Raining and Falling

by Panthers Midnight Lair

Daniel's memory is beginning to return. What does it mean for their relationship?

Raining and Falling
Season: 7
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Category: Ship
Rating: R
Spoilers: Meridian, Fallen
Warnings: Adult themes, non-graphic slash

Disclaimer: The Stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM et al. I don't own them. I just like to play with them.

Daniel's memory is beginning to return. What does it mean for their relationship?

Jack sat in the den watching the rain through the windows. Actually, what he was watching was the shimmering of the wet wood on the back deck as it reflected the light from inside the house. It was too dark to really see much else.

He had no idea what time it was and to be perfectly honest, didn't really care. He was on his third beer. Maybe it was his fourth. He'd lost count. He was trying to lull himself to sleep with a nice beer buzz, but so far it wasn't working. He'd tried television for a while, but had quickly grown bored with it and bored and restless were a bad combination so he'd turned it off. He'd been staring out into the darkness ever since, listening to the rain falling.

His restlessness was inspired almost entirely by the swarm of thoughts shifting randomly back and forth in his head like a cloud of gnats. It made him want to get up and pace, but he'd already tried that. Movement only made the cloud churn faster. So he'd forced himself into a chair.

His jaw set, he took another swig of beer and glared out into the darkness.

Jack knew there was only one cure for the swarm of gnats, but the mere thought of that conversation was much more intimidating than the swarm so he was pointedly ignoring the option. Besides, in the end it wouldn't make things any better. It was entirely possible it would only make them worse and they were bad enough already.

For a year he had been kicking himself at every available opportunity for the mess he had made of things with Daniel. Their relationship had been on the rocks even before the fateful mission to Kelowna. Jack hadn't been ready to give up on it completely, but there was no doubt that their yin and yang had mutated into an all out tug of war. It had been rapidly reaching the point where they would have had to either begin their own little peace summit and put things back together while they still could, or put down the rope and walk away before they destroyed their friendship completely. Kelowna had settled the argument for them.

Jack remembered very clearly wanting to haul Daniel off base by the scruff of his neck and scream at him until he couldn't scream any more for pulling such a stupid stunt. Not to mention demanding to know what on earth had been going on in his head that doing a cannonball into a room full of radiation had seemed like a viable solution to the problem. But Frasier's pronouncement about his condition had instantly dried up the tirade. There was no need to lay into him because he was going to be suffering enough already. Jack had still wanted answers, but by that time Daniel had seen little point in explaining much of anything so even Jack's attempt at a perfectly reasonable discussion had been a dead end. As far as Daniel had been concerned what was done was done so what else was there to say? Explaining himself wouldn't change the outcome.

In the end Daniel had gone, but instead of floating away with him the questions and the frustration that went with them had merely turned to recriminations Jack could haul out and beat himself over the head with in his darker moments. What had been going on in Daniel's mind that had made radiation poisoning seem like a better alternative than grabbing his radio and calling for help? What had driven him to such heights of desperation that his minimal sense of self-preservation had completely dried up? Was it possible that deep down he had been hoping to end his growing frustration with the SGC by recklessly sacrificing himself on the first mission to present the opportunity; suicide cleverly disguised as heroism? If things were that bad why hadn't he said something before Kelowna? And while Jack was asking questions, why the hell had they wasted the last few months they would ever have together bickering over stupid crap?

Maybe it was better that Daniel had found a way to move on without having to go through the blistering argument that finally tore them apart, since bickering over stupid crap had become their favorite hobby by that time. That tiny gem had offered very little comfort in the face of the crushing realization that Jack had just lost the only person in the universe that had been able to mend his heart. Deep down with the stash of other things he would never admit out loud was the notion that he truly needed Daniel; more than he'd ever needed anyone. He had no idea what had possessed him to work so determinedly to screw it up, but there it was. One day he'd been toying with the tatters of their relationship as if he had the rest of his life to make up his mind about whether or not to just throw it away. Taking the whole thing for granted. The next he had been empty handed.

In the smothering darkness that had descended after Daniel's death Jack had gone on with his life like he always did, but it hadn't felt like much of a life. It had felt like a tired routine he didn't have the energy to pull himself out of. Then in the blink of an eye the scenery had changed. A definitely brooding and very mistrustful version of Daniel had appeared on the landscape and for a brief instant Jack felt his heart beating again, making a sound he hadn't heard since Daniel had died.

