

Warnings: Non-graphic slash

Sometimes the only thing you can do is nothing at all.

Daniel was angry. Boiling over, fists clenched, teeth grinding angry. Jack could feel it from across the room. He could tell by the look of him that what he really wanted to do was punch someone until his knuckles bled, but Daniel wasn't that type of man. He would never let himself lose control that way, at least not on someone that didn't deserve it. Unfortunately, none of the individuals on Daniel's short list of people that did deserve it were handy at the moment. Lucky for them.

What he really needed was a good session on the heavy bag down in the gym, but for the moment he was simply seething with anger that was inching toward rage. He was yanking books off the shelves in his office, banging them down on the table. Then he moved to his desk and began punching keys on the computer; stabbing at them unmercifully. Heaven help the PC if it picked that moment to freeze up on him because Jack knew it probably wouldn't survive the afternoon. A moment later Daniel stood up again and roughly shoved his chair away before turning back to the shelves and snatching another book from the collection, banging it down on the table with its brethren.

Standing in the door of Daniel's office Jack watched the scene with riveted attention, hands stuffed in his pockets. It was no secret that he was bad at touchy feely and he had a bad track record of barreling into conversations like a bull in a china shop. He would have preferred to let Daniel simply burn out his anger in whatever way he saw fit, but after the explosion the day before he was honestly afraid what Daniel would do. Some of the fire had gone out of him when Linea…Kira…whatever she was calling herself, had left, but not all of it. Not by a long shot.

Kira's appearance on the scene had stirred up a whole lot of garbage in Daniel. Jack could only imagine what was whirling around inside him because Daniel had clammed up. He hadn't spoken two words to Jack in days. No doubt he was frustrated. Probably a bit confused. Most likely feeling guilty, though Jack had no idea why that would be. Still, Daniel felt guilty about a lot of things that had gone wrong lately and it was always a safe bet that emotion was tangled somewhere in the mix.

"So…" Jack began, attempting to kick off a conversation that felt out of control before he'd even started it.

"Don't." Daniel warned.

"What?"

"Just…don't."

"Look, Daniel…"

"I don't want to talk about it, Jack." Daniel declared, blue eyes blazing as he turned his angry glare from the computer to Jack.

"I think maybe you do." Jack shrugged, hands still in his pockets.

Daniel glared back at him, giving him a glimpse of a level of livid Jack rarely saw in him and he resisted the urge to take a step back. This was the second time in two days that he'd seen Daniel so rabid he was willing to hit below the belt. So far he hadn't said much, but it was the same expression he'd been wearing when he'd gone storming around the briefing room the day before, lashing out at nearly everyone within reach.

Jack had no idea what to make of the new behavior that had left him and everyone else a little bewildered. When Daniel was hurting he generally pulled away from people while he tended to his wounds. Maybe he was hurting enough to be driving them off rather than hoping they left him alone. Maybe he had just reached his capacity for universal bullshit and what they were seeing was Daniel at the end of his rope. All Jack really knew at that moment was that there was a reason he was the one standing in Daniel's office trying to talk him down, aside from the fact that it had always been that way. Quite simply he was the only one brave enough to take on the challenge of a nearly out of control Dr. Jackson. Well, except for Teal'c, but Teal'c wasn't the right person for the job. Not right now.

Jack was hoping that he and Daniel's newly reinvented relationship would give him at least a small degree of leeway, but he wasn't willing to bank on it. Lovers or not, Daniel was clearly pissed and having taken a verbal swing at Jack in the briefing right along with everyone else he had made it clear no one was off limits.

"You were right, ok?" Daniel snapped. "Is that what you want to hear? You were right. Kira was Linea and I was an idiot."

Jack stepped a little further into the room and closed the door. If they were going to have this screaming match here then they were going to need at least a modicum of privacy.

"Don't bother closing the door unless you're on the other side." Daniel added.

"Are you finished?" Jack asked calmly, the first stirrings of annoyance rolling through him.

"I don't know. Are you leaving?" Daniel retorted.

"Not until you get whatever it is off your chest."

"Fine. It's off my chest."

"You haven't even scratched the surface yet." Jack huffed.

