Link vs. Cloud Strife: Case of the Ultima
Hair Gel
Note: I am not an anti Cloud person; it's just
that Dark Angel (Laura) REALLY annoyed me with her story, Cloud vs Link (The
Weirdo from the Zelda series). So this
is my follow up to her story. Again I
point out that Sheik isn't ***** because he is so much cooler than her!
It was a normal,
peaceful, sunny day in Hyrule. Until a
certain blonde Spiky-haired individual came and wrecked it all. Cloud thought that he had killed Ganon and
Link, but let's face it, we all know that he is WAY to puny to do anything like
that so they were just knocked out, leaving Ganon's minions to wreak as much havoc
as they could.
Link wakes up.
Link: Zelda? Hellooooooooooooooooo? Where are
you?
Ganon wakes up and
sneaks away.
Link: Where the %^&* do you think you're… Oh screw it; I have more important things to
do, like killing a certain person. Sheik!!
There is a flash
of light and Sheik appears.
Sheik: (Fed up) What? I'm not just here for you to summon me whenever you want y'know!
Link: Well what is sooooooooooo important that you
won't help me?
Sheik: I didn't say I wouldn't help you, but I was
trying to score with Nabooru… with Shadow!
Link: Oh this is more important than your deprived
love life! D'ya know where Zelda is?
Sheik takes
offence and turns away.
Link: Oh c'mon!! Help me and I'll……… I'll help
you score!
Sheik bursts out
laughing. He's laughing so hysterically
he falls on the floor.
Sheik: (Laughing) You..?! Ha ha! YOU, help
ME?!! Help me to score? Ha!!! That's a good one!!!
Link: Sheik!! Just help me please!!
Sheik: (His laughing dies down to mere hiccups) All
right, what?
Link: D'ya know where Zelda is?
Sheik: Zelda? Well word got round that blonde poof took her back to his world……
Link:
%^&*!!!! %^&* him!! You didn't stop him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheik: Well, I don't really give a toss about
Zelda......
Link looks angrily
and evilly at Sheik, his arms out like he's about to cast Din's Fire (Zelda
magic spell for those that don't know).
Sheik: (Kinda worried) But I do know Cloud's
ultimate weakness!!!!
Link: (Returns to normal) Really? What is it?
Sheik: It's that
cool, err gay hair of his! He can't
stand to have boring hair!
Link: (In
disbelief) His HAIR? No way, even HE
can't be that sad.
Sheik: It is! I'll prove it to you!
Sheik takes out
some Ultima Hair Gel out of nowhere and gives it to Link.
Link: What the
$%^& is this?
Sheik: That, my
indolent friend, is Ultima Hair Gel, "The Ultimate Hair Kit for the
Needy". Cloud is pretty needy, but not
in the hair department………..
Link: So what do I
do? Do I use it?
Link goes to puts
the stuff on his hair. Sheik screams
and dives in slow motion.
Sheik: Link! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sheik knocks Link
on the floor and gets in the way of the splodgy gel and it splatters all over
one half of his hair.
Link: What the
$%^& d'ya do that for you…..
Sheik gets up,
Link stares at him, trying to hold in the smirk on his face.
Sheik: What?
Link whips a
mirror from his bottomless item sack and gives it to Sheik. Sheik looks in the mirror and screams.
Sheik: Oh my
Goddess!!!!!!!!
Sheik sees that
one half of his hair has the exact same style of Cloud's. The exact same hairstyle. And with just half of his head like that, he
does look a little strange.
Sheik: You stupid
^%&*!!!!!!! What the hell am I
going to do?!!
Link holds up the
rest of the hair gel materia.
Link: The only
thing you can. You're gonna look so
weird.
Sheik: (With a
sarcastic, unpleased grin) Thanks.
Sheik takes the
hair gel and squeezes the rest on the other side of his head.
Link: (Looking
half mean, half laughing) Y'know, If you didn't have on your Sheikah clothes, I
wouldn't be able to tell you apart from that gimp.
Sheik backs away.