The swarm of gnats had begun circling in Jack's brain the very same day. Daniel was back. What did that mean? Could they start over? Would it turn out any differently if they did? That was assuming Daniel ever remembered there was a "they". Jack could tell him, but he honestly didn't know if it was a good idea. Maybe it was best to let Daniel find his own way through his new life. Maybe it would be better if they just went back to being friends and forgot the love affair had ever happened. It would certainly be simpler. Of course that concept was no longer as cut and dried as it had been those first few days.

Daniel was getting bits and pieces of his memory back, something that filled Jack with equal measures of hope and apprehension. He had been trying to brace himself for whatever conversation the returned memories inspired, but had absolutely no idea what it would look like when it happened. How much would Daniel remember? Enough to flesh out the very ugly ending they had been headed for? Enough to know that once upon a time they had been happy together, but those days were behind them? Enough to understand that as friends they were perfectly matched, but as lovers they had the ability to tear each other to pieces if they weren't careful? Would he want to dive right back in? What the hell was Jack going to say to him if he did?

Daniel was still Daniel…sort of. Jack was still Jack…sort of. It could very well lead to the same mess they'd had before because it was impossible to tell whether "sort of" was enough of a change to make the ending any different. For all he knew "sort of" was enough to guarantee that they fell apart that much faster.

Jack had questions to spare, but he didn't have any answers and the anticipation of what was to come was driving him batty. Hence the 1,000-yard stare out into the darkness and the third empty beer bottle.

Or was it the fourth?

XxXxXxXx

Daniel woke in a sweat, the sheets tangled around his legs. With an annoyed groan he tugged them off and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. Hoping to banish the scenes still dancing around in his head, he turned on the light, blinking at the sudden illumination. He'd been dreaming of Jack again. It wasn't the first time. In fact, it had been happening with annoying regularity for the past two weeks.

The first one had left him feeling unnerved and unsettled for days. He hadn't been able to figure out if he was remembering or just dreaming. It hadn't made a lot of sense even then that he was simply dreaming. Why Jack? Why not Sam? His connection to her had returned almost instantly. One look at her face and he had known there was something between them even if he hadn't known exactly what. At the same time it had seemed unlikely that he was remembering something real because Jack had never given any indication that Daniel had been anything other than a friend. In fact, he had been doing his level best to keep Daniel at arms' length since his return from Vis Uban.

The question of exactly what was going on in his head had finally been answered several days later when Daniel realized that he was waking up from one scene only to remember another; proof positive that they weren't just dreams. He was remembering something; a real something. At that point the question had become: why was Jack hiding it? Ok, yes, he was military and hiding it was mandatory, but there had been plenty of opportunities for Jack to say something in private. To drop a clue here and there. He hadn't. So why hadn't he? It was the same question Daniel had been asking himself for the past two weeks.

His only answer was that maybe Jack didn't want to start the relationship up again. Maybe he had moved on while Daniel had been gone…dead…whatever, and was hoping Daniel would just never remember so he didn't have to explain that they were over. He supposed it was also possible that he was wrong about what he was remembering, though the scenes in his head were hard to misinterpret. It had certainly occurred to him that what he was remembering might be ancient history. Maybe they had meant something to each other once, but it was over and Jack simply didn't want him any more. For all he knew, Jack had stopped wanting him long before Kelowna he just wasn't remembering that part. If that was the case it might be better to leave well enough alone.

Daniel got to his feet and began pacing. He knew there was only one way to put the issue to rest. If he wanted to know then he was going to have to come right out and ask. He'd been hoping for the "right time" to present itself, but so far that hadn't happened. With the topic growing more annoying with each passing dream he realized he was either going to have to stop waiting for a convenient opportunity and just ask or give up on the question altogether and try to put it out of his mind. He was dreading the thought of diving head first into a conversation that would prove awkward and embarrassing to at least one of them, but he was rapidly reaching the point where he was willing to push the fear of embarrassment aside in favor of answers.

Daniel paced and sighed and scowled. He even wandered to the locker room and took a cold shower. Then he wandered back to his room and pulled on a pair of jeans. One way or another he wanted to know. If it was over then it was over and he would drop the whole subject. If it wasn't…well, then it wasn't. In that case he had no idea what he was going to do. He supposed he would figure it out when the time came.

XxXxXxXx

Jack glared in the direction of the front door and finally checked his watch. 01:15 and someone had the nerve to come knocking on his door. Ok, obviously it was important, but if it was SGC related wouldn't somebody have called him? He was crankier than he had reason to be and made a half-hearted attempt to rein it in as he marched to the front door and jerked it open.

A half-soggy Daniel was honestly the last thing he had expected to see standing on his front stoop in the middle of the night and suddenly his heart was doing that beating thing again. A thump here. A skip and a thump there. For a second he had no idea what to say.