"Look, I don't need a shrink. I don't need a pat on the back. I don't need a shoulder to cry on, and I don't need…" Daniel clamped down on the end of the sentence, though Jack had a pretty good idea what was dangling off the end of his tongue. Jack stared back at him, eyebrows raised.

"You don't need…?" He baited.

"Nothing, alright? Forget it."

Daniel went back to fiddling with his computer, making a very half hearted attempt at looking like he was busy.

"What?" Jack asked.

Daniel just shook his head, blatantly refusing to look him in the eye. Jack studied him for a long moment, confusion overtaking his annoyance. Angry Daniel had absolutely no problem whatsoever looking you in the face. He'd already proved that. Hurting Daniel couldn't do it to save his life. At that moment Jack wasn't exactly sure which one of the two he was looking at. All he knew was he needed to keep Daniel talking if they were ever going to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was bugging him enough to have him not just pulling away, but actively driving everyone out of reach. He'd been stiff and formal with everyone for days. Well, except for the verbal lashing that had gone on during the now infamous briefing when Daniel had completely lost the ability to hold his tongue.

"This doesn't get better if you don't get it out. Whatever it is." Jack prodded.

"Like this gets better." Daniel snorted quietly.

"What?"

"I don't know how to do this, Jack." Daniel finally admitted.

"Do what?"

"This. Any of this." He waved his arms around the room, a hint of desperation creeping into his tone. His gaze drifted across Jack's face and he dropped his arms, shoulders sagging. "You don't have any idea what I'm talking about." He sighed.

"No, not really."

Daniel shook his head, knuckles pressed into his desk.

"Explain it to me." Jack added.

"I wouldn't know where to start."

"Why don't we start with Kira."

"She has nothing to do with this." Daniel insisted, a warning in his tone.

"She must have something to do with this because I don't recall you screaming your way through briefings before she showed up."

"No, she doesn't." Daniel demanded. "She just got caught in the middle."

"In the middle of what?" Jack asked, struggling to keep the annoyance out of his tone and wondering how far it would get him if he just grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and shook him a few times.

"This!" Daniel shouted. "This mess that used to be my life."

Ok, now they were getting somewhere. Jack didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stood rooted to the spot, afraid anything he did would derail the first logical train of thought he'd heard since the very loud, but largely unsuccessful conversation had started.

"I thought if I just kept going, just kept moving, things would eventually get back to the way they were." Daniel said, head hung between his shoulders. "I didn't see it."

"See what?"

"That I was getting further away. That if I lost her….when I lost her…I'd be left with…this."

"This?"

"This job. This place. This…never ending crap! I mean, how much am I supposed to take, Jack? How much of this nightmare am I supposed to take?"

"I think you're the only one that can answer that." Jack said quietly.

"No. I can't."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't answer it. Shau'ri's dead. She's dead. I should be able to leave, but I can't. I've tried to quit…believe me…but I just can't do it."

"Why not?" Jack asked, inching closer to the desk.

"It feels too much like betraying her…her memory. I've already failed her, but quitting feels like a betrayal." Daniel snorted with a brittle laugh. "I don't expect you to understand."

Jack inched closer and reached out a hand, resting it on Daniel's shoulder. In a flash Daniel was out of reach and backing into the corner.

"Don't." He warned.

"Daniel."

"I mean it, Jack."

"What do you want me to do?" Jack asked in exasperation. "I don't know how to get through to you."

"I want you to leave." Daniel said flatly.

Jack stared back at him, contemplating the look on his face, a jumbled mess of anger and fear smeared over a layer of pain so thick it made Jack ache just to look at him. Confronted with that face Jack wasn't going anywhere. He was not about to leave Daniel alone to deal with this no matter how much he said he wanted it.

"Let's try this again." Jack said gently from where he stood. "What do you need me to do? Don't think about it, just say it."

"Nothing." Daniel whispered around the lump in his throat.

"Don't think about it. Just say it." Jack repeated.

"You can't fix this, Jack."

"I never said I could."

"Then what do you want from me?" Daniel demanded, the pleading in his eyes countering the hostility in his voice.

