THAT'S WHAT COSTUMES WERE MADE FOR...
At the radio station, Frasier was on line with a return caller, Zoe. A Jack-O-Lantern had been placed on his console, it's lighted grin and eyes stare out as if it's always been in on the joke all along.
"Go ahead, Zoe." Frasier requested.
"Last week you were talking about facing what you called, "common fears", Doctor Crane?"
"Yes, that's right, Zoe. Did you have any fortune with that suggestion?
"Well, over the weekend I did rent the movie, "Psycho"."
"Ah-yes, a bone-chilling classic, sure to give anyone a worthy fright."
"Well, it did much more than that Dr. Crane. I'm absolutely terrified to set foot in my shower."
"Well there is actually a surpassingly simple method for overcoming that specific type of phobia, Zoe."
"Really?" Zoe said hopefully.
"First, try washing yourself for the time being in another part of your home."
"Okay…"
"After each wash, or whore's bath…" Frasier said with a light chuckle.
"Excuse me?" Zoe asked, sounding offended.
"Just a joke. Remember, humor can be medicinal."
"Uh-huh…"
"Now this is the important part, after each wash you'll move closer and closer to your bathroom, until eventually you're back soaking in the tub. It may seem silly at first, but of course your only other option, I suppose, is to move to the South of France." Frasier said with a laugh.
"I am French, Doctor." Zoe said perturbed.
"Well, I guess you'll only be facing this problem once a week then, huh, Mademoiselle?"
"I'm a married woman, you stupid jer—"
Before Zoe could finish her rant, Roz thankfully cut her of by chiming in with a commercial break for "Spooktacular Savings on candy and costumes at K-Mart."
Frasier entered the production booth. He found Niles standing there alongside Roz.
"Merci beaucoup." Frasier immediately said to Roz.
"You're muy welcome." Roz said as she fiddled witha handful oftapes.
"What are you looking at?" Frasier asked Niles.
Niles looked at Frasier, taking a beat to respond.
"And I quote, Well, I guess you'll only be facing this problem once a week then?"
"Well pardon me, if I'm trying to bring a little levity to my show, Niles." Frasier protested as he rifled through a stack of papers.
"You're Dr. Frasier Crane, not, Ta-ta Fooey."
"It's Baba Booey, but nice try, Niles." Roz said.
Niles continued. "At any rate, leave the scatological humor to the professionals, Frasier. Just worry about neurosis."
"Roz, where are the rest of the plugs?"
"Up there." Roz said pointing to a shelf.
"Niles, the only thing I'm going to be helping, is myself out of job, if the ratings don't pick up soon."
"Frasier you've just got a case of the ratings blahs." Roz said before turning to Niles.
"He went through the same thing last quarter."
"Well, dearest brother, I may just have the cure for your blahs. Maris is throwing one of her splendid Halloween parties. It promises to be the gala event of the year, and it never fails at doing so. You're invited too, Roz."
"Oh, thanks Niles." Roz said with a bright smile.
"Forgive me Niles, but your cure harkens back to an age, when they dealt with a headache by removing the head."
"Betty Mildred will be there, Frasier."
"Betty 'Boop' Mildred?" Frasier said with unmasked interest.
"One in the same, dear brother."
"Who is Betty 'Boop' Mildred, and where did she get a name like that?" Roz said with a broad grin.
"She came to one of Maris's Halloween parties as the cartoon character. Frasier took a special shine to her."
"Really? So did you and Betty ever hook-up?" Roz asked Frasier.
"Sadly, no. I had just separated from Lilith, and thought rather foolishly that I could still salvage the marriage. In other words, I was still very much off the market." Frasier responded to Roz.
"And the dating world reeled." Niles chirped in.
Frasier smirked at Niles.
Later the next night at Maris's Halloween costume party….Frasier was dressed as Henry VIII, Roz as Glenda the Good Witch, Martin in a gorilla suit (his mask off), and Daphne in a sexy black cat costume. Niles spots them and approaches, he's dressed as Charlie Chaplin.
"Well, I'm glad you all could make it. Daphne, you're looking purr-fect."
"Wow, this is quite the lavish spread, Niles." Daphne tittered.
"Thank you, Daphne. I'll be happy to give you a personal tour later."