"Did I wake you?" Daniel asked, shivering slightly in his wet t-shirt, damp hair, and no jacket.

"No. I was up." Jack replied, snapping out of it. "Come in."

"Thank you." Daniel said, stepping into the entry way. "Sorry, I didn't realize how late it was."

"How did you get here?"

"Took a cab."

"The base has drivers, you know."

"I know. It just feels…I don't know. I don't like having people drive me around. They're soldiers not chauffeurs."

"You never did." Jack smiled.

"Then I guess that hasn't changed."

"You want a beer?" Jack offered.

"Actually I think I'd rather have a towel if you don't mind."

"Right. Sorry." Jack made a hasty retreat to the bathroom, snagged a towel from the cabinet and headed back to the entryway, annoyed with the school boy crush sensation that had taken up residence in his stomach. He suddenly felt out of his element…in his own house. Jack resisted the urge to pull his Colonel persona out and slap it in place. It probably wasn't going to help with whatever had just landed on his doorstep.

He watched in silence as Daniel took off his glasses and ruffled his hair dry, making every effort to keep his libido in neutral. Physical attraction had never been their problem. Still, getting all worked up was definitely not going to help. He had a feeling he was staring into the gaping jaws of the very conversation he'd been dreading and it would be impossible to pretend he was perfectly happy having Daniel as nothing more than a trusted friend if he had a conspicuous bulge in his pants when he said it. The contradiction would only add to the confusion and hoping Daniel wouldn't notice something like that was ludicrous.

"So…uh, what brings you out in the middle of the night…in the rain?" Jack asked, not at all certain that he wanted to hear the answer, but at the same time he was fed up with the suspense.

He wanted to just get it over with already. Even if it meant the option of having Daniel back in his life as anything more than a friend was lit on fire and burned to ash in the process. At least it would be over.

"I wanted to, uh, ask you something." Daniel admitted.

"Ok. So ask."

Jack pulled his attitude up short, immediately regretting the defensive tone in his voice. He wasn't going to do it this way. He'd spent enough time making Daniel the enemy and look where it had gotten him.

"Come on." Jack motioned Daniel to the den. "Have a seat. You sure you don't want a beer?" He added heading toward the refrigerator to grab his fourth of the night.

Or was it his fifth?

"Sure. I'd, uh, I'd love one."

Jack realized as he closed the refrigerator and headed back to the den with a beer in each hand that he had the upper hand in this conversation. Daniel might not remember much about his life before Oma, but Jack did. Every single detail, in fact. For example, the number of "uh's" in Daniel's speech was directly related to his level of discomfort with the topic. Obviously something had driven him from the base in the middle of the night. However, now that he was there standing in the room with Jack his confidence was wavering. Jack wasn't sure whether that was a good sign or a bad sign, but at least he wasn't the only one dreading the conversation.

"Thanks." Daniel said, taking the beer from him before immediately popping the top and taking a hearty swallow.

Jack's eyebrows inched up on his forehead.

"I don't know how to ask this." Daniel admitted.

"Just spit it out, Daniel."

"Were we ever…I mean, was there ever anything…between us?" Daniel asked settling in a chair, his gaze shifting from the beer in his hands to Jack's face.

"Anything between us." Jack repeated.

"As in more than just friends."

"Where did you get that idea?"

Jack was avoiding the question, but Daniel's piercing stare made it clear he wasn't about to let him off the hook no matter how long he stalled.

"I've been dreaming…things." Daniel swallowed, elbows on his knees.

"What kind of things?"

"Can you just answer the question?" Daniel chided. "Was there or wasn't there?"

Daniel's tone of voice was instantly familiar and Jack took a swallow of beer as he tried to control the feeling of dread. Daniel had used that tone with him a lot before Kelowna. It usually meant Jack was being an ass. He supposed it wasn't a good sign that it was the first real conversation they had had since Daniel had returned and he was slipping into old habits, being difficult on purpose just because he could.

He was screwing it up…again.

"There was." Jack nodded. "For a few years."

"When did it end?"

"What makes you think it ended?"

"Oh I don't know. Maybe the fact that you obviously don't want to talk about it." Daniel replied. "Or maybe because you've done such a good job over the last month pretending it never existed."

"I'm sorry." Jack offered. "I don't really know how to handle this."

"That makes two of us." Daniel sighed, sitting back in his chair.

"It ended when you…left." He admitted.

"Left. I walked out?"

"No you…ascended." Jack cringed at the word.

