Santana had sworn that she'd quit smoking and really, she had. The last time she had a cigarette was in the summer at a party where she saw Brittany dancing a bit too closely with one of the jocks from school and she'd needed something to calm her nerves. She laughs slightly to herself thinking of that last time, because it's an entire world away from where she is now.
She's out in Mike's back garden sitting on a step and she's just spent the entire party dancing with her girlfriend and holding hands with her girlfriend and kissing her girlfriend. She really doesn't think she'll ever get over how good it feels. Although it felt so good to be able to kiss Brittany whenever she wants, in the same way Finn kisses Rachel or how Mike kisses Tina, her nerves were all over the place. She's still getting used to this whole being out thing. Yeah it feels fucking amazing, but to be honest it still scares the absolute shit out of her. She'll never stop trying though. She's trying so hard to stop being scared.
She lights up and breathes in and feels better almost instantly. As she exhales she hears someone behind her getting closer. She doesn't really care who it is at this point. For once she's not crying and she's not ashamed and she really has nothing to hide so it doesn't matter if it's Brittany or Berry, she still feels comfortable.
Quinn sits down beside her without saying anything. Santana sees the look on her face and offers her a drag of her cigarette and Quinn quickly accepts. She knows Quinn misses smoking too sometimes after her identity crisis with the Skanks – especially now with all this stuff with Beth and Miss Cocoran and Puck. She hands the cigarette back to Santana before breathing the smoke out.
"You did really good in there S," she says, and her voice is hesitant as if she doesn't know if this is okay. Santana just looks at her in confusion. "I mean, I know that it's not easy for you… being open about you and Britt."
Santana breaks eye contact and looks straight ahead. It's not because she's ashamed like all those other times, it's because she's touched that Quinn is actually acknowledging how hard she's trying. It makes her want to cry, but in a good way for once.
"Thanks," Santana says shakily. "You're right. It's not easy. I'm getting there though," she says with a smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, you are," Quinn agrees. "And I'm really proud of you."
They sit in comfortable silence for a while after that. Quinn rests her head on Santana's shoulder as she finishes her cigarette, before flicking it into the soil beside them. Santana's missed this. Just being with Quinn without any of the drama of who's going to be cheer captain or if she's going to find out her secret or who's sleeping with Puck. It's nice.
It's Quinn that breaks the silence first.
"I – It's okay if you don't want to talk about it but how-I mean it must…" Quinn's stumbling over her words and Santana has an idea of what she wants to ask but she's not entirely sure.
Quinn takes a deep breath and tries again.
"How did you know you liked girls?" she asks. "It's – you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
Honestly, Santana really doesn't mind her asking. She's over all that now. People know and people don't care so there's no point in being anything other than honest. The only thing that gets to Santana is that she thinks she recognises a bit of herself in Quinn. She thinks that this is what she would have been like a year or two ago if she'd known one of her friends liked girls. Or maybe she wouldn't have because she wouldn't have wanted anyone to know. Quinn's being brave and that shocks Santana a bit.
"No, it's okay, I mean you've pretty much watched me as I accepted it so there's really nothing to hide," Santana starts. "I guess I always knew. I know that sounds dumb but it's true. Since I was about thirteen or fourteen and started dating and sleeping with people – I just… I knew. I didn't want to be gay so I tried to hide it and I thought it'd go away but it never did. Every time I was with Britt it just felt so right in a way that I never felt with guys. I don't even mean when we slept together – I mean when I woke up beside her or when she hugged me if I had a bad day. It just felt right. It never felt that good with Puck or Sam or anyone."
Quinn looks down at the ground as if this was what she'd been dreading to hear. She doesn't speak though, so Santana keeps going.
"Once I finally sat down and thought to myself 'right okay I might be gay' it just all fell into place. I mean, it wasn't easy and it certainly was not the way I planned my life going and I still wanted to keep it a secret, but it made sense. Everything in my head made sense. From then it was just working up the courage to tell people which I really didn't get to do because frankenteen made sure everyone knew before I could tell them myself. But it's okay now – not that he outed me because I'm still fucking pissed about that – but that I can be with Britt around you guys and no-one says anything y'know?"
Quinn nods but still stays silent. Santana pulls back slightly so Quinn isn't resting on her shoulder anymore. She looks Quinn in the face and studies her. She looks sad, maybe a little bit scared.
"Quinn? Are you okay?" Santana asks softly and her heart skips a beat when she sees the first sign of tears making their way down Quinn's cheek.
Santana quickly pulls her into a hug and strokes her hair. "Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me. It's just us here."
Quinn doesn't pull back but just holds on tighter and says, "I- I think I like a girl… in the way you like girls."
Santana laughs a little even though she doesn't mean to and she hopes Quinn didn't hear. She knows how hard that is to come to terms with and she understands more than anyone why Quinn's crying but, when it's someone else saying it out loud, Santana finally realises just how small of a thing it is. She doesn't care if Quinn likes boys or girls or both or neither. She's just Quinn and this changes nothing. She wonders if this is how all the kids in Glee felt about her when she came out. She's pretty sure it is.
"Hey… that's okay. Don't cry," she feels stupid saying that because she knows that crying is all she did when she felt like this. "Quinn, it doesn't matter, but I understand how big it feels to you."
