Author's Note: Actually the very first Naruto fic I started. It's a romp with adorably awkward, hot Kakashi in his Sukea look for part of the time.
Rated M for language, adult themes, villains being scummy and also because it got juicier than I initially intended.
Hope you like! Matta neh.
The Concept
After Hanare's failed mission to the Leaf and Grandpa Lock's suicide to avoid capture at the hands of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura, Lock Village falls into political chaos. Hanare renounces her ties to Lock and sets out to make a new life in the big city as a civilian, but the economy's down and she ends up forced to take a job as - what else - a stripper. About a year after Episode 191 it's Kakashi's birthday and Guy and Asuma decide it's high time to cross some things off Kakashi's "bucket list"...
Chapter 1
"Guy! Let go of me. I don't even have a bucket list!"
"Of course you do, Kakashi! And it's the most youthful Bucket List that ever existed! Written entirely by me, Might Guy, of course - and featuring no less than one-hundred-ninety-one items that you, Kakashi Hatake, my Eternal Rival, must do before you die or risk leaving this world in shameful dishonor! Forever known as Kakashi the Cowardly Copy Nin!"
"Guy no-" Kakashi was ignored as Asuma grabbed one arm and Guy the other. They dragged him under the glowing neon sign.
"WHAT luck! Our first stop appears before us!" Guy waved his arm with a flourish.
Kakashi looked up and blushed, stunned. It was one of those types of places - places he'd read about in his novels but had never set foot in. Places he'd pretended to be into to weird out the kids of Team 7 but that never in his life had he desired to actually patronize. Pinku Paradisu beamed down upon him. A smaller blinking sign on the tinted window promised "hostesses and more!"
"Sweeeet," said Asuma. "Think I got enough smokes to last about five hours."
"Wha-no! Five hours? Asuma, Guy, look-"
"Tsk tsk Kakashi! No teleporting or escape jutsus allowed! We had Tsunade slip you a little potion to suppress just those kinds of urges," Guy cackled as Kakashi slumped, resigned.
"Let's go, famous copy nin," Asuma chuckled, giving him a friendly shove in the back.
"Time to put that Sharingan of yours to a real test!" Guy bellowed as they went in.
Kakashi's groan was drowned out by blaring music as his senses were completely overwhelmed by smoke and darkness and the sickly sweet smell of floral perfume…
the day before yesterday
Guy woke up at 4 a.m., as usual, eyes snapping open at the first chime of his alarm. He threw off his bedcovers, flung himself into the shower, whistled a showtune for the 3 minutes he was in the water, then brushed his teeth furiously with half a tube of whitening paste. He groomed his eyebrows, combed his hair with pomade and dabbed on some expensive cologne. He jumped into his whitey tighties and cartwheeled into his jumpsuit. It all took him about 6 minutes total. He finished with a dazzling grin and huge thumbs-up at his own reflection in the hallway mirror.
"Good morning, you beast," he said.
Upon looking at his calendar next to the door, Guy gasped in nervous pleasure. September 13! Two days before his best friend and lifetime rival's birthday - time to put in motion the birthday scheme he'd been working on for the better part of a year. Guy dashed out of his apartment and headed to Asuma's, forgetting to eat breakfast in his excitement.
Luckily the Green Beast of Konoha always carried an emergency supply of protein bars - crammed in with the leg weights he wore beneath his orange knit legwarmers.
yesterday morning
"I can't believe the Hokage went along with your ridiculous idea, Guy." Kakashi's voice was slightly muffled by his mask and the fact he was tied up and smashed in the middle of the backseat between an enormous Hello Kitty doll and a gigantic bunch of a few dozen helium balloons. Not to mention the gauche bouquet of roses and wildflowers on his lap was irritating his sinuses and making his voice thick and his head sleepy.
"Aunty Tsunade was only too happy to help," Asuma grunted with a smile from the front, flicking his cigarette ash expertly out the window while he drove cavalierly with his other wrist draped over the steering wheel.