The whole "higher plane of existence" concept made him uncomfortable. It always had and he didn't anticipate that changing any time soon.

"If I'm being totally honest here," Jack said, settling back on the couch in response to Daniel's newly relaxed posture "we were on the verge of being over long before that."

"Can I ask why?"

"I guess you could say we just got a bit too good at pushing each other's buttons."

"Did you want it to be over?"

Jack glanced at him, then back to the beer in his hand. "No." He said quietly.

"Did I?"

"I'm not sure. I hope not, but we didn't exactly talk about it." Jack admitted. "I guess I wouldn't have been all that surprised if you did."

"Is that why you don't want to talk about it?" Daniel asked. "You think we should leave it in the past?"

"I don't know." Jack shrugged. "I've been asking myself that question since Vis Uban. Still don't have an answer."

"I don't know if it helps," Daniel said "but the parts I've been remembering were obviously the good times."

Jack nodded.

"I think…I think I really loved you, Jack."

Jack nodded again, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Me too." He admitted quietly.

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know. I guess it depends on whether or not we think it has a chance of turning out differently this time. I don't see any point in tearing each other apart all over again."

Daniel nodded, contemplating his bottle of beer. "What do you want to do?" He asked quietly.

The intensity of his gaze when his eyes came up from the bottle pinned Jack to the couch.

"We were good once." Jack admitted, swallowing. "Really good. I wouldn't mind having that back. But the rest… I just don't see the point in reliving the good if the bad comes with it."

"Does it have to?"

Jack shrugged.

"So, we were good once. What changed?"

"I wish I knew. I think maybe we just wanted different things in the end."

"We always wanted different things, didn't we?" Daniel asked. "I mean, half of what I remember is us butting heads."

Jack smiled.

"What?"

"You pointed that out to me a long time ago. Just before we started up."

"Really?"

"We were arguing about some plant thing and you said we basically had a difference of opinion about everything from the most basic stuff right on up the ladder. Of course, you were pissed at me when you said it."

Daniel smiled.

"I think we both wanted the same things deep down. We just came at them from completely different directions." Jack admitted. "Somewhere along the line we forgot that and started arguing over the direction rather than the actual thing. Assuming that makes any sense. I think I might have had a few too many of these." Jack admitted, holding up his bottle before taking another drink.

"No, I understand." Daniel nodded.

"We…I forgot how to negotiate and started just wanting to have things my way."

"I doubt it was entirely your fault."

"You only say that because you can't remember." Jack commented. "I just kept pushing until you gave in…on everything. I couldn't see that you were starting to give up on me…on us…until it was too late."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you keep pushing me?"

"I don't know, Daniel. I just…I guess I needed you to be wrong."

"Why?"

Jack sighed heavily. "Maybe I started to resent the fact that I was in charge, but you were right about things more often than not and it really pissed me off. I'd give an order. You'd question it. I'd push you to do it anyway and you would go right around me and do what you wanted. It left me feeling like an idiot way too often. It was like you didn't really care what I thought. You just needed me to back you up when other people got in your way."

"So…don't take this the wrong way, but why didn't you just listen to me?"

"Because I'm the team leader. I'm in charge. I give the orders. You follow them. That's how the chain of command works."

"Even if your plans didn't?"

"I didn't say it was a perfect arrangement." Jack groused. "Look, Daniel, If I knew how to fix the mess we ended up in I would have fixed it long before you died…rather than spending the last year wishing to hell I had. If you hadn't come back…" He sighed. "Our last few months together weren't all that pleasant. I felt bad about that."

"Don't."

"What?"

"You don't have to feel bad, Jack. I knew you at least as well as you knew me. I'm sure I wasn't completely in the dark about my actions pissing you off. I doubt you were the only one pushing buttons in this scenario."

"Maybe."

"I guess that brings us right back around to the same question." Daniel pointed out. "Do we leave it alone and forget it ever was or do we try to fix it?"

"I don't want to forget it ever was, Daniel." Jack admitted. "I meant it when I said we were good together."

"So we what? Try it again and hope my defying orders doesn't get on your nerves? I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like it would work."

"No probably not. Of course, that depends on whether or not you still look at things the same way."

"What way?"

"That it's not good enough for one side to win. Everybody needs to win. Everybody needs to be saved." Jack waved his hand in the air.

"I guess I won't really know that until I figure out what the heck I'm doing." Daniel shrugged. "Right now I have no idea what I want. I'm pretty much just going with the flow."

"Well that's certainly different." Jack commented.

"Really?"

