Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age or any of its characters.
A/N: I always found it funny that as soon as you're greeted in Ostagar, it's like the entire camp knows of your existence. Wouldn't that be a bit dangerous considering Arl Howe had just slaughtered your entire family? I decided to have a bit of fun.
1. Clarissa
I watched them fall. I witnessed the betrayal and the cowardice. My armour is stained with the blood of men I'd befriended at the castle, my home. My armour is stained with the blood of my sister and nephew. My armour is stained with the blood of my father.
I am stained.
The Grey Warden, Duncan, has taken me with him to find refuge within the ranks of the other Wardens. He is my saviour, but I find little comfort in this. We travel to Ostagar. I wonder if Howe's men will meet us there with blades drawn. Perhaps it is too late for my brother. I do not relish the idea of telling him his entire family has been slaughtered. I secretly and selfishly hope that I am killed when we arrive.
We set up camp for the night. I warm myself by the fire, dressed only in a tunic and linen pants. My mabari war hound, Scrags, lays next to me. I wash the blood from my armour. I can feel Duncan's gaze and I want to scream at him to leave me be. Instead, he offers me a bowl of stew. I thank him and dig into the food despite having no appetite.
"This is bloody awful," I grumble. He laughs at this, and I can't help but crack a smile. Is it proper to smile after such events? I wish they'd made a rule book on grief.
"I am concerned that Howe will hear of your arrival and send men after you, as he has no doubt done the same for your brother," Duncan points out. He certainly doesn't mince words. I stare at my stew and say nothing. "We need to find a way of keeping your identity a secret," he continues.
"Do you have any suggestions?" I ask. Famous last words.
"Arl Howe knows that I'm interested in recruiting you. A female Grey Warden is not an everyday occurrence. In fact, they're quite rare. If you were a man, on the other hand…" He pauses to spoon some stew into his mouth. "No one would be the wiser. Howe would probably suspect that you'd been killed in Highever. It could buy us some valuable time."
I didn't like where this chain of thought was headed. "Don't tell me. You want me to pretend to be a man," I mutter. Duncan simply nods in reply.
"Because you're a warrior, and you wear splint mail, it will be quite easy to conceal your figure," he points out. I feel the heat rising to my cheeks and I stare down at the curves that the maker had bestowed upon me. No amount of physical training had depleted the soft curves of my chest and hips. I had once been proud of this fact. Now it was a hindrance. "We will need to cut your hair," he goes on, "and I'm afraid that talking is out of the question. We will have to tell everyone that you're mute." My mouth hangs open.
"I can't talk?! Maker's breath, that's ridiculous!"
"You sound like a woman," Duncan states calmly. "As soon as you open your mouth everyone will know." He studies me closely. "Your facial features are quite feminine, but we can always pass that off as your being young." We continue to eat our stew in silence while watching the fire. I know that he wants to be reassuring. He wants to tell me I made the right decision. I see his furtive glances but remain impassive. I am in no mood to placate his desire to make me feel better. He seems to think better of speaking and instead reaches to his side and extracts a dagger from its scabbard. I guess it's time for my haircut.
"How short are you going to make it?" I ask petulantly. "I mean, yours is long. Why can't I just be a boy with long hair?"
Duncan cocks an eyebrow as though amused by my question. "The long hair only adds to your feminine traits. If you had, say, a beard, then perhaps you could keep the hair. Unfortunately for you your face is beard free."
I sigh, my shoulders hunched in resignation. I stand and wander over to him, sitting before him so that my back faces him. "Alright, do it." I feel him bunch my hair into a ponytail in his fist, and I wince as he begins to saw through my tresses. My wavy red hair falls to the dirt in clumps and I can't help but feel an overwhelming sorrow. My life as a Cousland is over. Duncan continues to chop away at my hair as the tears weave bitter trails down my cheeks. I'm crying for father, for mother, for Oriana and Oren. My tears spill for Ser Gilmore and the other men who fell defending the castle. I weep for Fergus, hoping that he'll be alive when we reach Ostagar, yet I also hope for his death so that he may know peace with his family in the hereafter.
I'm also crying because I really liked my hair.
"It is done," Duncan intones. I reach up with a shaky hand. As promised, my hair has been shortened to resemble a man's hairstyle. "It's a shame you're not elven," he remarks. "Then we would have an excuse for your dainty face. As it stands, you look a bit like a pixie."
