Weighty Dreams
I dreamt that my cat died. It wasn't like the last one, this one was mine; I'd named it, fed it and taught it. It slept in my bed, curled beside me, claws kneading my flesh, leaving small scratches, but I didn't care; I loved it. For once in my life I wanted to be selfish, to be the only one who could play with it, someone it could rely on…had to rely on maybe, I'm not sure. Kasai had said I was like a kid wanting the same shinny new toy everyone else had, but he was wrong, this was something no one else could ever have, this was for me and me alone.
In the dream my cat had followed me to one of my jobs. It was just a delivery job, no need to worry, so I let it tag along. It was talkative to me, but when anyone else spoke to it he'd hiss at them and hide behind my coat. It was cute really, one of those funny times when you smile and pet his head and say 'good boy' and he looks at you like your crazy, indulging the weird man who takes care of it, but you know at any time he, being a cat and all, can just get up and leave, no second thoughts, so you pet it a bit longer than normal, hoping to show your affection through your actions. Praying it gets through.
We were crossing the street when it happened, a car came around the corner too fast; I tried to push him out of the way, but it was too late, he was already gone and all I could do was hold him and cry. Cry, for the first time in my life I actually cried in front of others. I always thought I'd go first, shot up or beaten down, something, but for this to happen, it was just so ordinary, like he didn't deserve to go out in some spectacular light show or something. I just felt so lost, like a part of me had been shredded, not torn apart, that stuff in the movies is crap, this felt like someone had gone in with a machete and played Rambo or something. My heart throbbed…memories mixed with could-be dreams…everything hurt.
It was during this portion of the dream that I woke up, sweating and shaking, tears wetting my cheeks, falling onto the bed sheets. I pushed the damp hair roughly out of my eyes as cool arms gently slid around my side, pulling me against his thin chest.
"Kubo-chan…it's ok, it's all over now."
Slowly I started to relax, lulled by his calm breathing and the steady beat of his heart against my back. His raven hair brushed my shoulder as he dropped feather light kisses across my back. For the first time I completely let my guard down, leaning against him for strength and soothing.
It wasn't long until I was back to my normal collected self and we went back to bed, for this one night though, it was me holding tightly onto him, praying that my emotions got though, if not by my words, than at least my the weight of my flesh. I just wanted him to know what I felt, without telling him what I feared. I wanted my cat to be happy for as long as I had him…what's wrong with that?