Catharsis Reimagined

by GOLDRAGON08

Life is a conundrum for the shy and depressed Naruto. He has a crap job, social anxiety, and self image issues galore. But he is approaching 30 and it is time to start dating. Will he find love or is he doomed to monotony and loneliness? Will the internet guide him to a lover or a serial killer? SasuNaru, ChojiNaru. Some mild GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, LeeNaru but barely... thank gosh

1. Chapter 1

Hello Readers,

I will start off by saying that I started this story a long time ago and had issues trying to decided on the main characters. I had to take time to sit down and revamp it a bit so, no, this is not the first time I posted this story. However, I did modify a few things and now I feel that I am ready to write it. This story is partly autobiographical. Of course, some artistic licenses were taken in making characters fit situations and or changing information to make it a more interesting read, but I tried to match them as well to their real life counterparts as possible. I love Naruto fanfics and I love SasuNaru even more and I thought this would translate well to a story about them. I was in a dark place at this time in my life and I made many mistakes. I am finding it very CATHARTIC (hence the title) to just sit down and type things. It helps me get perspective. So I will not specify what is real and what isn't, that's not the point. So if you have any suggestions on how I can make it a better story feel free to express it. HOWEVER. One thing I hate is when readers tell me "I don't agree with what this character said or how they did it" or my favorite "I don't think this character would have done this". I COULDN'T CARE LESS. If you want a different type of story the go find one, or better yet write your own. And if you want character authenticity then stick to the anime. Constructive criticism is welcome since I cannot become a better writer without it. That being said I hope you enjoy my story and I will try to update when I can.

Sincerely,

Goldragon08

Cathersis

The night was quiet as he sat there letting MTV slowly liquefy his brain. The old, worn, tan leather sofa cradled his sore back as his arms and legs sprawled haphazardly in the ultimate pose of lethargy. But he was waiting. Contrary to what his comfortable pose would suggest there was always a part of him that remained alert and tense in anticipation. It was always just a matter of time before…

"Naruto!"

Blue eyes fluttered closed in resignation as the nasally screechy voice shot through the intercom. He glared heatedly at the annoying electric black box before hefting his six foot, 230 pound frame off the couch. He half hurried down the hall passing an old, honey colored wooden dinette on his left and a living room colored in pinks and whites on his right. He peeked into the small guest bedroom checking and making sure his elderly ward was breathing. Seeing the gentle rise and fall of the old man's chest he tiptoed by and proceeded to walk into the master bedroom.

There laid on her back in all her elderly glory was his client; Mrs. Kurenai. 83. Polio, spinal cancer survivor and M.S. victim. Her withered right hand, the result of a stroke suffered years ago, shook its chicken wing-like form as if it had a mind of its own. Her, limp salt and pepper hair dangled thin and lifeless by her ears doing nothing to hide the brown eyes shining in the t.v. lit room. Naruto pasted a fake smile on that nearly cracked his face.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked conversationally. The grey, wrinkled face lifted and softened into a smile. Yellowed teeth with enamel worn to the pulp made Naruto shiver at the sight.

"Yeah you have to get me ready for bed."

Naruto's smile nearly faultered. Mrs. Kurenai always had a way of making a simple request sound like an order and Naruto never did take it kindly to being bossed around. He caught his dropping smile and pinned it back up before she could notice the mood transition.

"Ok no problem." He turned around and marched into the adjoining en suite bathroom dutifully grabbing what he needed. Adult diaper, adult diaper pad, A&D ointment, baby powder, baby wipes, toilet paper. He placed the items at the foot of the bed where he could reach them conveniently before returning to the bathroom and getting the most important item… latex gloves. He cursed under his breath as the cheap material broke with a loud SNAP as he slipped one on.

"What happened?" Mrs. Kurenai demanded from the bed.

"Nothing."

He returned to the bedside and pulled the bedclothes off her squat, petite form. Smiling complacently as she spoke about matters he could care less about ranging from the sad points of the evening news to the shortcomings of his coworkers. He pulled the sticky tabs off her diaper anticipating the damage by the telltale smell of rotten eggs. He pulled back the material revealing the pepper sprinkle of coarse hair surrounding a cleft full of pudding-like shit. His smile quivered in an attempt to keep from frowning.

"Is it dirty?" she asked over her shoulder.

He simply made and unintelligible grunt and rolled her on her side. He found that working from the back to the front minimized work and mess. With a skill honed from nine sad years of experience, he lifted the top ass cheek with his left hand while wiping at the filled crack with the right. The toilet paper neatly folded in his grasp soiling quickly with each swipe. He tossed the dirty material into the waste basket and grabbed more, repeating the process until most of the shit was gone. He then grabbed a few baby wipes and dabbed at her loose, gaping anus until she was squeaky clean. He rubbed a generous portion of ointment along the crevice and the ass cheeks to keep that damnedable rash from returning and making sure to slather a good amount around a developing bed sore. He tucked a fresh diaper under her hip making sure the sticky tab was shoved under far enough to be reached from the other side. He sprinkled a bit of baby powder on the diaper and couldn't help but think how stupid the action was since old people stank no matter what the fuck you put on them. It was a scent that he had be paid to breathe since he graduated from high school. He rolled her onto her back and used his thumb and forefinger to spread her labia, frowning almost imperceptivity.

"It's gotten inside of you." he stated lacklusterly. He grabbed another baby wipe and draped it around the tips of his fingers before cleaning around her clitoris and inside of her vagina and couldn't help but hate his life. The first vagina he had ever touched and she was nearly three times his age. A soft fart bubbled from her behind and escaped from the front, the rancid air hitting his wrist. He made no comment, but simply slathered the ointment around her womanhood and secured the diaper in a matter of seconds.

"I want to go on my side for a while."

"Ok." he agreed happy that he didn't have to voice the suggestion. With a life of sitting in a hover round chair and laying in a hospital bed, keeping bed sores at bay was a difficult task. Even after Naruto put her on her side she still would sneak and call her husband to pull the pillows away that Naruto stacked to prop her up. The frustration never ends.

He maneuvered around the hospital bed and walked over to the twin sized bed beside it where her husband used to sleep. After many nights of being woken up by Kurenai's dictating and the aids moving about he had deigned to sleep in the guest room. Naruto didn't blame him. He pulled the spare pillows from the bed and went back to Mrs. Kurenai's bed. He slowly turned her to her side again and propped her on her up using the pillows as leverage. He made sure to place one between her semi-paralyzed legs.

"How's that? Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah just… get me my purse."

Rolling his eyes in the darkness he began handing her the myriad of things she "absolutely needed" to sleep. The telephone, her purse, the remote control, the intercom (which took everything in his will reserves not to throw against the wall as hard as he could) a box of Kleenex, her grabber and her phone book. He felt free to relax the fake smile from his face since she was facing away and took pleasure in imagining holding one of those pillows down over her face until she could never call for him again. She coughed dryly as she fumbled with the Kleenex.

" (cough, cough) I'm choking. I need water."

Naruto had said time and time again that had she really been choking she wouldn't be able to tell him so. But rather than deal with the irritation of repeating himself, he simply grabbed her childlike sippy cup and held it out for her. She grabbed it without a thank you (not that he expected one) and wrapped her thin, barely there lips around the plastic straw drinking as greedily as an 83 year old woman can. She handed him back the cup with a whispered "yeah" of satisfaction and he curled his lip at the unidentifiable brown residue left on the straw before setting it on her portable, collapsible bedside table.

"Ok all set. Just call me when you need me." he said in a way that sounded like he truly meant it.

"Ok."

He walked back down the hall noting that the old man had closed his bedroom door for the night. He plopped back down onto the sofa and stared at the tv screen.

"Well, time for American Dad."

Even though he had seen every single episode ten times over, thanks to the awesomeness of Netflix, he could never get tired of the show. Mix in a little Family Guy and King of the Hill and he was in business. He grabbed his phone from his side and checked the time. Midnight. Still eight hours to go. Whoever thought giving any human being a twelve hour shift was okay needed to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts.

With steel toed work boots.