"Niles, the little witch's room?" Roz asked.
"Is something wrong, Roz?" Niles asked.
"Yeah, Frasier's scenic route here didn't feature a rest stop."
"Down the hall, third door on the left."
"Thanks." Roz said before exiting.
"So, Niles, where're you keeping the treats stashed?" Martin said, rubbing his paws together.
"And how are you, my loquacious little ape father?"
"I know what you're going to say, Niles, how could I wear the gorilla costume again, right?"
"Actually, I was going to ask you how you managed to get the beer stains out. But to answer you're first question, there is a buffet table set up on the terrace, sorry, no bananas."
"Come on, Daphne. Before the rest of those upper-crust creeps clean house." Martin tugs Daphne by the arm.
"Hey, take it easy King Kong!" Martin and Daphne exited out to the terrace.
"So, Niles, which ghoulish visage belongs to Maris, or did she even bother?" Frasier said scanning the party's costumed throng.
"She's overseeing the help as they prepare further delicacies. In swifter terms, beware the kitchen of the damned."
Roz returned, with drink in hand.
"All right, now I'm ready to boogie." And as if on cue a "Saturday Night Fever" Travolta look-alike hustling her off in the direction of an emerging dance floor.
"It looks like the Good Witch, just went bad." Frasier quipped.
One of the hired helpers approached Niles and whispered into his ears.
"Oh, dear." Niles said worried.
"Niles, what's wrong?"
"Maris has fled the party.".
Frasier grabbed a drink off a passing tray.
"And that's a good thing, right?"
"No, it's awful. She was apparently distraught over the creme brulee being to cremey. Something as insignificant as that can throw Maris into a maddening tiff. There's no telling what she'll do."
"Perhaps we should alert the local police, Niles, before Maris starts putting actual sponges in the sponge cake."
Another party staffer approached Niles, and whispered in his ears.
"Oh-no…Maris has fled into the woods, Frasier!"
"Here's a riveting postulate, Niles. If Maris falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it, does anyone give a hoot?"
"Does that mean you're not going to help me search for her?"
"Niles, I practically just walked through your door, and I'm here looking for Betty Mildred not the Ghost of Valium Hollow."
Niles gave Frasier a pleading look. Frasier knew he had to crack.
"All right, I'll help you. But I don't carry, or lift." Frasier quaffed his drink.
"Let's go find the old witch:"
Into the woods…Niles and Frasier push through a thicket
"Niles, are you sure she went this way?"
"Absolutely, she's wearing a perfume called La Defeated. It causes my—" Niles sneezed.
"--my sinuses to act up."Niles pulled a hanky from his pocket and blew.
"She wears it to deliberately annoy me!"
"Niles, look! What light through yonder breaks?"
"The old May Manor, she might be there."
Shadows from moonlit trees sway eerily against the fire scarred walls of the old Victorian manor. Frasier and Niles make there way up the steps to the porch.
"Niles, are you sure Maris could have gone in here?"
"Perhaps. Once, Maris was so furious over a recent catering incident, she followed the chef on foot to the next fete, just so she could eerily shun him."
"Niles, I've never seen this place before. What happened here?" Frasier asked with apprehension.
"I'm no sure. I know it's been abandoned for sometime now, regardless of our dubious light source."
"Odd, that light doesn't seem to be on anymore."
"It is rumored the place is haunted, Frasier." Niles whispered.
"Why are you whispering?"
"Property values…"
A sharp howl cuts the darkness
"Niles, why don't you enter first." Frasier said moving behind Niles.
"Frasier, you can't be serious?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Niles, I just don't want to give Maris a fright by suddenly barging in."
"Well, I do hope that's all it is…"
Niles took out the hanky and began polishing the doorknob.
"…you above all know the dangers of nurturing an unreasonable fear, a fear no less of a haunted house; an old wives tale told as a measure to scare off vandals and vagrants. I mean really, Frasier…" Niles opened the door.
"Frasier take a look at this..."
"What is it, Niles?" Frasier said peering into the darkness of the doorway.
Niles then shoved Frasier through the door.
Inside the May Manor…Frasier stood in the lengthy and once elegant vestibule, now charred by fire. Frasier looked upward, a massive, dusty crystal chandelier hung over his head, the rest of the foyer had been completely gutted. Niles stumbled in right behind Frasier.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Niles? Why did you shove me!"