"I want you to stop pretending you want to do this alone." Jack shot back. "I want you to stop pushing me away. I want you to stop storming around acting like a jackass! You're pissing everybody off and you're scaring Carter."

Daniel stared back at him, tears gathering in his eyes.

"And frankly, you're scaring me, too." Jack admitted quietly. "I don't know what to do. And I don't think I…really…want…to lose you."

He grimaced at his own words. They sounded clumsy and desperate. Ok so he was feeling a little desperate at the moment and this whole thing was too new for him to be even remotely comfortable with the change from friends to something a whole lot more than that. There were moments when it scared him half out of his mind, but the idea of losing Daniel scared him more, though his clumsy, awkward statement was as close as he was willing to come to admitting it out loud.

He could still remember the exact moment when he had realized his affection for Daniel went way beyond just friends. Admiration had turned to adoration at some point during the last few years, sneaking up on him and completely blindsiding him. In fact, it had hit him like a slap in the face right along with the startling realization that he would never be worthy of Daniel. The reality of it all had nearly sent him literally staggering backwards.

The completely unexpected moment of enlightenment had struck when Jack was standing over Apophis' deathbed, of all places. He had watched in dumbfounded fascination has Daniel administered the equivalent of Ancient Egyptian last rights to the dying host of a goa'uld they both hated with a passion. One minute Daniel had been seething, nearly to the point of being willing to wrap his hands around the slimeball's neck and literally choke the life out of him. (That in itself had been an eye opening experience for Jack because he had truly never seen Daniel so angry. Murderously angry.) Then the snake had expired leaving a very confused and frightened host behind.

In an instant Daniel had pushed aside his anger, his concern for his wife, his desperation at the thought that the only one who knew where to find her was going to die without telling them. All that had been left in its place was wonder and concern for a man Daniel had never met until that moment. The host, who just happened to have the same face as the man he hated, needed comfort and compassion and Daniel had given both without a moment's hesitation. While Jack would have loved to say he would have done the same thing he knew it wasn't the truth. He would have walked away without giving it a second thought, completely caught up in a torrent of anger over the snake that had just died.

There were moments when Jack felt that he could never live up to what he thought Daniel deserved, not even if he spent his whole life trying. It was a very intimidating concept. There were also moments when he knew without a doubt that he was exactly what Daniel needed. This was one of those moments. Daniel needed to vent. He needed to yell. He needed to say whatever was in his head no matter how bad it sounded. For some reason he also seemed to feel the need to beat the crap out of himself over garbage that wasn't his fault. He wasn't to blame for Shau'ri. He certainly wasn't to blame for Linea. Whatever else he was currently feeling guilty about probably wasn't his fault either.

Jack had been raised Catholic. He knew about guilt, but Daniel put every Catholic he knew to shame.

Daniel stared back at him, clearly caught off guard by Jack's comment. It hadn't been anything as blatant as "I love you", but Daniel knew him better than almost anyone else. Over the years he had learned to read between the lines of Jack's often ineloquent statements. To the untrained ear the halting admission didn't sound like much, but Daniel didn't fit into that category. In reality it meant a lot, at least to Jack, and Daniel knew it.

"I'm sorry." Daniel said, his face screwed into a pained grimace.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Daniel. I want you to tell me what's going on."

"I kissed her, Jack." He admitted quietly.

"And?"

Daniel looked up at him in confusion. "And…nothing."

"You're mad enough to be running around screaming at people because you kissed Linea?" Jack gaped, suppressing a shudder at the mental image.

"Kira."

"Whatever."

"Not 'whatever'. They're not the same person." Daniel insisted.

"Ok, fine. You kissed Kira. What am I missing?"

Daniel sighed and shoved fingers under his glasses to briefly rub at his eyes.

"What?" Jack asked taking a tentative step toward him.

"I just…I feel like…I'm losing control."

"Why?"

"Shau'ri is barely in the ground, Jack. I'm mourning her by trying very hard to fall for a woman that murders people as a hobby?" He gasped. "And then there's us. I'm in love with you so what the hell am I doing? I just…I need it to stop long enough for me to figure out what the hell I'm doing."

