Summary: Fangirls, taxes, and a little bit of cleavage. "Oi, Sakura-chan! Is that what taxonomy means?" SasukexSakura Crack-drabble.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Yet.
Taxonomy
Sakura slammed her economics textbook shut with a newly manicured hand.
"Hey…Sasucakes."
Naruto looked up from his biology notes scattered across the foot of the bed and sniggered. Sasuke merely grunted, indicating her high pitched voice had indeed reached under his earphones.
"So…I was watching the news yesterday about our country's new record debt."
A whiff of shrimp ramen was sent Sakura's way as Naruto closed the lid of his instant food and scooted into the heart of the conversation. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at this rare, intelligent prompt for a conversation.
"And there was that major televised Senate debate about how to raise more money for the country, and do you know what they decided? Do you, Sasuke?"
Sakura gestured animatedly with her hands, pointing at her dirt-poor blond college friend. Of course, Sasuke knew what they decided. He was late to class that day, forced to walk to Starbucks for a large decaf instead as she ushered him out, eyes glued to the TV screen. Of course he'd come back (with a decaf iced mocha latte in hand) to see what had occupied so much of Sakura's attention that wasn't him.
" They voted on forcing more taxes upon poor, regular people like us! " She huffed indignantly.
"Those assholes. I hope they get skewered in a corner at night."
Both Naruto and Sasuke wisely chose not to interrupt their fiery friend. Their campus prioritized safety for its students, and God knew how'd they react to a girl with two dead roommates. Instead, Sasuke pulled out his other earphone and Naruto pretended to be very passionate about the bloody termination of government officials.
"Do you even know how they use our tax money? They use it so the IRS and other governmental people can fund their secret excursions to their mistresses! And for golf!"
Sakura whined."Money, sex, and golf, who wouldn't be envious..."
Sasuke coughed lightly.
"…and then I epiphanied!" She squealed happily.
"Three words, my dears, and we could be as rich as them,"
Sakura cleared her throat and gestured toward an abiotically-looking Sasuke.
"Tax. Sasuke's. Fangirls!"
Naruto cocked his head as a silence fell upon the trio, typing into his calculator.
"…Damn, that'd be a lot of money coming in every April."
"I KNOW! Am I smart or am I smart!"
Sasuke shut his eyes and ran a hand through his raven hair. Green eyes looked up at him and pouted, brimming with actress tears and promises of wonderful riches (and those leather gloves she had had her eyes glued to last week).
"Aren't you supposed to be reading your textbook right now?" He sighed and leaned back against Sakura's bedpost, rubbing the bridge of his nose. She didn't seem to hear him and only sat up straighter, her feet kicking Naruto's notes to the floor. Naruto's loud words of protest went unnoticed to the two of them.
"With my Super-easy Foolproof Money Making Plan, sweetheart, we won't even have to work, and money'll come rushing in like crazy--"
(--Sasuke was vaguely and unamusedly reminded of a TV Guide commercial.)
"--and then Naruto could afford an actual engagement ring for Hinata, and then treat her to an actual restaurant for every day of the rest of their lives!"
Naruto beamed simplistically at the mention of his girlfriend as Sasuke rolled his eyes dispassionately, looking pointedly at Sakura's homework pile. Sakura bounced on the bed happily and sighed, oblivious.
"Maybe I could even buy that Starbucks down the road, and damn, I could temporarily own every hot guy that steps foot onto its heavenly floor tiles!"
At this, Sasuke dropped his disinterested façade with a glare –Was that a pout? Naruto thought briefly- as she continued, unfazed.
"Then I'd buy that road down to those frat houses…"
Sasuke kicked her shin not too gently.
"...Shut your jealously up, Sasuke!"
She haphazardly fingered the promise ring that Sasuke had bought her.
"…Ooh, and their mamas' house too, cuz who wouldn't love me as their future in-law anyway, as adorable and smart as I am, you know?" She pointed out offhandly.