"I'm sorry, but I did it for our safety."
"And praytell, how is that?"
"If any rapscallions were hiding in wait I'd be the first one on my trusty cellular." Niles pulled out his cell phone.
"Whilst you created a clever diversion."
"And being shoved face forward into blinding darkness is what you consider a clever diversion?"
"Must I think of everything?"
"Look, there's obviously no one else here but us and Maris. Let's split up and find her so we can get back to the party."
"Agreed. I'll take the upstairs."
Niles charges up a bleak stairwell, only to quickly return.
"You found her all ready?"
"She's locked herself in one of the bedrooms. She so upset she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. I could see her through the key hole weeping in her party costume."
"What has Maris dressed herself as?"
"One of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Famine. She enjoyed the slimming effect it had on her."
"If you were to pick a costume for its slimming effect, that would be the one."
"Frasier, look!" Niles shouted with a fright.
Before Frasier could turn to see the figure emerge from the shadows, Niles had jumped into his brother's arms.
SOME GHOSTS HAVE ALL THE LUCK...
A toothless old man stepped out from the shadows…
"Niles, would you please get off me?"
Niles ashamed, stepped to the floor.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to give you two boys a fright like that. My name's Earl, I'm the groundskeeper here."
"And what a wonderful job you've been doing. Curious, how do you get the weeds to grow in that dizzying array over the stone fountain?"
"Niles!" Frasier barked.
"Excuse my brother's rudeness, he hasn't been the same since he had his brain stem removed."
"You two are brothers? Well, fancy that. What brought you to the manor?"
"Maris, my ex-wife, has locked herself in one of your upstairs bedrooms."
"Perhaps you know her, she lives in the estate just across the woods." Frasier added.
"I've heard that place is haunted by a frail ghostly woman." Earl said scratching his head.
"That would be Maris." Niles said.
"Will you two be staying until the little lady has calmed herself down?" Earl inquired.
"Frasier, I'd better stay. The last time Maris got this upset over a faux pas, she sniveled for a month. It was so bad her plastic surgeon considered removing her tear ducts." Niles turned to Earl.
"Do you mind if stay?"
Earl smiled. "Heavens no. Stay all you want. In fact, I have something here that might just interest two affluent gentlemen such as yourselves. Follow me."
Frasier and Niles exchange a quick apprehensive look before following Earl back into the shadows…
Earl picked up a kerosene lantern off the floor and turned it up; he led the Crane boys down a creaky old staircase.
"So, where might this foreboding staircase lead us, Earl?" Frasier asked nervously.
"To something that has been kept down here for far too long." Earl responded with a weird sort of smile and laughed.
Frasier caught a whiff of Bobby's noxious breath and teetered for a moment on the steps, luckily Niles was there to grab him, saving Frasier from a nasty fall.
"Thanks, Niles."
"Hold up, Frasier."
The boys stopped, allowing Earl to continue on down the winding staircase, and, once out of supposed ear-shot.
"Frasier, I don't like it. Who knows what he's got planned for us down there, a pack of hungry dogs, a gang of marauding bandits waiting to jump us…"
"Hopefully it's just an underground cold spring of minty fresh mouthwash that he plans to bathe himself in, Niles." Frasier stated queasily.
"You know, I can still hear yaw." Earl shouted back up the steps.
Frasier and Niles exchanged another apprehensive look before they continued down the dark stairs.
Frasier and Niles entered what was once an unmistakably impressive wine cellar. The tragic May Manor fire had consumed most of its prize vino bounty. Earl stood near an untouched rack of dusty bottles.
"It's a wine cellar, Frasier!" Niles said excitedly.
"Brilliant observation, Niles." Frasier retorted.
Niles snatched a broken bottle of he floor.
"Frasier, this is a bottle of Chateau La Foot 1775 Paris, France…"
"Can I offer you two fellows a glass?"
"Earl, are you sure you should be opening these?" Frasier asked.
Earl took a bottle from the wine rack and plucked out the cork with his teeth. He handed the open bottle to Niles.
"Well, bottoms up." Niles smiled and took a sizable swig.
