Disclaimer, I don't own any of the characters below, if I did....
I think it's better we don't go there. Thanks to Torchwood101 and Anessathiel for helping with the idea. Before you read this, keep this in mind; this was originally going to be filmed, but with a total of five people playing all the roles. Here is the list of who was going to be played by the same people,
Kirk– Khan – Director
(A random) Jedi – Revan –Narrator
Carter – Hathor – Writer
Jingo – Darth Chavus – Cameraman
Sweater Guy – Stunt Double – Producer
Cue title sequence.
Camera pans down through the tree tops, careful to avoid the vengeful squirrels, to reveal a clearing, birds sing peacefully in the background, oblivious to the randomness about to be unleashed on their gentle, unsuspecting world. A figure comes into view, appearing out of nowhere, unless they were there from the start, and the cameraman was just too distracted by the birds to notice.
Narrator: A long time ago in the far future, in a time a bit like the present(ish)
The figure sneaks a look at a copy of the script stashed in a pocket; someone didn't learn their lines.
Narrator: In a small clearing, thanks to the mother of all convenient plot twists, characters from Star wars, Star trek, and Stargate, are temporarily marooned...
Camera slips away during the dramatic pause, and three new characters appear, the narrator left to continue offstage.
Narrator: And not too happy about it.
The cameraman utilises some super secret lighting technique, and the characters in the clearing are brought into sharp focus.
Kirk: I am afraid that you won't be enjoying my company much longer, Scotty will be getting my signal in a few moments, then I'll be beamed out of here!
Jedi: You just keep telling yourself that.
Kirk: I'm sorry; I can't here you over the sound of how awesome I am!
He proceeds to strike a dramatic pose, to better allow the others to bask in his awesomeness. They don't.
Narrator: But... Unbeknownst to them...
Motion blur, the camera stops facing and almost identical clearing. The light dim, perhaps something is about to happen?
Narrator: Their enemies have also found their way there.
This could almost be called a letdown, if any real tension had been built.
Narrator: However, they are not relevant to the story at the moment so we will return to the good guys.
They turn on the narrator, shocked and angry that their precious camera time has been snatched away by flashy visual effects. However, before they can act on this, the camera returns to the original cast, who couldn't care less how the others are feeling, they've got their own problems...
Carter: I have an idea, if we find the stargate, we can go home!
A brilliant plan, but with just one problem...
Jedi: You mean YOU can go home.
Kirk: It's still a plan!
Jedi: Fine. But does anyone have any idea where one is?
Make that two.
Carter: I think there should be one...
She mutters thoughtfully to herself, bent over as if conspiring with some invisible 'thing', bravely searching for some sort of logic defining this randomness, there must be some sort of pattern, right?
Kirk: Port side warp six people!
Wrong.
Others: ...
Kirk suddenly finds himself on the receiving end of an awkward silence, and reluctantly has to translate.
Kirk: OK, that way and quickly!
Jedi: Much better.
After a not to promising start, this fanfic is moving forwards, the character are on the move, the plot is advancing, and the cameraman is frantically running to try and keep up.
Carter: I think this may take a while.
The group pass a totally unremarkable piece of scenery, lots of bracken, a few patches of heather, overall, nothing worth commenting on.
Carter: I feel like I've been here before.
They pass an equally dull, identical piece of boring scenery
Kirk: Déjà vu, cosmic.
They begin to get suspicious, just how much was the scenery department paid, or more importantly, was there a scenery department?
Jedi: Does anyone else get the feeling that we're walking past the same spot over and over again?
Yep. They've cracked it. I thought that heather looked familiar...
Cameraman: Shh! You're ruining the movie magic!
The cameraman feels the need to step in, but you never see his face. I wonder why?
Sweater Guy: Kirk, you are trapped on an unidentified planet with two girls, which one would you date?
And so was the somewhat uncomfortable entrance of the Sweater Guy, who after his question has been answered, we'll probably never see again. The red shirt underneath the sweater confirms this, he is DOOMED!!
Kirk: The director. We have so much in common.
Director: We're practically the same person!
If you didn't get that, check the top of the page, I told you the character list was going to be important!
Carter: Look! A water source! We might not die after all!
All goes black, and then it refocuses on the others, who have successfully negotiated more screen time.
Hathor: Look! A water source! We might not die after all!
The two groups spot each other across the small lake/ pond thing, and for a moment their eyes meet, so inevitably, a staring contest ensues. Each character gets a few moments in an epic close up, accompanied by some carefully selected background music. The Jedi and Revan get good and bad star wars music respectively. So far so good. Carter gets the chorus of 'behind those hazel eyes', and Hathor is staring to the rather appropriate 'love machine'. Kirk gets 'Star trekking' and Khan, 'lollypop' He nods his head in approval, breaking just about every unwritten law of good taste.
Khan: Ahhh! My eyes!
Good Guys: We win!
This declaration of victory is accompanied by exited and triumphant high fiving, with a lot of jumping added in for good measure.
Jingo: Let's take advantage of this situation and kill them now!
Kirk: Where did he come from?
Jedi: That's not important right now.
This statement is accompanied by the hand gesture commonly associated with Jedi mind tricks, as that's what this is.
Kirk: That's not...
Jedi: Shut up, I'm talking.
This is probably out of character, so don't dwell on it.
Kirk: ?
Jedi: Anyway, it would be a bad idea to kill them now.
Jingo: Would that be because you are a stuck up Jedi with a strong 'moral code'?
Jedi: No, it's because when you're trapped on an isolated planet, double the people means double the chance of survival.
Kirk: Now you sound like Spock.
Jedi: What did I say?
Kirk: Sorry.
Jedi: Now we go over there and attempt to strike an alliance.
Kirk: Who put you in charge?
Jedi: I did.
Carter: So who do you suggest?
Kirk: Me.
Carter: Why you? I have more experience with being trapped on inhospitable planets!
Kirk: I'm the captain of the Enterprise. That makes me more qualified to lead.
Carter: Yeah well...
Sensing that their petty squabbling won't be ending any time soon, the Jedi makes a decision.
Jedi: Let's go.
Some unidentifiable (and probably irrelevant) amount of time later...
Kirk: Because I'm better than you!
Jedi: Hi! Did you miss me?
Carter + Kirk: ????
Kirk and Carter are thrust into the situation of having three enemies from their own worlds appearing, seemingly, out of nowhere. There is a bit of throat clearing and uncomfortable shuffling, until the tension is finally broken.
Revan: After much deliberation...
Hathor: we have reluctantly agreed...
Khan: to help you lot!
This sentence finishing is (probably) not a result of psychic joining, just planning in advance. (But, with a fic like this, you never know)
Carter: Oh, joy.
Inspirational music starts, everyone can tell that someone is about to burst to song, with joyous abandon, but who?
Khan: You just call, out my name,
And you know, wherever I am,
I'll come running...
It was Khan. What a surprise.
Carter: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Everyone else reacts in much the same way, but since the cameraman decided to do a close up, Carter's all we can see.
Narrator: Disaster strikes! We are encountering a genre shift!
Duh duh duh!
Kirk: This is all Khan's fault!
Cut
More chapters will follow, if this is popular.