Sheik: Uhh….
Whatever. Just lemme tell you my idea.
Link: Shoot.
Sheik: Think about
it. If Cloud can't stand to have normal
hair and he needs Ultima Hair Gel to have that uhh, eccentric style of his, all
we need to do is get rid of all the materia containing Ultima Hair Gel!!!!!
Link: (Happy) And
he'll be so busy looking for it, I'll get my revenge!! (Normal) You're a bit of
a scheming git aren't you?
Sheik: (Modest)
Well, just a bit. It comes with the
job.
Link: One thing,
just WHERE is his world?
Sheik: Ummmm….
(Whips out the Final Fantasy VII manual) Hold on I'll find it.
Link: (A mean look
of rivalry appears on his face) Where did you get THAT? Hmm?
Sheik: (Again
scared by Link's evil look) Uhh, he left it here…..?
Link: Right
answer.
Sheik flicks
through the book.
Sheik: Let's
see. Shinra. No. Mako. No. Yuffie Kisaragi… (Drools) Hey
hey!! I'll stop here!
Link: (Snatches
the book) Give me that! (Looks at the
pictures) Tifa Lockheart? Uhh, I think
I'll keep this… (Flicks through) Ah,
here we go. Midgar.
Sheik does a
little hero pose and a vortexy thing appears.
Sheik: Let's go!
They both jump
through the swirling circle of empty space. Seconds later, another swirly circle of empty space appears in
Midgar. (I've only just started playing
FFVII, so if I'm a bit off, sorry! ^_^;;;) Link and Sheik fall through it.
Sheik: (Getting
up) This is……… different.
Link: What a
dump. I wouldn't rescue this place from
whoever's trying to destroy it. (To Sheik) That is the storyline right?
Sheik: Read the
manual.
Link: (Reading) A
struggle to determine the planet's future… blah blah blah, Shinra,
Avalanche. Oh, here it is.
Sheik: Taking the
book) Can Cloud and AVALANCHE protect the planet from the huge, formidable
enemy, Shinra. Inc.?
Link: Like hell he
can.
Zelda: (In Link
and Sheik's minds) Oh please!! Somebody, HELP ME!!!!!!
Link: What's
wrong?!
Zelda: Cloud's
with me. And he's, well, making the
first move!!!!!
Link: The
HELL?!!! Hold on Zelda, I'm coming!
Zelda's voice
disappears. Our heroes are stuck
thinking about what to do.
Sheik: Did I hear
that right?
Link: Yeah. Let's get this over with. Damn Cloud. I'll teach him to mess with my girlfriend!!!
Sheik: (Under his
breath) Wishful thinking. (Normally)
Let's go then. I wanna meet this Yuffie
girl.
They walk around
for a while looking for Materia stores. Actually, they don't know the area, so they walk for more than a while,
they walk around for ages. Ages and
AGES and A-G-E-S, and then they finally find one.
Link: Okay, I'll
walk in and ask whether they have any. If they do I'll distract him and you do you're whole disappear-reappear
thing, okay?
Sheik: Shouldn't
we wait until it's dark? Night is my
specialty.
Link: Fine, I'll
ask now and then we'll wait. And please
try to keep that new do under control.
Sheik: (Trying to
brush back his hair) Thanks for reminding me. When this is over, I'm going to kill you.
Link: (Nervous
smile) Oh..! I think I'll go in there
now then. Eh heh…
Sheik stays
outside and Link walks in the little shack-like Materia shop.
Link: Hi, you
don't happen to have any Ultima Hair Gel here do you?
Owner: Yeah, we've
got loadsa the stuff. Only one customer
that buys it though.
Link: Yeah well…
Owner: But I'm
surprised that anyone buys this stuff. I mean, dya know what kind of style this thing gives you? You'd have to be crazy to wear this. Take the guy that does buy it, he's
pretty…
Link: Yes! Okay! I'll go now if you're quite finished.
Owner: Nah, I have
to tell you! You see, it all started
way back in……
Link: Oh Goddess…
Link sneaks off,
leaving the owner of the shop to speak to some non-existent person.