"Niles!" Fraiser said protesting.
"Look, Frasier, after what I've been through tonight with Maris—"
"That's not what I mean, save some for me you glutton! Frasier grabbed the bottle away from Niles and guzzled down some.
"Well, I see it takes one gourmand to know another, Frasier!"
Earl laughed. "Don't fret none boys, there's plenty of spirits to go around. I wish I could offer you some Camembert and crackers to go alongside it."
"Perhaps, you could amuse us to the anecdote of why one would leave such a priceless wine collection unattended?"
"That I can oblige yaw with boys... The story starts just around 1910 with the McClain brothers vying for the affections of a pretty young Seattle socialite by the name of Margaret Foster May..."
Everything around Niles and Frasier suddenly dissolved into a flashback of…The May Manor in it's 1910 turn of-the-century prime. Niles and Frasier are dressed in that Edwardian era style of clothing: frock coats, straw hats, sterling silver canes, they each hold a bouquet of fresh flowers. A ragtime piano tune carried out the top room of the May Manor stops the boys in their tracks and they look up. Here, this day, spring has arrived.
Earl continued. "Now the McClain brothers were fiercely competitive with each other, and when it came to Margaret, it got pretty ugly…"
Niles and Frasier (as the McClain brothers) attack each other with their bouquets until there is nothing left. They look at each other dumbfounded…
"They decided to put an end to their bickering by allowing one of them to marry Margaret, but they couldn't decide which one it was gonna be…"
Niles and Frasier (as the McClain brothers) start slapping each other with their gloves.
"So the McClain brothers, after tiring themselves out, finally decided to leave it up to Margaret to decide on who she was gonna marry, unfortunately, she couldn't decide on neither. Then one fateful night, both boys decide to run off and elope with Margaret. A fight broke out between the boys, and a kerosene lamp got knocked over in the process. That's what caused the fateful fire that took out most of the manor; and also took the lives of young Nick McClain and precious Margaret Foster May. Supposedly, she never looked as radiant in her peignoir as she did that night... Shows you what jealousy and anger can get yaw. I hope you fellows take stock in my tale. I can see the kind of
stew this Maris has got you boys in." Earl tipped his wine bottle to the boys before taking a gulp.
Niles and Frasier took a look at each other before bursting out into laughter.
"What so funny?" Earl said looking shocked.
"You really don't know Maris do you?" Frasier asked rhetorically.
"Earl, what finally happened to Robert McClain?"
"Well, apparently, he was so grief stricken by what had occurred he used the rest of his fortune in trying to preserve and fix the damage he had done to both the manor and the community. But he couldn't escape the scandal. He spent the rest of his days living pretty much as a hermit and pariah."
"Was there any sort of investigation?" Frasier asked.
"Oh yeah. It was ruled an accidental death later in a superior court. Robert served no time, thanks to more than a few good lawyer types. I have a question for you boys."
"Yes." Frasier responded.
"Do you fellows always dress like Henry the VIII and Charlie Chaplin?"
Frasier suddenly realizing.
"Oh, we just came from a costume party, Halloween and all…"
"I see. You know, there's a book of old press clippings upstairs all about May Manor and the fire. I'll get it for you boys and be right back." Earl walked up the staircase leaving Frasier and Niles alone.
"I wonder how Maris is fairing..." Niles said into his bottle.
Frasier smiled.
"The story of tragic romance has got the Ol' heart strings plucking again, huh Niles?"
Niles looked into his just about empty bottle of wine.
"Virgil's shade, Frasier. I'm not that blotto'd yet, am I?"
Meanwhile… right outside the porch entrance of May Manor, Roz, Martin and Daphne appear.
"Daphne, are you sure this is it?" Roz asked.
"Well, this does seem to be the only burnt out manor on the block. It's a stretch, but I'd say this is the place. " Daphne responded.
"I hope they're okay..."
"I wonder why they'd come here?" Daphne mused.
"Maybe they were running from someone or something..." Roz said with a worrisome look.
Martin examined the manor's front door.
"Now don't let your imaginations get away with you. If they were being chased, Niles wouldn't have had time to polish the doorknob, or the knocker." Martin said with mild surprise.
"How do you know it was Niles?" Daphne asked.
