A/N: Please blame my friend Dasha for obvious high school creepiness. Also, blame the internet. Don't blame me, though, because I am an immature middle schooler, and I am also NOT J.K. Rowling.
Quick, easy way to get darn copyright infringements out of the way! :D
*WE WROTE THIS HYPED UP ON SUGAR. You have no right to sue for inevitable brain damage.
Anyway, I present to you...drumroll, please….
The Harry Potter Pimp Cane Crackfic of Mediocre Insanity
On that fateful day, Snaky decided to be rebellious and wear his master's bright pink sparkly tutu. That's when Snakey's true sexuality came through. Lucius was *very* disappointed. Snakey wasn't nearly as homosexual as Lucius had chosen to be. Narcissa walked into the raging inferno of metal, blonde hair and slightly offsetting music lyrics, and proceeded to quickly shut the door, but not before screeching "Accio Mindbleach!" ..Unfortunately, the Malfoy family had run out of mind bleach a few days before when Draco just *had* to come home early for Christmas break without announcing anything. The peanut butter was rather tricky to explain. In a rage of fury, Narcissa banged open the door and announced "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU CHEATING BASTARDS!"
"Wait…" said Lucius. "Cheating bastards? I'm the cheating bastard. There's only one."
Narcissa smirked evilly. Lucius decided to conveniently not think about what the smirk might entail.
Snakey tried to reason, but Narcissa be getting all up in Snakey's face like "aw, hell naw I ain't lettin' you bitches live in MAH damn house! Laqueesha, grab the scawny one!"
"Gurl, do yo own junk! I'm out! LAQUEESHA OUT!" Sadly, Laqueesha was still a little hung over from the big Christmas party (she was sure she had witnessed David Tennant singing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song over by the shrubberies at around four in the morning, she still had the scar from the weird screwdriver-like laser contraption to prove it. Then things got really weird with these strange robot things repeating "exterminate" over and over, so then-..you know what? Fuck this. The author is too lazy to make a hilarious reference and has decided to invest her time in counting her floor tiles. Go the hell.), so Laqueesha slammed blindly into a wall, getting blood all over the expensive Egyptian rug.
"MAH CARPET!" yelled the three cheating bastard lovers all at once.
"BOY, YOU DON'T LIVE HERE. IT AIN'T *YOS*!" screeched Laqueesha at Lucius.
"Well, at least *my* hair looks like a silky meadow falling lustrously among a field of grazing unicorn hobbits!" exclaimed Lucius proudly. "Not like that filthy mass of…unknown substances lurking above YOUR nonexistent brain!"
Then, Lucius used Snakey to stab Laqueesha in the eyesocket. Oh, her eyeball was in the way? SUCKS TO BE HER.
Snakey decided to triumphantly walk out, reciting "I'm On A Boat" the whole way out the corridor.
"Believe me when I say…I fucked a mermaid!"
The brilliantly stunning author cowers against the wall, afraid of her own creation. Snakey comes running across the room, trying to find the author like the little Hufflepuff it is, in order to destroy her childhood memories of Pokemon. The extremely attractive author *WITH GREAT HAIR* does a majestic Mary-Sue worthy grand-jete across the room and snaps Snakey in half using nothing but an old blood stained blowdrier.
Lucius sobs noisily.
"Snakey! My lover! My sexy, open minded lover! Why? Why! Why did this happen to you! You were supposed to do that thing you did on our anniversary last month!"
Narcissa twitches violently, then blurts out "You mean..all this time? I thought the love between you two had been recent and newfound…ALL THAT TIME, ANOTHER WOMAN! ..er..thing…male..female..cross..breed…doohickey..ANYWAY. WHAT ABOUT OUR ANNIVERSARY! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE LOOFAHS? WHAT ABOUT THAT THING WITH COUSIN IT! NOTHING?'
Lucius ignored his devastated lover completely.
"The gleaming sweat, your sleek shiny finishing left me behind wanting more and my desire NEVER dried up!" Lucius cried.
Narcissa cowers in a corner, utterly dumbfounded while the totally awesome extremely pretty author gets her a cup of calming tea.
Lucius completely re-evaluated his taste in woman, and decided to have a quicky with Narcissa.
Suddenly, a giant explosion renders everything that has happened up to this point completely useless in the event that one might need to survive an explosion, for the fabulously glamorous author's still pretty, but a little less awesome friend is lying dead upon the floor. Snakey drags her away to The Chamber. A bunch of little men in red suits run in, shouting in horrified voices "OH MY GOD. THE CASE OF CRACK FANFIC-ITIS IS FAR TOO GREAT! CALL IN THE RE-INFORCEMENTS!" The cruelly beautiful author with RED FLAMING EYES OF STUNNING DOOM jumps into a random TARDIS which was concealed among Lucius's collection of dust bunnies and shouts "ALLONS-Y ALLONS-O!" because she is incapable of writing fanfictions which do not include crossovers or Time Lords. But this is a crackfic so we're fine.
Anyway, Zeeky H. Bomb detonates and everyone dies.
Supermegafoxyawesomehot author takes a minute to lean out of the TARDIS and taunt her readers with anti-climax. Why the fuck not.