Cas sat on his bed, switching up his Rubik's cube with an absent mind when he saw Dean spring up from the desk chair. "Hey, Cas?" He said, clutching his phone, and looking down at it.
Cas looked up at him, a distant look in his eyes. "Hmm." He answered. "S'wrong?"
"I think Benny needs my help down at the auto shop, so I gotta go. I'll see you later." He said, patting him on the shoulder. "You gonna be alright?"
Cas forced a smile, it being his only response. He waited for the door to close on Dean's way out before he laid back, on his side in his mountain of pillows. Dean always did this. It was always Benny. It was always his pretty blue eyes that made Dean jump from whatever he was doing, and run to the rescue. He rolled his eyes, and tossed the Rubix Cube to the floor. It rolled over a few times before ending it's journey next to the trash can by the desk. Cas' eyes traveled to the computer screen. It was fresh from whatever Dean had been using it for, and was still actively reading on a play list he'd made on some radio website. Cas got up, and turned off the monitor and his lamp, closed his curtains, pushed his bedroom door shut the rest of the way before he crawled back into bed again. The music still flowed around his room, as if Dean were there in the dark with him somewhere. He liked when Dean came over. His whole room smelled like pennies and rain from his working in the auto shop all the time.
He wondered what day Dean would be back. Not that it mattered much anymore. Cas hadn't been to school in weeks. He couldn't focus on anything any more. All he ever did was sit there, and stare at the papers in front of him. He used to be a straight A student, but now he wasted his youth away in his bedroom, locked up in the dark. He felt safe there. It was the only place that he'd never been told he had to go. Before his dad left the family, he was always told 'go to school, get a job, go out, make new friends'. Cas was bored with school. Had he skipped a few grades before it was illegal in the state, he'd be done by now anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. See, you'd think that his dad 'leaving' insinuated that his parents got a divorce, or something, but they didn't. Cas' mom died eight years ago. His father took off in the middle of the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Michael, who was a senior in highschool cared for Cas, Gabe and Balthazar now. He made sure Castiel got his medicine and the bill got paid with a few hours a week here and there at the auto shop, and working nearly full time at the coffee shop with Sam and Jess. The Angel's Lodge. Stupid name.
Cas sniffled, and pulled his blanket around himself to fit his position a little more snug. He missed Dean, but of course he couldn't tell anyone that. They all just sort of assumed that Cas wasn't into dating. He planned to keep it that way. He didn't want Dean to feel bad anyway. Cas always heard about the girls Dean had gotten with, and always noticed him checking out this girl and that girl if they went out anywhere together, be it the movies, or school. Why did Dean always talk about girls, but rush to Benny's side when he broke a nail? He sighed at the thoughts. This stupid medicine wasn't working very well if he was still sad. It took the edge off though, he would admit that. Now, he was just somber. He used to get violent, and angry, and irrational. Half the time, he couldn't tell if he was sleepy or less high than he wanted to be from his xanax.
Dean was the only one that had ever really seen him so upset though. Somehow, he still managed to keep his feelings for Dean a secret. He turned his anger toward his father that night, because it was the newest wound, and it would make sense to Dean. Cas could be upset about anything. It didn't matter how good 'a day it was. He was always sad. He always felt like a waste of space. Like a burden. He couldn't help it at this point. He was always afraid of being hurt by any one else. He didn't want to be left again, like his father had left with no explanation. He was constantly day dreaming, too, but he didn't talk much, in fear that he would make somebody uncomfortable or that they'd think he was a freak for spending time in the hospital, like 'Charlie' from The Perks of Being a Wallflower said. Cas read a lot of books. He read almost all day long now. It's the only way he stayed sane while everyone else was at school.
He had a psychologist, but he didn't like to talk to her. He felt trapped in his own mind, and new that even though she was getting paid by the hour to fix his fucked up head, there was no fixing him. He was bound to be an inconvenient sob story to every one else around him, his whole life. That's why he'd tried to end it all in the first place. But Dean called. He asked Cas to come over, and Cas started to cry on the phone. Dean had held him against his chest and he had calmed him down. Cas never figured out why Dean deemed it necessary, because he didn't know what Cas was about to do when he'd called until after he'd hugged him, but he was glad he did. It was a good month after his dad had left, so it was normal that he cried. He didn't get what the big deal was. Dean told Michael, and Michael made him start seeing all these different doctors. They put him on a few different medications, and Cas promised Dean he'd take him. Dean always said that he hated seeing him upset. So, he wasn't upset anymore. He was neutral. For Dean, he'd be neutral.