Chapter 1: Beavers and Music Do Not Mix!

Hello people! I'm WanderingTeen (or WT, or Teeny, or whatever else you may decide to call me), and I suddenly had this weird idea: what if PotO characters where Canadian?

Well, not even Canadian. Well, not real Canadian. But stereotypical Canadians with pet beavers and stuff?

I owe the idea to my dad, really, for insisting that the Phantom should wear the "entire goalie mask".

So, hopefully you appreciate my idea.

Featured Stereotypes: that Canadians are obsessed with hockey (okay, some are, but most are normal), that Canadians frequently associate with beavers

Disclaimer: I do not own the stereotypes or PotO or the Lyrics to "The Good Old Hockey Game". But I am a Canadian and people have stereotyped me, so that's all that matters. AND I AM CANADIAN SO I AM ALOWED TO MOCK MYSELF!

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So… this all takes place in… AN OLD HOCKEY RINK! Or, this first scene does, at least. See, this is a culture club, the first and last of its kind, because it's got a bit of Canadian culture (a hockey rink) right next to some… real culture (an Opera House). They share a wall, which had a hole in it, which was how a certain someone was able to get from one place to another and haunt it and stuff.

There is a bunch of old people wearing various hockey jerseys as they look through the old crap. Suddenly, the auctioneer (who is wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey) starts waving a music box with a beaver holding a hockey stick on it.

"LOOK WHAT I GOT!" He shouted.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Okay, so, uh… this is a music box, eh?" he said, pointing to the animal on the top, "With a beaver on it. So… who wants it?"

An old man in an Edmonton Oilers jersey put up his hand at the same time that an old lady with a Manitoba Moose jersey put up her hand. They glared at each other for a moment, but then they remembered: they're Canadian, and, as Canadians, it was their job to be peacekeepers.

So, the old woman said, "Hey, you can have it, eh?"

The old man beamed. "Thanks, eh!"

So, as the old man looked over his prize, the next item was unveiled.

"Okay, eh, this is an old broken light-up scoreboard, eh?" the auctioneer began, pointing to the florescent green hunk of crap. "Some say this is the very scoreboard from the story of: the Phantom of the Culture Club, eh? Some electrician people have fixed it up all right, so maybe, now that its fixed, we can frighten away the ghost of… a long time away, eh? So… plug her in!"

A strange wind whistled through the place (since it was in Canada and it's winter all the time in Canada) and everyone recalled the strange affair of… the Phantom… of the Culture Club…

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Two new managers where coming to check out their new EBay purchase: a culture club/ hockey rink. One, Firmin, was a lover of culture (like, real culture, like music), while the other, Andre, was a lover of Hockey.

Of course, when they got to the Opera House, the entire place was in an uproar because Carlotta, their star, had lost her pet beaver and was sobbing in the arms of her boyfriend, Piangi.

"… And he was such a good little beaver, eh?" she screamed, "He only chewed on my favorite hockey stick once, eh? I loved little Bill with all my heart…"

Firmin and Andre stared over the scene in something close to horror. After all, they had a hockey game to get to in less than an hour, and they couldn't very well settle an uproar in less than an hour!

"… So, you're the new people, eh?" an elderly woman with a hockey stick with the blade cut off came towards them, using the shaft of the stick as a walking stick.

"… Yeah… did we come at a bad time?" Firmin asked.

"No, no, this happens about once a week." She informed them. "Carlotta's a little out of it, so she looses her beaver every once and a while." She held out hr free hand. "I'm Sue Giry, but eh… you can call me Sue."

"Mmm…" Andre was too busy watching a little blond dancer to pay any attention to them. "Who's the sexy blond?"

Sue glared at them. "That's my daughter."

"Ah… so… who's the sexy brunette, eh?"

"Christine. I also think of her as a daughter." She glared at Andre. "So don't even try or I'll body check you into the next province."

"Ah…"

"So… where's the little fruity non-hockey playing turd you where suppose to bring with you?" Sue asked.

"Raoul!" Firmin shouted, and an idiotic blond mental case of a man bounded in.

"OH MY GOD!" Raoul shouted, eyeing Christine, "I KNOW HER!"

"… I feel stalked…" Christine muttered, and she picked up a hockey stick as defense.

At that moment, three beavers with pink ribbons tied around their necks ran onto the scene.

"BILL!" Carlotta shouted. "TIM! PEE-WEE!" She threw her arms around the buck-toothed animals. "I THOUGH YOU WHERE GONE FOREVER… eh?"

"Okay then…" Firmin muttered.

"… I think I was promised that a hot lady would sing a song…" Andre said.

"Oh, yes!" Firmin jumped up and down. "I believe it's from the new Canadian Opera: 'Hockey: the Definition of a Nation'!"

Carlotta glanced up. "Song? Opera? … Eh?"

"OH MY GOD, NO!" Meg shouted. "SHE'S GOING TO SING, EH? RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

Carlotta took a deep breath and began to sing.

"Hello out there, we're on the air

It's Hockey night tonight

The tension grows, the whistle blows

And the puck goes down the ice"

Of course, the Diva's voice was nothing short of horrid, but, since everyone was Canadian and therefore interested in peacekeeping, no one said anything. Not even the strange shadow that no one noticed was standing above them.

"The goalie jumps and the players bump

The fans all go insane

Someone roars, Bobby scores

At the good old Hockey game"

However, unbeknownst to everyone, including the strange shadow, the shadow's pet beaver was climbing over the ropes in the ceiling and was knowing crazily on one rope that held up an extremely large backdrop depicting screaming fans at a hockey game.

"Oh! The good old Hockey game

Is the best game you can name

And the best game you can name

Is the good old Hockey game!"

Carlotta was dancing like an idiot by now.

"Second period

Where players dash with skates a flash

The home team trails behind

But they grab the puck and go bursting up

And they're down across the line,"

And before you could say polar bear, the backdrop was dropped onto the annoying diva's head.

"OH MY GOD!" Carlotta screamed. "THIS IS REALLY HEAVY! ET IT OFF ME, EH!"

"Shiznit…" muttered the shadow, and he collected his pet and slinked away from the scene below him.