As he watched the hilarious antics of Roger the Alien he couldn't help but fall back into the same self criticizing funk that he rarely got a chance to escape. Here he was, 27 years old and bordering on 28 with a shit job as a maid/ass wiper, a college senior with a budding bachelors degree in art and art studio (although his drawing skills were nothing to brag on), no lover, and an inferiority complex to top it off. But the icing on the cake? Naruto was a virgin. Even though the part of him that had been spoon fed Christian ideals from the cradle thought it was beautiful and something to be proud of, the other side of him couldn't fathom how he could possibly be any more pathetic. He saw it as the only thing within him that was still good. The last remaining inch of purity. He hated the human race yet Christianity was comprised of love, forgiveness, self sacrifice and humility. As he would sit Sunday after Sunday listening to sermons that were made to simultaneously scold and encourage him telling of both the infinite mercies and infinite wrath of the God he served. It all sounded the same to him and that unappreciation in and of itself was a sin. His religious doubt was a sin. His desire to kill the old bat in the next room was a sin. His sexual outlet of porn and masturbation was a sin. To even look at someone and lust was a sin. Of course he was gay and that was a sin. All the cards were against him and he came to the conclusion that there was nothing that he could do about it. Of course the whole point of Christianity was to strive for the unattainable; to try to be perfect yet to keep the perspective that you will never be. He was in a constant state of confusion in that he was the salt of the earth and yet his good deeds were nothing more than filthy rags in the sight of God.

"Ugh…"

He was giving himself a headache so he decided to stop dwelling on it. It never got him anywhere anyway. Religious people would tell him to pray about it, none believers would call him and idiot, and those confused sons of bitches caught in the middle would tell him everything in the middle and beyond. This inability to find understanding never failed to remind Naruto just how utterly alone he was and how long he had felt this way. His dad was gone, his mom was losing her mind, he was stuck in a job he hated with people he hated even more, and his best friend was a gorgeous success. Ah, TenTen. The tall, statuesque, beauty with the runway body. 5'10 and a size 6 and style that matched her attitude. Her soft hair always bounced in the breeze while his own was naturally coarse and weirdly curly and an uncommon shade of bright blond. Whenever he was near her he felt hopelessly inferior and yet she was his best friend of 13+ years. He knew that jealousy was a low road and not worth the travel but he always wished for a bit of misfortune for her. He glanced down at his phone a read a text that just came in.

"My tummy hurts" it read. He mentally thanked TenTen for the personal update and didn't honor that with a reply. She had just managed to get her masters degree in psychology and was a social worker of sorts for children of needy families. A success that gave back to the community. Could she be more perfect? Did he mention that she was engaged to a preacher's son? God why can't a criminal cut her face or something? But hell she'd probably find a way to make that work too. Probably rock the whole bad girl with a battle scar thing.

Sigh

Naruto hated his life. He hated life in general. It wasn't fair. But then again no one ever promised that life would be fair. But there was something more that he hated than people and life.

He hated himself.

He was awkwardly built teetering on the brink of fat. It was no wonder why no one wanted him. So he usually just sucked it up, threw on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and didn't often try. He was a failure. Everything he did usually ended in failure and he was tired. The only being he could think to blame other than himself was God who he told he hated at least every other week. The bible claimed that all things belong to God. That God does not directly cause us suffering but allows Satan to tempt us so that through our shortcomings so we may learn to depend on him. Kind of like a parent letting a wayward teen leave with nothing but the clothes on their backs and a dream, knowing that they will fuck up and come crawling back with a little less pride. Life was all a big staging area and God was enjoying the show. If Naruto could, he would wash his hands of the whole lot of it. He would be done with religion and live as… what? Exactly. As far as he knew there was no where else to go. He always believed that his religion was right. Some would think he was closed minded but to himself he was tenacious and firm in his belief and it was only apparent when someone second guessed it. Like a child ignoring a toy until another child decided to play with it. That was another one of Naruto's shortcomings. He was never one to back down and didn't know when to quit when it came to people being assholes. He would run his mouth all night as was evident by his trash talking to other trash talkers on youtube. The big mouth, pompus bastards! Who the fuck cared to debate if Twilight was better than Fright Night?

Anyway…

He knew all too well that he was fucked up as far as his mind and his life went and he couldn't see an immediate way to get out of it. All he knew was that he was too cowardly to slit his wrists or swallow pills and plus he couldn't face God in his current situation. It was a strange conundrum to want to die and yet to fear the other side. He was tired of the confusion.

BEEP! BEEP!

"Naruto? Naruto!"

SIGH.

You there baby?"

"Yeah. I'm getn ready to leave work. Im surprised ur up lol."

"I couldn't sleep 2 good. Had to sleep on the sidewalk again."

"Baby u kno I h8 that. U make me worry."

"Don't worry baby I'll be alrite. Nobody messes with me."

"Ur always da tuff guy. U can't win every fight Koi."

"Well I have sum1 who cares about me now so im careful."

"awww ur awesome baby."

"my phone is dying. I wont be able to tex while. Hard to charge when u live outside."

"Im gonna miss u baby. I love u :,-("

"I will miss u 2 baby. Love u."

Disheartened, Naruto placed his phone carefully in his pocket. Mrs. Kurenai was freshly changed and the morning shift would be there any minute. He took a quick glance at the clock. Five after eight. By right he could leave now, but his sense of responsibility always got the best of him. He couldn't bring himself to leave the old lady unattended no matter how much he hated her. And boy did he HATE her. His ward's phone rang in a telltale signaling someone buzzing at the front door. He heard Mrs. Kurenai fumble with her phone which always had to be placed at her side. Naruto wrapped his scarf securely around his neck and donned his cotton black coat wincing at the fact that it was covered in lint. He could never seem to keep it as immaculate as he wanted.

"Hey Naruto!" Alice greeted warmly as he walked through the door. She was every bit of five feet tall and not an inch taller but she was strong as an ox in both mind and spirit. She could pull and position Kurenai without batting an eyelash and often tossed the old lady around like a rag doll without causing a bruise or pain. Since she was the oldest worker in the group and had the most experience everyone naturally looked up to her.

"Hey Alice what's been up?"

"Oh you kno, same old same old. How's Kurenai doing?"

"(sigh) You know how her old ass is. Always finding something to complain about. She has a cold and has been hollering about being unable to breath and saying she's choking and shit. Hell, just go ahead and choke!"

"Hahaha yeah I feel you! So she's been tripping all night?"

"Yeah I didn't sleep. She had enough nerve to say I didn't hear her calling me. Like hell she called me! I'm right down the hall. So rather than just call me she turned the television volume all the way up. So I went in to see what the fuck she was doing and she says 'I had to wake somebody up'. Bitch I wasn't even sleeping! Then she said she couldn't find the intercom but it was lying on her stomach. She can reach the fucking tv remote but she couldn't reach the damn intercom? I can't wait to get another job I swear."

"Yeah she's full of shit and we all know it. Literally actually. She has been constipated and kept asking for ExLax the other day. Hell even her kids and her husband know she's not right it but they spoiled her."

"Yeah, obviously. Oh, and don't worry about her being full of shit. She dropped a monster deuce last night. I was wrist deep in it."

BEEP!

"Naruto! Are you making coffee?" the old bat called from the front room. Naruto rolled his eyes and Alice gave him a sweet smile, her crooked teeth making her imperfectly beautiful.

"Don't worry about it I got it." She shed her coat and tossed it on an empty chair all in one smooth motion as she sped walked down the hallway. Naruto tiredly flopped onto the couch and gathered his wits before the drive home listening passively to the chatting women down the hall.

"Hi Kurenai. Whatchu want?" Alice asked cheerfully. Her southern accent always made Naruto smile.

"Oh it's you! Hi! Yeah get me half a slice of toast with butter and jam. And I need coffee." (who the fuck eats half a slice of toast?)

"Oh ok. Howd'ya sleep?"

"I slept ok." the elder replied. Naruto couldn't help but roll his eyes at the lie knowing that she only sleeps from 12 am to 4.

"Ok ima get your breakfast. You got any appointments today?"

"No, nothing. I might go out today."

Naruto cringed at remembering shopping with the old lady time and time before and he couldn't help but sympathize for Alice. But his motto always was 'better them than me'. For anyone who likes going down each isle in the store and having their old companion point out random things asking "what's that" then power to you, but Naruto never had the patience for that crap. Alice breezed into the kitchen speaking loudly so Naruto could hear.

"So my grandson called me this mornin' talkin' bout he miss his baby's mama. Man I told his dumb ass to let that heffa go. All she been doin' is fuckin' behind his back and shit. I don't know why he can't let the shit go."

