Time and Again
Season: 7
Pairing: Daniel/Jack, Daniel/Shau'ri
Category: Slash, H/C, Angst
Rating: R
Spoilers: Movie, Children of the Gods, Forever In a Day, Meridian, Fallen, Learning Curve, The Other Side
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: The Stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM. I don't own them I just like to play with them.
Daniel has shut down and Jack wants to know why. As an added bonus, Daniel's tiny bed is finally explained!
XxXxXxXx
Jack squinted bleary eyed at the piece of paper taped to the bathroom mirror trying to force the squiggles and scribbles on the page into some kind of coherent message. Concluding that it was too early in the morning for mystery communiqués he yawned, rubbed at his eyes, and shuffled to the shower. If Daniel had something important to tell him he could deliver the message in person, preferably with a freshly brewed cup of coffee. At the very least it could wait a few more minutes until he had a chance to get his blood moving.
He was half way through the shower when it suddenly dawned on him that while the bed had been empty when he had finally pried himself out of it, batting blindly at the alarm clock, he hadn't met Daniel coming out of the bathroom already shampooed and shaved. He also didn't smell the pleasant fumes of morning coffee creeping down the hall to greet him.
Something was up.
He rinsed the suds from his hair, quickly ran the bar of soap over his body, and turned off the water.
"Daniel?" he called, the acoustics of the bathroom broadcasting his voice.
The lack of response had him standing back in front of the mirror staring at the piece of paper, now slightly curled from the humidity. It seemed Daniel had gone to the base early to get a jump start on the day. It didn't say what time he had left, but Jack had a sneaking suspicion it had been barely morning.
Something was definitely up.
Daniel hadn't been right for days. Actually, when he thought about it things had been a little off for the better part of a week. With every passing day Daniel spoke less and less and worked more and more. It wasn't unfamiliar behavior. It cropped up every time he was upset about something, but Jack hadn't seen it put into practice since Daniel had returned from the mysterious land of the ascended. For the past few days Jack had been asking what was wrong and silently agreeing to accept "I'm fine" as an answer. If Daniel didn't want to talk about it then Jack was willing to give him space, however, it seemed that the time had come to back the man into a corner and pry the information out of him. This was not "fine". Judging by the fact that Daniel was now leaving the house long before the crack of dawn Jack realized he could conclude two things: first, it was big. Second, Daniel still didn't want to talk about it, otherwise he would have simply brought a pile of reports and a fully charged laptop home with him and set up camp in the living room. Jack fully expected some kind of argument the next time the topic came up, but he was no longer in the mood to back down. Yes, Daniel could be incredibly stubborn when it suited him, but two could play that game.
With a heavy sigh Jack wiped the fog from the mirror and began lathering his face. A quick shave, an even quicker breakfast and he'd hop in the truck and head for the base to make an attempt at unraveling the mystery. Glancing once again at the note, he decided to skip breakfast and grab something in the commissary. If Daniel was out of sorts enough to be sneaking off in the middle of the night he needed to get to the bottom of it and the sooner the better. A feeling of nauseating dread settled over him as he made a swipe down one cheek with the razor. It was entirely possible he'd been turning a blind eye to something he shouldn't have.
XxXxXxXx
Daniel reread his translation, scowling at the page. Something wasn't right. Consulting his notes he scratched out a word and replaced it with another before giving the page a nod of satisfaction. A quick glance at his watch revealed that it was nearly 06:00 hours. Jack would be showing up relatively soon demanding some kind of explanation, one Daniel didn't really want to give. Explaining it would require talking about it. Talking about it would require thinking about it. He'd rather not do either one.
He had been working in blissful silence for almost four hours now, tucked away in the back corner of his office hiding out under the pretense of having deadlines to meet and projects that desperately needed his attention. He was busy. Very busy. Far too busy for trivial things like sleep. Of course, the reality was that it had taken almost the entire four hours to finally put aside the dream that had awakened him a little after midnight. If he thought about it long enough he knew he would be able to replay the sound of her laughter, the gentle touch of her fingers on his skin, recall perfectly the way she smelled, the way she moved, the way her hair shone in the sunlight. That was precisely why he wasn't thinking about it.
Shau'ri was haunting him; had been for nearly a week. Her face was in his dreams, her touch a frequent apparition crawling across his skin, her scent, her voice, her memory was taunting him, tormenting him, making it impossible to sleep and incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything except his misery.
