Chapter one
Fear, guilt, shame. Since the past few months he couldn't think about something else.
No matter how hard Matt try to move forward, he was still stuck in the past. The memories never fade, the last months prove it right.
His brain never erase the pain. Sometimes he was glad to be blind so he couldn't see the marks that strews his body. However he can feel them. Every time he brushed the tip of his fingers against those scars, it was like he relived the moments again and again.
The rage, the anger, Matt had trouble hold back those feelings inside him. He once told his priest, he believed he had the devil in him. He could feel it, in his bones, in his heart, his soul. He was afraid to lose control over his body. He was afraid of himself.
He is not a saint is not a sinner. His ex girlfriend told him he was a martyr, that he will end up bloody and alone, that he should let people in, let someone help him. He didn't and she left. Claire, her name was Claire.
She was tired of his behavior with her, tired to not understand what was wrong with him, tired of being rejected every time she tried to touch him. Matt never turn her down before. He always enjoyed the feeling of her hands against his skin. But this was before the memories come back. Of course there was a reason however he never told her. He never told her about the scars either.
When she left she did say that she would always be there for him, he could knock at her door at three in the morning she would answer. She was a saint.
After she broke up with him he started pushing Foggy away. He met him in college, law school. When they graduate they opened a small law firm together. They were good together. He was his only friend. His family, his brother. Yet he didn't stop. And one day he screwed up. During a trial he let the devil out. They lost the case and Foggy told him it was over. There was no more Nelson and Murdock. Like Claire he was tired of his behavior. He remembered that she once told him "Keep pushing us away and you are really going to end up alone. Don't you understand that you hurt us ?" She was right. In less than a years he had lost everything. His girlfriend, his best friend and his job.
Here he was lying alone in his bed, too afraid to fall asleep. Matt sit at the edge of his bed trying to ignore the stabbing pain on his back.
"This is in your head, this is in your head." He murmured a few times for himself. "It's not real."
After a moment he slides in his shower. The hot water running down his skin slowly relaxed him. He breathe loudly trying to clear his mind.
He couldn't tell how long he stayed here, all he knew is that when he get out. he still felt dirty. He could scrub his skin for hours, yet this wouldn't change anything.
In the early morning he dressed himself with a black pants, blue shirt and a black jacket but no tie. It been a long time since his last visit at the church. However he already missed mass, but all he wanted was to sit on a bench. He put his glasses on his nose took his cane in his hand and left his apartment.
It's hot oustide and he was in the church since a moment now and it's still hot. Matt hated summer. He was sweating, his shirt was soaked and he felt even more dirty.
A strange feeling grown in him slowly. He feel safe here, vulnerable like he never was before. This was weird but right now despite the heat he feel good.
A loud breath came out of his throat. For the first time in months his mind was clear, he wasn't thinking about anything. No pain, no anger, no shame, no guilt. He was relieved.
When he left the church he heard a female voice behind his back. "Excuse me, are you Matthew Murdock ?" Matt nodded slowly facing her.
"I'm Karen Page from the Bulletin I..." She said but he cut her off before she could explain him anything.
"If this is about the trial..."
"Not it's..." The woman stop for moment trying to find the right words. Matt moved his head a little smiling. "I write an article about...how the church keep the silence about what happened at st Agnes"
His smile disappear at the second he heard the name. Suddenly the memories hit him, it was like a punch in the face. He tightened firmly his hands around his cane, trying calm himself down.
"I...how...you..." He stuttered, his voice shaking. "I read about that." He said more calm this time. "But Nelson and Murdock never worked on this case. I'm afraid I can't help you Miss Page."
Before he had the chance to walking away from her, she placed her hand on his arm holding him back. Matt tense in surprise.
"I'm trying to expose the truth Mister Murdock." She said softly as she let him go. "People need to know what happened in St Agnes, they need to know the church still keeps silent." She then put a card in his hand. "It's in braille. Call me."