"Oh wow." Naruto replied not really knowing what more to say. It always surprised him that she was a grandmother. Her carefree attitude and always available smile made her look younger. In face to be precise she looked like a younger, prettier version of CCH Pounder. She never failed to update him on the soap opera lives of her family while Naruto never had much to tell.

"Yeah he is just like his grandfather. Me and my husband haven't been together in years. I got my room and he has his. He can fuck whoever he wants to as long as he keep his shit on the down low, you know?"

"Yeah I see."

"Yeah and I got a friend I go to when I got needs, you kno? I mean we been friends for years and he wanted a relationship but I ain't trying to spark nothing there. He just takes care of me once a month and that's that." she spoke as she prepped the coffee maker, dropping the filter in place and measuring the coffee.

"Yeah well… Im a virgin so I just do me, you get what I'm saying?" Naruto replied with a lecherous smile and wink. Alice snickered at the not so subtle innuendo.

"Hell yeah we've all been there. Just keep doing what you're doing baby."

"Yup, will do. I'm gonna go so lemme get my ass in gear."

"Ok babe have a good one and I will talk to you later."

"Ok."

Naruto dragged down the long hall of the expensive apartment building. The clean, paisley print of the rug always sort of made him dizzy and there was always the smell of fresh paint. He stopped briefly at the trash compactor and dropped in a bag full of shit covered diapers and baby wipes. He tread down the stairs waving at the cleaning lady as he walked out the glass doors. He was tired from his sleepless night as his car looked so far away. He loved that car. A 2001 Chevy Tracker he just finished paying for. It was a nice blood red, his favorite color next to orange. He had found that baby on a lot for $5000. His brother said it was girly but it was smooth and sensible so he tossed in a $3500 down payment the next day. Thank God for college money. He paid at least $125 every two weeks and in no time the car was his. He loved his ride even without power steering which decided to go out over the summer. If he saved up he could afford the $300 it would take to repair it but with credit card bills always rolling in it was hard to save for anything. He climbed into the car and made his way toward the highway for the 20 minute drive home in the robotic fashion of someone who has done it way too many times.

He tiptoed up the stairs trying to overstep every stair that would creak under his weight shifting his heavy backpack over his shoulder. He made a short stop to kick off his shoes on the first landing and walked silently up to the second. He fiddled with his keys wincing when he dropped them damning himself for his clumsiness and managed to unlock the door and creep inside.

"There's my baby!"

(groan)

"How was work sweetie pie?" his mother chirped from her bed. Naruto stepped in onto the dirty pink carpet of her bedroom. "Aww you look tired."

"I AM tired. That old lady didn't sleep last night so neither did I." he groused as he sat at the foot of her bed mindful of her feet.

"What you say? You say she didn't sleep?" she asked closing one crow's footed eye as if it would help her hear him.

"Yes."

"Yes she did sleep?"

"No mom she DIDN'T sleep." he said impatiently.

"I'm sorry that I can't hear." she said testily. Naruto sighed and closed his eyes wanting to be anywhere but there at the moment. "You need to be more understanding of my condition. I got one lung! My vision has gone bad! I can't walk straight…"

"OK! GOD! I haven't slept mom! Please!"

"okokok. Hmm. Well I didn't sleep either. I just sat here watching the same movie over and over again, this Gilbert Grape. Look can you believe he been having sex with that old lady? Have you seen this movie?"

"Yeah mom." he lied.

"Oh. Well his fat mama lay up in bed and don't help and poor Gilbert gotta take care of his retarded brother. Then the younger girl came and she can't get any."

"ok mom."

"Yeah and his mama so fat she can't go upstairs. But she got up to get her baby." Naruto only understood half of what she was talking about since he had heard her explain the movie two times before. She had obviously forgotten. He looked over his shoulder and looked at her small 5'8 frame. She looked fragile as she laid there carelessly in an undersized shirt and a pair of red panties. Her scalp visible through patches of sadly thin blond hair which did nothing to hide the scar behind her left ear. The cancer was gone but the effects continued to get worse. She struggled to sit up, her skin pulling away from her bones with gravity.

"Did you eat mom?" he asked already guessing the answer.

"What? Did I eat?"

"Yes mom what did you eat?"

"Um…. Uh…. Toast."

"…..toast?"

"Yeah and I put some of that uuhhh… that umm… balance…"

"Smart Balance?"

"Yeah Smart Balance."

Naruto heaved a sigh as he shed his coat. He walked into the adjoining bathroom and carefully washed his hands. Their home was pretty small: two bedrooms, no hallways. Just rooms next to rooms. His mother could plainly see the kitchen from her bedroom which had two adjacent doors with one leading to the kitchen and the other into the bathroom which had an adjacent door that led to the kitchen. That's one thing among many that Naruto hated about this house. If his mom dropped a deuce while he was eating his breakfast he would hear her farting on the toilet. She had the habit of leaving the door open to air out the room since the window didn't open so there was no secret as to how her shit smelled. It had gotten to the point that Naruto literally yelled at her and told her to keep her shit to herself. The situation never came up again.

He opened the fridge and peered inside. He grabbed a couple eggs , a few mushrooms and a random bag of grapes. Not the most conventional breakfast but its better than toast. He scrambled up the eggs slicing the mushrooms up and tossing them in. They had cheese and he could have made and omelette but mom had been lactose intolerant since her recovery. He tossed the eggs into a plate and sprinkled them with salt and pepper. He cleaned the grapes and set them beside the eggs and poured up a cup of lemonade. His mother sat waiting expectantly and her eyes lit up at the sight.

"Oh thank you baby! You always take care of your mama."

"uh huh." he said flatly as he sat the food on the bed and gingerly placed her drink on the bedside table.

He walked out the room and into the living room and laid down on the couch. His six foot frame had to bend to be accommodated. The cheap pleather had cracked and separated under his weight over the winter and his mother didn't hide the fact that she thought he owed her a new sofa set. The next room was at one time his own but hated the total lack of privacy in the small house. So with his college refund from his freshmen year he managed to buy drywall and wood for the attic which his father graciously helped him make livable. Unfortunately, his father who is known for cutting corners talked him out of drywall so the attic was always freezing in the winter and hot as hell in the summer.

The cat would always paw at the blanket when Naruto would burrow himself into the covers and would always let his furry little baby in and give his body heat to help the feline warm up. Then the cat would have its fill and leave the bed again only to decide to play all night and keep his owner awake. That cat gave Naruto no end of trouble. Damn uppity half Persian! It hurt him to take that beautiful cat to the shelter since it always smacked of abandoning a child but the cat had been so jealous! Always hissing and scratching when Naruto came in smelling of another animal but Naruto would be damned if he stopped feeding those poor strays because his Persian had a complex. Itoshii. That was his name. His orange and white little fur ball. He loved that cat and all others. Animals were his weakness.

He heard his mother begin the Gilbert Grape dvd again before she made her way into the kitchen. He hated the way she walked. Always hunched over like a woman in her nineties, her knees bent and drawing together as is magnetized. Her aging skin dimpling and folding and the panties did nothing to hide it. She gave him a child-like smile all teeth and mirth as she managed to laugh at herself.

"Look at me. I'm like and old lady. Lord Jesus help me." she said as she chuckled to herself. Well at least she managed to keep a sense of humor about things. Naruto didn't like the sight of her. The strong, healthy woman of his childhood was gone and seemingly overnight he was left to take care of this mother who was a shell of her former self.

(flashback)

Naruto sat in his pajamas on the floor, his legs stretched out in a wide V and a bowl of Berry Kix on the carpet between them. His eyes trained on the television not noticing the milk dripping beside the bowl as he lifted a spoonful to his lips. Just before he could put the spoon in his mouth the phone rang. He dropped the spoon into the bowl and hopped up running to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey boy."

Naruto lit up like a Christmas tree at his father's voice.

"Hey Daddy!"

"You doing ok?"

"Yeah I'm good. Just watching tv and eating cereal."

"Ok, well um… your mom wants to speak to you. Now you remember I explained that she's sick and she's tryna get better, so… she lost her memory and she can't remember us too good."

"Oh… ok?"

"Ok, here she is. She really wants to talk to you." There was a fumble on the other line as his dad passed the phone. He heard a soft 'Here you go, Tsunade' as his dad gave her the receiver.

"Hello?" the familiar voice spoke clearly over the phone.

