Title: The Art of Conversation
Summary: There are some inside jokes only Team Seven will ever understand.
A/N: Just practicing dialogue-heavy stories and writing nonsense. I found this story in my writing folder buried under more than six months' worth of cyber-dust and thought I might as well finish it.
Warnings - cursing, perverted immaturity, and all-around insanity (on my end) that comes with being a crackfic.
And yes, I named the title of this story after The Art of War (but only the title— I've never read the book before.)
"Sai, what interesting books have you read recently?"
Sakura lifted herself up onto her elbows to look at her teammate sitting propped up against a nearby tree. He had been drawing a squirrel he managed to bribe with acorns for the past half hour while they waited for their sensei to show up.
As usual.
In fact, the four of them probably had at least another hour to kill before their sensei would even consider arriving.
Her other two teammates opted to lay down in the middle of the training field with her, the early afternoon sun and light breeze a welcome break from their recently busy schedules. They looked up at her in confusion and disbelief when she asked the question that (surprisingly, given who they were) broke the silence.
"Sakura-chan, why are you asking Sai? You know the only thing he reads are boring books," Naruto huffed. "Even I don't need a book to tell me I shouldn't comment on Ino's weight."
"That's because you learned the hard way," Sasuke retorted. "Dobe."
"Shut up teme!"
Ignoring the two as they started bickering, Sakura waited patiently for Sai to get to a good stopping place on his sketch. When he looked up from his sketchbook, she raised her eyebrow in question.
"I just finished rereading The Art of Conversation on our last mission," Sai responded, putting aside his drawing materials in order to stretch his legs.
"Ne, Sakura-chan!" Naruto broke the staring contest he was having with Sasuke. "You never answered my question! I mean, why not ask me instead? I have tons of books I can share!"
"Dickless, Hag asked me because," Sai said, walking over and sitting down to join the rest of his team, "the only comprehensible titles you own begin with the words Icha Icha."
Naruto gave him a look. "So?"
Sai elaborated.
"She prefers her reading materials in an unstained condition."
It took a moment for Sai's comment to sink in, but when it did, Sakura's reaction was immediate.
"Sai, ew, that's just gross!" Sakura scrunched up her nose in disgust at the thought. "I never thought about it like that before but now that you mention it… ugh. Ignorance would have been bliss."
"Hey, I clean up just fine… most of the time!"
"Dobe, we don't need to hear any more about your perverted habits."
"You act as if you've never stayed over at his place to read them before, Sasuke. Why don't the both of you just shut up? Please."
"…Hn."
"And this is why I don't ask you two for books, although the clan compound has plenty of interesting historical scrolls. Well, partly why," Sakura corrected. "I only want to do some light reading tonight before our mission tomorrow. Sai's books have some fascinating insights on the human mind."
"… That's light reading?" Naruto asked, confused. He began to open his mouth but closed it before any words came out. He appeared to be thinking hard about something before he opened his mouth again.
"Isn't it insulting to call Sai's books 'light reading'? I mean, I'm insulted and I don't even read Sai's books!"
"That's because they're too hard for you to understand," Sasuke said. "Dobe."
"Shut the fuck up, teme. I wasn't talking to you!"
"Hag," Sai said, getting Sakura's attention, "of course you may peruse my bookshelf. Feel free to take The Art of Conversation—it discusses many fascinating insights on the human interaction."
"'Fascinating insights' for you or for me? Because I've learned that what fascinates you rarely means much for most humans."
Sai shrugged as he plucked a blade of grass. Pressing it between the sides of his thumbs, he began blowing into the space between them. The sound that emitted from his actions was a mix between a honking duck and high-pitched screeching—in reality, it was probably easier to say it sounded like a bazooka—and caused the other two males to pause in their latest argument to give him weird looks.
Sakura only shook her head in amusement at his antics.
"Alright Sai, I'll come by a little after dinner to pick up the book."
Sai moved his mouth away from his hands.
"I will be present at home to make sure you receive the book, Hag."
Before Sakura could respond with her thanks, Naruto cut in.
"Sai, what was that about? You know, the noise thingy." He made a weird flapping motion in a sad attempt to imitate his teammate.
"For once, I agree with the dobe. As much as it pains me to admit, what the fuck was that?"
Naruto glared at Sasuke for the umpteenth time. Thankfully, however, he kept his mouth shut this time.
"I read that in some cultures, the sound of a dying duck is used as a mating ritual amongst the people." Plucking another blade of grass off the field, Sai held it up between his right thumb and index finger. "In the absence of the traditional breeding horn, a blade of grass would suffice as a makeshift replacement. If either of you read half as much as the Hag did, you would know that."
Before the other two could retort—or worse, start another fight—Sakura interjected.
"Sai, I think what Naruto and Sasuke are trying to ask is why you were playing this… traditional mating call sound in the first place."
Sai's eyes dawned in comprehension (or as much as it could on an emotionless, black-eyed face.)