"Oh yeah." Jack smirked. "Ask Hammond what it was like the first few months you were on SG-1. You argued about everything and I do mean everything."

"What about before I ascended?"

"Half and half. Sometimes you went along, sometimes you didn't." Jack replied. "You were actually pretty miserable. I'm sure our thing wasn't helping, but I got the impression you were just about fed up with not having things work out the way you hoped they would."

"Was that why I, uh, left?"

"I think so." Jack replied quietly. "You were in pretty bad shape, but we were trying to save you. I guess in the end you decided you wanted a change." Jack said, fiddling with the label on his beer. "Oma offered one."

"Guess that didn't work out quite as well as I'd imagined."

"No…but it kept you alive so there's that."

"Yeah." Daniel chewed on his lip.

They sat in silence for a long moment before Daniel finally spoke again.

"What would you say if I said I was considering resigning from SG-1?"

"I'd probably ask why."

"I'm not sure it's what I want anymore." Daniel shrugged. "That first mission was very…illuminating. I don't know how I feel about risking my life every time I go through the gate. I mean, it might have been what I wanted once, but…"

"But maybe now you've got a new perspective?"

"Something like that."

"Then I'd say you have to do what you think you have to do. I'm not going to force you to stay."

"Would your answer be different if I said I wanted to leave the SGC?"

"Do you?"

"I'm not sure what I want right now, but I suppose it's a possibility."

Jack sighed heavily. "Maybe part of what you don't remember is that I'm really bad at this stuff."

"What stuff?"

"This…talking about how I feel thing. It just...it's not me."

"You're doing fine so far."

"No, see, that's angry. That's different. I can do pissed with no trouble at all."

"And maybe regret."

"Yeah. Under certain circumstances…maybe that too. Look, I think the only reason I've been able to say any of this is because it's been bottled up inside of me for over a year. All that time I've been hoping for a way to tell you that…that I'm sorry. We ended badly even if we didn't exactly end it ourselves and I never wanted that to happen. I never wanted to hurt you."

Daniel nodded, looking back at him expectantly.

"I think maybe you…probably deserved a bit better than what I gave."

"But?"

"No 'but'. That's it. Just…that."

"So if I decided to leave the SGC you would…?" Daniel coached.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Daniel."

"Would you care?"

"Of course, I'd care."

"But? And?" Daniel asked in exasperation.

"And…I think you need to do what you need to do."

"Was it always this hard?" Daniel asked, rubbing at his forehead.

"I warned you."

"Just say it, Jack." Daniel groaned. "Do you or do you not give a damn if I hang around?"

"Yes, ok. Yes, I do give a damn, but I don't want your decision to be based on whether or not I care." Jack replied. "That's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that may or may not even exist. It's your life. Do what you think you have to do."

Daniel nodded back at him. There was an expression on his face that Jack couldn't quite read. Something between contemplating and calculating.

"What?" Jack asked when the silence dragged on.

"So if I stay that's fine with you. If I go…not necessarily fine with you, but as far as we're concerned…?"

"You tell me, Daniel." Jack sighed. "You've been sitting here for the last twenty minutes trying to get a straight answer. Is that really something you want to put up with?"

"I would hope if we were together you'd be a bit less cold and defensive." Daniel shrugged. "Look, I know what I remember and I also know it's probably not half of what you do so I guess what I'm asking is, knowing what you know and knowing that it's possible I might want to try this again…would you be at all interested in the idea or should I just thank you for the beer and be on my way?"

There it was, the question Jack had been dreading for weeks laid right out on the table and he had no idea what to say.

"You do remember that if we were to possibly get into this again we'd have to keep a very low profile." Jack warned.

"As opposed to taking out a full page ad?" Daniel asked.

"You know what I mean." Jack retorted. "I mean, you do know what I mean, right?"

"Yes, I know what you mean. So?"

"You honestly want an answer right now?"

"I was hoping. You said you've been thinking about this since Vis Uban."

"And I also said I still didn't have an answer."

Daniel stared back at him for a long moment before uttering a simple "Ok" in the distinct tone of voice that stated very clearly he'd just made up his mind about something. Then he got up from his chair, drained the rest of the beer in one long swallow and put the empty bottle down on the coffee table.

"Thanks for the beer." He offered, looking around the chair he'd just vacated as if checking to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. "And thanks for clearing all of this up. I appreciate it." He said in a perfectly calm, completely sincere tone.

Jack watched incredulously as Daniel actually headed up the steps toward the front door.

"Daniel."

