Moony's worst memory

A/N: In the mind of the one and only Remus Lupin during his time at school.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I am but a puppet on the slash strings of JK's creation.

Today was the day last of our exams, what joy. Celebration begins minus three hours. Padfoot and Prongs have already decorated the common room, ordered a feast from the house-elves and bribed Trelawney for booze. What a way to end the school year.

I read through the last of my answers, crossing out several unneeded words and adding others. Sure I can do no more I take a quick glance at my friends, Wormtail looked distraught and desperate, hastily scribbling away at the exam parchment and for what seems the thousandth time and Prongs was ruffling up his already untidy hair. On the other hand Padfoot looked calm, his feet resting on the edge of the desk, his arms behind his head. If it wasn't for the loud rustling of quills on parchment and several squeaks from Wormtail I would have swore he could have been fast asleep. A blonde Hufflepuff behind him whispered something I couldn't quite catch, but with the grin upon his face I could only imagine what she had said.

I snuck a glance behind but it didn't take me long to find you, your face barely visible behind the mass of thick black hair. Your hand flew rapidly across the parchment as your pale lips mumbled the answers you so eagerly wrote. I chuckled softly, by the looks of it you had written nearly triple what I had. I knew you'd be fine. Your dark eyes met mine, pupils wide from concentration.

'I told you.' I mouthed. A glimpse of a smile behind a curtain of black locks told me you were happy, and you had every reason to be. This was the exam you had been anticipating all year and by the looks of it, you was going to get an 'Outstanding' for sure.
You had been so nervous last night, cramming extra revision into the early hours as I lay next to you.

'I'm glad you're here' You whispered as you finally settled down for the night.
'I'm not doing much for your nerves though.' I said.
'You being here is enough..' You replied, planting a row of kisses upon my chest before cuddling up to me and falling into a well deserved sleep…

I left you to finish and turned my attention onto my own exam parchment, hoping I had done enough. In no time at all Flitwick had collected everyone's answers and we were free to leave.The others were already together when I joined them, Wormtail looked as though he was about to throw up but the other two seemed quite pleased with themselves.
"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Padfoot laughed as we emerged into the Entrance Hall.
I sniggered and replied back yet I was distance but they didn't seem to notice. Again I stole another look behind me and there you were, half-heartedly reading through the exam paper but I knew your attention was focused upon me.

It had been like this for nearly a year. Stolen glances and secret meetings whenever we thought it was safe to do so. I don't recall how it happened or when I fell in love, but I knew that this feeling was special, intense, powerful, and by the looks of it you felt it too.

I chuckled and joined the gang outside in the hot summer's sun, it was a beautiful day to end the exams with and I could imagine all of us in a few hours time, bellies full of Firewhisky, running down to the lake, stripping and diving into the cool water.
Havoc was defiantly second nature to my friends.

We settled underneath a beech tree that shielded the suns rays from our eyes. I withdrew a book from my bag and rested against it's thick trunk repressing a smile as I recalled a stolen kiss in the very spot where Padfoot was sitting. What Havoc he'd cause if the truth ever came out. Several times you had begged me to tell them, reveal who I truly loved, but as I told you all those times before, it was too difficult, how could they understand? This forbidden love was far to forbidden to be accepted, and so against your wishes we carried on in secret allowing them to think that I too hated 'that greasy haired, no good Slytherin.' I knew this broke you inside but you never let on, how could his lover love him if he was afraid to show others of their correlation?
But I wanted to make you happy, I would have done anything for you. That's why I promised myself three weeks ago I would tell my friends everything on the night of the last exam... And that night was finally upon us.
My heart flipped and all the nerves in my body twitched with anticipation and fear. Would they accept it? Would they accept you?

From behind my book I looked around, my eyes resting upon your dark shadow by the bushes near to us. You smiled at me, your face also hiding.
'Meet me tonight at midnight' You mouthed, a playful look upon your face.
I returned the gaze and asked where.
'You know where,' came your reply.
I nodded to show I understood. It was the first place we ever met alone and the first place we kissed. A broad smile swept across my face. I'll surprise him afterwards I thought, surprise him with (hopefully) good news that I had told the trio and we would now be able to live without secrets and lies.

Though this feeling didn't last long.

"Look who it is…" I heard Prongs say.
My eyes darted to James, he had already caught you leaving. I prayed that Sirius hadn't heard, but like a predator he had found his prey and was seconds away from pouncing.
"Excellent.. Snivellus.."
My heart sank, no good would come from this.