Link: Okay, now we
wait. You better do this right.
Sheik: (Evilly)
Who said it was just me doing this?
Link: (Shrugs) I
dunno. But you're a Sheikah! Night is YOUR department.
Sheik: Oh no, I
know what you're up to. If I get
caught, you'll walk away. Well, that's
not happening. If I go down, you're
breaking my fall, understand?
Link: (Unnerved by
Sheik's quick mood swing) Okay! But
what's brought this on?
Sheik: I think
this stuff goes to your head.
Link: It better
not. If you turn into a Cloud wannabe
that'd just ruin the whole storyline of Zelda!
Sheik:
%^&*!!!!!!!! The game!!! What if someone's playing it now?!!
Link: Then they'll
just have to beat the game as Young Link, won't they? If we don't finish our job here, they won't have a princess to
rescue.
Zelda: I hate
to interrupt, but HELP!!!!!
Link: HOLD ON
ALREADY!!! It takes brains to pull this
stunt off.
Sheik: Which
is why I'm doing the thinking.
Link: Shut up.
Inside Cloud's
other house, (See, I'm way off aren't I?) which isn't in Nibelheim but
somewhere near where Link and Sheik are (very coincidental huh?), Zelda sits
down with a horrified expression on her face.
Zelda: Oh my
Goddess! Stop it!! Stop the madness!!!
Cloud: (Holding a
Playstation controller) But this bit's really really good!!!
On the TV in front
of them, we can see Cloud beating Rufus for the first time.
Cloud: You HAVE to
see this part! Don't I look really cool
on this motorbike?
Zelda: (Covering
her eyes) I don't care, I'm not looking!!! I'm not looking!!
Cloud pins her
hands behind her back.
Cloud: Watch it,
you stupid '64 girl! You'll love it!!
Zelda, insulted by
the remark, bites Cloud's arm. Cloud
yelps and lets go.
Zelda: I'm a '64
girl and proud of it!!! You're ruining
my game! If I'm not there, millions of
people will have no one to rescue! Think of the chaos!!
Cloud: (Rubbing
his arm) Oh, like I care. Now, try this
minigame. It's easy enough, even for
you.
Zelda, against her
will, starts to play the motorbike minigame.
Back at… uhh,
wherever it is Sheik and Link are, it is nighttime.
Sheik: Okay, this
is dark enough. C'mon, let's go.
Sheik gets up, but
sits back down again when he hears the unpleasant sound of someone snoring.
Sheik: Oh, please
don't tell me you're………
Sheik turns around
and finds his thought confirmed. Link
is sleeping.
Link: Zzzzzzz…… Oh
Tifa, let us rule Hyrule together. Zzzzzzzz…… Huh? Forget about
Sheik, Yuffie, live with me…… Zzzzzzz………
Sheik angrily
starts to shake Link.
Sheik: Wake up you
$%^£in' lazy arsed %^&*^%&%^%*^%&%&*%&%$^%$^$$^^!!!!!!!!!
The unnatural
sound of Sheik swearing startles Link as he wakes up.
Link: What?? What
now?
Sheik: Are we
gonna do this or not?
Link: Okay
okay!! I'm ready. Let's…… Who is that?
Sheik turns around
and sees a shadowy figure sneak into the Materia Store.
Sheik: Let me see.
Sheik takes out
the Final Fantasy VII manual and skips to the part where the character's
profiles are. He pauses and looks up, a
goofy, love struck smile on his face.
Link: Well? Who is
it?
Sheik: (Drooling)
………………… It's Yummy……………… Uhh, I mean Yuffie………………
Link: Wahey! Let's get in that store!
Link starts to run
towards the store. Sheik does his
appear-out-of-nowhere trick and dashes in front of Link and pushes him over.
Sheik: Sorry Link,
you're stuck with Zelda. I'm sure
she'll be more interested in someone nice and single.
Link: Yeah sure,
someone like me! I never said I was
going out with her did I?