That was it. The harassed boy turned innocently toward Sakura and pushed her off the bed. Naruto put down his taxonomy flashcards and shuddered at growl that had undoubtably emerged from below. And being Sasuke's best (only) friend, he grabbed his ramen and prepared to enjoy the effects of Sasuke's…tendencies.
"Sakura, don't bring my mother into this." He snapped smartly.
Sakura recovered quickly and climbed back onto the bed, too gently and with a smile too toothy to appear benign. Sasuke glared back as Naruto swiftly grabbed his notes from the warzone and shook his head in mock sympathy. Sasuke was gonna get Hell for this, perhaps for days this time --depending on how far he exercised his bastardness-- with Sakura on his tail with a knife.
" 'Kay, Sakura, Bastard, I'm right here so don't get too fired--"
"Sasucakes, I wasn't talking about your mother." She said sweetly.
He glared. "Well, I'll be damned if I'm not the only,"
Naruto made a slitting gesture to his neck with his chopsticks.
Sasuke cleared his throat boldly.
"The only hot guy who would notice you." He said with challenging stare. He leaned back and crossed his arms.
Sakura dropped all previous facades and growled lowly.
"—Oh shit, uh, guys, Naruto your bestest buddy doesn't want to heal any broken faces today, so be good--"
Sakura was on all fours now as she made her way toward Sasuke's indifferent face.
"Just what makes you think I can't get any other hot guy?" She whispered dangerously into his ear. Sasuke seemed unfazed, but Naruto thought he saw him shiver and shrink his arm into his torso just slightly, and couldn't surpress his loud chuckle at his best friend's impending misfortune.
Sasuke gritted his teeth, outwardly unabashed.
"Because, Sakura honey, you are the most anno--"
But Naruto wasn't grooming for Class President-Elect for nothing, and he needed his best campaigner and cheerleader, well, alive for a while.
"SAKURA-CHAN! I am totally in love with your train of thought with hot guys and coffee and what are the specifics of this awesome plan that you will share with us now?" Naruto blurted tactfully.
Sasuke glared at him fiercely.
Sakura seemed to buy into Naruto's pleading eyes, because all the tension drained from her body immediately and she bounced up and down again, a mischievous smile forming across her face.
"Okay. Oh my God, you're not gonna believe how much money we'd get. Okay, you both listening?"
Sasuke mentally cursed himself for being so delicious.
"Okay. All we do is mail an envelope to every girl in Konoha, and in his beautiful penmanship of course, Sasuke could ask for, oh, 10 percent of their annual salary. Our claim will be that all the proceeds will go toward his weekly beautification ceremony or something. And then after The Long Wait, Naruto and I will be RICH as a mofo like Sasuke over here!"
"Males would be good too, if you know any that are gay." Sakura remarked offhandedly, as Sasuke blanched at the indecency of her whole plan.
"Please?"
Naruto sighed in relief and looked smug at his peacemaking. Sasuke breathed out tiredly, and Sakura leaned forward with eyes that had won him over many times before, exposing a bit of cleavage in the process.
A long moment passed, neither person wavering in their stance.
Then Naruto, placatingly:
"Whatever gets me the money, man."
Then he shook his head, muttering lovebirds.
And then a light bulb went off in his brain.
"Oi, Sakura-chan! Is that what taxonomy means?"
Sakura unleashed a silky laughter, and Sasuke's eyes immediately softened as she fell onto his chest, and both Sakura and Sasuke knew that no matter who won this dispute, watching Naruto fail biology would be something they'd both be looking very, very forward to.
Finished: 3/30/10 1:20 AM
Edit 1: 3/30/10 9:24 PM
Edit 2: 4/10/10 10:48 PM
Wow. Major tonal shift from to be continued, and my first shot at anything remotely like a crackfic. So Sasuke's probably OOC. D:
Comments and criticisms are all welcome,
OrangeChocolate