This story was archived under my penname Loveatlast at The Road to Nowhere
"I had that dream again last night, except it was a little different. I told Robin about it the other day. She didn't say anything but I had a feeling she thought I was a little crazy."
She shifted on the bench and ran her hands down the front of her skirt to try and help ward off the cool weather. It was late March and while it was warmer than usual, there was a definite chill in the air. It had rained the better part of the week and the bench was still damp from the early morning showers. The dampness had bled thru her overcoat and skirt, but she was too lost in thought to care. While her body still felt the cold her mind had long since become numb to worrying about it. Her days, as well as her nights, were all the same now. It was robotic how she moved from one task to the other; never really giving anything much thought. Her friends were concerned; the other nurses whispered behind her back and then offered her sympathy to her face. Normally it would anger her at the betrayal, when all she had ever done was support them, but now it didn't even faze the normally emotional little woman.
She only showed emotion when she wanted too and the only time she ever wanted too was when she was here or with her boys. Even the boys could see a change in her. Cam was quieter and more independent, almost as if he was afraid to ask her for anything. Jake, who had always been a good baby anyway, was even more so. She had noticed him wanting to be held more often, though no whining or whimpering accompanied it. He just simply wanted to be held and she was unsure if he was compensating for her grief or his. While they may not understand, they knew. So every morning she fixed their breakfast, took them to daycare and worked. Then in the evenings, she fed them again, read them a story and it was off too bed. The only thing she did purely for herself was during the hour after she finished her nursing shift and before she picked up the boys. She came to this spot every day regardless of rain, sleet, or snow. It was the only time she ever allowed herself to be completely open, honest, and to let go.
"Carly came by again yesterday. She is trying I suppose, in her own way to help, but usually she just becomes frustrated and leaves. She told me that Sonny is unreachable. He just sits all day in his study, won't talk to anyone, won't do anything. Max is taking care of everything right now but she's worried that it won't be long before even he can't control the business or Sonny. The guards are still on me and the boys." She glanced off to her right to see the flicker of movement, a trench coat blowing in the wind. It no longer mattered to her about the constant invasion of privacy the guards inflicted on her. Most of the time she barely even knew the guards were there.
She looked down again to see the single white rose sitting beside her. Her hand grazed the petals almost as softly as a caress. "She's worried about him, I can tell. But I think she has finally come to the realization that there is nothing more she can do. He still has people out looking for your body, even after all this time. He won't let go of the possibility. I didn't say anything to her after that. She won't say it but she knows that I haven't let go either. No one understands why I come here, if even I can't accept it. I don't really understand it. I think it's just because I need to talk to you and no one will stop me here."
"Sorry, I'm getting off track again. I can almost hear you in my head teasing me about rambling." She smiled somewhat wistfully. She missed the way he teased her, the way he whispered the amusement in her ear, how she could feel his smile against her neck. She missed his light touch as he ran his fingers through her hair and the amusement would fall away to wanting as he would pull her closer to him. The memory caused a shiver to go down her spine. Those were the memories she treasured most; the one's she could almost physically feel.
"Like I was saying, I had the dream again last night. It has always been the same every single night but last night was different. I could hear the words spoken and instead of looking down on everything happening, I felt like I was in my own body, actually experiencing it." She was beginning to feel strangely excited about telling the dream. It had been a long time since she felt anything resembling excitement.
"We were on the beach and it was a perfect day. I was watching you. You were lying on a towel in the sand, with an arm draped over your eyes. I guess I had been playing in the tide and decided to play with you instead." She laughed a little as the image danced through her mind. "I was sneaking up on you with a sand bucket full of water. I remembering feeling so nervous thinking you would hear me. When I finally got close enough, I threw the water on you. I was laughing so hard as you jumped up off the towel. I swear for a minute I thought you were going for your gun." She laughed again, this time more bitter, at that very thought of his gun.