"…Hi, mom." Naruto spoke a little uncertainly.

"Hi! I'm so excited to speak to you! They told me I have a son and I wanted to hear your voice,"

"Ok. How are you?"

"I'm feeling ok. There's so many people visiting me. I know their faces but I don't know their names. Your father… Kakashi was it?... He told me about you."

"…Oh. That must be weird."

"Yeah! Well it was nice talking to you."

"Yeah."

"I hope I can meet you soon."

"Ok… bye."

"Bye!" she chirped. Naruto hung up the phone and put the cordless receiver back on the charger. He walked down the hall and into his mother's room. As he always did, he laid her black and white plaid nightgown on her pillow and laid down on it caressing it with his cheek and his palm. It was then, at the age of ten, that he said goodbye to his mother."

(end flashback)

Life wasn't fair. His father was supposed to be taking care of her like any good husband would, but he had found himself some spry and healthy tail who could provide him with shelter and sex. Nothing changes.

"Oh Lord Jesus help me I gotta pee. Oh no oh noooo!" his mother's already hunched form bent even more in attempt to hold in the urine.

"Why do you always wait until you're in a tight?" he asked impatiently. He heard her flop onto the toilet with a sigh of relief and a soft fart.

"Oh thank you Jesus. Thank you!" she sighed in relief. Naruto tried to relax and let sleep take him. "Naruto come bring me toilet paper!" Since the closet that contained the toilet paper was right there next to her in the bathroom he chose to ignore her. Hell, she can drip dry for all he cared. He wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. He could never just relax and sleep, it took a while. "Naruto?" He sighed angrily and said nothing. "Naruto I know you can hear me!" no reply. "Speak walls!" Naruto wanted to die but what else was new? He heard the toilet flush and angry mumbles as she hobbled her way back into her bed hitting the play button on her dvd player. The sad, flat tone of Johnny Depp reached his ears and he frowned knowing he would be hearing this movie again and again until he slept and after he woke.

Life wasn't fair.

Naruto truly wanted to die. Sighing in resignation he grabbed his laptop and logged online thinking vaguely about how pissed mom has been about the phone bill. There was always complaints, always bitching, always misery. A few clicks later and he found himself on Craiglist. Nothing in the employment section. He was stuck cleaning shit or working in a clothing store.

He needed a drink.

He was always angry, always bitter, always thirsty for a nice hard drink to numb the pain. He had always been taught that if you live well, treat people how you wanted to be treated, and obey God's will then you will always live well. Yeah that was a crock of shit. He tried so hard not to hate God, the owner of the universe and beyond, but how could he not? It was an awkward relationship but he believed in nothing else. If he didn't believe in God he believed in nothing and there was truly nothing to live for, no point to life whatsoever. All he lived for was his mom and his job and both would be fine without him. There really was no one who loved him for who he was or what he had to offer but in truth that was his own fault. He was fat, awkwardly built, dull and without passion for life so who in their right mind would want him?

Hmm… that was a good question.

Naruto opened his own Craiglist account and made a personal profile typing in some details about himself, what he was looking for in a date and posting a picture. He second guessed posting the picture but it was only fair. Minutes later he had a post up in men seeking men and moved on to something else. He honestly wasn't expecting much since all the other weirdos on Craiglist just advertised for sex with dick and ass pics. Naruto was one of the few normal guys who made it clear that he wasn't looking for sex but for someone real but hell he may as well have been asking for the moon. He logged onto netflix and played American Dad. He could watch that show again and again and not tire of it. He curled up on the too small couch and turned away from the laptop just letting the sound lull him to sleep drowning out Ernie and Gilbert Grape. He passively pulled his phone out of his pocket and flipped it open seeing that his cyber boyfriend had text him 45 mins ago. He text back quickly hoping that the others phone hadn't died.

"You there baby?"

"Yeah. I just go in from work. Im surprised ur up lol."

"I couldn't sleep too good. Had to sleep on the sidewalk again."

"Baby u kno I h8 that. U make me worry."

"Don't worry baby I'll be alrite. Nobody messes with me."

"Ur always da tuff guy. U can't win every fight Koi."

"Well I have sum1 who cares about me now so im careful :)"

"awww ur awesome baby."

"my phone is dying. I wont be able to text while. Hard to charge when u live outside."

"Im gonna miss u baby. I love u :,-("

"I will miss u 2 baby. Love u.

Sighing in resignation he grabbed his laptop and logged online thinking vaguely about how pissed mom has been about the phone bill. There was always complaints, always bitching, always misery. A few clicks later and he found himself on Craiglist. Nothing in the employment section. He was stuck cleaning shit or working in a clothing store. Naruto needed a drink. He was always angry, always bitter, always thirsty for a nice hard drink to numb the pain. He had always been taught that if you live well, treat people how you wanted to be treated, and obey God's will then you will always live well. Yeah that was a crock of shit. He tried so hard not to hate God, the owner of the universe and beyond, but how could he not? It was an awkward relationship but he believed in nothing else. If he didn't believe in God he believed in nothing and there was truly nothing to live for, no point to life whatsoever. All he lived for was his mom and his job and both would be fine without him. There really was no one who loved him for who he was or what he had to offer but in truth that was his own fault. He was fat, awkwardly built, dull and without passion for life so who in their right mind would want him? A light bulb appeared over the blond head. Hmm… that was a good question. Naruto opened his own Craiglist account and made a personal profile typing in some details about himself, what he was looking for in a date and posting a picture. He second guessed posting the picture but it was only fair. Minutes later he had a post up in men seeking men and moved on to something else. He honestly wasn't expecting much since all the other weirdos on Craiglist just advertised for sex with dick and ass pics. Naruto was one of the few normal guys who made it clear that he wasn't looking for sex but for someone real but hell he may as well have been asking for the moon. He logged onto netflix and played American Dad. He could watch that show again and again and not tire of it. He curled up on the too small couch and turned away from the laptop just letting the sound lull him to sleep drowning out Ernie and Gilbert Grape.

"Naruto. Naruto wake up. Phone for you."

Naruto growled lowly and was sure he was dreaming. He was positive beyond all reasonable doubt that his mother wasn't waking him up (he glanced at his watch) a mere fucking hour after he finally managed to fall asleep for a goddamn phone call. He turned over to glare at her only to find the cordless phone shoved in his face. He grabbed the phone, hit the end call button and viciously tossed the phone onto the coffee table.

"That wasn't very Christianly of you. I'm tired of them calling here and I am not going to hell by lying and saying you ain't here or hanging up in their face. That's not what Jesus would do."

"Jesus didn't have to worry about fucking bill collectors." he mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Did you just say the F-word?"

"Jesus mom leave me alone! Can I get some sleep? Can I just lay here and get some sleep? You know what, forget it. So damn tired of this shit." Naruto dragged his tired body up and began putting on his shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"I'm your mother you need to tell me where you are going."

"I'm a grown man I can go when and where I want." he said sliding into his coat and grabbing his satchel. His mother sucked her teeth in annoyance behind him.

"Well bring me some food when you get back." she requested as she tried to hobble back to her room. Naruto froze in place and closed his eyes taking a cleansing breath, a calming technique that never really worked.

"I just bought you $100 worth of groceries two days ago."

"That fish sandwich you were eating yesterday looked good to me. I want McDonald's. And get me a small fry and two of those apple pies." she listed. Naruto didn't turn around. He gripped the door handle.

"I bought you food. If you want anything else you are gonna have to get it yourself."

"But you know I can't drive with my vision."

"Then you'd better broil up one of those five dollar steaks I went out my way and bought for you." the door slammed behind him. He walked down the back stairs and made a stop at the door at the first floor of the two family home. He and his mother had gone through hell and high waters to evict the dead beat squatters who got away with living there for a year and not paying. The justice system was shit but that was no surprise. Naruto promised himself that he would neither rent out nor own property. It was all a scam. Own it for what? Aint like you can take it with you when you die. He carefully opened the back door looking down at the furry face that greeted him warmly.

"Meow!"

"Hi, Vali." he shifted his bag so that he could kneel down and pick up the young cat. Her top half was all black and grey stripes while her bottom was snow white. He named her Valentine when he bought her from the shelter nearly two years ago on Valentines day: the day before his birthday. She purred, her green eyes alight as she set her front paws on his left shoulder and nuzzled his cheek in greeting. "Where is your sister?"