Asuma glanced into the rearview mirror. "She said you needed to 'get some miles on you' haha! Any idea what she's talkin' about there Hatake?"
"None," the copy ninja replied grimly. Asuma grinned. Then his smile slipped.
"The old man liked a good party gag like this too," Asuma murmured.
"I'm sorry," Kakashi said sincerely. Asuma shook his head, pulling out another cigarette and waggling it in front of the rearview. Kakashi nodded in understanding. Asuma lit up and they drove in silence awhile. Kakashi hated the station Asuma had it on… some kind of country music… but he figured the right thing was to let the bereaved younger Sarutobi listen to whatever the hell he wanted to.
Then just like that, the peace was shattered.
Guy's head popped up from the pile of guidebooks, brochures, maps and flyers that covered the passenger seat. "I'M OVERFLOWING WITH THE FEELINGS OF YOUTH," he sniffled, eyes wet with unshed tears. "It… it says right here-" he jabbed a steely finger at a spread-eagled brochure, "that there's a complimentary champagne fountain in the hotel lobby every Friday! And a complimentary chocolate fondue fountain… every Saturday brunch…!"
Kakashi tried not to roll his eyes. "So? What are you getting at, Guy?"
"TODAY IS FRIDAY… WHICH MEANS TOMORROW'S SATURDAY!" Guy cried out, tears spilling over as he pumped both fists. "Think of it Kakashi - champagne tonight, chocolate fonduuuuue tomorrow!"
Asuma laughed. Kakashi closed his eyes, stifling a sigh.
The scenery rolled past the windows, changing from Leaf region forest to green hills to a more arid horizon. Signs appeared, then poles and wires. Then more signs.
Kakashi felt himself getting sleepy. So far… it's a very strange birthday.
last night
"So that's it then? That's your answer?"
Kakashi turned his face, trying to reply. NO, that's not it, I need to tell you-
He couldn't breathe, something was suffocating him. Everything was dark. He turned again, trying to find the source of the voice. Maybe if I take off this damn mask… His fingers flexed and scrabbled but he couldn't free them.
"So that's it then?" The voice was softer, sadder. Kakashi tried to shout, to scream, but he had no air and the shadows were choking him.
"So that's your answer…" her voice was a whisper, trailing off. A sudden gust of wind brought her faint scent to him, and he knew he was too late - she was gone.
"Kakashi?! Kakashi!"
He blinked. Did she come back for me? Did-
"A youth-induced nightmare, nothing more, nothing less!" boomed an all-too-familiar baritone.
Kakashi felt the bindings loosen from his hands and he reached up to snatch everything away from his face, squinting angrily at Guy as he did so.
"It had nothing to do with youth! It was induced by you nearly suffocating me with this thing!" Kakashi shook the offending Hello Kitty behemoth with his right hand. He had the urge to give Guy a good thrashing with it.
"Aw, look at little Kakashi. Mad about some pussy on his face," Asuma drawled. Guy did the honorable thing and tried not to laugh at first, which of course only made him go cross eyed. Then he and Asuma burst into guffaws, slapping each other on the back and then Kakashi too as they hauled him out of the backseat.
Angry at first, as Guy straightened his uniform for him and Asuma said simply, "We're here," Kakashi felt himself grin beneath his mask. Though this was definitely not the birthday he would have chosen for himself, the company of these two was infinitely preferable to bad dreams alone… which, though he didn't like to admit it, he'd been having more frequently.
"Are we in time for the champagne fountain?" Kakashi offered, and Guy turned to him with such a beaming idiotic grin that Kakashi supposed it was worth it.
this morning
Kakashi woke up with a raging headache. He cursed all champagne everywhere, and himself for partaking, and most of all his best friend and self-proclaimed rival Guy for coming up with these ludicrous birthday plans and also challenging him to the champagne-fountain-drinking contest the night before.