Missing her was nothing new. It had been a constant for Daniel since the day she had been kidnapped. Every year the anniversary of her loss came and went and every year he did what he could to put it behind him. Again. What surprised him was that now, four years after he had buried her in the Abydonian sand, the pain was clawing at him, tearing him apart as if it had just happened yesterday. The sense of loss and helplessness felt new, like a fresh wound, tender and raw. He couldn't explain it, but he could certainly feel it.
It didn't help that he felt nearly overwhelmed with the steady flow of other memories that had been tumbling around in his head since returning to human form. Some of them slid quietly back into place almost unnoticed. They were just suddenly there. Some of them returned with vengeful force, slamming into him violently enough to have him reliving the sensations, frustrations, painful acknowledgements all over again. Shau'ri's return had not been the quiet kind even in the beginning.
He remembered sitting in Teal'c's quarters with a picture of her in his hand as the excitement of recalling something, anything, had bubbled inside. Filled with the hopeful anticipation of seeing her again and a longing that had been almost beyond words he had barely been able to stay in his chair. At that point he hadn't remembered much of anything besides Shau'ri, but with her in his life he wouldn't have cared if he had never remembered anything else. Unfortunately the happy reunion he'd been envisioning wasn't meant to be.
Daniel had gladly taken refuge from the crushing disappointment in the daily drama of the SGC and the hunt for Anubis. At that point it had been easy to do as he had struggled to keep up with the often frantic pace of life as a member of SG-1. However, things were a bit more settled now, making it a lot harder to hide from things he would rather not deal with. He didn't feel as harried and half out of control as he had then; stumbling along while everyone else took it all in stride. He was calmer now, focused, very nearly comfortable in a life that had never seemed to fit before.
At least he had been before the first dream of Shau'ri had struck a week ago. In a heartbeat time had unwound and he had awakened in the dead of night to the feeling that everything was wrong, a sensation he had instantly recognized. It was the same notion he had struggled with for years after leaving Abydos to rescue her, one he had continued to wrestle with until the day he'd died.
His life wasn't where it should be, wasn't moving in the direction it should be, wasn't filled with the things it should be. He didn't belong at the SGC chasing bad guys across the universe, stuffed into a military uniform that had never fit right, arguing for the rights of aliens everywhere. He was supposed to be nestled in the sands of a relatively quiet little planet halfway across the universe living in a tent, learning to be a herder, existing peacefully with his beautiful wife and half a dozen kids. The goa'uld were supposed to be nothing more than an unpleasant memory, a tale told to children too young to remember the return of Ra. A story etched on the wall with the rest of them, to be passed down from generation to generation. The goa'uld weren't supposed to be his full time career and certainly not his life's work.
It was wrong.
It was all wrong.
Crushing his palm to his forehead Daniel squeezed his eyes shut, jaw clenched as he waited for the wave of sorrow and anger to pass. One more time he reminded himself that what was "supposed to be" didn't matter. This was his life. This was reality. This place, this job, these people, the current love of his life that he had left sleeping soundly hours ago with barely an explanation.
Shau'ri was "then". She belonged to a time and place when a shortage of water and the approaching sandstorm season were the biggest concerns in his life. The simple existence of farmers and herders on an alien planet that had felt more like coming home than anything he'd experienced since his parents' death.
Jack was "now". He fit perfectly with life at the SGC, an existence that was complicated, dangerous and difficult. He was sarcastic and tough as nails with a soft underbelly that he went to great lengths to hide. Daniel had seen him turn his back and calmly order another man's death against the very solid surface of the iris. He had also seen him risk his career for the sake of teaching a young girl how to be a child. Complicated, dangerous and difficult. That was Jack in a nutshell and Daniel loved him. There was simply no denying it. The mere thought of Jack calmed him considerably. It always had, even before he had recognized the feelings of affection for what they really were.
With a heavy sigh he removed his glasses and pinched at the bridge of his nose. If he loved Jack so much why had he snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to hide in his office? Why was he cowering in the corner tormented by the memory of his wife, wishing there was a way to rewind the clock and have her back? It left him feeling like a hypocritical bastard. Jack loved him, had stood by him time and time again, had refused to leave him by the side of the road no matter how many times they clashed or how many arguments they had. Not even his death had been enough to convince Jack to abandon him and here he was aching clear down to his bones for a life that left no room for a wise-assed Colonel.
It wasn't a new train of thought. Daniel had been bludgeoning himself with it for days, guilt only adding to his depression. He was tired of the life Fate had chosen for him one bright summer day a lifetime ago. The day curiosity had led him to move that first stone to reopen the gate on Abydos. He was weary to the core of complicated, dangerous and difficult. He wanted simple, calm, and quiet. He wanted Shau'ri and the peaceful existence she had represented and it was tearing him apart.
