The Self I'd Lost

A Xenoblade Chronicles X Fan Fiction by MJTR

[[Xenoblade Chronicles X and all related concepts are the property of Nintendo and Monolith Soft.

A few quick words about intent here-

Though "Cross" is labeled as one of the lead characters, the Cross presented is the character I created and played through all of X with, who I named Aina. You can see her as she was all throughout the game in the story's main image. This is largely meant to follow X's story from beginning to end, with the exception of a few liberties taken to keep Aina a more dynamic character than the more plain Cross.

This is set after the end of the main campaign and contains references to the game's ending. As someone who managed to beat this game blind, I'd urge you to not look into this until you finish it.]]

I've heard it said, time and again, that we all left everything behind when we ran from Earth into the unknown of space. Friends, family, heritage, even our physical bodies, as I'm under strict wraps to not tell anyone, gone in the raging inferno of a war we thought we had nothing to do with.

Still, it has been my observation that we didn't all come to Mira quite so empty handed. Many families were still together, members of the military retained their ranks, and everyone brought with them the memories of all that was left behind.

Nearly everyone, anyway.

When I first stepped out of the pod, hearing Elma's voice, being hit by the rains of Mira for the first time, not even knowing my very skin and bone were synthetic, I couldn't remember anything, even my own name. Elma called me "Rook" or "Rookie" the entire way back to NLA, and it was Lin who suggested we should call me, "Aina" as a placeholder. It's a Japanese word, meaning, "luscious greens," I think she said. In the mind of Lin, there is only machinery and food, but I've always been fine with it, I think it suits me.

My hair is mostly cropped short, longer in front than in back. The body is a minty green but my tips are blonde, and it's probably where Lin got the idea for my name. Even apart from my hair, my mim isn't exactly the most inconspicuous- my eyes are a deep red, a scar runs on both sides of my nose, the one on my left I'm usually able to cover up with my bangs a little, at least. And a white mark, like a tattoo or a branding or something, coming up the left side of my face. Elma said it looked like a modified version of the logo for Anderson Android Solutions, one of the many companies responsible for making the mims, but that she wasn't sure why it was designed the way it was or how it got on my face.

I know someone with access to a modified maintenance machine who hangs out deep below the admin district. I'd seriously thought about having him see what he could do for me, but always ended up backing out.

I'm scared of doing something like that because no matter why I look like how I do, it's all I can remember ever looking like. Here and there Elma had said she thought she could see my memories peeking through, like when we talked about my natural disposition toward dogs or that I'd once told a Manon named Scatacca I didn't think all of Earth's religions were just big scams after we'd exposed one. Maybe I loved dogs because I owned one back on Earth, maybe I came from a religious household. But that's the thing, those situations were only ever "maybes."

All I knew for sure was my time on Mira. Slaying my first tyrant alongside Lin and Elma, battling the Ganglion and finding Tatsu hiding away. When I first piloted a skell, when I faced off with the prince of Wroth and the sheer insanity that unfolded within the Lifehold. Of Elma's encouraging words and attempts at diplomacy, Lin's delicious meals and teasing Tatsu, Lao's betrayal and his redemption.

And Irina, who I was warned from the starting gate had a cold disposition, but seemed to warm up to me pretty fast. She'd talk to me about the small stuff like getting hit on at the bar and how expensive skell insurance had gotten to be to a few quiet moments reminiscing about her father and brother back on Earth. I think I'm the first person she listened to when I told her she had to invest in some more armor now and again, that she wasn't doing any of us any favors by being the first the get knocked out when we were doing missions together.

We'd been sitting at a café I like in the commercial district on special invite from Ni Zain. He's the greatest Wrothian chef in existence, and I'm not just saying that because he was the only one. I'd helped him get his cooking career off the ground, and as a thank you he invited me to sample his new creations as he made them. Though I'd never tell her, he's almost as good as Lin.

I'd invited a few squad mates to join me in sampling his take on cheesecake, but Lin got stuck delivering instructions on the repair of skell flight modules and Elma was off on some higher-level, top secret business revolving around the Lifehold. So it was just Irina and I as Ni Zain laid slices of beautiful looking, creamy white cheesecake with blueberries in front of us.

"I hope it is favorable," Ni Zain said. "I found the concept so strange. At first I attempted mixing the shedda in with the shoko q'eik's batter. I was pleased with it myself, but told none from Earth would find it appetizing."

Irina was already looking between him and her slice. "So just to be clear, you didn't put any of that in here, right?"

"I was told to only use the kr'em shees when making the shees q'eik. I was also instructed that orange goo, the shees whis, is not for the q'eik. It is only for dipping, or to make a dish called a filly."

"Mm hm," Irina said, cutting off a little bite and examining it closely. "What about the crust?"

"I was told to use Graham's crackers. I was assured he would not mind, but I needed much convincing. The base for a delicacy such as this must surely be valuable, and if Graham does find them missing, I'm sure he will wish to duel over this theft."

At this point I was laughing as Irina rolled her eyes. "You're and Tatsu outta have a competition over who can mangle words worse." She took a bite for the cake and her eyes widened. "But damn if you can't cook with the best of them. You had any of this yet?"