Sheik: Yeah you
did! Remember, "I'll teach him to mess
with my girlfriend!!!"?
Link: Well
I………… Hold on a second! Why would she be sneaking into the store at
this time?
Sheik: That's
actually a quite smart question coming from someone with your intellect, let's
find out.
They both walk
casually into the store and find Yuffie. She is holding a sack and is shoving all the Ultima Hair Gel Materia
inside it!
Sheik: What ARE
you doing?
Yuffie turns
around and sees that she has unexpected company.
Yuffie: Well you
see, I….. uhh…… TIFA!!!!!!!!!
Tifa appears.
Tifa: What are you
two doing here? In fact, who the hell
are you?!
Link places his
hands on his hips and puffs up his chest.
Link: (Smugly) I'm
Link, the Hero of Time!
Sheik just sighs
and shakes his head.
Sheik: I'm
Sheik. Forgive Link, he's kinda
not-all-there.
Tifa and Yuffie
both start to laugh.
Yuffie: Why? Why do you have THAT hairstyle?
Sheik: (Trying to
flatten his hair, but it's rock solid) That was Link's fault. I was showing him the Hair Gel and well, you
can kinda guess what happened.
Tifa: Maybe, but
that's Cloud's hairstyle! You're
stealing his originality!
Sheik: It was an
accident!!!! (Looking at Link) And
someone's going to pay for it.
Link: Oh, well
uhh….. Gee, would you look at the time? I should go.
Sheik: You're
staying here fairy boy. Speaking of
Hair Gel Materia, can I ask why you're stealing it?
Tifa: (Angrily)
Cloud's brought home some new girl called Zelda and is now spending all his
time with HER!!!! He'll never notice
me!!
Yuffie: We're
going to teach him a lesson by stealing the Materia.
Sheik: (Smiling) You know what Yuffie? You might just be able to help us.
Yuffie: Huh?
Sheik: (Whispering
to Link) We have the same idea, we're a perfect match!
Link: (Whispering
back) I don't care which one I get, let's just get this over with.
Yuffie and Tifa
look at each other, wondering what Sheik and Link are talking about.
Link: (Seizing his
opportunity) How about this Tifa? I'll
help you with your little revenge plan AND take this Zelda girl back to umm,
wherever it is she came from.
Tifa: You would?!!
Tifa runs up to
Link and hugs him. Link winks at Sheik.
Link:
(Telepathically to Sheik) I am too good!
Sheik: No,
you're not. (To Yuffie) He means WE'LL help.
Tifa lets go of
Link and picks up some more Hair Gel Materia.
Tifa: Well come on
then. There's no time to lose. I can just imagine what he's doing with that
girl; I used to be the only person he played games with!
Sheik: (Whilst
packing away the Materia) So you're a ninja huh? Wow, we've got something in common because I'm a Sheikah.
Yuffie: And that
is..?
Sheik: (Not
realizing that he's only making a fool of himself) It's kinda close to ninja,
only not. It's what we're called in Hy—
Link: (Coughing
loudly) AHEM!!
Sheik:
(Remembering that Link doesn't want Tifa to know where they're from) Uhh… It
doesn't matter.
Tifa: (Whilst
fumbling with the Ultima Hair Gel) I'll teach that Zelda to mess with my future
husband…
They all steal the
Hair Gel Materia and by morning they are well away from the store and it's
gossipy owner.
Meanwhile, back at
Cloud's house:
Cloud: ARGH!!!!!!!
Zelda: Now what?
Cloud some into
the room, Zelda bursts out in hysterics and rolls on the floor.
Zelda: Ha! You!!
Ha ha!!!! You look REALLY weird!! Ha ha!
Cloud tries in
vain to cover his flat hair and looks around for "The Ultimate Hair Kit for the
Needy".
Cloud: Where is
it?!! Oh no!!
Zelda: What?
Cloud: I can't
find my Ultima Hair Gel Materia! Come
on, we need to go down to the Materia Store and buy some more.
At ye olde Materia
Store.
