Disclaimer: JKR owns all or most of the characters in this fic.
- Chapter One -
~ James Potter's Guide to Girls ~
'James!' Remus half-shouted. Uncharacteristically, he ran across the common room and skidded to a halt when he was level with the table James was sitting at.
'What's up?' James asked him easily, slipping his hands into his pocket.
'I need tips!' Remus exclaimed. 'Right, you know Kelly Bell?'
James had to think for a moment, his dark eyebrows pulling into a crease. 'Yeah, she's on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, right?'
'Yeah!'
'Okay … you can stop shouting.'
'Sorry,' he gulped. 'I just want some tips from you about girls. You know, like dos and don'ts.'
James felt flattered. 'Wow … you're coming to me for help? That's a change. Wow. Never thought I'd see that day.'
Remus laughed forcefully, not wanting to point out that it was seventh-year and James still hadn't befriended Lily Evans.
'Okay, I've got some tips for you. Wait, how serious is this?'
'Well … I've liked her for some time,' he said shyly.
James had to work to conceal his grin.
He withdrew an ink pot, a quill and parchment from his school bag and began writing in his elegant handwriting:
James Potter's Guide to Girls
1. Girls like funniness, so be funny
2. Talk to her
3. Share secrets with her
4. Give her your jacket
- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =]
- Hug her from behind every now and then
6. Laugh with her
7. Smile with her
8. Take pictures with her
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, please don't get into an "I love you" fight.
10. Be chivalrous
- Hold doors open
- Let her through first
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up
- If she denies it, don't persist
- Just hug her
12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it
13. Stand up for her
14. Give her that stare every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one.
15. Hold hands
16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight
17. Introduce her to us
18. If she ever comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to bury?"
- IF this ever happens, it's got to be really bad; most girls don't like feeling vulnerable.
19. Don't get jealous to see her with others
20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it.
21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid
22. Surprise her
23. DON'T pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you
24. Give her room
25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then
- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite.
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating.
27. Don't forget to say "I love you".
James finished writing the list with a little swirl and smiled. 'That's all I can come up with from the top of my head; there're bound to be more.'
'Right …' Remus said sceptically. 'I've just got a few little things to say about that; retorts, more like.'
Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls
1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – how?
2. Talk to her – about what?
3. Share secrets with her – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs?
4. Give her your jacket – what if I get cold?
- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] - No argument
- Hug her from behind every now and then
6. Laugh with her – no argument
7. Smile with her – nothing to say
8. Take pictures with her – with my invisible camera?
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, please don't get into an "I love you" fight. – Yeah. Not going to happen.
10. Be chivalrous – no argument
- Hold doors open
- Let her through first
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up – nothing to say
12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it – and if she doesn't?
13. Stand up for her – what if she's against you guys?
14. Give her that stare every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one. – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather.
15. Hold hands – hmm fine.
16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight – in werewolf form?
17. Introduce her to us – let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral!
18. If she ever comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – I'm part pacifistic.
19. Don't get jealous to see her with others – easier said than done.
20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it. – I don't know anywhere I want to go!
21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – retort unavailable
22. Surprise her – with what?
23. DON'T pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you – and if she does?
24. Give her room – how much?
25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – okay.
- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite – I'm not buying you lilies, James.
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating. – I honestly don't think that's possible.
27. Don't forget to say "I love you". – Okay.
'What're you guys doing?' Sirius enquired, coming down from the dormitories.
'James is helping me with some girl troubles,' Remus said lightly.
'Come again?'
'Kelly Bell – she asked me out and I said yes. James is just helping me out. Look, he wrote a list.'
Remus brandished the list under Sirius's nose. He took it, read it and, frowning, reached for James's quill and ink pot.
Sirius Black's Additions to Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls
1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – how? – Easy, be yourself
2. Talk to her – about what? – Anything funny, huge, sweet
3. Share secrets with her – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs? – If it's serious (no pun intended), sure, why not?
4. Give her your jacket – what if I get cold? – It doesn't matter, just do it
- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] - No argument – shut up, James.
- Hug her from behind every now and then
6. Laugh with her – no argument – even if it's a bad joke
7. Smile with her – nothing to say – even when you feel like crying
8. Take pictures with her – with my invisible camera? – No, with mine
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, please don't get into an "I love you" fight. – Yeah. Not going to happen. – Good.
10. Be chivalrous – no argument - check
- Hold doors open
- Let her through first
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up – nothing to say - cool
12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it – and if she doesn't? – She secretly does
13. Stand up for her – what if she's against you guys? – depends on the seriousness AND Siriusness. There's always a compromise.
14. Give her that stare every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one. – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather. – That 'I'm so into you' stare.
15. Hold hands – hmm fine. – Even in public
16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight – in werewolf form? – No.
17. Introduce her to us – let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral! – Thanks, Remus -.-
18. If she ever comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – I'm part pacifistic. – be a man, Moony.
19. Don't get jealous to see her with others – easier said than done. – I'm SO with you there.
20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it. – I don't know anywhere I want to go! – That doesn't matter; she can pioneer.