The sound of footsteps in the hall brought his head up. Quickly Daniel replaced his glasses, did his best to wipe the misery from his face and focused his attention back on the page in front of him pretending he'd been doing so all along. However, to his surprise it wasn't Jack who appeared in his door, but Sam.
"Hi." She greeted cheerfully. "I thought I'd find you here early."
"Hi." He mumbled, turning in her direction and tossing her an attempted smile without actually making eye contact.
"Been here all night?" she asked, striding casually up to his desk. "I thought I was an early riser."
"Not quite." He answered, pen still in hand hoping to give the impression that he was a man with a lot of work to do.
"How's it coming?" she asked, glancing at the legal pad in front of him.
"Fine."
"Had breakfast yet?"
"Sort of." He replied, nodding to the empty coffee cup near his darkened computer screen.
"Ah." She nodded. "Not hungry yet, I take it?"
"Not really." He said quietly, keeping his responses brief, definitely not in the mood for a chat, but not wanting to seem rude.
"Ok, well, I'll let you get back to work." She offered, turning away from him.
"Ok." He eagerly agreed.
"Look, Daniel," she said, turning around again, "I know this time of year isn't easy for you. If you want to talk or just need some company you know my door's always open."
Daniel's eyes immediately found hers and for the first time in days he met her gaze, caught completely off guard by her statement. He hadn't said a word to anyone about what was going on in his head. In fact, he barely spoke at all lately. The realization that she must have drawn her own conclusions about his behavior shocked him.
"Thank you." He said, struggling against tears.
"We're here for you, just like always." She said, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. "All you have to do is ask."
He nodded, not trusting his voice or his ability to hold back the sob lodged in his throat. Gratefully he watched her disappear from the room and sat for a long moment with his arms wrapped around himself struggling to pull himself together.
XxXxXxXx
Jack arrived on base at a little after 07:00 with Daniel taking center stage in his mind. However, rather than making a b-line for the archaeologist's office he headed for Carter's. If anyone knew what was going on with Daniel it would be Carter. Despite her insistence that she wasn't even remotely a "girl's girl" she seemed to have that womanly sixth sense just the same. She had to have picked up on Daniel's mood lately. After all, if he had noticed the change then there was no way she could have missed it because he was always the last one to catch on to those kinds of things. Once she noticed, she would ask and Daniel would tell her. He always opened up to her when he wouldn't talk to anyone else. They had been two peas in a pod from day one, a matched pair who spoke the same language, or close to it. Some odd kind of scientist bond or something.
"Morning, Carter." He said strolling into her office, not surprised to find her settled in front of her computer.
"Morning, Sir." She replied cheerfully.
"So, uh, what's going on?" he asked, cringing inwardly at the knowledge that she would most likely tell him and he would undoubtedly not understand any of it.
"I'm doing some calculations on the iris. I think if we adjust the distance from the event horizon 1/32 of an inch and add a particle dampener we might be able to prevent Ba'al from using his holographic projections. The theory works on the principal of subatomic particle decay. See, when electrons are released it's actually possible to calculate their…sorry, Sir." She said, pulling her explanation to a halt in response to Jack's pinched and nearly pained expression.
"Sounds, um, interesting." He grimaced.
"Did you want something, Sir?" Sam asked concluding that he hadn't really dropped by just to shoot the breeze.
"Have you noticed anything…off…about Daniel lately?"
"Off?"
"As in, not entirely himself." Jack expounded.
"He's a little quiet lately, but other than that, no."
"Any idea why that is?" Jack asked. "The quiet thing."
"It's April 12th" She shrugged.
"And?"
"And he goes through this to some extent every year." She said. "I'm sure he'll be back to his old self in a few days."
Jack frowned back at her. Ok so he was missing something obvious. Certainly not the first time that had happened, but for the life of him he couldn't remember what catastrophic event went along with April 12th.
"Help me out here, Carter. April 12th?"
"Shau'ri."
The answer slammed into him like a brick. Shau'ri! How could he have been so dense? Daniel's wife, along with his dream of ever returning to his once peaceful life on Abydos had died that day four years ago. Damn, damn, damn. In the year Daniel had been gone Jack had managed to forget at least half of his little anniversaries: parents' death, Shau'ri and Ska'ra's kidnapping, Shau'ri's death, etc. Even if he couldn't remember exactly what red flag was approaching on the calendar, how could he not remember that when Daniel pulled away, barring a mission gone very wrong or an argument of epic proportions, it meant one of them was on deck? Damn it to hell's basement! This ranked number two on Daniel's list of heart wrenching events and he'd completely ignored the signs.