Martin bent down picking something up of the porch floor boards.
"Easy. He left an embroidered hanky at the scene of the crime."
Martin swings open the door.
"I got a bad vibe here, guys, souls in torment sort of thing." Daphne stated forebodingly.
"So, which one is going in first?" Roz asked in dread.
Martin and Daphne exchanged one quick look and pushed Roz through the dark doorway.
"That not funny guys!" Roz shouted back out through the darkness.
Martin and Daphne exchange a quick smile and enter.
Back down in the wine cellar…Niles and Frasier are on the rack, so to speak.
"Niles, you've barely scratched the eighteenth century. Why stop now? One more bottle and you'll have worked your way up to the Declaration of Independence!"
"Frasier, you know very well, I'll be more than happy to reimburse anyone—"
"Wait, Niles. I hear voices..."
Niles looked at his bottle.
"Which bottle have you been drinking from?"
Martin, Roz and Daphne walked down the stairs and entered the cellar.
"Dad? Roz? " Frasier said with some surprise.
"Daphne?" Niles said with some wine instilled bravado.
"There you guys are." Roz said.
"When were you guys planning on coming back to the party?" Martin asked.
"I suppose as soon as Maris pulls herself back together." Niles said post hiccup.
"Niles are you drunk?" Martin asked.
"I love you dad." Niles stated.
"I'll take that as a yes." Miles said.
"We're also waiting for the groundskeeper, Earl to return." Frasier added/
"Groundskeeper? We didn't see anyone else, Dr. Crane." Daphne said puzzled.
"Yes, he's the one who showed us to this wine cellar. You must have passed him on your way in." Frasier said.
"No, we saw the open door, and then heard your voices." Martin said.
"Well, that's odd…" Frasier said pondering.
"You said Maris was here?" Roz said with confusion.
"Is here. She's locked herself in the upstairs bedroom." Niles said again post hiccup.
"How much have you guys really had to drink?" Martin asked.
"We just left Maris at the party, guys." Roz stated.
"Yeah, she even told us where to find you." Daphne added.
"She what?" Niles said suddenly agog.
Daphne continued. "Yeah. Right before she told us where you were, she said something rather cryptic 'some tricks are better than some treats'. Then she laughed."
"Actually it sounded more like a cackle." Martin added.
Niles and Frasier looked at each other, a we've been duped expression carries both their faces. Frasier grabs the lantern and he and Niles jog quickly up the steps.
"Where the heck are they going?" Martin asked more than a little confused.
Frasier and Niles burst into the bedroom where Niles first spotted Maris. Niles removes a small tape player hanging from a coat rack with a white sheet draped over it. Niles pushes the play button, and a woman's laugh echoes around the room.
"Another of Maris's priceless pranks." Niles said clicking off the tape player.
"Yes, and once again the Cranes are made to be the punchline."
Daphne, Martin and Roz entered the bedroom.
"What the devil got into you two?" Roz inquired.
"And I suppose the whole infamy of the creme brulee being too cremey was a complete ruse as well." Niles said to Frasier.
"The creme brulee was fine." Roz said.
"A little too sweet for my taste buds though." Daphne stated.
"I can just picture her now with the staff having a rich ol' chortle over our plebeian taste buds." Niles said.
"Jeez, lighten up Niles, it was just a practical joke.' Roz said.
"Pardon me Roz, but there was nothing practical about it. You haven't a clue as to what a social embarrassment this is. I was the host of the evening's events, not some two bit party clown hired to make amusing balloon animals."
"Gee, and you make it seem so low-brow." Martin said with a smirk.
"Niles, to paraphrase Albert Einstein, if we're beneath their understanding and sympathies, than we should be immune to their ideas and prejudices."
"Of course he was talking about Nazis, Frasier." Niles stated.
"Well, I said it harshly and I meant it harshly. Niles, you shouldn't start sticking up for Maris' behavior now. Let her have it for once." Frasier said.
"You're right, Frasier. I've got a full head of steam and I'm ready to let it blow." Niles said with bluster.
"Look, can we blow? This damp air is causing my bursitis to act up." martin said while rubbing his arm.
Daphne spotted something on the floor.
"Hey, what's this?" Daphne said picking up a faded old newspaper.