"I feel like shit," Asuma chuckled from the other bed. "How bout you Kash?"
"Same." They could see Guy outside on the balcony, already fully dressed and doing pushups. The sun was peeking around a nearby highrise.
"I shoulda stopped after a few glasses and gone out for a smoke with that redhead," Asuma said remorsefully. He rolled over toward Kakashi and reached for his lighter on the nightstand. "Anyone catch your eye?" he asked.
Kakashi shook his head.
Asuma grunted, giving him a disbelieving look. "Saw a couple of local types tryna get your attention. Pretty. Real pretty. Couple of dudes, too. Don't think you noticed, though."
Kakashi shook his head again.
"Dudes were pretty too," Asuma said more to himself than Kakashi as he rolled the other way, out of the bed, and pulled on yesterday's pants. He waved his pack of cigs in explanation, and Kakashi watched as he joined Guy on the balcony where the latter was now doing jump squats.
Kakashi lay in the bed with his arm behind his head. The previous night had been raucous but ultimately uneventful. Guy had scared off every would-be hookup within a minute of meeting them, and Asuma was only half-assing it though he'd never admit it. Kakashi had watched the interaction with the redhead carefully - she was a confident woman, had initiated things with Asuma. She knew what she wanted and all Asuma would've had to do was go smoke. Kakashi had a vivid memory of the woman's gold-lacquered nails trailing up Asuma's arm.
No, Asuma was definitely holding back, and Kakashi had to wonder if it was related to the gossip about Kurenai back in the Leaf. Kakashi smirked under his mask.
Guy had actually looked much better than usual, in Kakashi's humble platonic opinion, because he'd ditched the green jumpsuit for a black one. He'd added a leather blazer instead of the standard Konoha flak, and had put on fringed blue suede boots and a metallic gold belt. He still looked ridiculous, but it was a shiny ridiculous that seemed suited to the city and kind of gave Guy an artsy or musician type vibe. Guy's idiosyncrasies hadn't gotten a makeover though, so parties initially turned on by his avant garde attire had soon been turned off by his megawatt personality.
Kakashi had been truthful to Asuma about no one catching his eye and failing to notice those persons whose eye he'd caught. The champagne was nauseating in large amounts and Kakashi wasn't much of a gambler in love or money. All the people around he remembered as one big abrasive, sweaty, sparkly blur.
Kakashi, in truth, had been bored.
But good-naturedly so.
Just then Guy burst back into the room from the balcony.
"Who's ready for a chocolate fountain?" the green-clad taijutsu master boomed with a thrust of his hips and a finger extended toward the door like some parody of a conqueror's statue.
Kakashi winced as Guy's loudness set his head throbbing. He didn't bother reminding his pal that he hated sweets. He tried to pull the covers over his head so he could doze off again, but Guy was already ripping the comforter off the bed.
now
The Pink Paradise's entry was an iron-barred door that led into a dark, close, warm tunnel of a hall that in turn opened into a vaulted room awash in dim soft coral and purple lights.
"Was there something anatomical about all that or am I imagining things," Kakashi mused despairingly to no one in particular.
"This place comes highly recommended," puffed Asuma.
Guy marched up to the greeting kiosk and smiled, which had the effect of frightening the staff into leaning away from him. A dude in a shiny shirt appraised the three of them coolly.
"Gentlemen. What's your pleasure?" he said. His voice was as silky sounding as his light bluish-green hair was silky looking. Kakashi immediately disliked him.
"Girls," Asuma said, nonplussed. He handed over their IDs. The silky guy took them politely and examined them under a small blacklight lamp.
"Hey, what's with the mask, bro?" A huge man next to the silky one said, pointing a fat thumb at Kakashi. Must be the bouncer Kakashi thought, automatically visualizing how he'd take him out if it came to a fight.
"Indie comic convention in town. Didn't you hear?" Asuma lied easily, taking their IDs back with a courteous nod. He jerked his head toward Kakashi. "He's playing that dude in the film version. You know."