Quinn pulls back then and looks Santana in the eye before wiping the tears off her own face. She looks away from Santana and swallows before speaking again.
"I don't think I'm gay… I still like boys. But I like… this girl in the same way I like boys and… and that scares me." Her voice is so small and Santana feels strangely protective over her.
"Quinn, that's okay too. That's how Britt feels. She likes girls and guys. That's just who she is. It's just - some people find this stuff easier than others. Britt's never had a problem with anything she is, she just doesn't care, but I felt like the world was going to end if anyone found out… but it didn't." Santana smiles then and Quinn smiles with her because really, even with all the hard stuff that's going to come her way, things got a lot better when she started being honest about who she is.
When Quinn speaks again her voice is still so small and so quiet that Santana has to move closer to hear her.
"This girl… she's just… she's perfect. Like, she's amazing. I can't help but smile when I'm around her and when she talks to me it just feels like I could look at her forever and never get bored. She's beautiful. I mean most of the time I just want to kiss her but I'm pretty sure she's straight and she's also got a boyfriend," Quinn finishes, defeated.
"Whoever she is, she doesn't know what she's missing out on with you. I'm pretty sure her boyfriend wouldn't talk about her like that. I can't offer any help with the straight part, but the boyfriend part – don't let that make you feel like you don't have a chance. I dated Puck and Sam and Britt dated Artie but we still ended up together. Maybe test the water around her?"
"What?"
"You know, mention something about being gay – not you personally, but like a celebrity or something – and see how she reacts? That way you'll be able to see if she's accepting or if she keeps up to date with that sort of stuff."
Quinn laughs and Santana wonders why.
"She's accepting. That's not the issue. She's got gay friends and tw – well, yeah she's accepting. I just don't know if she likes girls. She's never given anything away. She doesn't really talk about relationships that much – regardless of whether it would be with a boy or a girl."
Santana wonders if this girl's 'gay friends' includes her but she doesn't want to mention it.
"Well… that's gonna be harder but we can work it out, just don't do anything to come between her and her boyfriend. I know people think I have a heart of stone but… I think we both know how it feels to have someone betray you," Santana trails off and she feels bad because it was her that came between Quinn and Finn and Rachel. She was even the one who kind of dated Puck behind Quinn's back. Quinn definitely knows how it feels to have someone betray her.
"I know, I know. I would never – I lov- I like her too much to do that to her anyway."
Santana purposely ignores Quinn's slip up but inside she hurts for her. She's in love with whoever this girl is. Quinn's in love with a girl. Who has a boyfriend. And she's scared about it. Santana knows all too well how that feels, so she hugs Quinn again.
"You're a good person Q, you know that? And seriously – that girl would be lucky to have you."
Santana can feel Quinn smile into her and relax a little.
"Thanks S, for understanding and stuff. I know you're only getting used to this yourself."
"Seriously Quinn, if there's anyone who understands how scary it is, it's me. And me, you and Britt are the Unholy Trinity. We've gotta be there for each other."
It's Quinn that notices Rachel coming towards them first and she freezes. She pulls out of Santana's hug and lets out a nervous laugh.
"I was just coming to see if either of you needed a ride home. I'm leaving now and Finn says we have room for three more if you need a lift," Rachel says with a smile.
"I – I could do with a ride home Rach," Quinn says timidly, never taking her eyes off Rachel. Suddenly everything falls into place for Santana – the gay friends did include her and well, of course Berry's going to be accepting because she's got two gay dads for crying out loud. Quinn notices that Santana's made the connection and quickly averts her gaze away from Rachel and meets Santana's eyes.
They have a conversation without saying anything. Quinn's eyes are saying 'if you mention this to anyone I swear I'll never talk to you again' and 'I love her – do you understand why it's so hard now?'. Santana's eyes reply with 'you'll be okay' and 'just be careful, don't make this any harder than it needs to be.'
"Okay, great! Are you coming inside Santana? It's very cold out here and I wouldn't want you getting sick, especially when we have rehearsals coming up. You know the cold can damage your voc-"
"-al chords, yes Berry I know you've given me this lecture before," and with that Rachel is shocked into silence.
Santana gets up first and helps Quinn to her feet. Santana watches Quinn flinch every time Rachel says her name or how her eyes soften when Rachel smiles and she thinks she's happy and sad for Quinn at the same time.
As they make their way inside she sees Brittany sitting with Tina talking animatedly – she thinks Britt's trying to be a lion or something, and Tina is in fits of laughter. Santana thinks back to what Quinn said about that girl – about Rachel – being beautiful and being able to look at her forever. When Brittany smiles at her and gives a small wave, she knows that Quinn's in deeper than she thinks.
But then when Britt walks over to her and takes her hand in her own and kisses her softly on the lips she forgets everything. She forgets about Quinn and Rachel, she forgets about being scared, she couldn't even tell you her own name right now if you asked her, because this feels more right than anything in the world.
Santana doesn't see it but when she kisses Brittany, Rachel takes Quinn by the hand and whispers "they're perfect for each other, aren't they?"
Quinn looks down at their hands, locked together by their sides, before replying.
"Yeah, they are."