The Daily Prophet is pleased to bring you an excerpt from the renowned Gilderoy Lockhart's soon to be published Magical Me Too, containing an account of his extraordinary year teaching at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an Wizardry and some of his life afterwards. This is taken from chapter 37, 'Hearts Afire with Fear and Good Wishes for Yours Truly: Valentines' Day, 1993'.

….I was, after all, Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, and so I felt I had some responsibility to see that the school morale was kept high. Stiff upper lip's all very well, but what's needed in a crisis is a bit of fun. And who, after all, is more suited to arrange such fun than Magical Me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League? No one.

I was sure, you know, that the Heir of Slytherin had quit; after all, with me on the trail, who in his right mind would keep up such activities? I've already recounted for you, dear reader, the many things I'd already done to check the Heir of Slytherin in his tracks. But the school didn't think so, and as I told Minerva, we really needed a morale booster.

Of course the idea was triggered by my annual Valentine's Day Letter to fans, wishing them well. I know it cheers you all up to no end; I get hundreds of letter every year saying so. So I thought, well, perhaps that's what Hogwarts needs, a bit of a Valentine's celebration. I brought up the matter with Dumbledore – he agreed, bowing, I suppose, to my superior abilities and telling me to handle everything. I only took Professor McGonagall into my confidences, as I wanted it to be a surprise for the teachers as well as for the students. Minerva was speechless before my brilliance, naturally. She did ask if Dumbledore had approved it, and then just let me have practically free rein. So I hired a band of dwarves to play Cupid, worked out a few special enchantments, and waited.

The night before Valentine's Day I was marking papers in my office. Hermione Granger, as usual, seemed to have memorized my books. Good girl, I must remember to give her an autographed copy of my next book as soon as it comes out. Neville Longbottom, however, was sadly disappointing, but there was nothing new there either. Really, I was a bit too excited to concentrate, so I pushed back the papers and just looked around my office at all the gorgeous photos of me. Someone had once referred to me as Narcissus; after looking up the story I knew why. Narcissus was an incredibly handsome man; nymphs and such died for the love of him, but he was so beautiful none of them measured up. When he died he was turned into a gorgeous flower. What a lovely compliment, I always thought. I hadn't aged much in the ten years since I'd started my career – a walking advertisement for my own hair care potions! There was a picture of me in Transylvania, near the start of my career, shortly after I'd dealt with that werewolf. Well, sort of – the picture with that Romanian peasant who apparently liked killing monsters was somewhere in my belongings. I would never display that; his outfit clashed with mine dreadfully. Still, he had had some good advice to give; it's all in Wanderings with Werewolves.

The day dawned bright and early, and I was up with the sun, getting ready to make my appearance. I had a new, pink robe today that exactly matched the flowers I'd created in the Great Hall. The confetti would start falling as soon as the first students arrived. On the way I passed the Weasley twins with their friend Lee. Lee was standing next to the statue of Helena the Hideous, and apparently they didn't see me, because he kissed the statue. I walked up and tapped them on the shoulders – Lee and one of the twins, anyway, as I've only two arms! They spun around.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Just a bet, professor," Lee said.

"That's right," said one of the twins. "We bet Lee that we remembered more from your books than he did, and we were right."

"I see." I smiled jovially at them. "Well, Lee, perhaps you'd better study harder! And you boys are excused from that detention tonight. We needn't have bright boys like you addressing envelopes, eh?" Then I hurried on.

I was at the great Hall before many of the students, and was rewarded by the looks of awe on the faces of those just coming in. Ron Weasley, I noticed, was particularly impressed; he said hardly a word throughout breakfast and that's no mean feat, even for me! Minerva, I fear, was unwell, and not even my morale booster could make her feel better, and Professor Snape seemed upset, for some reason, when I carelessly mentioned love potions. Perhaps he wasn't capable of making them; I know they are very difficult to brew correctly.

All in all the day seemed to go well. The dwarves wandered about doing their job – apparently a lot of students sent humorous valentines because I'd frequently hear whole groups burst out laughing. The only note marring the day came at the end. I was back in my office and Snape walked in.

"Well, Lockhart," he said, "exactly what was the purpose of today's – activities?" He had a bit of a glare in his eye; I wondered if perhaps the dwarves had disrupted his class.

"A morale booster, Severus, of course. I think it worked perfectly, don't you?"

"No, Lockhart. You do realize the students are all laughing at you? They think it's ridiculous – and so do I." He paused. "And the next time you try anything like this, I'm going to speak to Professor Dumbledore myself."

I didn't say anything, just watched him let himself out. That had been interesting. Poor man, he must have some deep-seated resentment of my success. It was too bad the valentines didn't seem to have made him more cheerful. But honestly, saying the students were laughing? Ridiculous. I knew how much the school looked up to me – probably now more than ever. Perhaps I could do something around Easter? Or maybe just declare "Magical Me Day" so they could show their appreciation in some physical way. Yes, that sounded appropriate… hmm….

The publisher would like to thank the Lockhart Society for allowing this publication to print excerpts from Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart's Hogwarts journal. We're also proud to announce that Magical Me Too will be out soon, compiled from Gilderoy's own writings, interviews with those who knew him, and an introduction from Gladys Gudgeon, head of the Lockhart Society.

This story was of course written for Flourish's February challenge. Hopefully this is totally unique – but it always seems that I come up with astounding ideas and someone else has done it first. If so, I didn't read it and am not copying.

Everything here belongs to J. K. Rowling; I'm sure she won't sue but if she does I'll go mad with grief and pitch myself over a parapet. Oh, wait, the story of Narcissus belongs to whichever ancient thought it up.