"I was simply providing the background music for our other teammates as they have clearly been dancing around each other all afternoon with their arguments," Sai said matter-of-factly. He gave Sakura his most pleasant, yet still emotionless smile. "Couldn't you feel the sexual tension?"
"…"
"…"
Sakura attempted to stifle her giggles, but to no avail. Naruto started on a loud rant about how "Hinata is the only one for me!" and that "No one would want teme with the stick up his ass!" She kept from outright laughing only because she might not have been able to stop Sasuke from murdering Sai—and possibly at this rate, Naruto—otherwise.
"Sasuke," she gasped for breath, grabbing his wrist as his hands clenched into fists, "just let it go. You have to admit that he's got a point."
Sasuke directed his glare at her.
"A point?"
"I mean… you and Naruto do get into way too many arguments." Sakura paused in thought. "I'm sure Sai was just trying to stop you guys from arguing again. Right Sai?"
She turned to her teammate, who had wisely stepped out of Sasuke's reach.
"Whatever you say, Hag. I believe those two were 'going at it like rabbits,' as the saying goes," Sai responded. Before the other two could interrupt him with what they thought about his comments, he continued. "I do not believe Dickless could even 'go at it' the way these two were thinking. I merely thought the analogy would provide entertainment."
Naruto frowned at the last comment directed at him.
"Well I hate to break it to you Sai, but that wasn't funny. At all."
"… Hn."
Sasuke retracted his wrist from Sakura's grasp.
"Hey, I thought it was funny! You guys just take his jokes too seriously," Sakura defended, crossing her arms.
"Hag understands the fascinating insights on the human mind. Her appreciation for my eclectic tastes therefore do not surprise me."
"Hn." Sasuke's grunt was one of disbelief as his eyebrows raised.
"… What does eclectic mean?" Naruto turned to their female teammate. "Sakura-chan, stop defending Sai and just admit he's being weird already! Who even bothers to read about dying ducks and stupid mating rituals?"
"Naruto, I don't think you have any right to talk about weird tastes. After all, you practically breathe ramen."
"But Sakura-chan, that's different and you know it!" Naruto started chanting. "Ramen is love! Ramen is life!"
"Dobe, shut up—and stop dancing around like a monkey!"
Naruto ignored his teammate, wiggling his butt at his teammate instead.
"Naruto seriously, stop it! I'm getting embarrassed for you just by watching!" Even Sakura's interjection didn't stop their teammate's antics.
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the back of his collar.
Naruto yelped.
"Hag, I believe next time you should simply punch Dickless so that he will have no choice but to stop."
"Hey! Sakura-chan's not that violent!" Naruto said, turning to Sai. He faltered when even Sakura gave him a skeptical look. He floundered for another comeback. "I mean, she's not as bad as you! You! You keep calling me Dickless and, and… why is Sakura-chan's nickname Hag anyway?"
Sasuke, realizing that Naruto's own question had diffused his hyper mood, let go of the other boy's collar with a small shove. Turning his attention back to Sai, Sasuke appeared slightly interested at how his teammate would answer, glancing at his other teammate to see how she reacted to the question.
When she noticed his stare, Sakura just gave him an indifferent shrug, as if she could care less what Sai said.
Unfortunately, Sai missed the exchange and appeared slightly concerned at the question.
"Hag, is Dickless saying my nicknames are bad? You never said anything about it before."
"That's because—" Sakura and Naruto began at the same time. Arching an eyebrow at her teammate, Sakura gave a look that said were you going to answer for me?
Naruto gulped. He knew that look. It was The Look where he should shut up else he would be interrupting… his left cheek ached just thinking about the consequences. And it wasn't because Sakura would slap him either. Nope, slapping was the least of his worries when she had fists of (chakra-infused) steel.
"That's because I know you wouldn't understand why your words are considered rude. I meant to tell you earlier, honest, but I didn't have the time to discuss it with you." Sakura paused in thought. "Besides, where did you learn to start giving us nicknames?"
"The Art of Conversation. The book said that friends give other friends nicknames that are opposite of what they mean as a polite gesture."
Naruto and Sakura looked at each other. The latter came to the realization of what their teammate's words meant first, and her eyes went wide. Moments later, it clicked with Naruto as well.
"So then 'hag'—"
"So every time—"
Sasuke interrupted them both by answering their questions for his lookalike.
"Hn."
Duh.
"Shut up!" they both snapped at their least eloquent teammate.
Then, Naruto realized something.
"Hold up! If I'm Dickless," and here Naruto barely managed to ignore Sasuke's snicker before continuing, "then what does that make him?" He pointed at Sasuke, who stopped snickering to glare at him.
"Hn. I don't need a nickname. It means I'm better than you. Dobe."
"Hah! In your dreams, teme!"
"Now, now boys," Sakura interrupted. "I'm sure Sai has a good reason for why Sasuke doesn't have a nickname," she paused to think for a moment before adding, "yet."
Now it was Sakura's turn to receive the patented Uchiha glare.
"I do not have a good nickname for Sasuke because I still do not understand the Dickless' nickname for him." Sai turned to Naruto, who was busy sticking his tongue out at Sasuke. "Why do you call Sasuke a 'teme?' Would it not fit better to call him Genius?"