"No hard feelings, Jack, really." He held up a hand. "I just needed to know what was in our past so I could put everything in perspective. Sometimes the memories still don't make a whole lot of sense until I can put them in context."

The very casual tone of his voice danced on Jack's last nerve propelling him up from his chair. They were discussing putting an official end to their relationship and he was acting as if Jack had just explained the basic rules of hockey; all very informative, but ultimately of no real consequence. Damn it, but the man knew just how to get to him. The fact that he was acting as if he had no clue what he was doing pissed Jack off even more.

"See, this is exactly what I was talking about." Jack growled through clenched teeth. "Sometimes you just…"

"Just what?" Daniel asked with a small sigh. "Look, Jack, I didn't come here to talk you into this. I came here because I thought maybe 'we' were still an option. It doesn't sound like that's the case so what else is there to say?"

"Because I can't give you a definitive answer right this minute the option is off the table?" Jack shot back.

"How much time do you want?" Daniel asked in exasperation. "A day? A week? Another month? You can take all the time you need, but I've gotta say, if you honestly don't know whether or not you want me back then I think you've already got your answer."

"Daniel, there's a big difference between thinking about it as a hypothetical and thinking about it as a real possibility." Jack replied heatedly. "Up until half an hour ago I didn't think you even remembered. Yes, I've been thinking about it, but only as a hypothetical. In that context do I think it's a good idea to give it another try? No, probably not. As an actual possibility, I have no idea.

"At the moment our friendship is nearly as big a mystery to you as the rest of our relationship. I don't know that I want to risk trying to rebuild both at the same time and have them both fail. I don't know that I don't. I just…I don't know."

"But that isn't exactly the truth is it?" Daniel challenged. "Have you considered that maybe there's a reason you've been going to such great lengths to hide this whole thing from me? If I never remembered then the whole problem just goes away, right?"

"You're not a problem, Daniel." Jack sighed heavily.

"So the possibility of rekindling this doesn't represent a huge problem for you?"

"A problem? No. But it's not something I'm prepared to decide in the next five minutes just because you suddenly need an answer." Jack groused, annoyed at the feeling that he'd just been backed into the corner.

Daniel stood studying him for a moment, his expression softening for reasons Jack couldn't begin to understand. Apparently Daniel was more than just a little different because Jack was spending a heck of a lot of time wondering what was going on in a mind he used to know very well.

"I didn't mean to push you." Daniel said quietly. "I'm sorry. You need time to think about this and I'm being unfair. I'll go. We can talk about it later…or not. I'll leave it up to you."

Once again he was turning toward the door. Jack had never been so confused in his life and that was saying something. Years of working with the combined assault of Daniel and Carter had left his mind spinning, unable to get any traction on numerous occasions. He had thought he'd developed a decent tolerance for the sensation, but apparently not.

The man he cared about deeply, had loved passionately once…who knows, maybe he still did…was about to walk out the front door and Jack had no idea what to do about it. The choice was simple: let him go or tell him to stay, it just wasn't all that easy to make.

"Daniel, wait." He said quietly, Daniel stopping in mid stride, though he kept his back to Jack. "I don't know what I want." Jack admitted. "You're right, ok, but I know what I don't want."

Daniel turned his head and glanced back at him out of the corner of his eye, chin tucked to his chest. It was a look so classically Daniel that it made Jack's heart ache. He'd missed that. If he was going to be honest, and it seemed he didn't have a lot of choice at the moment, there was a lot he missed about what they'd had; about Daniel.

"I really don't think I want you to leave…right now." Jack tried to control a grimace at the clumsy way the words came stumbling out. It wasn't even remotely the way it sounded in his head. Inside it had sounded very clearly like "please, don't go".

"Wow." Daniel replied.

"What?"

"That's the most decisive you've been all night. I don't know whether to be relieved or scared." He said with a tentative smile.

"Welcome to the club." Jack snorted. "Come on. Have a seat." He motioned to the chair.

Daniel paused for a moment before slowly returning to the chair.

"I know you're no good at this, Jack." Daniel admitted. "I remember your attempt at good-bye in the infirmary before I died."

Jack nodded uncomfortably from where he sat on the couch.

"Of course, now I realize it had a lot to do with the fact that our relationship was coming apart and you were trying to talk to me through a pile of baggage. It's hard to put aside that much anger."

Jack nodded. He remembered that day, too, though he tried very hard not to. He'd been angry, actually something lose to livid at the Kelownans, at Jonas, at Daniel. He'd also been completely heartbroken and clinging with both hands to the hope that Janet was going to pull a last minute rabbit out of her hat; at the same time knowing he was hoping for far too much.