21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – retort unavailable – good.
22. Surprise her – with what? – Surprises.
23. DON'T pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you – and if she does? – She shouldn't; this'll show she's using you.
24. Give her room – how much? – Enough. However much she wants.
25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – okay. – Right.
- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite – I'm not buying you lilies, James. – Aww, Remus, I bet you've broken his heart now! Aww, Prongsies.
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating. – I honestly don't think that's possible. – I do.
27. Don't forget to say "I love you". – Okay. – Good.
'I've been calling you guys for ages!' Lily said impatiently, marching up to them. 'Professor McGonagall is chasing all of you down. Hello, are you even listening?'
No, Lily. No, they were not.
'What's this stupid piece of parchment that's attracting all of your attention, anyway?'
She snatched the parchment from Sirius and read it, her face growing softer with every number; she even went 'aww!' at a couple. She then took the quill from an extremely befuddled Sirius and wrote on it.
Lily Evans's Comments to Sirius Black's Additions to Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls
1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – how? – Easy, be yourself – and she'll slowly fall straight for you.
2. Talk to her – about what? – Anything funny, huge news, sweet stuff – and her and you.
3. Share secrets with her – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs? – If it's serious (no pun intended), sure, why not? – test her loyalty first. Give her a fake secret and see if she keeps it. It's mean, but it works ALL the time.
4. Give her your jacket – what if I get cold? – It doesn't matter, just do it – make sure you're still warm, though!
- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] - No argument – shut up, James. – Everyone loves hugs. Don't deny it, Black.
- Hug her from behind every now and then
6. Laugh with her – no argument – even if it's a bad joke – you can tell her if it was a bad joke; she'd already know.
7. Smile with her – nothing to say – even when you feel like crying – if you ever DO, make sure you talk to her if you can.
8. Take pictures with her – with my invisible camera? – No, with mine – dip them in that potion and frame some or paste them onto your dormitory wall thing – she'll love you for that.
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, please don't get into an "I love you" fight. – Yeah. Not going to happen. – Good – seconded.
10. Be chivalrous – no argument – check – she'll love that.
- Hold doors open
- Let her through first
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up – nothing to say – cool – that's nice (:
12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it – and if she doesn't? – She secretly does – she just says she doesn't.
13. Stand up for her – what if she's against you guys? – depends on the seriousness AND Siriusness. There's always a compromise. – No worries, I'm still alive.
14. Give her that stare every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one. – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather. – That 'I'm so into you' stare. – She'll love you for that, too! Intense moments.
15. Hold hands – hmm fine. – Even in public – sweet.
16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight – in werewolf form? – No. – You'll find a way around this.
17. Introduce her to us – let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral! – Thanks, Remus -.- - ha, ha! Laugh out loud!
18. If she ever comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – I'm part pacifistic. – be a man, Moony. – Just be you.
19. Don't get jealous to see her with others – easier said than done. – I'm SO with you there. – Shut up, guys.
20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it. – I don't know anywhere I want to go! – That doesn't matter; she can pioneer. – She'd love to.
21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – retort unavailable – good. – Awwwwwwwww!
22. Surprise her – with what? – Surprises. – You don't say -_-
23. DON'T pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you – and if she does? – She shouldn't; this'll show she's using you. – She'll want to pay.
24. Give her room – how much? – Enough. However much she wants. – Well said.
25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – okay. – Right. – Sweet (: if you keep on giving them and making no effort, though, they won't work.
- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite, one type in particular – I'm not buying you lilies, James. – Aww, Remus, I bet you've broken his heart now! Aww, Prongsies. – Comment unavailable.
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating. – I honestly don't think that's possible. – I do. – She is, even if she pretends not to be.
27. Don't forget to say "I love you". – Okay. – Good. – Okay … I love you, James.
28. Just be yourself, you don't need to change. She should love you for who you are: clever, amusing, fun, charming, chivalrous, brave and so many more qualities.
'Okay, you guys have completely messed up my list,' said James irritably, avoiding Lily's eyes. He read everyone's comments and then looked up at Lily, shock immobilising him. 'You're playing,' he spluttered. 'You've got to be joking me.'
'Well … it'd be a really bad joke,' Lily said shyly. She looked up at him, toying shyly with her hair. 'Not to mention mean and true.'
'Wow!' Remus gasped. 'James, if your Guide worked on Lily Evans then it'll definitely work on Kelly Bell!'
One date later …
'Come on, Remus, she wasn't worth it,' Sirius said, shaking Remus. 'If she didn't like the date, didn't like you, it just means you've got to move on.'
'I don't get it, though,' Remus moaned. 'How come the Guide worked for you and James, but not for me?'
'Remus, ol' friend,' Sirius said gravely, 'you were born to remain single for the rest of your life.'
'Thanks, Padfoot,' Remus said flatly.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this! Also, please note that this fic is a series of one-shots (unless stated otherwise), therefore each chapter is independent of the other.