Jack left Carter's office checking his watch. His meeting with the General started in twenty minutes, fifteen of those he needed to get his information together. He could spare at least five to check in with Daniel and verify he was still in once piece, or close to it. At the moment it was all he could do. However, as soon as the meeting was over he intended to whisk Daniel away from the base and attempt to make up for being such a clueless dolt. Danny needed TLC and he was just the man to give it to him.
Jack walked into Daniel's office without a word and strolled up to his desk where he appeared to be completely engrossed in a translation. Upon further inspection Jack discovered he was actually just staring at the page, his eyes unmoving.
"Getting anywhere?" He asked quietly, resting a hand on Daniel's shoulder and watching as he immediately shook himself from the trance, mildly startled.
"Um, sort of." He replied checking his watch.
"You were up early this morning." Jack commented. "Got your note."
"Couldn't sleep." Daniel shrugged. "Thought I might as well get some work done."
Jack nodded, ignoring the argument that he could just as easily have gotten work done at home as in his office.
"You ok?" Jack asked softly, the hand that had been on Daniel's shoulder briefly stroking his hair.
"Not entirely." He admitted, his gaze on the table.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not right now."
"Fair enough." Jack nodded. "I've got that annual budget meeting thing with Hammond this morning. It should drag on for a few hours, but after that how about we take a long lunch somewhere?"
"Ok." Daniel agreed with no more enthusiasm in his voice than he'd had before.
"I'll be back as soon as I can." Jack said, leaning down to plant a quick kiss on the side of Daniel's head, ignoring their rule about a distinct lack of affection on base.
Striding through the halls toward the General's office he had a sneaking suspicion Daniel was going to stand him up for lunch. He was running for cover, doing his best to keep everyone at arm's length until the pain subsided. Jack knew the routine. Daniel was perfectly willing to confide in the people around him unless he was hurting. Then it was strictly hands off, Daniel stubbornly determined to deal with it on his own. At times like these it was, and had always been, Jack's job to remind him he wasn't alone. Over the course of the last six years, Jack had supplied Daniel with everything from a place to crash for a few nights to a shoulder to cry on and a thousand things in between; whatever he needed to get back on his feet. At the current moment it seemed he needed a tangible reminder that he wasn't alone. Something more than mere words of comfort and offers of support, which he doubted Daniel would take seriously even if they did come from his closest friends.
It came as no surprise when he found Daniel's office deserted after the meeting finally broke up several mind numbing hours later. Picking up the phone on the vacant desk he called the sentry at the main gate and verified that Daniel had indeed left the base hours earlier. Making a quick call to Hammond to request a few hours of personal time, Jack headed for the elevators in search of his wounded archaeologist. He sped across town doing his best to stay somewhere in the vicinity of the speed limit and pulled up in front of Daniel's house, not at all surprised to find his car parked in the driveway. Normally Jack would have been patting himself on the back for hitting the bull's eye with his first guess, but it didn't seem the right time for congratulations. If the one place Daniel had decided to go when he left the base was his own seldom used residence it meant he was hiding out, most likely hurting badly, and Jack still felt like an idiot for not having put the pieces together days earlier.
Instead of attempting to comfort Daniel he'd been snapping and grousing at him for his determined bouts of silence, or at the very least shrugging it off, misreading pain for preoccupation. Looking back on it now with all the pieces in place the answer seemed incredibly obvious. However, at the time it had looked like nothing more than a very determined bad mood. He was willing to swear under oath that the notion that Daniel's sullen behavior might have been due to a broken heart had never even entered his mind. Daniel was back from the dead, the team was finally all together again and though they had had a few close calls lately they had survived them all. For the first time in a long time things felt right. What was there to be upset about? Obviously from Daniel's point of view things looked a bit different. It shouldn't have been a new concept and Jack mentally kicked himself one more time as he strode up the front walk. His only excuse for the fact that it had taken him so long to realize something was wrong with Daniel was that he simply hadn't been paying attention.
It was a lousy excuse.
Not bothering to announce his presence with the doorbell, Jack used his key and let himself into the house.
"Daniel?" he called as he closed the door behind him.
A lack of response sent him on a room to room search, finally leading to the man asleep on his double bed, a piece of furniture barely big enough to hold him and nearly impossible for two people to share. Jack shook his head every time he looked at the almost miniature mattress.