Before I could register what had happened you were thrashing about on the floor unable to escape the invisible ropes James had cast around your body. Your face was red from anger as you cursed and cried out desperate for your wand that lay several feet away. I went to stand up, to walk over and retrieve it but my legs turned to jelly. I couldn't move, I could only watch as I saw you being tortured by my best friends. You never deserved this.

My voice seemed lost. Then, Lily Evans came over and did what I should have done minutes earlier. She tried to stop Prongs and Padfoot in their favourite game but to no avail. Her words were distant, the scene of her and James arguing was faded... All my mind was focused upon was the person that I had loved for a year trapped and paralysed with no one around to help him. Not even his so-called lover. Your eyes burned into my soul, and they said nothing but in that very moment felt everything you did.
Deserted and betrayed by me, yet again.

"Look at little Snivelly," Prongs laughed, "Anyone would think you worshipped the Dark Arts the way you go about the place."
"Now now James, let's not insult his poor excuse of a girlfriend, it seems only books are interested in greasy hair and hooked noses-" Padfoot added.
"He must have soaked it in love potion then, I mean who would want to go with a thing like that?"

Wormtail joined in with the laughing but I stayed silent. I ushered them away as you ran along the corridor. I caught up with you later and you had that same look upon your face as you do now.

"I'm sorry." I said holding you tightly trying to erase all your hurt and my guilt.
"Tell them!" You cried, "Tell them Remus, please."
"I will, I will." I lied.

A tear slid down the side of my face as I watched you being catapulted into the air, no dignity left as the whole school watched on and laughed. They tired of you minutes later and with one last hex sent you on your way, broken and weeping.
"Your nose is running Snivelly you better run after it!" James shouted as roars of laugher echoed into the grounds.
I watched you as you ran, your black cloak flying wildly behind, your face hiding in your hands.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
I was too afraid to do anything, too week to act.

As I predicted the celebrations in the Gryffindor Common Room lived up to the hype that had been set all day. Everyone was enjoying themselves, drinking heavily and dancing in front of the fire to a small stereo someone. Everyone was happy but me, though they believed me when I said I was ill.
"Full moon nearly here." I croaked and fell back into despair.

I sat alone in the shadows ignoring the cheering and the dancing until it reached midnight. I made for the door but they caught me.
"And where do you think you're going Moony?" Prongs slurred as he thrust a half-empty bottle of Firewhisky in his hands. "You better drink this Wormtail can't handle anymore."
I gazed over to the fireplace where Wormtail lay snoring, his cheeks as red as the embers in the fire.

"I can't I'm meeting someone." I said.
"Oooo, is this the mysterious lover you have been sneaking off to all year?" Sirius chortled as he reached out for a black haired girl and kissed her passionately.
"You shouldn't hide it, come on tell us who it is."

I rolled my eyes and refused, leaving Padfoot to carry on with his conquest and James to finish the Firewhisky by himself. Running down the staircases as fast as my legs allowed as I hoped, prayed you would be there. I dived to the ground in the Entrance Hall, thankfully no Professors were patrolling, and made my way to Slughorn's potions cupboard, wishing that in several minutes time my love would be greeting me. I had already planned a speech to say, tell you how sorry I was, how it will never happen again and promise after this I was going to march back to the Common room and tell them exactly who I loved.

But you never came.

I waited. Hours past until I was certain that morning was nearly upon the castle. My tears were the only thing that comforted me that night. I expected you were the same, crying into your pillow because someone you loved dearly and trusted completely had left you bruised and your ego broken.For a week I looked out for you but you were no where to be seen. Not in the Great Hall, nor the Library, the Gardens or the Dungeons. Every night until the last night I stayed there, hoping that you would come, praying you could forgive me.

I waited and waited, but you did not come.

The scarlet train finally arrived to take us back home for summer. I longed to find you there alone in a deserted carriage so I could explain everything, show you how much I loved you and beg for your forgiveness. But you were just a whisper upon my lips, invisible to my eye. I went through the barrier of Platform Nine and Three Quarters alone and wounded. I said goodbye to my friends before heading outside. Then my heart leapt as I saw you at last; you looked as beautiful as ever, your cloak blowing softly in the wind, black hair cupping your pale face.
But the eyes that greeted me were a stranger's. No recognition, no warmth, no love.
You turned and departed.

I stood alone and abandoned.
You did not come back.

"I'm sorry, my love." I whispered.

"Goodbye."

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Alter/Ego