"I had to see your reaction first," I said, cutting into my own cake and taking a first, wonderful bite. "It passes, Ni Zain. I don't remember cheesecake back on earth, but I'll bet you make it with the best of them."

"I am honored to have mastered another recipe," Ni Zain said, bowing before turning to depart. "And humbled by your continued praise."

I smiled to him before turning back to Irina, whose cuts were getting bigger now as she dug into the cheesecake. "Do you have any assignments to complete today?"

"Yeah, there's a Tyrant out at Biahno Lake I said I'd go kill with Gwin. I don't really feel like it, but lounging around doesn't pay for skell repairs, you know."

"Right." I took a few more bites, Irina finishing her piece by the time I asked, "How's he? How are, you know, you two?"

Irina sighed. "He's fine. Makes friends with everyone he meets, can remember when we were all kids without devolving into how much he hates somebody… Gwin's a great guy, I want him to have somebody he can share all that plucky attitude with , I just don't get why that somebody apparently had to be me."

"Well, you've known him the longest," I said.

"If anything that makes it worse. Back on Earth some guy, Wisenheimer or somebody, did this study. People who grew up around each other aren't supposed to feel that way about each other." She sighed and clutched her temple. "I'm casually dating a guy I don't feel anything for and who I know would back off the moment I really shot him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. When the hell did my life turn into a cheesy movie?"

"Is it just you and Gwin hunting that Tyrant? Do you want me to come along?"

"Nah, don't worry about it. If you came he'd know I'm trying to introduce a third wheel and stuff." She smacked her lips a last time before she tossed her napkin onto the table. "Thanks for inviting me out here, that cake was pretty fantastic. Let's do a proper girl's mission here soon, kill something rampaging out on the plains or something, just you and me. Catch you later, Aina."

"Sounds great," I said with a wave. As soon as Irina was out of sight I sighed and leaned into one of my hands, left along to finish my cheesecake.

Elma had said that as long as she'd known me I was looking out for everyone else. I was almost never the first to attack in a Ganglion scrimmage, I always tried to reason with my teammates when they were upset, she said she wasn't sure I ever worried much about myself at all.

And that's why I couldn't tell Irina how much I really loved spending time with her. What I would have given to be in Gwin's place… well, without the worry Irina didn't really feel the same way.

I ate the remaining cream cheese off the crust and broke up "Graham's crackers" with my fork, just to amuse myself. Someone across the bustling street was shouting something, cars were passing, but I felt alone in my little café seat.

Guess the problem with helping save all of humanity is there isn't much room for improvement, I thought. The exact details of the battle of the Lifehold hadn't been released to the public. Every BLADE who fought in the battle was a hero, but that was all they knew. Not that Elma had slain the Vita or that it was the same photon saber that finished Lao slung around my waist. It was probably better that way, my reputation had already gotten me into missions I hadn't signed up for a few times.

"Joanna! Joanna!" The woman across the street was still yelling as I wet a finger and attempted to pick up the remaining crust crumbs. If I didn't eat everything, Ni Zain would want to know what he had done so wrong I hadn't cleaned my plate. Elma once had to explain to him that humans really don't eat the bone in bone-in pork chops.

Just as I was about to stand up, a hand came to my shoulder. I turned to see a young woman with golden blonde hair gasping for breath as she held me in place.

"Are you all right?" I said.

"Sorry, haven't done a lot of running since I got here," she said. As her breaths became steadier she looked up at me, as if mesmerized. "I just couldn't believe it. Joanna, don't you recognize me?"

I frowned as she stumbled into Irina's chair. "I'm sorry… I'm Joanna?"

"Yes, yes of course!" She said. "Joanna Kathleen Hoskins. You know that, don't you?"

"I… I don't think I'm who you're thinking of." I was shaking in my seat a little, unsure what to make of the situation and desperately wishing Irina was there to assert herself for me a little.

"Oh my God, I'm so… but… look, I'm really sorry about saying this, but I recognized something. That mark over your eye."

I touched the brand etched over my left eye. "You… you know about this?"

"Do you really not remember anything? Don't you even remember me?" I shook my head. "Anything about Earth? Anything?"

"I had amnesia when they found me. I haven't been able to remember anything since we landed."

"God… my name is Ashley Hoskins."

My eyes became wide and I leaned forward. "What are you—you're saying you're—"

"Cousins," she said. "We lived across the street from one another. We went to the same elementary school and had slumber parties every other weekend. Do you seriously not remember any of that?" She was frowning then, mouth hanging half-open.

I hated to tell her the truth, but I'm an awful liar, and shook my head. "I'm sorry… are you absolutely sure I'm who you think I am?"

"I know that mark," she said. "Eli Anderson, son of the billionaire Eric Anderson. It's his signature, and I know he wouldn't have put it on the face of any other mim."

"Why would he put it on me?"

"You seriously don't remember anything? It was so he could find you. You'd agreed to marry him and you two were supposed to tie the knot as soon as we landed on Mira."