The training ground was completely silent, save for the bugs buzzing about under the shade, as the rest of them processed what Sai just revealed.
The moment he understood the implications, Sasuke's face morphed into a scrunched up, offended look. Unfortunately, it only made him appear even more constipated than before.
Naruto was too busy howling with laughter at that point to notice, but Sakura, who had started quietly giggling, did a small spit take at his facial expression. She ended up turning her head away from her teammates and covering her mouth in an attempt to be polite.
(It didn't fool anyone.)
The social cues went over Sai's head, so he merely continued, even though Sasuke's offended look was slowly morphing into one promising retribution.
"But then, when I thought about calling him Genius, I met Lee. Lee calls himself a Genius of Hard Work, and I did not want to copy another's nickname. The Art of Conversation says that thoughtful nicknames let the other person know how important they are to you."
Sakura, who recovered first, wiped a stray tear from her eye.
"Sai, not everyone appreciates a nickname. I don't mind having one, and Naruto just wants to be your friend so he doesn't actually care. Sasuke however," she explained patiently, giving a pointed glance at said teammate, "would probably like you more if you didn't give him any nicknames."
Sai considered her words, tapping his paintbrush against his chin. Sakura guessed he learned that habit from a book or a movie as well.
Before he could respond, the peaceful— minus Naruto's snickers every time he looked in Sasuke's direction— moment of silence was broken yet again. This time, a high-pitched shriek could be heard echoing off the trees surrounding Training Ground Three.
"Sakura!" Ino waved, picking up speed as she spotted her friend. Her teammates walked sedately behind her, more than happy to let their female teammate run off ahead.
"Hey Ino! Did Asuma-sensei let you guys out of your team meeting early? We still haven't started ours." Sakura shook her head shrugged, as if to say what can you do? And really, what could they do when their sensei was Kakashi? It was no use trying to find him— he would only be found if he wanted to be. Kakashi and "late" were practically synonyms at this point.
"Yep, we're heading over to Chouji's place soon to hang out before dinner." Looking over at the two boys who were part of the original Team Seven, Ino's eyes narrowed when she noticed Naruto and Sasuke getting ready to duke it out again. "... Do I even want to know what the boys are up to?"
Naruto's attention strayed from his teammate as Ino's voice carried over. He bounded over to where the girls were talking.
"Hey, hey Ino! Guess what Sai just told us? Do you know why Sas—"
"Nope, you really don't want to know," Sakura responded cheerfully, hitting the top of Naruto's head with her fist. Like usual, Sasuke moved out of arm's reach before she could get to him.
"Ow! Sakura-chan, why'd you do that? I was just about to tell Ino—"
"Naruto?"
"... Yeah, Sakura-chan?"
"Shut it."
"... okay." Naruto pouted while holding the top of his bruising head. "You're such a party pooper."
Then, Naruto brightened as if another idea occurred to him. Knowing Naruto, the idea probably wasn't as bright as he thought it was.
"Sai, what would Ino's nickname be?"
Ino raised an eyebrow. "Nickname?"
"Sai likes to give nicknames to his friends," Sakura explained, leaving out the whats and whys of what he had said earlier.
"Oh, I want to know my nickname!"
The two blonds in the group both lit up at the thought, although for entirely different reasons. They both turned to the socially awkward boy in question.
"It might take him some time to think of a nickname," Sakura tried to explain over the shining expectations of two blonds. "Sai likes to find meaningful words for his friends."
"Hn. You mean like Hag?" Sasuke butted in with a smirk.
Ino's eyes turned incredulous.
"Your nickname is Hag?!" Now it was Ino's turn to giggle.
Sakura just rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Like I said, meaningful words. Like, underneath the underneath or whatever Kakashi-sensei likes to say."
"Right. Of course it is," Ino snickered.
"You are Beautiful," Sai interrupted out of the blue. When no one reacted, he clarified, "Beautiful. Your nickname is Beautiful."
The rest of Team Seven's eyes widened.
Ino's mouth went slack before she started sputtering, a slight red tinge appearing on her cheeks and spreading to her ears.
"E-e-excuse me?"
Team Seven just looked at each other and roared with laughter. Naruto was the first to fall and ended up rolling in the grass, unconcerned with the green stains coloring his bright orange jacket. Sakura landed a little more gracefully— although not by much— on her butt, using her arms to support her as she leaned back and continued laughing.
Sasuke had a little more Uchiha dignity. He was a tougher nut to crack, so to speak. A guffawing sound came from somewhere in his vicinity, but he had turned in the other direction away from the other four, so his expression was a mystery.
At this point, Ino didn't know whether to be flattered or offended by their reactions.
"You guys are weird."
A little confused, Sai just gave her a patently fake smile.
Anything Sai says is complete bullshit. JUST FYI. Like, what mating calls? I used the first weird noise I could think of.
Please review! I know this isn't serious at all, but I still appreciate any feedback.