"Wow, the edition date is for, 1945." Roz said.
"Robert McClain dead at age 82." Martin read aloud.
"There's a picture."
"O-my, Niles isn't that groundskeeper, Earl?" Frasier asked.
"It can't be, unless—" Niles said in astonishment.
"Unless Earl is an extremely well-preserved 132." Frasier finished.
"To quote Shakespeare, Niles, there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
"This is more than a little strange, it's down right creepy." Roz said with a chill.
"I don't know about you guys, but I just got a serious case of the heebie-jeebies." Daphne said.
"Me too, let's get out of here." Martin added.
A strong wind suddenly howled through the open window blowing out the lantern. All quickly nodded in agreement and dashed out of the room.
The very next bright and sunny day…in Frasier's living room.
Daphne crossed the living room to answer the door.
Niles was there.
"Good morning, Daphne."
"Hello, Niles. You know, I can't understand why Frasier hasn't given you a key to the apartment. But than again maybe it's a better thing you don't you might catch me in a compromising situation." Daphne said with a light laugh.
"Well, what did you have in mind?" Niles said smiling.
"I don't know, dancing around on my bed in that slinky black cat costume, like some sex-starved teenage girl." Daphne said laughing.
Niles suddenly looked faint.
"Golly, how inopportune that would be."
Martin entered from the kitchen.
"Mornin', Niles."
"Dad."
"Frasier! Niles is here!" Martin said setting in his chair.
Frasier entered from the bedroom hallway.
"Niles, so what did you uncover?"
"Well, apparently, Maris has been secretly paying the property tax on the manor through the equity derived from an off-shore account in the Cayman Islands."
"So than she owns the land that the May Manor is on, Niles? " Daphne asked.
Niles nodded. "Apparently so."
"What about that Earl character you and Frasier ran into?" Martin asked.
"He still remains an enigma. My best guess, he was just a hapless squatter." Niles said.
"And what becomes of the wine, Niles?" Frasier asked.
"Maris apparently owns that as well." Niles said.
"Well, we must go there immediately and transfer it out of that decrepit cellar before all is lost." Frasier said with a sense of urgency.
"Not so fast, dear brother. Maris in her infinite generosity has decided to donate the wine to a fire relief fund, the rest will be auctioned off at Sotheby's in order to help pay for the restoration of the manor." Niles stated.
"Damn that woman!" Frasier said with grave disappointment.
"Well, I think that's awfully sweet of her." Daphne said.
"Not exactly, there is an alliterative motive involved here. You see after Maris' little trick on me, I decided to take Frasier's advice and play one on her. I had fifty Domino's pizzas delivered to the party."
"Oh, you didn't?" Martin said with a tinge of sarcasm.
"Oh, but I did." Niles said with a sly smile.
"Niles, you can hardly consider that a trick. A wealthy woman like Maris paying for pizza she didn't order?" Frasier said.
"Oh, but I can. You see it's not the monetary loss that the trick provides, but rather, the loss of all that is civilized."
"How do you mean, Niles?" Daphne asked.
"Once Maris gets a whiff of hot sausage and melted cheese she turns into a rabid eating machine."
Martin laughed. "Good for you, Niles."
"She concocted the auction to save her social graces than?" Frasier surmised.
Niles nodded and smiled. "Exactly. Altruism was never part of Maris's nature."
Daphne smiled proudly at Niles. "Apparently, revenge is a deep dish best served with sausage."
"So, you finally got the last laugh then? How satisfactory that must feel, Niles." Frasier said glowingly.
Niles bright smile suddenly faded. "Not in the least. My gimmick utterly backfired – after the guest fled, I was forced to watch Maris ransack through the muck of fifty pizzas, she was like a wild hyena possessed; as you can imagine it totally soured my brief sense of victory. Fortunately, the bartender had stayed."
Frasier patted Niles consolingly on the back.
Later that night…in Frasier's bedroom.
Frasier cowers under his covers as lightening flashes light up his room.
Wind and rain crash against his bedroom window. Frasier gets up out of bed and plugs in a nightlight, then crossed to bedroom door which he opened just a crack. Frasier then jumped back in bed, within a second Eddie scampered into his room, jumped into Frasier's arms and under the covers. The two fall peacefully asleep…