Cloud: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Owner: (Nervously)
Sorry! I don't have any!
Cloud: (Meanly)
But you ALWAYS have that Materia!!!!
Owner: (Still
scared) I had loads left after I locked up! Someone must have stolen them!!
Zelda starts to
have her laughing fit again.
Zelda: (Between
laughs) Well done Link! Ooooo, I'm
gonna treat you to a day in the Sacred Realm when we get back!! And then after………
Cloud: Link!! That $%^&!!!!!!!! (Grabbing Zelda) Come on, we're gonna find
him!!!
Cloud and an
unwilling Zelda start to walk around all of Midgar and, eventually, they too
hear the unpleasant sound of someone snoring. Cloud walks towards the pneumatic drill-like sound and find Tifa,
Yuffie, Link and Sheik lying on top of a giant, bulging sack.
Cloud: The search
is over.
Hearing Cloud's
voice, the four all get up.
Sheik: Oh
%^&*. (Looking at Link) I knew we
shouldn't have stopped to watch that stupid Pokémon movie!!!
Link: But I wanted
to find out what happened to Pikachu…… It's not my fault we fell asleep!!
Cloud just stares
at the two arguers. After they finish
their small outburst, he notices something that shouldn't be there.
Cloud: You
$%^&!!!!!!! What are you doing with
MY hairstyle?!!!!!!!!
Sheik: You can
blame my little friend Link here.
Tifa: Cloud, did I
ever mention how strange you looked with flat hair?
Cloud: That's
because I never let you see me with flat hair Tifa. (To Link) I thought I killed you!
Link: (Laughing
sadistically) You could never kill me!!! Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!
Sheik, frightened
by Link's peculiar likeness to Ganondorf, backs away.
Sheik: And I
thought the Hair gel was going to MY head…
Cloud: You and me,
one on one right now!
Link: Bring it on
little man!
Cloud unsheathes
his sword and holds it in front of him.
Cloud: Oh
$%^&!!!!!!!!
But finds that he
only has his Buster Sword (Or whatever the fist sword you have is) in his
hands.
Cloud: Oh, this is
just great…
Link: Well,
this'll be too easy. (Draws his sword)
I… £$%^!!!!!
Link sees that he
has only got his Kokiri Sword with him. He turns around to Sheik, looking for support.
Sheik: Oh!! Well I……… how did that happen? I didn't have anything to do with it,
really. (In Link's mind) There was
no way that I was going to let you walk off with Tifa!
Zelda hears the
telepathic comment and stares at Link.
Zelda:
Link!!!!! You were going to walk off
with HER??!!
Tifa: I thought
you didn't know Zelda?
Cloud: You were
going to take away my uhh, bestest friend??!
Tifa looks
saddened that Cloud didn't say what she wanted him to (I think we all know what
that is!) Link places his hand on his head.
Link: (With a
nervous, please-don't-hurt-me smile) You know what Zelda? I think we should go home now, whaddya
reckon?
Sheik: You're
in deep &*(% now!
Zelda, Tifa and
Cloud roll up their sleeves. (Run Link
run!)
Link: ……………………This
isn't good……………… (Holds out the Kokiri Sword) Stand back!! This was pretty lethal when I was a
kid!! You want some of this??
Zelda: Oh please.
Zelda uses some
white magic and knocks the sword out of his hand.
Link: Okay, now
this REALLY isn't good. You know what I'm
gonna do now? I'm gonna………
Before finishing
his sentence, Link summons a vortex back to Hyrule and jumps through it.
Link: (á la Snake
from The Simpsons) Bye!
Zelda: After him!!
Zelda summons
another vortex and her, Cloud and Tifa jump through it.
Cloud: (From within
the vortex) Got you, you stupid little……
Back in Midgar,
Yuffie and Sheik are just left to watch.
Sheik: You know
what Yuffie?
Yuffie: What?
Sheik: I think
that me and you should go to Hyrule, get high on burnt Deku leaves and then……………
Yuffie listens
intently to Sheik's words.
Yuffie: Oh Sheik!!