When Daniel had been picking out furniture for his new space he had concluded that there was little reason for a big bed since he spent most of his time at Jack's house anyway. Jack had silently added that if Daniel was sleeping in his own bedroom it usually meant Jack was either out of town or in the doghouse so either way there was no reason to take up space in the already cramped room with a mattress big enough for two. Still he thought it would have been a nice gesture. That afternoon, however, he didn't much care about the bed.
Jack settled on the edge next to Daniel who was curled on his side in a near fetal position. Normally Daniel looked quite peaceful when he slept. Now he only looked worn. Gently Jack stroked his hair and caressed his face, slowly drawing him from his dreams. A blink or two later and a pair of blue eyes focused briefly on his face before sliding away in an action that had been happening for days. Despite the brief contact Jack could see the weary fragility swimming in them and wondered exactly how long it had been there, how long he simply hadn't been seeing it.
"Hi." He offered, not sure exactly where to start, a dozen options floating through his mind, most of them starting with a heartfelt apology.
"Hi." Daniel mumbled in reply.
"Sorry the meeting took so long." He said, resting his hand on Daniel's shoulder.
"It's ok."
"Not in the mood for lunch, eh?"
Daniel shook his head. "Sorry." He offered.
"No, I'm the one who's sorry, Daniel." Jack finally sighed. "I've been an idiot. I should have remembered about Shau'ri. I don't know what I was thinking. Chalk it up to the early stages of senility."
"It's ok." Daniel repeated, tears instantly gathering in his eyes.
"No, Danny, it's not." Jack said, stroking his face. "I should have realized something was going on with you, but the truth is I just wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry. Really. You deserve better than that."
Daniel remained silent, eyes fixed on the wall somewhere behind Jack.
"What can I do?" Jack asked.
"Nothing." He whispered.
"That's not true." He pressed. "What do you need?"
"I don't know." Daniel admitted, his tone a mixture of pain and frustration. "I don't know what I need."
"Mind if I offer a suggestion?"
Daniel paused before shaking his head.
"You're going to have to scoot over, though."
Almost reluctantly Daniel wiggled to the far side of the bed, which wasn't actually all that far. After several moments of careful maneuvering and a distinct lack of comment about the degree of difficulty, Jack managed to settle on the mattress with Daniel in his arms, sighing in contentment at the familiar and very comforting weight of Daniel resting on his chest, half wrapped around him.
"I'm sorry about Shau'ri." He offered, quietly. "I wish things had turned out the way you wanted." He said, rubbing at Daniel's back with one hand.
"Please, Jack…don't." He sniffled. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Are you sure?"
Daniel nodded against him, the arm snaked around Jack's chest holding him a little tighter.
"Alright." He agreed. "Then we'll just lie here."
Daniel nodded again.
"Is it alright if I tell you that I love you?"
"I love you, too." Daniel replied in a strangled whisper.
Jack could feel the heat of silent tears on his shirt and held Daniel's head to his chest, gently pressing a kiss to hair that smelled vaguely of shampoo. He desperately wanted to say something to ease his pain, but knew all too well there was nothing to say. There were no magic words that would heal him and if any pearls of wisdom existed to make it a little more bearable Jack certainly didn't have them. As far as he knew there was nothing to do, but hold him, love him, and wait it out.
At the moment the combined memories of the loss of his dream of a quiet life and the loss of his wife were tearing at him, ripping him open all over again, disturbing wounds Jack was already familiar with. Year after year of helping Daniel heal them made this far from new territory. While each anniversary was different all of them contained at least a few tears and some amount of time spent in silence doing exactly what he was doing now before the hurricane of emotion finally passed, the tragedy settling into a dark corner of Daniel's mind once again.
Jack lay staring up at the ceiling comforting him solely through touch, perfectly willing to abandon the attempt at words. A caress here, a kiss there, a gentle squeeze now and then and eventually Daniel drifted back to sleep. Jack had intended to stay exactly where he was, possibly even finding sleep himself, but his bladder and stomach were battling each other for attention and it was obvious one of the two was going to pry him from Daniel's grasp sooner or later. He'd been reluctant to say anything about either one while Daniel was awake, but with him asleep there seemed little reason to risk wetting the bed for the sake of offering a few more minutes of comfort.