Kakashi had no idea what Asuma was alluding to. The only new releases he paid attention to were Icha Icha adaptations.
The bouncer's eyes widened. "That's my favorite series! Oh wow. Oh wow-hey, could I-"
"No pictures," Asuma said firmly and the bouncer crumpled in disappointment. "But you two are sweet, so we'll make an exception." Asuma winked at the teal-haired dude, who, to Kakashi's surprise, seemed to blush.
Asuma nudged Kakashi forward. He posed for an expressionless selfie with the doorman and bouncer. They thanked Asuma and Kakashi and told them they could get them some better-than-the-usual seats. The teal-haired man picked up his walkie and radioed some instructions. A minute later a petite woman in a bright pink maid outfit appeared.
"Your seats are ready, masters, welcome to Paradise! Follow me, please… this way to the VIP box!" She extended a graceful arm to draw back the gauzy curtain just past the greeting kiosk.
"Thank you, gentlemen. Yuki will take care of you. Anything you need, just let her know," the silky guy gave them a respectful bow and the bouncer jumped to hold the other curtain out of their way.
"I'm his manager!" Guy informed everyone unnecessarily, jabbing his thumb at Kakashi and puffing up his chest with self importance as he marched past first.
Asuma swaggered in coolly like he'd done it a thousand times. Kakashi stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to follow his lead. When Yuki paused at a crowded ramp, Kakashi leaned near Asuma. "Was all that about a movie really necessary?"
"Didn't want 'em to hassle you bout the mask," Asuma replied quietly. "I know how you like to keep it on. Besides. Got us free VIP." The tanned shinobi showed his pearly whites around the cigarette dangling from his lips. It was an unapologetic smile.
They were moving again. Kakashi thought he saw a trapeze somewhere off in his left periphery. The sweet smell of perfume, some kind of incense, towering flower arrangements and ladies' hair products created a miasma that had Kakashi deeply regretting every bite of chocolate fondue. Bass assaulted his ears along with punctuating outbursts of male voices amidst the backdrop of female ones. Yuki was leading them down toward a central stage and Kakashi hesitated on the ramp… before a waiter bumped into him from behind and he had to keep going.
"My apologies, sir!" the server looked terrified that Kakashi might be angry.
"No harm done," Kakashi said distractedly. The server disappeared into the shifting crowds. It's just like a mission he told himself, but his palms were sweaty and he felt like he wanted to bolt. He kept his eyes on the back of Asuma's head to avoid having to look anywhere else.
As they descended the ramp he noticed the clientele looked wealthier, and suddenly Kakashi felt underdressed. Asuma, in an embroidered shirt, red leather moto jacket and an heirloom watch fit right in. Guy of course stood out like a sore thumb but could be chalked up to "eccentric." Kakashi felt people looking at him as they were led to the VIP section and now he second-guessed leaving his mask on and his black v-neck t-shirt and nicest pair of dark jeans seemed inadequate.
Closer to the stage there was definitely a higher density of human flesh. Kakashi had to look at the ceiling. He took a deep breath, unsure of how to act or what was expected of him. He got the impression of a lot of bodies - female bodies - all around him, and the smells and colors were overwhelming him. Something soft and skin-like brushed up against the bare part of his arm and he actually jumped.
Damn Guy's scheming Kakashi fumed, seriously considering making a break for it. But he didn't want to make a scene. I'd look a fool, and Guy would just drag me back. And… the girls here would probably be offended. Running out would be disrespectful. And damn Lady Hokage for helping these two out with her suppression potion. Kakashi knew it'd be days before he could flicker again. He could feel Tsunade's alchemy cutting off access to the chakra points he needed for that kind of thing.