As if on cue a fat, night black cat slinked around the corner with the air of being forced to get up and greet the master since Naruto was their only source of food. It was after all the polite thing to do. Naruto put down Vali and walked over to the black cat, his nose crinkling as the unmistakable scent of cat piss slapped his senses. "Shadow I don't know what to do with you. Why can't you just go in the box?" He reached for Shadow and she tried to dart away but she wasn't quick enough. She was always the timid one while Vali was always eager to meet new faces. He worried for Shadow. In the event that he needed to take her to a shelter when he got his new place he knew she wouldn't be popular with potential shoppers. He knew that she would paste herself to the back of her cage, curled up into a ball and probably be put down. The idea brought tears to his eyes. But it was either that or deal with the smell of cat piss for the rest of her life. He held her so that her back laid against his forearm as if she were a baby and he looked into her yellow eyes; those eyes that always gave away her position in the dark when she was hiding. These cats were the children he never had. When he had no one else, he always had a cat at all points in his life. He put her down brushing the fur off his already linted black cotton coat. He scooped their undesirables out of their litter box, refilled their water and food bowls with only a few cups of food mindful of the fact that Vali was going to end up at fat as Shadow since she was now of age. They crowded around the filled bowls, Vali being the baby always pushing Shadow out of the way for the prime spot and Shadow being the senior always allowed it. He pet their heads and looked around.

He was living there now since the squatters had gone. His mother blamed him that there was no source of income since she wasn't renting out the downstairs but he thought she was out of her mind. The sewer always backed up since the tree in the neighboring yard had stretched its roots underneath their foundation. Many days had passed where he would go into the bathroom and find shit that wasn't his own in the toilet and in the bath tub. The basement was always flooded and there were times when the entire house smelled of sewer. Who the fuck wanted to rent that? So when his mother asked for money he would give it to her if he could spare it. It was just a matter of time before the bank foreclosed on them and his mother was homeless. The $800 a month that disability and social security threw at her wasn't enough to pay the bills and the mortgage and it was always a choice as to what bills would get paid that month. Since there was no heat downstairs he had given up on trying to sleep there so he settled with his mother's small living room sofa. His back suffered for it.

He got in his car and began to just drive up and down Lakeshore Blvd. The many for rent signs both excited and saddened him. With bills and income being like they were his credit was less than desirable… and that was to say the least. He looked at one apartment if that's what you could call the shoe box sized thing. Then he looked at another which he loved but needed a co-signer for. Then he looked at a final that was spacious and reasonable. He filled out the application and could do nothing else but wait and see but he would be damned if he got his hopes up. He didn't want to go home but he learned early that staying out meant spending money so he reluctantly returned. He was ecstatic beyond reason to find his mother asleep and thanked God for small favors. With nothing else to do he logged on and checked his email and was surprised to find twenty new messages in his inbox. It took him a moment to actually remember the whole Craiglist idea which he attributed to temporary insanity and boredom. He opened email after email.

"Hey sexy you're looking good as fuck. Would mind getting to know you." (delete)

"Hey my name is Tyler my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX text or call me blah blah." (delete) Any guy who is willing to give his number to a complete stranger is obviously insane.

"Hey my name is Chuck…" Naruto looked at the pic. (delete)

"Hey I'm on leave from the military…." (delete) No post-traumatic stress thank you.

Too ugly. (delete)

Pervert (delete)

He seems ok. He sent "Kane Nostradamus" a message.

Pervert.

Hideous.

Short.

Lame.

He looks like he's somewhat normal but he's a midget. (delete)

He opened one email and his heart fluttered in his chest. Fair skin, jade green eyes, cleanly styled yet wild red hair, a smart pair of glasses. He continued to read the message.

"Hi Fox. I couldn't help but notice your Craiglist post. I thought I was crazy even looking here thinking that there were any nice guys posted so imagine my surprise when I found you. You are very attractive and you seem like you got a good head on your shoulders so if I'm to your liking please message me. I'd love to hear from you. Gaara."

Naruto wasted no time in responding.

Hello Gaara, I'm pleased to "meet you" so to speak. You are one of the best guys that has responded to my post thus far. Lotsa weirdos."

He sent the message and began combing though the others noting that a few more had been sent since he had begun. Hell, he had never felt so popular. Naruto read the message of another suitor.

"Hi, Fox my name is Shikamaru. You said that you're tall and are into tall guys. Well I hope 6'7 is tall enough for you lol. Anyways I have a job and a car so I'm not a dead beat. You and I seem to have a bit in common and I want to see if there is more. Message me and let's see what happens. L8r."

Naruto responded

"Ur 6'7? Get the hell outta here! Wow so far you are the tallest guy to message me lol. So tell me a bit about urself. What kinda movies and music u like? Any hobbies and stuff?"

Naruto deleted all the overaged guys without even completely reading their messages. Naruto was 27 and anyone over 35 just seemed gross and anyone who was an adult when he himself was just born was considered by the blond to be a pedophile regardless of the fact that Naruto was well beyond jailbait age. Yuck.

He checked the last message.

"Hello Fox my name is Lee. I'm and half Scottish and half Italian which makes for a spicy mix ;-) I see that you are Japanese, I hope that you are not bothered by the fact that I am not. (Naruto rolled his eyes considering that fact that most of the guys that messaged him was white and he had no issue with it) In fact I find Japanese men to be very attractive (red flag, but Naruto ignored it) I'm hoping that you message me and maybe we can go see a movie sometime."

Naruto gave a generic response, not being as interested in Lee as he had been with the others. He was nearly logging off when one last message came in.

"Hi Fox my name is Choji. I'm 23. I find it hard to believe that someone like you thinks you need Craiglist to find a date. You should be beating them off with a stick. My last serious relationship ended a year ago and I do not like being single. I'm not gonna give you much of the flowerly poetic stuff but I will say that I think you are beautiful and I hope that you respond. I'm just one guy among the many that I'm sure responded to your post so I'm hoping that you will notice me.

Naruto looked skeptically at the pic of a pale man with dark hair and dark eyes, his features shadowed with a white and red Cavs hat which was partially covered with the hood of his red hoodie. He was… acceptable. Don't get Naruto wrong, he was far from arrogant and he was flattered by the attention but he had his standards.

Naruto replied:

"Hi Choji I'm glad you responded to my post and you have successfully passed my screening process ;-) You wouldn't believe the weirdos, pervs, and pedos that have responded to me! So its just you and like four other guys that I have responded to so far. I don't want to get overwhelmed with potential guys so I'm gonna put the cap on this soon. I didn't expect to get so many replies."

Naruto made sure all his messages were sent and began playing the Sims 3 knowing that once he got sucked into the game it would take hours for him to reemerge to the real world.

About 3 hours and a tired and dry pair of sore eyes later he checked his inbox. Gaara, Shikamaru and Choji had responded.

Gaara:

Wow so you are in art school, huh? I have a great appreciation for art. Maybe we can go to the art museum together one day. Or since you said you live near the beach we can take a walk in the sand and watch the sunset. So what do you do for a living? I'm in barber college and I cut hair on the side. I was always both teased and envied because of my hair so I figured it was my destined profession lol. Is there anything else you enjoy other than art?"

Naruto didn't know why but the walk on the beach thing sounded kinda lame and hopelss romantic to him but it was a nice thought.

Naruto's response:

Wow ur a barber? My dad is a barber, his dad was a barber, my cousins are barbers, my brother was a barber. It's kind of a family business lol. I didn't want to go that route so I'm still searching for myself. It's weird since I'm 27 and I still haven't found myself yet. I think your hair is very hot, no pun intended toward the red lol. I really like music. I listen to all types except country and weird stuff like polka. I think my favorite bands are Evanescence and Linkin Park.

All the attention was making Naruto a little tired but he had to be fair and respond to all the guys. He opened Shikamaru's message.

Shikamaru's response:

"Lol yeah I'm a big guy. Let's see I like cloud watching as weird as that sounds but hear me out. Don't you remember laying on your back and looking up at the sky when you were little? That sense of wonder never really left me. I like all kinds of music. I like going to Dave and Buster's, I go at least once a week. I like playing chess and all kinds of strategy games. How about you?"

Naruto could play chess but he could never think beyond a couple of his own moves nor could he plan his opponents moves so he didn't think he could challenge Shikamaru.