"Then you got this look in your eye, this glint of mischief. I knew that I was going to get pay back and I knew I wanted it. I turned and ran as fast as my feet could carry me in the sand, but you were quicker. You grabbed me around the waist and turned me around to face you. This time it was you that was laughing as I looked at you wide eyed, wondering just what my pay back would be. But again, you were quicker and before the words could come out of my mouth, you bent over and picked me up over your shoulder marching towards the ocean."
She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. She vaguely wondered if she was going crazy. The dream had seemed to take a life of its own and now felt more like an actual memory instead. It was odd, she knew, but regardless, it was how it was. She lifted herself off the bench and sat on her knees in front of the concrete slab. With trembling fingers she traced the name etched on it. She closed her eyes to blink back the ever threatening tears and took a deep breath. She could have sworn that just for an instant she smelled the ocean. Yes, she determined, she was definitely going crazy.
"You kept walking into the ocean until it was about waist deep and I just knew that you were going to throw me in. Instead you placed a hand on my back and gently glided me down the length of your body until I was half standing on my tip toes looking you right in the eye. I could see how much you loved me in your eyes. I could feel it in every part of me. Then you kissed me and it was incredible. We kissed for what seemed like forever, slow and sweet and exploring. It was like you had never kissed me before and you were learning me as I was learning you. But it was more than that. It was savoring and memorizing as though it was the last time. That's when the wind picked up and I could feel my hair blowing across my neck. We were so lost in each other that for a minute we didn't even realize what was going on."
"You saw it before I did. I could tell in how your body tensed against mine. Then I turned my head and it was already too late. A large wave crashed over us, separating us by several feet. I could feel myself going under the water and it burned my eyes and nose. I thought I was going to drown and so I kicked and kicked until I didn't think I could anymore and then I finally broke through. I looked frantically for you and then you surfaced. But by then the distance had increased and waves kept pulling us even further apart."
The tears started flowing down her face and she didn't even bother to stop them. Every morning she woke with the tears and she had long since stopped trying to deny them. This was the part of the dream that was usually lost to her. She could always see what was happening but could never hear the actually words spoken. When she realized this morning that she had, it was the only thing she could think of. She felt a dull ache in her hand and looked down to see the rose clutched tightly there. She pried her hand open to see fresh drops of blood were the thorns had broken through. Mesmerized, she continued to stare down at the wounds as she started speaking again.
"I was screaming for you. I said your name over and over as though I was chanting it." A lump grew in her throat at the thought of even having to say the next words. "You looked at me and it seemed like we were miles apart. Then you simply said Elizabeth and I stopped. I stopped screaming and crying and for a moment I think I even stopped breathing. Then you said something I don't think I will ever forget."
"I love you no matter how close or how far away. There will never be a time when you aren't with me. Don't be afraid, don't worry. I will find you. I will always find you."Elizabeth finally broke down in sobs as the last words slipped from her mouth. They racked her petite body as her chest heaved, aching for a breath. She had not broken down with the news of his death; she showed no emotion at the funeral or in the long days after. Finally she could no longer control the pain that rolled like waves through her.
"Why? Why are you doing this to me? God, please tell me why you left?" She continued to plead with him, with God, she no longer knew. At last her sobs slowed and the she was finally able to draw a strong breath. She gathered herself together and laid the rose at the foot of the headstone. She stood slowly and felt a relief, a burden fall from her shoulders. With a new outlook she looked at the grave one last time.
"I won't be back for a while. I don't know if you are alive or dead. I only know what my heart tells me and it tells me to find you, or at the very least to find the truth, and I will. Jason, I love you always."
She turned on her heel and headed toward the concrete path that led out of the cemetery. As she finally reached the gate, looked to the sky and noticed the clouds beginning to part as the sun broke through. She could feel the heat of the sun instantly start to warm her from the inside out. For the first time in 6 months, she felt like Elizabeth again. Hope sprang eternal. She was tired of being numb. One way or another, she was going to come out of this in the end a new Elizabeth.