Slowly, carefully Jack slid out from under him and headed for the bathroom then to the kitchen finding very little in the way of food. A bottle of water and a door full of condiments was all the refrigerator had to offer. The cupboards weren't much better and the freezer held nothing, but a small stack of ice covered TV dinners. A side effect of Daniel spending most of his time away from home. Grabbing the phone Jack ordered Chinese and rather than risking waking Daniel by attempting to burrow back under him, possibly tossing him off the far side of the bed and onto the floor by accident, he settled on the couch to watch television, keeping the volume low.
XxXxXxXx
Daniel woke to find himself alone in bed, both his room and the world outside dark. Crawling from the mattress and shuffling in the general direction of the door, he found the light switch and turned it on, squinting at the sudden visibility. He didn't remember falling asleep, only the comforting feel of Jack's arms and the steady sound of his heartbeat. Now, however, the man was nowhere to be seen. He could only assume Jack was in the house somewhere. Leaving him alone with his misery would have been completely out of character. At least now that he recognized there was a problem.
Daniel could recall Jack having left on several occasions over the past few days, bored and frustrated with the silence, completely ignorant of the reason behind it. Sometimes with a sarcastic comment tossed in Daniel's direction, sometimes letting the slamming of the front door make his statement for him. Daniel appreciated the apology, but as far as he was concerned it wasn't really necessary. It wasn't Jack's fault he didn't remember how retched the month of April could be for him sometimes. After all, Shau'ri was his tragedy, not Jack's. If anyone was to blame it was him for not telling Jack what was going on days ago, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to talk about it. He felt so miserable, so angry, so guilty he couldn't find the words. In all honesty he hadn't minded Jack leaving him alone because hiding what he felt, even if only behind a mask of silence, was no easy task. At least when he was alone he didn't have to bother.
Padding down the hall, Daniel followed the quiet murmuring of the television, ending his search in the living room where he found Jack sound asleep on the couch. Several partly empty Chinese food containers were scattered on the coffee table in front of him, the television babbling incessantly at the unconscious man, entertaining itself more than anyone.
Daniel stood for a moment watching Jack sleep, the shifting light from the television casting odd shadows across his face, illuminating it completely one moment only to plunge it into near darkness the next. Once again a wave of guilt washed over him. How could he have this frustrating, aggravating, charming, tender hearted person in his life and be wishing for someone else? He'd been pushing Jack away for days, leaving the poor man to guess at the reason as he attempted to trade the good thing he had for nothing more than a closet full of memories, wanting to swim blissfully in the past until he finally drowned in it.
Daniel's expression turned cold as he silently, but forcefully demanded that the desperate longing for things he couldn't have come to an end. Shau'ri was gone. As unfortunate as it was, it was one of the facts that defined his existence at the moment. No amount of longing or wishing was going to change it. He'd been fueled by self-pity for days, folding in on himself, refusing to let anyone in and it wasn't helping. His nights might be haunted by dreams he couldn't control, but the misery of his last few days had been almost entirely his own doing. Somehow he had to find a way out of the pit he'd climbed into.
Daniel sank into a nearby chair completely frustrated with himself. Once upon a time his longing for Shau'ri had kept him going, kept him searching, kept him stepping through the stargate just one more time when it was the last thing he had wanted to do. Now, however, that same longing that had fueled him was getting in his way. As much as it pained him to say it, she wasn't what he needed any more. Jack was. It was true that sometimes their conflicting points of view made for loud arguments and pounding headaches, but a vast majority of the time Jack was what kept him going. He was tough on him when he needed a swift kick to get moving and gentle with him when that same swift kick would shatter him. Jack challenged him, inspired him, frustrated him, did his best to protect him, and without a doubt loved him. Maybe things weren't quite the way he had envisioned them. Maybe somewhere along the line his life really had taken a turn in the wrong direction, a decision he had made years ago sending things spinning off into left field. Maybe not. Either way, this was his life now. There was no going back, and having Jack a part of it was certainly nothing to regret.
Pushing himself from the chair Daniel brought his musings to a halt and gathered up the remainders of Jack's dinner by the flickering light of the television. He managed to find enough of an appetite to devour at least half of it before tucking the rest away in his empty refrigerator. Padding back down the hall to the linen closet he retrieved an extra blanket and covered the still sleeping Jack before finally turning off the television. He paused for a moment in the darkness to gently stroke the man's short, gray hair and place a tender kiss on his temple before retreating once again to the peaceful confines of his bedroom, collecting his well stuffed satchel from one of the dining room chairs as he went. He was tired of the dreams. Tired of the thoughts in his head and fed up with trying to sort out the tangled mess of his life. So he had come home prepared to spend a considerable amount of time preoccupied by things that had nothing at all to do with the life and times of Daniel Jackson. He didn't want to deal with anything except ancient alien mysteries that were guaranteed to keep his brain focused in a completely different direction. Settling himself on the floor near his bed, Daniel unpacked his satchel and set to work.