"What I'm saying is I think you're going to have to come right out and tell me what you feel, Jack. I know it's asking a lot, but I don't remember enough to be able to read between the lines." Daniel admitted. "You liked what we had, but you didn't like the way we ended up turning on each other."

"Pretty much."

"So, knowing how it feels to let differing opinions get in the way of something that used to be really good do we consider it a lesson learned and think about trying it again or not?" Daniel asked.

"'Think about trying it again'?" Jack echoed. It sounded somehow different from "do we try this again" and he wasn't sure what that meant.

"One step at a time." Daniel smiled. "Do we think about the possibility of giving this another try or just agree to leave it in the past?"

"What do you want to do?" Jack asked.

"I'm not sure I can make that decision." He admitted. "I only remember half of it."

"Only remembering half of it then." Jack asked, a bit more comfortable with the conversation now that he was the one asking the questions.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't make it a habit of throwing away relationships that still had a chance." Daniel said quietly. "From what I remember I didn't get close to people all that often. I'm not saying we didn't have problems. I'm sure we did. Probably a lot of them, but the foundation wasn't built on our differences, Jack. They just got in the way."

Jack nodded, his gaze on the coffee table. He had missed Daniel's ability to see right to the center of things. He had a way of cutting through the crap like nobody else. It was probably his single most important ability when it came to their relationship because Jack could stir up a lot of crap when he was trying to hide. Ok, that and his nearly inexhaustible patience.

"If we were going to think about doing this…if…are you sure you would still be interested in wasting your time on a nearly 60-year-old colonel with bad knees and a lifetime of bad habits?"

"Pretty sure."

"But not positive?"

"Not exactly a fair question if I don't remember much." Daniel smiled.

"Good point."

"Maybe it's better if we leave the past in the past. You've changed. I'm pretty sure I have. Maybe we just forget what happened and start over." Daniel suggested.

"Won't guarantee the old problems don't recreate themselves." Jack shrugged.

"So we work on not letting history repeat itself."

"Easy to say for a man that can't remember much."

Daniel smiled again; one of those hundred watt smiles that made his eyes nearly glow and once again Jack's heart was beating, a thump here and a thump there.

"Are we done thinking about it?" Daniel asked.

Jack's stomach clenched. Were they really going to do this? Was he really about to walk right back into a possible disaster in the making? A disaster that came with blue eyes, a wicked sense of humor, and a body by god? Jack wasn't sure which god, but whoever had thought up Daniel Jackson had either been having an exceptionally good day or had just been showing off. Evolution didn't build things that looked like that.

Jack's mind was a whirlwind of hormones and trepidation and he honestly had no idea what to think. Did he want Daniel back? Hell yes! Was it a good idea? Who the hell knew. Daniel must have seen the turmoil in his eyes because his smiled slipped a few watts.

"Just the thinking part, Jack." He soothed. "I'm not saying we jump back into this tonight. We can take it slow. Maybe go on a harmless, purely platonic date and see where it leads."

"I don't know about 'harmless'." Jack replied.

"Well we could try for harmless. Take a blood oath to keep our hands to ourselves or something."

Jack smiled. He knew that evil glint in Daniel's eye and he knew exactly what it would lead to. However, he also knew that if he made Daniel promise to hold to the "platonic" part of the date he would be as good as his word, offering nothing more than a very restrained goodnight kiss.

"Ok then." Jack nodded. "We can be done thinking about it, but I reserve the right to change my mind if this starts showing signs of turning into a disaster."

"Slow down, Jack, I don't know if I can live up to that level of confidence." Daniel groused, studying him intently for several long moments. "We don't have to do this. We can leave things the way they are if you're that uncomfortable with it. Maybe reopen the discussion later."

"I don't know that I'll feel any better about it later."

Daniel nodded and glanced at his watch.

"Either way, I think I'd better let you get to sleep. It's almost 03:00." Daniel said getting to his feet again.

"Got a plan for getting back to the base?" Jack asked.

"I'll call a cab." Daniel answered, fishing his cell phone out of the pocket of his jeans.

"It'll take them an hour to send someone out here." Jack snorted. "Why don't you stay in the guest room?"

"Are you sure?" Daniel asked with obvious uncertainty.

"Purely platonic, remember? Besides it was your room for over a month after you came back from Abydos. It's almost tradition." Jack shrugged. "You go play with aliens. You come back. You stay at my place until you find one of your own."

"Right." Daniel smiled his suddenly bashful, uncertain smile, chin tucked to his chest, an expression that somehow contradicted the bulging muscles under his slightly damp t-shirt.