Jack's mouth dropped open at the statement that suddenly ground his train of thought to a halt. Daniel had never said that to him before. The bald faced declaration was more than a little bit of a shock, especially when it was plopped down right in the middle of one of the most confusing conversations he'd ever had.

"So stop it." Jack said, struggling to get his mind back on track.

"It's not that easy." He insisted.

"Why not?"

"I'm…I don't know…I…"

Jack stood marveling at the concept that Daniel had just been reduced to stuttering incoherence. Daniel always had a word for everything. He could talk his way out of (and sometimes right back into) trouble faster than anyone Jack had ever met yet here he was at a complete loss for words. It was one more behavior in a growing list of things Jack had never seen him do before and he was finding it more than a little disturbing. Even after the attack on Abydos that had seen his wife and brother-in-law taken prisoner, and several friends killed, Daniel had still been able to find the words to express it. The fact that he couldn't now was, well, a bit unnerving.

"Ok, so you need 'it' to stop." Jack repeated gently. "What is 'it'?"

"Everything. I need it all to stop."

"As in us?"

"You don't understand." Daniel shook his head.

Jack shoved his growing frustration aside. Yes, they had looped right back around to the beginning of the conversation, but at least Daniel was no longer angry enough to chuck his PC across the room. They were getting somewhere. It was painfully slow going, but they were getting somewhere.

"Explain it to me." Jack said quietly, taking another step toward him.

"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know why I'm here. I'm just…"

"Going through the motions?" Jack volunteered.

Daniel nodded.

"A bit off balance?"

Another nod.

"Maybe a little lost?"

"More than a little." Daniel sniffled.

Jack heaved a quiet sigh of relief when he realized things were finally starting to make a little sense. Not a lot, but he'd take what he could get.

"Ok, so I'm going to ask you this again. Don't think about it. Just say it. What do you need me to do?"

Daniel shook his head.

"I know it's in there." Jack coaxed. "Just say it."

"I don't know." Daniel repeated.

"Yes you do." Jack replied. "You're lousy at telling people what you need just like I'm lousy at telling people what I feel. I know what it looks like. You need something, Daniel. It's written all over you. I just don't know what it is."

Jack waited, no more than a step away from Daniel, resisting the urge to grab him and hug him. He looked like he needed at least that, but Jack wasn't willing to set the whole thing back to square one by guessing wrong and pissing him off yet again.

"You don't need a shrink. You don't need a pat on the back." Jack quoted. "What do you need?"

"I don't know." Daniel insisted, his head coming up, desperation and confusion in his eyes. "I don't know what I need."

"Ok. Fair enough." Jack nodded, finally willing to accept that maybe he really didn't know. "Do you mind if I make a suggestion?"

Daniel hesitated before giving a combined nod and shrug.

"Come here." Jack said gently, reaching out with one hand and pulling Daniel toward him by the shoulder.

"Cameras." Daniel warned, knowing how important it was that they keep their relationship under wraps.

"I don't care." Jack replied. "You need this whether you know it or not."

Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel, holding him tightly to his chest, waiting several long moments before he felt Daniel's arms slide around him. He didn't say anything mostly because he had no idea what to say. To be honest he still didn't understand what was going on in Daniel's head, but he knew abject misery when he saw it. No, holding him wouldn't solve the problem, but at least it wouldn't make it worse…he hoped.

"This is what I'm here for, Danny." He finally said. "No matter how bad it gets. I'm here."

He felt Daniel nod, his chin rested on Jack's shoulder.

"I want to help. I just need you to tell me how."

"I would if I knew." Daniel whispered.

"I know." Jack briefly stroked his hair. "That's a start."

"I'm sorry." Daniel repeated.

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"For being a jackass."

"Ok, maybe there's a little to be sorry for." Jack admitted, relieved when he felt a brief snort of humor rumble through Daniel.

Finally releasing him, Jack rested his hands on Daniel's shoulders. He wanted to do more. He wanted to wipe away his tears. Confess is undying love. Kiss him until the pain disappeared, but he didn't have the words and, like Daniel had said…cameras.

"What do you say we get out of here?" Jack offered. "I don't know about you, but I think I've seen enough of this place for one day."

Daniel nodded agreement and let Jack walk him out of the room, a hand gently gripping his shoulder.