XxXxXxXx
Sometime after the kung pow chicken and before the evening news Jack had apparently fallen asleep, waking to a now dark and quiet room. Sitting up he rubbed at a knot in his neck, pushed away the blanket that had mysteriously appeared and checked his watch. Technically it was morning, but not the portion of it he usually liked to be awake to see. A dim light in the hall caught his attention and he wobbled to his feet before shuffling toward it. It led to the partly open door of Daniel's bedroom where he sat on the floor with a legal pad on his knee, a book in his lap and several pages of foreign scribble scattered around him. Apparently this time he'd headed for home fully prepared to miss another night's sleep.
"Hey." Jack whispered, blinking.
"Hi." Daniel replied, looking up from his work.
"You always work on the floor?"
"Didn't want to wake you."
"Ah. So…what's going on?"
"SG-17's last mission."
"No, I meant why are you up at 01:30? In case you haven't heard, most people sleep at this time of night."
"Couldn't sleep." He shrugged, turning his attention back to the pages on the floor.
"That's three nights in a row." Jack informed him.
"I know."
"Want to talk about it?" he asked.
"Not really."
"Shau'ri again?"
Daniel glanced over at him, his gaze meeting Jack's knees before he reluctantly nodded his head. Jack was silent for a moment as he struggled to think back to the last time this had happened what seemed like an eternity ago. He remembered Daniel being upset, but couldn't recall how long it had lasted before he had returned to something resembling normal. It could have been days. It could have been weeks.
"Why don't you come back to bed?" Jack asked. "I'll keep you company."
"I'm fine."
"Yeah, you look fine." Jack snorted at the dark shadows under his eyes. "Come on." He urged, settling on the end of the bed and patting the mattress.
Daniel let out a heavy sigh laced with frustration. "I won't sleep." He informed him.
"Then we'll just lay here and not sleep. Stop stalling."
"I need to get this done." Daniel continued to protest.
"It can wait."
"Jack…"
"Daniel. If you keep going like this you're going to wind up sick with something and then you're going to give it to me and then I'll be sick with something and I don't think either of us really wants that, do we?" Jack expounded. "Days on end of sitting up rubbing my feet and making me chicken soup, remember?"
"I remember." Daniel groused.
"So?"
"I can't sleep, Jack." Daniel replied quietly, finally turning to cast a fleeting glance in his direction, eyes full of misery and apprehension. "If I do I'll dream about…her. I can't take it any more."
"I'm sorry, Danny." Jack offered gently.
Finally realizing that no amount of wheedling was going to convince Daniel to attempt sleep, Jack got up from the bed and settled behind him on the floor, knees creaking and popping as he did. Wedging himself between Daniel's back and the bed frame in a nearly comfortable position, Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel who was now settled between his legs and gently coaxed him back against his chest.
"If you're not going to sleep then let's talk for a while." Jack said, Daniel's head rested on his shoulder.
"About?" Daniel replied warily.
"Whatever you want."
"What if I don't want?"
"Then I'll talk." He said. "Remember when we took Teal'c to see War of the Worlds last week?"
"Two weeks ago."
"Really? Huh. Anyway, did you see the look on his face when the aliens came out of the ship?" Jack snickered. "Priceless."
"I think he was a little disappointed."
"Yeah, well, Spielberg can't be 'on' all the time."
"I suppose not."
"Has Carter seen it yet?"
"When it first came out." Daniel nodded, his head nestled against Jack's cheek. "She loves that stuff. Or at least she loves to pick it apart."
"We need to find her a hobby."
"I think that is her hobby."
"Ok then we need to find her a new one."
"She likes it." Daniel shrugged.
"Well it drives me nuts."
"Me too."
"You want to spend some time at the cabin next week?" Jack asked, nuzzling Daniel's neck and holding him a little tighter. "Take a long weekend. Do a little fishing…or whatever."
"I'll have to see how busy things are."
"Ah, but you forget, you're talking to the guy who has the ability to grant leaves at will."
"I didn't forget." He replied, resting his arms on top of Jack's, legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles.
Jack smiled to himself, suddenly remembering how he'd gotten Daniel through the last few anniversaries. Just like this. Holding him, talking to him, steering his thoughts in a safer direction, pulling him away from the gaping jaws of misery time and again until he found his feet. It wouldn't be the last night they would lose sleep, certainly not the last time he would see the sun rise while settled somewhere holding onto Daniel, talking him down from an emotional ledge, but eventually things would settle. The date would pass and drag a good deal of the memories that were haunting his well-abused archaeologist with it and once again things would return to something resembling normal. At least for them.