Naruto's response:

I can play chess but I don't have the mind for strategy so I doubt I will be able to challenge your mind. I am more into action adventure games that require strategy. As lame as it sounds I like the Sim's and I played Jade Empire to death until I learned every possible outcome. I'm kind of a movie buff for all things involving zombies and martial arts. I wanted to be a ninja when I was little lol.

Immediately he opened Gaara's email.

Gaara writes:

"Wow a family of barbers? I'd fit right in lol. Btw here's the link to my face book account. Add me if you have one. I never liked my hair but my mom does since I got it from my father. Its strange cuz my father has red hair but he is from Libya. He and my sisters are there and were under Gaddafi's thumb. I haven't heard from them in forever. I miss them and I worry but I know God will take care of them."

Naruto was saddened by the story but wasn't stupid. This guy could be full of shit.

Oh I'm sorry about your family. I will say a prayer for them (he wouldn't). It's a sad world we live in. Makes me go all emo just thinking about it.

He opened Choji's message:

Wow I was picked amongst the weirdos and pervs? I'm flattered lol jk. I can't blame them for trying though you are gorgeous. I'm really surprised that you contacted me back I didn't think I was your type.

Naruto responds:

Why wouldn't I respond to you? Is there something wrong with you that I should know about? Lol. You seem like a decent guy and I value that over anything else. I can't really see you in the pic you sent. Do you have a face book page? Here's the link to mine just to be fair.

Naruto glanced at his phone. 12:45. He had a class at 8 am and getting up was gonna be a bitch. He closed his laptop and laid back on the couch with a carefree smile. He needed this. He really, really needed this. For the first time in a long time he felt important. He felt wanted.

Naruto groaned in irritation as his eyelids fluttered in waking. His body's internal clock had woke him just before sunrise. The dark usually made him think that he could spare another hour or two for sleep but he knew better than to indulge that fool's hope. He stretched his long limbs and attempted to ignore the dry, sandy feeling in his eyes. He hated mornings. And when he said he hated mornings he meant it. Well to be honest it wasn't mornings that irritated him, it was the mornings or afternoons or nights for that matter in which he was forced to get up against his will that he hated. It was the idea of a schedule. Waking and going when his body emphatically said "No. Not happening." He trudged into the bathroom passing by his mother's bedroom in the process. He saw her frail looking body on her knees kneeling beside the bed in silent prayer. That was one thing he respected about his mother; her unyielding faith. But at times he thought her to be a little naïve. She was the type to ride a few miles on a thimble of gas thinking that "God wouldn't let anything happen to her". Or even thinking that the slightest bit of misjudgement such as missing an appointment and inconveniencing her dentist could warrant God's punishment. She raised her hands in glorification as he rolled his eyes and closed the bathroom door.

He undressed quickly making absolutely sure not too look at the hideousness in the mirror. Standing motionless under the spray of the steaming water he stared unblinkingly into the drain ignoring the rivulets flowing from his coarse hair and down his cheeks indistinguishable from the tears. It was only here that he would cry without guilt. The water would hide the tears from anyone who would see, therefore in his logic it hid them also from himself. He raised his hand, mindless of the weight of the heavy metal in his palm. He cocked the hammer and put the muzzle into his mouth. Closing his eyes in cowardice he slowly squeezed the trigger.

BANG!

The sudden noise startled him and he jerked to attention.

"What?!" he yelled not hiding his irritation.

"I have to use he bathroom." he heard from the other side of the door. Naruto clenched his jaw and shut off the water.

111111111111111111111111111

Class was stimulating as always. Fur hours of silence as the professor walked around the room peering over each shoulder. This weeks lesson: shading. Draw a perfect circle and using various charcoal pencils shading it to perfection and DON'T FORGET THE SHADOW! It was tedious torture, but he knew that if he could survive this class he would survive all others. At least with this specific assignment he wouldn't have to worry about the dreaded class critique in which you put your artwork on the wall and let everyone tell you how much it sucked. Class participation was required and counted as ten percent of the grade. Fan-fucking-tastic. After that he suffered another four hours of sculpture. He didn't think he could possibly care less about it. In fact, Naruto didn't care very much about anything anymore. Once upon a time he loved to draw, loved to write, loved to create. But he realized that no matter how much he did it he wasn't good enough for anything to come of it. He had seen great works of art from his fellow students and realized how much heart and soul goes into writing a book. He had tried many classes, many majors. Anthropology, biology, English, Japanese and asian studies, philosophy, linguistics. He would get the gist of it and lose all interest. Naruto was a peg without a hole, there was no place for him. Anywhere. He was just social enough to make acquaintance but beyond that was a struggle for him. He was isolated, angry, and constantly at odds with the world around him. It just seemed so much easier to die but damned it all if he couldn't even do that right! He didn't like change and to go suddenly from alive to dead was a pretty big fucking change. What if he changed his mind after? What if he went to hell? And to be honest he figured the odds of the latter were pretty high. God didn't want him, the world didn't want him, and to be honest he didn't even want himself. He wrapped his mediocre sculpture in plastic to ensure that it wouldn't dry out and washed his hands. He had enough for one day. As much as he loved asian art and had the deepest respect for his culture he just wanted to go home. Hopefully his mother would be asleep when he got there. He hoped into his third generation hand me down car and weaved through traffic. That was another thing that bugged him and the only reason he could think of it wad that there were too many damn people. What the world needed was a good plague. When the deer population gets to numerous we take our rifles and "help them out" so to speak. With the planet reaching critical mass it just made sense to Naruto that wiping out a percentage of the human race would even things out extremely well. It was heartless, it was immoral, but it was true. He pulled into the driveway and sat there staring ahead for a moment. The music he had turned on the keep him company had become and irritant so he turned it off and just sat in silence. It amazed him how everything seemed to make sense when the world was quiet. No one calling him for help, no one complaining about their lives and not caring about his. Was death this still? Was it just empty floating and numb bliss? God he hoped so. It seemed much more inviting than the streets of gold and promised mansions in heaven he was taught to believe his entire christian life. He didn't want to sing praise for all eternity and walk the streets of gold beyond crystal streams. He wanted to feel no pain anymore, no doubt. That hollow of existence that told him that every moment of happiness was fragile and fleeting and that waiting just behind it was the cold watery blackness of misery. And what made it worse was that he didn't know how to get out. He was drowning in an inky miasma. All the colors of life seemed muted and dull and if seemed hardly worth living. His mother had aborted two of his would be siblings after him, why hadn't she aborted him as well? Let the doctor puncture the back of his soft, unformed skull and flush him out, a small penny sized bunch of unrecognizable jelly and blood. He grabbed his book bag and hauled himself out of the car. Two stray cats sat at the steps gazing at his with expectant eyes. He had to smile.

"Hello Tucker. Hello Heathcliff, I haven't seen you in a while. Where's your brother?" No response of course. He trotted up to the door unlocking it and tossing his bag on the floor. He grabbed the preset bag of cat food and poured a generous amount in two separate piles so that they wouldn't fight for it. They didn't thank him but they didn't have to. He gingerly made his way up the stairs again and tried to quietly sneak inside damning the door as it squeaked loudly.

"Is that my baby boy?"

Ugh, dammit!

"Yeah it's me, Ma."

"How was school?"

"Same old same old."

"Well I havn't done a thing today. First I got up to used the bathroom. I been constipated for days but Lord let me tell you…"He blocked out the rest and continued walking into the living room. He kicked off his shoes and unceremoniously flopped down on the torn up couch. This was what helped him survive life, this black screen and qwerty board. He logged onto the internet and checked his emails. What was usually spam was a list of Craig list suitors.

"Interesting." he said with a small smile. The newbies were just straggler pervs so he skipped them and clicked on the familiar names.

Gaara:

So I checked out ur face book account. Ur even cuter than I thought. And don't take this the wrong way but u have a nice body as well.

Naruto's eyebrow shot up in surprise. He self consciously glanced down at his muffin top and continued reading.

Obviously I like a body with a little extra to love. Nothing wrong with a few curves. Anyways if you don't mind I'd prefer to keep contact on FB, its just more convenient. I'd really like to meet you and maybe we can have dinner?"

