I poised my bow, ready to fire at Katniss. Ready to release the arrow, I quickly let it fall to the ground when I saw something I had not expected. Katniss tore through her clothing to get to her nightlock pill. Only her teeth met with Peeta's hand. He was stopping her. He wasn't letting her end her life. I saw it on his face. He wouldn't watch her die. Couldn't watch her die.
What does that make me? I was ready to kill her myself. Did that mean I loved her more... or less? I cannot imagine her going through the torture they put Peeta through. Katniss was already so far gone; going through a hijacking would completely break her. That had to mean I loved her more, right? She didn't deserve what they would do her. She didn't deserve to feel the kind of pain they would surely inflict.
But could I live with myself if I killed her? Yes. I could. I could because I know it was what she would want. Peeta always gave Katniss what she wanted. He babied her. So why couldn't he give her what she wanted this time? I readied my bow again.
"Let me go!" I heard her scream. "I can't," was his response.
Why? She should die! She shouldn't have to face the horrors waiting for her! He can't. He can't let her. Why can I? Katniss would hate me if I didn't kill her before they did. She would not want to die by their terms. But isn't that exactly what I would be doing if I killed her? Ending her life on their terms; they wanted her dead and I would only be moving the process on faster. Or did they want her dead? Would they preserve her life like they did with Peeta? Would they make each day worse than the one before? That was why she would want me to do this. Because the possibility that it would not be a quick death but a long dragged out living one. Peeta was too weak to see that. He let his love for Katniss blind him to the possible future that might be in store for her.
Might. Might be in store. Possible future. Possible. I was betting Katniss' life on something that could potentially happen? I remember how Katniss still fought, even though she knew Peeta was in danger of being killed, she fought because there was a possibility he was still alive. She fought so hard. She knew he could maybe, possibly, be rescued. That one day, he would be back with her. She fought for that possible future. How could I not fight for hers?
No. I must be firm in my resolve. I have to kill her, possibility or not. She may live, but they would make sure it was a horrible existence. She would be better off. She had to be. I would want her to kill me. I would. I would not want to be preserved only so that I could wish I was dead. And Katniss would wish she was dead. We made an agreement. We made a deal. I aimed right for her heart.
We made this arrangement. So why can't I let the arrow fly? What's stopping me? I watch Peeta being dragged away. She doesn't even seem to notice, but his eyes never leave hers. He's screaming her name. I don't think she can hear him above her own screams. She's calling me. She wants me to do it. She wants me to be responsible for her last breath. Can I live with it, really? I shudder when I realize I can. I really can live with it. And that is where Peeta and I differ. I can justify my decision to kill her. I could justify it until the day I die. But I know. I know it now. There is no absolute justification to kill someone you love. Whether they ask you to or not, it is not defensible. It cannot be finalized as something good. It is not an act of love.
Peeta cannot live with that choice. In fact, I see it in his eyes. There was never a choice to make. Even when he went mutt, it was her voice that would stabilize him. She called him back. Even when he was ready to kill her himself, only she could bring him back. In the end, Snow had not defeated Peeta. He made him irreparably weak, but not wholly broken. Katniss' death would ensure that though. That would be the final nail on the coffin. Her cold and buried, reduced to nothing but a story. Katniss would become a legend, with me depicted as the boy who took her away from the world. Warranted or not, I would be a murderer. Her murderer. And Peeta would finally lose his mind completely.
There's the matter of Prim. Katniss could hardly exist in a world without Peeta. How is she going to manage in a world without Prim? That girl meant everything to Katniss. Everything. She would have thrown me in front of a train if it meant protecting Prim. Prim was Katniss' drive. Prim and Peeta. But no Gale. I knew Katniss fought for me. I knew it. But I was not her drive. Without me in the world, she would still fight. Without Peeta, she was empty. Without Prim, she was nothing. The likelihood that I killed Prim was too much for me to handle. I loved that little girl too. Like she was my own sister. She was gone, and it could maybe, possibly be my fault. Maybe. Possibly.
Peeta had to know all of this. He knew the rest of Katniss' life would be full of misery, whether it be at the Capitols hands, District 13's, or even her own. She would make her own life miserable by pining after her dead loved ones. And yet he still fought to make sure she lived. He knew Prim was dead. He knew Katniss had made the vote for another Hunger Games. He knew she was flawed. He knew she could even be selfish. But he loved her more. The two of them were always fighting for each other, whether it was fighting to make sure they both survived, or fighting each other to make sure only one of them lived. Always it was for each other though. He loved her more. I know it now. He loved her because he could not let her take away her life. And I loved her less because I was ready to end it myself.
I dropped the bow to the ground. I can't be that guy. I can't take away a dozen happy endings. Hers, his. Theirs together. The only life I can justifiably ruin is my own. I hold my head high. I will not kill the Mockingjay. I will not kill the girl on fire. I will not kill Katniss Everdeen. I know I should, and I know that I could, but I will not. She would hate me in the end. If she had time to think about it, she would hate herself for ruining Peeta's life. And that is one thing I cannot do. I can't be held accountable for Katniss hating herself.
"Gale Hawthorne. You've been recommended to District 2. Do you accept?" I looked at the newly elected Paylor and nodded my head. District 2. I could start over. I was not known in District 2. Peeta glanced over at me from the corner. He still had not been sent home, but any day now, he would be back in 12.
I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. Without turning around, or saying any kind of goodbye, I spoke my final words to Peeta. "Take care of her." After all, she loves him more. And I'm ok with that.
Author's Note: First time writing a Gale ficlet. I must say, I'm not the biggest Gale fan, but I can see his redeeming qualities. But anyway, the part in Mockingjay when Katniss is looking for Gale to kill her...well, I always wanted to know why Gale didn't do it. I didn't think it was his love for her necessarily. And I've been wanting to write a story where Gale comes to the realization on his own that Peeta loved Katniss more strongly than he did. I'm not entirely sure how to explain, so I hope I did alright with this story. Reviews are always welcome :)