I scowl at his remark. Never, in all of my life, have I ever been compared to a pixie. If Fergus had heard that, he probably would have fallen over himself laughing. "This is never going to work!" I moan desolately. "No one's going to believe it."
I turn to face Duncan, and to my surprise, he's actually smiling. "People believe what they want to believe," he ruffles my hair. "Get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow. We should arrive in Ostagar, and that will be the true test."
Lovely, I can't wait.
"Your majesty, I wasn't expecting-"
"A royal welcome? I was beginning to wonder if you would make it in time. I heard tell that you had a promising new recruit. I take it this is he?"
He actually thinks that I'm a he? Yes! I pulled it off! I glance up at the king, my heart fluttering in my chest. I had never met him before now, though Fergus had always told me that King Cailan was well known for his good looks. I can understand why. I open my mouth to reply when Duncan cuts me off. Right, the 'no talking' thing.
"Your majesty, allow me to introduce…Clarence," Clarence? Really? That's the best he could come up with? "You'll have to excuse him, sire. The boy was born without speech. Though he is very bright, and is an excellent fighter."
"He must be to have been able to impress you. Welcome then, Clarence. I look forward to shedding blood with you," the king smiles at me and I can feel the blood rushing to my head. Andraste's knickers, if this is how I get every time a good looking man gives me the time of day…I stiffen as Duncan explains what happened in Highever. I am midly surprised at how horrified the king is reacting to the news. He promises that justice will be served. He then excuses himself and departs to a meeting with Teyrn Loghain.
"That went over well," Duncan seems relieved. "At any rate, you are free to explore the camp. There is another Grey Warden by the name of Alistair that I would like you to find. In the meanwhile your dog can stay with me." I glance down at Scrags. I pet him on the head and he begins to playfully bark and wag his tail.
"Stay with Duncan, boy. I'll be back as soon as I can," I murmur softly. Scrags barks once and I know that he understands. I make my way across the bridge toward the camp. One of the guards greets me and I nod in his direction. I haven't walked far and I see a man flirting with a woman. She rebuffs him with a glare and he seems unworried. He certainly knows how to take things in stride. I must have caught his eye, because he waves at me and motions me over.
"Well, you're not what I expected," he says plainly.
My stomach drops. He's not fooled. I gather my wits and tilt my head, feigning confusion.
"I mean, I didn't expect a mute boy." I shrug my shoulders in response.
"Not that it really matters, just as long as you can hear the beasties coming after us. What do you make of all the mystery with this Joining ritual?" he asks.
I shrug my shoulders once again. I am the epitome of amazing conversation.
"Yeah, I don't like the sound of it either, makes my nose twitch. Well, now that you're here, I'd best go back to the Warden camp and see Duncan. By the way, one of the junior Wardens, Alistair, is waiting for you up those stairs. Blonde fellow in splint mail. You can't miss him." I smile at him to show my gratitude and I'm off in search of this Alistair guy. How many old men would I meet in one day?
I'm climbing the stairs when I hear two men arguing. One is wearing mages robes and the other is an extremely good looking blonde man in splint mail. Uh oh, blonde guy in splint mail. I swallow and feel my freckled cheeks begin to flush. This was going to be torture. The argument comes to an end and the mage brushes by me, calling me a fool.
"You know, one good thing about the Blight is the way it brings everyone together," Alistair smiles at me. I can't help but quirk an eyebrow at his comment and the corners of my mouth are tugging upwards into a grin. Cute and a sense of humour. This was going to be HELL.
"You must be the new recruit Duncan was talking about. I'm Alistair. You must be," his brow furrows as he tries to recall my fraudulent name. "Clarence, wasn't it?" I nod. "Well, as the junior member of the order, I'll be taking you through the preparation for the Joining. If you have any questions…Oh, sorry. I forgot that you can't talk." He looks chagrined. I can tell that he's worried that he offended me. I smile at him reassuringly and pat him on the shoulder. "Right, off we go to see Duncan. Lead the way, good ser!"
Thank the Maker, he thinks I'm a boy too. As I jog off toward the Grey Warden camp I wonder if perhaps for the first time I want someone to think of me as a woman instead.
Fat lot of good that does me right now.