Naruto felt goosebumps arise on his back. One thing he loved about the internet was the lack of intimacy. He didn't have to worry to much about being judged or stuttering when he had the nervous habit of talking to fast. Messages could be read, reread, edited, and perfected. He wasn't his best on the spot. That's why his long distance relationship with the homeless guy was perfect. Yes, it was unorthodox and probably borderline insane but it was all he needed. Someone who was more than a friends but less than a lover. The texts were intense, loving, even sexual, but they were just texts. The most disappointment he could get from that is never hearing from him again, and so what if that happened? It was a guy who he had never met, never given his first kiss or his virginity. There was no real investment so nothing to sacrifice. Meeting face to face was just… just…

He closed the message and opened the next.

Choji:

Well I count myself lucky to get ur attention. And yeah I have FB. Just type in Choji and add me anytime. I just got off work and the first thing I did when I got in was message you. It's crazy but I am kinda psyched just messaging u. Do you think that maybe we could text?"

Now THAT Naruto could manage. He opened his facebook account and looked up Choji. It wasn't private so he looked though his info. Likes: Buffalo Wild Wings, football, basketball, WOW, Magic the Gathering, How I Met Your Mother and Big Asses. (the last one made Naruto laugh). He glanced through his pictures. To say it bluntly, Choji was a big guy. And he meant BIG. 6'4 and fluffy. He was fair skinned cutie with a boyish smile and dark brown hair. Honestly Naruto was a bit intimidated. Choji wasn't particularly drop dead gorgeous but he was handsome. More than Naruto deserved. In fact, Naruto was well aware that he had different standards than other people so someone else may see a total lame when looking at Choji. He sent the friend request and then looked up Gaara. Gaara on the other had was exotically gorgeous. He didn't have many pictures of himself though, his profile showed his artistic creations and his family. That pale skin, those green eyes and the tattoo on his forehead made him stand out. Where Choji was the kind to fade into the background with his black hair and nearly black brown eyes, Gaara was a beacon of beauty all rose petals and leaves floating in cream. He sent that friend request as well. Naruto logged out of facebook and decided to watch some netflix. For some reason he had a feeling that life was going to change a bit, and God knew that Naruto hated change.

11111111111111111111111

Naruto hadn't heard from his homeless text lover in days and we becoming disillusioned with the relationship, especially with the fact that he now had suitors at his beck and call. Then again how was a homeless guy going to charge a cell phone anyway? Of course, Naruto wondered how a homeless guy was able to have a phone in the first place. Well according to said guy, whose name was Suigetsu, he paid for the minutes by panhandling and finding random fix it jobs he found in discarded newspapers.

Turns out he was very good with his hands and judging by his graphic sexts he always sent was very good with his mouth as well. The thing that captured Naruto about him was his imagination. Turns out Suigetsu could make him feel every dirty, lascivious word. The way he would say he was touching him, the way he would say he was licking him… Naruto closed his eyes for a moment and lived in their last session as he sat on the living room couch. With a deep, regretful sigh he took himself out of the fantasy and faced the facts. Even in the unlikely event that he and Suigetsu ever met, it was dumb to consider a relationship. In fact, he was well aware of the fact that it would be dangerous to agree to meet him at all.

The homeless man was homeless for a reason and Naruto was privy as to why. It turned out his talented cyber lover was on the run from the law for unpaid child support and attempted murder. The thirty five year old had two thirteen year old kids. A boy and a girl conceived during his wild years of spreading seed, smoking weed and head banging. He had done everything from pistol whipping a man with his own shot gun in his teens, tackling a cop in his twenties, and knocking up a girl most recently… well honestly Suigetsu wasn't sure he was the dad since she had slept with another guy. But they had been together when they left to flee the law. Apparently the car broke down and she wasn't too keen on living outdoors with a preggo belly. So she quickly wised up and returned to Magnolia, Ohio.

Suigetsu decided to press onward hitchhiking his way southwest. Last time they text he was in Texarkana, Texas and was supposedly on his way to New Orleans. He hald told Naruto horrible stories about how down there the cops beat you first and ask questions later so of course the blond forbade the trip. Suigetsu's tough guy response was, "you can forbid all you want baby but that's where I am going". The only comfort Naruto took was that Suigetsu had picked up a homeless friend named Trainwreck so he wouldn't be camping out on sidewalks alone.

Naruto often pictured him with his backpack stuffed with a tightly folded sleeping bag and basic knickknacks. At some point previous, Suigetsu was camping out near Walmart near a lake where he bathed. The water was cold but at least he stayed clean. But the cops ran him off so he had to bathe in the sinks of MacDonald's and public libraries yet he took the joy of shitting in places where he hoped walkers would accidentally tread through it. Oh, and then there was the whole attempted murder thing. According to the homeless wonder, a guy broke into his previous home and Suigetsu beat him damn near to death for the mistake. Who would have thought that in America you can sue someone for defending themselves? God bless the law. In any event it was probably for the best. It was time to move on.

Naruto placed his laptop on his lap and opened his email. There weren't as many emails as there had been when he initially started but that was fine. He had three guys that he was emailing and anyone else was immaterial to him. He opened the email from Choji:

So I see you added me on face book. I took a while to stalk your page lol. Before, I totally thought that you weren't real since most people on Craiglist are bots so I am glad to see that you exist. Message me there anytime. I don't really check my email much so FB is the best way to talk. Later Fox.

Naruto closed the email and opened the next one from Gaara:

Did I scare you with asking to meet? If so I am sorry. I know it can be scary to meet up with a stranger you meet online. There's no rush. But I just don't want there to be any confusion. I am very interested in you, Fox. From the things you post on facebook it seems like we have a lot in common. My number is 234-567-8901. If you still want to email that is perfectly fine, but feel free to call me anytime.

Naruto sat back smiling softly to himself. This was what people his age did. They got to know potential partners and went out on dates. He had to admit he could now see the appeal. It was exciting and ego building. An anytime he mentioned to one that he was talking to another they always seemed to step up their game competing for his attention. Nice. He scrolled through the potentials and tried to be diplomatic about how he would proceed and finally decided that he would continue talking to Shikamaru, Lee, Choji, and Gaara. He would give them all a chance. One date. And the best choice would be the one he held on to. Easy peasy, right?

One week later…

Naruto walked into the house shedding his coat as he slowly closed the door behind him. He was exhausted. Dave and Busters had been a total blast… well at least it would have been had Shikamaru not tried to feel him up with every hug. Seriously that guy used any excuse to go in for a hug! Yay we got a lot of tickets at basketball! HUG. Yay you beat me at Time Crisis! HUG. Yay we both suck Guitar Hero! HUG. Naruto had made it quite clear that they were just hanging out and that it wasn't a date. He even went as far as to pay for his own tokens. It was a spur of the moment decision to go out that night and to be honest he hadn't really wanted to. But he rationalized that the whole point of this dating thing was to get out of his comfort zone and find a guy.

Just a couple days ago he had already been to Shikamaru's place finding comfort in the fact that Shika's sister was going to be there and he didn't have to worry about being alone in a strangers house. It was super awkward though. Naruto had cancelled on visiting Shika twice so Shika didn't believe it when Naruto called from his apartment parking lot. It took a few minutes of convincing but Shika finally walked out onto his balcony and saw the freezing blond walking into the back door after one of the neighbors (whom Naruto wasn't sure was naively helpful or carelessly stupid) had shouted out the passcode to the door. After walking up a few flights, Naruto was greeted at the door by a huge 6'7 giant. The impressive height was the first thing the blond noticed. The next was the strong odor of cat pee. Bad start. Naruto of course loved cats but seriously? Cat owner rule one: When visitors are coming for a visit you change the damn litter. Shika greeted him with a hug which was graciously free of coped feels. The brown haired giant had a warm smile and pleasant conversation asking about the drive and how Naruto's day had been as he ushed the blond into his humble abode. And God was it humble. Greasy pots and pans on the stove and open kitchen cabinets. Oh and of course the cats had totally gone Wolverine ham on all of the furniture. Well it was way too early to go home so Naruto smiled, tried to ignore the fact that it smelled as if Shika had been sweating the whole day and they sat down and watched movies. The night ended with Shika not trying to kiss him (thank cheeses) and Naruto took the long trip home across the freeway at about 2am. He hadn't intented to ever see the giant again, but a few days later Shika invited him out for a night of bright lights and video games. Since the blond had absolutely no practice in the art of breakups he agreed to go out with him. Lesson learned. Naruto settled onto the couch, pulled out his cheap phone and blocked Shika's number before blocking him on facebook and blocking his email. It was mean and could have been handled better but he hated being the bad guy. Well that was one guy down. He flipped open his phone and sent a text wondering what was up with Lee.