"Seen the pictures of Siler's new dog?" Jack asked, stifling a yawn and refusing to look at the clock. Daniel was worth a few hours of missed sleep. "Little basset terrier mix." He added, promising himself a nap at the first available opportunity.
"With a face only a mother could love." Daniel added. "Yeah, he showed me."
"It wasn't that bad."
"Oh please. It looks like somebody stretched a wire hair terrier and pumped a bit too much air into its head."
"This coming from a guy who thinks fish are real pets." Jack snorted. "You can't fully appreciate a dog until you have one."
"So you keep telling me."
"Hey, if we're going to be up for a while why don't we move this conversation to some place more comfortable, like the couch. My butt's falling asleep."
"Why don't you go back to bed?" Daniel suggested.
"Right after you." He replied. "Come on, get up and go make some coffee. I'll see what's on TV."
"As long as it's not Godzilla." Daniel groused getting to his feet. "I can't watch that again."
"It's a classic." Jack complained, smacking Daniel on the butt just before he moved out of reach.
"No, Casablanca is a classic. Wizard of Oz is a classic. Godzilla is a tragedy."
"No taste in pets or movies, doesn't own a dog, why do I put up with you again?" Jack asked as Daniel tugged him to his feet.
"Because I'm irresistible." Daniel batted his eyelashes meeting Jack's gaze with the first real eye contact in days.
"Or something." Jack teased pointing to the kitchen. "Coffee. Wait. Come here."
Daniel turned back to him, a questioning expression on his face, one replaced by understanding as Jack curled a hand behind his neck and pulled him close before kissing him tenderly on the mouth.
"Something to think about while you're gone." Jack explained, stroking his cheek with one thumb.
Daniel nodded with a fleeting smile, suddenly quiet again.
"What?" Jack asked softly.
"Nothing."
"Daniel?"
"Just reminded me of something. It's nothing." He shook his head, his gaze having slid to Jack's chest.
Jack nodded, kissing Daniel's forehead knowing all too well this was how it went during the worst of it. One minute he was fine, the next he wasn't as memories floated in and out of his head at will.
"You make the coffee. I'll make the popcorn." Jack suggested before turning him in the direction of the kitchen. "Maybe we can find a Three Stooges marathon or something."
"Dare we dream?" Daniel snorted.
"See? No taste whatsoever." Jack sighed as they padded through the house to the kitchen.
XxXxXxXx
Jack woke to the insistent blaring of the alarm, Daniel asleep beside him, apparently oblivious to the racket. Slapping the snooze button to silence the contraption, Jack turned over with a groan.
"Daniel." He grumbled, giving him a shove when he received no reply. "Time to get up."
"Mngh."
"Up." Jack insisted. "We've got that mission to P3 something or other today."
"Mmm hnng."
"And Hammond won't let you go in your sweats so come on. Get a move on." Jack continued to insist, the mild argument managing to get his blood pumping enough to have him tossing back the covers and reaching feet toward the floor. "Daniel!"
"I'm up." The previously lifeless lump groused back at him, voice muffled by his pillow.
"Prove it."
"I thought I just did."
"I'm going to hit the shower. Some coffee would be nice."
"Wouldn't it?" Daniel replied in a mildly surly tone. "Why don't you make some on the way to the shower?"
"Has anyone ever told you you're a pain in the ass in the morning?"
"Repeatedly."
"One of these days I'm going to set up a coffee maker in the bedroom just so I don't have to listen to this." He said with a yawn as he padded toward the bathroom.
"Don't tease me."
Early-morning-Daniel was and had always been a pain in the neck, not to mention a severe strain on one's patience. However, this morning Jack couldn't help smiling as he stepped into the shower. Daniel was Daniel again. No more lost sleep, disquieting dreams or lengthy bouts of disturbing silence. His surly remarks were music to Jack's ears, at least for the next few days until the attitude began to wear on him again.
Singing at the top of his lungs, paying no particular attention to pitch, Jack reached for the shampoo envisioning Daniel crawling from the bed to seek refuge from the caterwauling in the silence of the kitchen. Coffee would be made. The paper would be collected from the front porch and Jack would have something to read and drink while he waited for Daniel to finish taking his turn in the shower, giving the steam a chance to dissipate enough to see the mirror so he could shave. Life was once again as it should be.