Withdrawal

Hey guys!

Finally I am back with a new Blacklist story. As there was no (physical) Ressler whump for now I decided to write this story before (hopefully) starting the Ressler whump Season 2 story. Nevertheless I LOVE the new storyline for our favorite agent! He final seams human...something I had really missed in Season 1.
I really think his character development is outstanding in this season and the chemistry between him and Liz...I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!

I really hope you like the new story and please please please please leave a review so I know if you like the story.

Remember English isn't my fist language and I am working pretty hard on this story so if it's possible don't be to hard for some spelling and grammatical errors.

Despite that I have to thank AUSSIEOKIE for spoilering me with the latest scenes and developments. Without her this story wouldn't be possible! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I sooooo love to discuss our Agent with you :o)

So now enough from me. Hope you will enjoy reading it!

Chapter 1 – Pain

Ressler looked up from his paperwork tiredly as Liz knocked on their office door. He cracked a half hearted smile before lowering his head again. He was ashamed for what had happened in Warsaw and he was just more than thankful that Liz hadn't talked to Cooper about his failure.

„I am sorry." Liz said looking deeply into Ressler's eyes.
„For what?"

„In the Taxi in Warsaw...I came at you pretty hard. When Katja was down you talked her through the worst. We could have lost her."

Pictures of Audrey swept back into his mind.

Audrey.

He hadn't been able to save her. She was gone. She had been bleeding badly too but he hadn't even been able to talk to her more than a second before he had lost her forever. The blood from her stomach. Their unborn child. Ressler tried not to choke on the image, not to wince in pain.

Pain – That was all he was feeling.

Meera.

He could still feel all the blood socking through his fingers. The cut throat. The pain on her face.

Pain – That was all they had been feeling.

Katja.

What if he had failed saving her live too? All this woman he should have protected in the first place. Her goodbyes. The way he had told her that she wasn't going to die.

The scream of pain as he had saved her from bleeding to death.

Pain – That was all that he had done for them.

Liz.

Today Liz's life had been in danger just because he hadn't been able to move, because his drugged mind hadn't been able to react as the chaos began. What if he had lost her too? She was by far the only friend he had ever had despite of Audrey and Bobby of course. The way she had screamed his name full of pain.

Pain – That was all he deserved.

Ressler could feel Liz eyes still resting on him. He knew that she was suspicious. She had been since he had been late for work. He had never been late for work but the pain had just been to much. He just hadn't been able to get out off his bed until the pills had finally kicked in and kept him upright for another day of his life.

He closed his eyes just for a minor second to get his walls back up, to not give away his emotions. Something he was usually quite good at.

"You are right. I was amazing." He said, a bright faked smile on his face. Liz just rolled her eyes, laughing at his words. She needed to believe that he was already. He couldn't just tell her what was going on, it was his problem, not hers.

Ressler turned a little to make sure Liz had really left his office before he got the pills out of his desk. He closed his eyes and tried to fight back the urge to take them, to feel better, to forget that he had risked Liz life today. Ressler jaw tightened. He knew that he needed to stop all of this but he just couldn't.

It had all started as he had woken up in the hospital. The pain in his leg had been constantly killing him. With Audrey by his side he had done his best to make a full recovery even if the doctors had always told him that it wasn't something he should concentrate on, that he should focus on being able to walk without a cane someday. He had returned to work way to fast and Cooper had been the Boss he had always been. Ressler was an Agent and he needed him in the field, even with his injury. And with that it had all started. He had started to take painkillers back then...to get back to the job, to give 100 percent again. After a while he had been able to reduce them and finally he had been able to get his job done even with the constant pain he was feeling in his leg. He wasn't a wimp. He had never been a wimp. And Audrey had been there, pointing out that she was worried about him and the medication and so he had stopped.

And then Audrey had died and with her his unborn child. He had pretended that he was doing okay but how was a person suppose to deal with losing the love of his life, his unborn child and his two best friends in only one day? He had started to take the pills again. First of all to stop the aching sensation in his leg but despite that to fill the complete emptiness in his life.

And then Meera had died under his watch. He had told her to split up, he hadn't protected her. How was a person supposed to deal with that? He didn't have any answers and soon the pills became his only friend filling the emptiness in his life.

Since a few hours Ressler was completely aware of the fact that he had lost control, that he had been lying to himself for so long. He couldn't just stop taking them, even if he was still forcing his mind to believe he was. Without thinking any further Ressler took two more pills. He needed to finish his paper work and without them he wasn't even able to sit on his chair for a second longer. His leg was killing him again. One of the weird things in taking the painkillers was the fact that the pain was nearly not dealable when they where wearing off. With Audrey by his side he had been able to work through the day without any pills, now he was just feeling pain without them.

Ressler knew that his mind was playing tricks on him but the pain felt just real and he couldn't stand it anymore.

Gladly it wasn't a problem for him to get the pills. He just needed to change the doctor, show them his leg and tell them what had happened and he would get his prescription without any more questions asked.

How much he hated himself everytime he came out of a drug store with a new bottle of pills in his hand. He felt ashamed for lying and he felt like crap. Just like he had told the psychologist. He felt like crap constantly. Lying to Liz wasn't making this feeling any better. Ressler couldn't know that he would get himself and Liz into real trouble soon...

As Ressler got home in the evening the events of Warsaw completely mixed with the images of Audrey lying in his arms, bleeding to death. He kept seeing Liz bleeding, screaming his name, begging for help. Ressler hurried towards the toilette throwing up violently. How much longer he would be able to life like this? He crawled together in front of the toilette. This room felt save now. It was cold, empty and desolate...the perfect picture of his life right now.

….to be continued!

So guys, let me know...did you like the beginning? Do you want me to continue?