Jack felt his heart give another flop in his chest. Exactly how was he supposed to say "no" to that? Daniel had always been a handful; almost more than one man could keep up with and it didn't look like that had changed. Part of him wanted to run screaming from the whole idea. Part of him hoped almost desperately that he could get back what he'd lost because the despair that had become his constant companion since Daniel's death was hard to live with. The steady flow of uncertainty that was muddying up the waters of what would otherwise have been a clear stream of desire left Jack feeling completely off balance, drawn in by Daniel's gravitational pull and feeling nearly helpless to resist it. Typically he had very little patience for feeling helpless, but oddly enough he found that in that case he minded it a whole lot less than he probably should have. He was in over his head, sinking fast, and couldn't decide whether he actually wanted a life preserver or not. Maybe it was ok to just let Daniel pull him under. Maybe he was making a huge mistake letting a guy with only half a memory talk him into it.

"I'm too old for this." Jack muttered quietly.

"What?"

"Nothing. The sheets are clean. Some of your old stuff is still in the drawers."

Daniel looked at him with another one of his appraising stares.

"Let me know if you, uh, need anything." Jack said quickly, wanting to get out from under the calculating gaze.

"Right. Ok, thanks."

"Night, Daniel." He said, heading back to the den to turn off the lights.

"Night, Jack."

"Definitely too old." Jack mumbled before plunging the room into darkness.

XxXxXxXx

Daniel stood in the quiet of a room that apparently should have felt familiar, but didn't. One by one he pulled open the dresser drawers marveling at the fact that Jack had kept a stash of his clothes, his comb, a shaving kit complete with razor and an old toothbrush. It seemed an odd thing to do when by Jack's telling their relationship had been practically over before he had died. Why did a man that seemed perfectly willing to put it all behind him and move on keep a dresser full of clothes that belonged to a dead man, as if he was only out of town for a few days? It only made sense of the man in question was hiding the truth of what he felt, maybe even from himself.

Daniel sat on the edge of the bed with one of his old t-shirts in his hands mulling over the concept, wishing he remembered more. He brought the shirt to his face and inhaled, smelling only the faint hint of pine from the dresser. How many times had Jack sat in this room doing the same thing? Had he ever? Did he wander in from time to time seeking comfort in the memories? Did the pain of those memories leave him standing in the hall, hand resting on the doorknob, unable to bring himself to actually open the door?

Obviously when it came to his feelings about the whole thing there were truths still hidden in Jack. You didn't keep mementos of a person you were over. Unfortunately, until Daniel regained more of his memory he was relegated to making blind guesses because getting the truth out of Jack was apparently an arduous task even on his best day. The only thing Daniel could say for sure was there was much more to the remnants of their relationship than met the eye. Jack was scared. Daniel didn't know how he knew, but some part of him was absolutely certain. Jack wasn't being obstinate because he was uncomfortable with the topic or even angry that Daniel had brought it up in the middle of the night. He was scared, almost terrified or as close as Jack got to such a thing; scared to admit what he felt and judging by his obvious reluctance, scared to relive the pain that losing what they'd once had had caused.

Daniel was tempted to march into Jack's room and wheedle a straight answer out of him, but he knew better than to think it would actually work. A frontal attack never really worked with Jack. Daniel didn't know how he knew that either, but he knew. If Jack saw it coming he would never let you in. You had to sneak up on him; talk him in circles a little until he lost track of where the conversation was going. Then you could blindside him and squeeze out a grain of truth in the midst of his confusion before he shut you out again, or finally gave up the fight and gave you what you wanted, depending on the topic and his mood.

Daniel stripped out of his jeans and slightly damp shirt, turned off the light and crawled into bed. Yawning in the darkness, suddenly exhausted, he realized it was going to take a lot more time to sort the whole thing out. He couldn't quite remember how things had gone the first time around, but this time it looked like he was going to be the one doing the courting. The tough guy "nothing gets to me" Colonel he'd been dealing with for the past month was apparently a facade that was providing shelter for a wounded, skittish, and easily spooked man. One that required a gentle touch. Part of him had known that already, though he wasn't sure how he'd known that either. It had gone hand in hand with the notion that no matter what Jack might say or how hard he tried to keep Daniel at a distance, that man had the ability to love him better than anyone else ever had.

Daniel smiled to himself at the thought, suddenly intrigued by the notion of figuring out what other tender hearted things completely unbefitting a Black Ops, combat hardened soldier were tucked away in there.

"This," Daniel thought as he drifted to sleep "could be worth the trouble."