First, my little rant.
I do NOT want to see another Harry Potter rumor. I do NOT want to know if Hermione is going to be Head Girl, or what the last word in the series will be, or which character dies next. There are only three books left in the series, and we should stretch them out for as long as we can. I can't BELIEVE that J.K. Rowling is planning her books so far ahead in advance, but there you are.
And another thing: Why does EVERYTHING in the Harry Potter series have to have some sort of meaning? Granted, it makes for a very tidy book, with no loose ends. But it's so…smug, you know? Everything has something to do with everything else. Everybody knows each other, or is related; everything was made by someone famous or has some kind of significance; everything is tied in perfectly with the plot. There are no loose ends, but it makes for a pretty boring series, because you can tell what's going to happen next.
Compare the Harry Potter series to The Iron Dragon's Daughter, by Michael Swanwick. Where J.K. Rowling never wastes a character, Michael Swanwick gives you the feeling that he's giving everyone he knows a cameo in the book. Where Rowling puts in all sorts of rather obvious symbolism that actually isn't symbolism at all, Swanwick puts in bits that seem completely random, and half of the time, actually are random. It makes for a disjointed book, but it makes you think for a very long time afterwards.
Another bit of comparison: The Iron Dragon's Daughter and the Harry Potter series begin the same—a child in adverse conditions, working as a veritable slave, until they are summoned to leave and begin a rich and exciting life. Except that Jane leaves via a delusional piece of machinery, and Harry leaves via a Fat Bastard look-alike that's been sent from a teacher.
Now let me compare the plot shapes. The Harry Potter series looks sort of like jagged sine waves. It begins at rock bottom at the Dursley house, builds up the action as he leaves for Hogwarts, zooms upward as life-threatening things happen to him, reaches a peak as he defeats the bad guy, and then plunges down sharply again as everything is explained to him and he leaves for vacation.
The Iron Dragon's Daughter, on the other hand, has a general spiral shape, as Jane leaves her former dingy, drab surroundings for the glamour of another level of society. It inevitably plunges downwards as she becomes disillusioned with her life…but not after some very large bumps and jags along the way. Then, it tightens into a tiny little singularity, and begins again in a slow, lazy loop. It's a very satisfying and unconventional plot shape.
Oh, and don't get me started on the superiority of the Discworld series, please don't do that, because it'll make for a VERY long rant…Let's just say this. I would rather take the Luggage for a semi-sentient little sidekick than an owl any day, even a cute little hyperactive owl with an overly cute name. And the Death of Rats could beat up Nagini with one skeletal claw tied behind his back. And I would MUCH rather have Ridcully for a principal than Dumbledore. And Angua can cope as a werewolf a lot better than that Lupin guy, and Voldemort is nowhere NEAR as scary as Granny Weatherwax, even though she's technically one of the good guys. And I, personally, would cast my vote for Havelock Vetinari as chairman (or whatever) of the Ministry of Magic.
Despite my complaints about geometric literature, the Harry Potter series is an excellent diversion. Well, it's pretty good when you don't compare it to Pratchett or Swanwick, anyway. Just let me say this: I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with even just one Harry Potter book than the entire works of Tolkien.
If you've been able to sit through my lecture without throwing up, flaming me, or pressing the back button, I deem you worthy to read the introduction to my latest series in progress. It's a crossover between The Iron Dragon's Daughter and the Harry Potter series. If you actually agreed with everything I said, then I deem you worthy of reading the entire series, which I may eventually write if I get the time. And if you are all of the above and you also read Mad Magazine, I want to meet you.
Many thanks to Emily Engelson, for reading all of the books I demanded she read, for not allowing me to indulge my baser instincts by watching WWF RAW IS WAR, for never, ever, ever allowing us to fight…but most of all, for reviewing every single freakin' one of my fanfics.
Now then…the story.
The Iron Dragon's Children
Chapter Zero
"In conclusion, the Fey World and the Human World have become increasingly connected. As commerce between the two Worlds has increased, both Worlds have come to a mutual understanding of each other. The changeling trade has been more tightly patrolled, and the Powers have been able to work together, bypassing rigid mathematical barriers. I would not be surprised, in fact, if soon we saw droves of tourists from the other World visiting our own." Jane Alderberry smiled and shuffled her notes. The hall erupted in applause.
At the reception, Jane headed straight for the bar and ordered a stiff vodka martini. She hated lecturing, but she was good at it, and her skills were in demand.
She seated herself on a barstool and delicately sipped her drink. A white-bearded man in glasses and full wizard robes sat down next to her.
Jane turned to face him, slowly and deliberately. "Oh, hello, Professor. I didn't know you were here."
The four Powers of the Human World were employment-based. There were three major magic schools in the World, and the heads of each of them were considered to be one of the Powers. The other one was the head of the Ministry of Magic.
In the Fey World, the Powers were based on your social position, and how well you manipulated fate in order to get there. The four Powers were the Baldwynn, a fatherly philosopher who had managed to break through the World barriers at 130 miles per hour while making out with a transvestite and listening to "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard; Galiagante, a TV show producer with secret perversions, whom Jane used to work for; Leysa Incolore, whose half-brother Jane used to sleep with, and who was also one of Jane's best friends in the Tylwyth Teg; and Kirsten Locksley, who had become a Power after Jane had left the Fey World.
Albus Dumbledore smiled. "I go to all of your lectures, my dear. You're such a…fascinating person." He took in Jane's features, her short, curly black hair, her violet eyes, her aquiline nose, her prison pallor, the green-gold leather jumpsuit she wore, and the spiral-shaped scar stretched over her left temple. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get that scar?"
Jane touched it. "Oh, this? A mark of the Goddess's favor." She laughed hollowly. "Do you know, I was the first person not a Power to go through Spiral Castle and live?"
Dumbledore nodded solemnly. "No doubt you've seen many things."
Jane nodded. "Too many, really. Have you ever seen someone go up in smoke, right in front of your eyes?" She took another long drink of her martini. "Have a drink."
Dumbledore shook his head. "I don't drink," he said. "Tell me, have you ever thought of teaching?"
Jane blinked. "I've taught. What, you mean at Hogwarts?"
"As a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Dumbledore explained.
Jane's mind drifted back to the one class she had taught. It was when her alchemy teacher, Professor Nemesis, had been out sick, and Jane had to show everyone how to perform an experiment. It had gone better than she had hoped, thanks to a technique Sirin, her lab partner, had showed her the night before…
Dumbledore misread her hesitation. "It's a very prestigious job," he assured her. "You'll get paid very well."
Jane shrugged. "I may think about it," she said. "Don't you have a teacher there already?"
"No," Dumbledore said tersely. "To change the subject, where are you staying tonight?" He winked at her.
Jane laughed. "Professor, are you coming on to me?"
Dumbledore harrumphed. "No, no, don't worry, you're much to young for me…I'm just wondering."
"I'm staying with this guy I met yesterday," Jane said, indicating a tall, good-looking man with red hair in a ponytail, an earring, and dragon-skin boots.
Dumbledore looked. "Bill Weasley? I thought he was g—"
"Not," Jane interrupted, "tonight." She sucked the olive off of the stirring stick in her drink in a way that was calculated to make men sweat, and gave Dumbledore a suggestive grin.
Jane had to give him credit. The man's expression didn't even change. "I see. So, you'll consider taking the position?"
Jane shrugged. "Maybe."