Another week later:

After the last fiasco, Naruto had decided that each guy would be given a week at the most. If he didn't feel a connection by then he would move on. The most recent one to bite the dust was Lee. Oh, God where should he start? Well it began normally enough. Five days ago they decided to go to a movie. There was a theater nearby that showed old movies for cheap. Since neither of them had seen Resident Evil Afterlife they decided to have a zombie laugh fest. They knew it was going to be awful and both thought the movie franchise was laughable at best and was lame in comparison to its game counterpart. Seriously, if the storyline is laid out in front of them how do they fuck up the movies so horribly? After many laughs and a decent time Naruto turned down an offer to go to a coffee shop after they parted ways. The blond liked to quit while he was ahead. Plus he wanted to keep his date wanting more. The next day Naruto felt daring and went to visit Lee at his small home in Little Italy. Lee opened the door to greet Naruto…

In all his skirt wearing glory.

Now to be fair, Naruto was told long ago that Lee embraced his Scottish roots and wore kilts, but to actually SEE it was a whole 'nother story. Well after enduring the torture of having to pretend to enjoy a movie about dungeons and dragons, being shown a sadly large modified nerf gun collection and choking down a lame and probably over priced drink called Zombie Blood (that had the nerve to be packaged as if it were bagged like it had been in a blood bank), Naruto was awkwardly propositioned for a massage.

No.

No to all of that.

It was definitely time to leave when Lee offered to let Naruto see what he wore under the kilt. The insulting thing was when Lee said they wouldn't see each other again and it was obviously because Naruto wasn't putting out. Whatever. The loser did him a favor even if it did hurt his ego.

Three days later:

This one was special. Naruto had TenTen come over the day before to help him pick an outfit. They agreed on a nice button down cobalt blue shirt, a pair of black dress pants and a pair of chucks. Wanted to look nice but to give the air of not trying to hard. He and Gaara agreed to meet at Applebee's for dinner and Naruto had never been more excited for a date. The two of them had kept in contact over the past few weeks. Gaara was a bit put out for not having had a date yet so Naruto fessed up and told him that he had dated two other guys already. Gaara jokingly chastised him saying that had Naruto dated him first then he wouldn't have had to go out with the other "lame-os" as Naruto described them. Gaara had wanted details but Naruto insisted on telling him all about it when they finally met. And of course the blond was running late which had him nervous and agitated. He appreciated punctuality and hated being the tardy one. Gaara insisted that it was fine since he was in the parking garage doing his barber college homework as he waited.

Naruto parked and shot Gaara a quick text letting him know that he was inside. He sat waiting for a couple minutes an absolute nervous wreck. Out of all the dates only this one felt real and his palms were sweating bullets. He tried playing it cool, not letting his eyes jump to the door across from hi8m every time a person walked in. He took out his cell and pretended to be playing a game or texting or whatever made him look cooler. The door opened and Naruto glanced up trying to remember to breathe.

Those eyes were positively magnetic. Gaara wore a black button down shirt left open to show a crisp t-shirt underneath. He wore a gold chain necklace that glowed against his color bones and went nicely with the subtle diamond sparkling in his ear. A dark pair of blue jeans were donned on his long legs and a pure white pair of kicks set of the look.

Simple but nice.

Understated but lovely.

Naruto stood, his own smile matching his dates.

"Hello, Gaara." he said evenly. Gaara's jade eyes slyly shot a quick trip down and back up his body. He extended his hand for a polite first meeting shake.

"Naruto." It was actually the first time they had each heard the others voice. Gaara's was deep, smooth and confident. If caramel had a voice it would sound like that. Naruto's smile widened. "It's nice to finally meet the pretty blond in the pictures." His eyes traveled again. "You are handsomer in person." Naruto glanced away shyly before forcing his gaze back.

"Well aren't you a charmer? I am going to have to be careful with you." he said with a grin. Gaara's smile widened revealing white teeth that weren't perfectly straight and it gave him a unique charm.

"Nah, I am a perfect gentlemen. My mother raised me well." To prove so, Gaara extended his hand guiding Naruto towards the hostess. She greeted them nicely and thankfully not overtly perkily and guided them to their seats. As they walked to their booth Naruto self consciously wondered if Gaara was checking out his butt. He was still nervous but a little less so since Gaara hadn't run for the hills at first sight. Then again he could be just being nice while secretly wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. They sat across from each other eyeing their menus.

"I haven't been here in forever. I have no idea what to order." Naruto began having no issue with beginning conversation.

"Yeah everything is good here. Id pretty much recommend anything." Gaara replied conversationally.

"Hmm… I really should just get a salad."

At that Gaara froze glancing at the blond over their menus. Feeling eyes on him Naruto glanced up just catching Gaara chuckling.

"What?" he asked with a slight furrow in his blondish brown brows. Gaara got his silent chuckles under control and sat his menu on the table.

"You don't want a salad. You don't need a salad. You are gorgeous and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Now we both like food and I clearly am not the thinnest guy on the planet. So lets gets something deliciously fattening and enjoy this meal." they sat there for half a beat staring silently at each other before both of them burst out in laughter. Naruto immediately relaxed. They had similar tastes and never had a shortage of things to talk about.

"So he felt you up the whole night?" Gaara said after a sip of his coke. Naruto nodded giving himself time to swallow his pasta.

"Yeah! Oh but that's nothing. That guy in the kilt I told you about? Well he told me that his ex had snuck her fist in his ass right? So he was mad and they broke up or something. So he somehow managed to cover her dildo in Icy Hot. She ended up having to go to the emergency room." Naruto explained trying not blow laughter spittle across the table at Gaara's grossed out/confused face.

"What? Wait, how do you accidentally get fisted?" Gaara asked while flicking his red hair out of his eye flashing his forehead tattoo.

"I don't know but you would think he would be less comfortable wearing skirts after that."

They talked all through dinner and before they knew it it was time to go.

"I would love to see you again." Gaara said after walking Naruto to his car.

"Me too. I had a great time." he said fishing his keys from his pocket. Gaara leaned in and hugged Naruto promising to text him later. The hug was firm but not demanding. His hands didn't "accidentally" wander across his rear or graze a nipple through his shirt. He didn't try to hold on longer when Naruto pulled away. But Gaara pulled away slowly and let his hand slide down Naruto's arm as he turned to leave telling him to have a good night. It took all of Naruto's will to climb into his car and not watch the redhead as he sauntered back to the parking garage.

The blond was on cloud nine the whole rest of the night and the day after. But of course all good things come to an end. Gaara seemed a bit distant after. They text less and less and Naruto had gotten fed up especially after Gaara had called off their next date saying he had gotten food poisoning. Naruto figured that either Gaara hadn't been as interested as he led him to believe during dinner or he was playing the field. It wasn't like Naruto would have cared if Gaara was dating but he would have appreciate some honesty. In any event he was ready wash his hands of Gaara. Then a week later on Gaara's facebook page Naruto saw a status posted that Gaara's dad had been killed over in Libya but thanked God that his sisters were alright. Naruto sent Gaara a text of his condolences. The redhead thanked him and said it really wasn't a big deal since he didn't really know his dad. Gaara asked for a second date but Naruto's gut warned him not to. There was something too smooth about Gaara and it didn't feel right dating him. Naruto told him that he didn't think they would work out saying "a bird could love a fish but where would they live?" Gaara was persistent pleading for a second chance claiming that he hadn't tried his best and wanted to prove how how felt and how sure he was that they could be good together. Naruto was ready to agree until Gaara asked if they could move in together. The "what the fuck" shot out of Naruto's mouth before he could stop it and was thankful that his mom didn't hear. He told Gaara that he would think about it even though he knew that it wouldn't happen. Who asked to move in together after one date? Naruto remembered mentioning that his application for the apartment had been accepted so maybe Gaara was trying to seize what he saw as a golden opportunity. To Naruto it was just plain creepy. He procrastinated on telling Gaara his decision and ignored his texts. But apparently God was on his side since four days later Naruto had decided to google Gaara Sabaku. He hadn't heard from the redhead in a few days and was curious. An embarrassing mugshot of Gaara came up dated on the dame day as his last text and a storyline underneath revealed that the ginger had been arrested for possession of black tar heroine. Naruto closed his laptop in frustration and pouted in the dark.