Author's Note: This is purely for the lulz. And I definitely think this is the funniest songfic I've ever done.

The Professor does actually have a cat named Mystique. Comicverse-wise, at least. I just like the thought of her being around the mansion and telling on the kids, a la Mrs. Norris from Harry Potter.

Disclaimer: Come on. You know I don't own X-Men:Evolution, or Kitty-cat wouldn't have fashion sense! I also don't own the song 'As Good As I Once Was', Toby Keith does. This is all for the lulz.

Charles Xavier looked out on the grounds of his school and smiled. The children were playing Mutant Ball, a game of their own invention that had a tendency to get people hurt, but it was all good fun. He turned back to his office, to his desk overflowing with paperwork and his chessboard, dusty from lack of a willing partner. His cat jumped up into his lap and settled there, purring.

"What are things coming to? I have a lonely old man cat! Oh, Mystique..." The little orange cat looked up at him with her big, yellow eyes. "...I need to get out of the mansion. They'll be fine without me for a night." She looked at him reproachfully. "You'll get fed, of course!" he said, scratching Mystique behind the ears. She mewed contentedly.

Later that night, after leaving Ororo and Hank in charge, the Professor wheeled out to where a black car was waiting. He slid in next to the other man. "Same bar as usual, Charles?" asked the white-hared man. "You always ask that, and the answer is always the same." said Xavier, smiling at the other man. "Well, you never know." said Eric Lensherr, slipping out of the driveway and on to their destination. They arrived soon after at a small bar. Two identical women came up to them and smiled, beginning to chatter idly. Eventually the conversation turned more... adult, and the girls asked the question the two men had been waiting all night to hear.

She said, "I've seen you in here before"
I said, "I've been here a time or two"
She said, "Hello, my name is Bobby Jo
Meet my twin sister Betty Lou
And we're both feeling kinda wild tonight
And you're the only cowboy in this place
And if you're up for a rodeo
I'll put a big Texas smile on your face"

Charles smiled at them. "Aren't I a bit old for you?" The girls laughed. "We don't mind." "Yeah, that only means you're more... experienced." they said, batting their eyelashes at him.

I said, "Girls
I ain't as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was"

Later that night, Eric was thoroughly embarrassing a trio of men at the pool table as Charles watched. He sunk the 8 ball cleanly, grinning as one of the men lined up his next shot and missed completely. The men began yelling at him, and he pointed at Eric and said something about mutants. The three began advancing on him. "Charles? A hand here?" asked Magneto, backing into the table.

I still hang out with my best friend Ric
I've known him since we were kids at school
Last night he had a few shots, got in a tight spot
Hustlin' a game of pool with a couple of redneck boys
One great big bad biker man
I heard Eric yell across the room
"Hey buddy, how 'bout a helping hand"

Charles sighed in exasperation and rose from the wheelchair, walking calmly over to his friend's side. "Isn't there some way to resolve this peaceably, gentlemen?" he asked, laying a hand on Eric's shoulders. The men laughed. "Like hell, mutie! We know what you are! Sideshow freak!" spat the tallest of the trio. Charles sighed and shifted positions, sending a message to Eric to get ready.

I said, "Dave
I ain't as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don't look all that tough
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was"

Charles returned to the mansion later that night sore enough to beat Hell and about to drop from being so worn out. The school was quiet, one of the girls framed in the light of an upstairs window as she let down her hair. He wheeled slowly back up to his room, Mystique padding in and jumping up on the bed. He petted her, and she meowed insistently. He ignored her, waiting until morning to hear her report on all that went wrong.

I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was a younger man
Now my body says, "You can't do this boy"
But my pride says, "Oh yes you can"

The next morning, Charles surveyed the damage. A hole in the wall here, a few missing patches of hair there, and a depleted refrigerator were the worst of the damage. "And how was your night, Charles?" asked Hank with the air of someone who knew exactly what had happened. The professor laughed. "Oh, nothing much. Had a few drinks with an old friend. What's the crime in that?" He wheeled away chuckling to himself, leaving a thoroughly confused and scandalized student population behind him.

I ain't as good as I once was
That's just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I'm feelin' bulletproof
So don't double dog dare me now
'Cause I'd have to call your bluff

"Same time next week then, Eric?" Charles asked into the phone. "Yes, I think so... We'll have to be more careful next time, though." was the other man's response. "I'm getting questions about the bruise on my arm." Charles laughed. "Yes, I think the students are starting to get suspicious." Eric chuckled under his breath. "Will you ever tell them?" "That I can still kick some serious butt? Not unless I have to, Ric. Not unless I have to."

I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was
May not be good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was...