Kakashi's mind wandered to a chapter in Icha Icha that had been set in a place like this. Was that how he should act? In the novel the protagonist had seen a beautiful woman from across the room, ordered an expensive drink and had it sent to her, only to discover the woman was an employee and couldn't drink on the clock. So he'd bought a private dance with her instead, and she was embarrassed to be compelled to perform for him as an object, but she really needed the money and in truth he seemed like a decent guy and though she had no idea he was actually truly interested in her as a person but he kept up the high roller facade because he was too afraid she'd-
"Sir?" A polite feminine voice cut into Kakashi's brooding. The copy ninja glanced down carefully… to see the little hostess Yuki holding out a chair for him. She was smiling, patient, with soft brown bangs framing her face, dimples, a lacey little hat and gloves… and a line of cleavage as long as Orochimaru's tongue between snowy marshmallows of breasts barely contained by the pink satin of her uniform.
"Th-thank you," Kakashi said, quickly sitting down. He thought he heard Asuma order some drinks. Guy was professing his love for Yuki, who seemed to be taking it in stride with professional giggling. Kakashi stared really hard at the table in front of him.
"Something wrong, Kash?" Asuma elbowed him as he lit a cigarette. "You're tense. Did I miss something? There aren't missing nin in here or something, are there? On my damn vacation…" Asuma glanced around.
Kakashi felt bad for worrying him. "No, nothing like that." He tried to muster up a smile for Asuma beneath his mask. "Just… getting lost in my head again!"
"Kakashi, you need to live more in the moment," Guy announced, butting into the conversation, leaning across Asuma and wrapping his arm protectively - or possessively - around Kakashi's shoulders. "You are the best kind of ninja. You come alive on the battlefield… like poetry in motion!" Guy extended an arm as though painting a picture. "You're there for your team and fully committed!... But off the field, you're a lone wolf. A solitary hunter. You bury your nose in those books of yours and never really open up… to anyone." Guy sniffled.
"Not even to me," he finished, tears starting. Right on cue the drinks arrived and Guy snatched his Cosmo up as salve to his pain.
"Would you rather be on the dude side?" Asuma said pragmatically, sipping his whisky neat.
Kakashi sighed. "No, this is… perfect. Really, guys. I just have a hard time… relaxing. Off duty."
Guy had dried his face. "Well, that's what we came for, isn't it, Asuma! Full blown, totally consuming, all-out and undeniable sweet, sweet relaaaaaaaaxation!"
Kakashi swallowed. "Right." Guy ruffled his hair.
"That's the spirit, Kakashi!"
The lights dimmed. "Looks like the next number's gonna start," Asuma said.
"Sweet baby kami," said Guy, rubbing his hands together.
"Great seats," Asuma murmured. Kakashi glanced up. They were great seats. Great, expensive, wonderful, right next to the damn stage seats. The chair was leather and cushiony, very nice and obviously expensive. Kakashi tried to get comfortable.
"...see everything," Guy was saying.
"Aren't these a bit… close?" Kakashi said weakly, looking back toward the rear of the room where an oasis of regular tables mocked him.
"...smell everything," Guy was saying.
Kakashi blanched but no one could tell because the lights were so low and he was always that pale anyway.
"Everythong, you mean." Asuma chuckled. He and Guy started laughing. Kakashi turned to his right, thinking he'd just side-eye the stage… but there was a pole to the right, sticking right up from their cocktail table.
"Wha-" Kakashi said. Outwardly his expression hadn't changed, but inside he felt like he was shaking, seeing his own doom, staring down a superior enemy.
"Hip and cool Kakashi, pretending he doesn't know what the private pole is for! Playing it coy. I like it!" Guy cackled and gave him a mega-thumbs-up.
"See something you like and we'll spring for it," Asuma said. "It's your birthday, after all."
Kakashi hoped he looked interested. He turned longingly to the back of the room again only to have someone's bare butt pass by inches from his nose. He whipped back around.
"That was an eyeful," chuckled Asuma appreciatively, craning his neck to watch the owner of the eyeful derriere walk all the way across the room.
Music started. Or had it been going already and just got louder? Kakashi honestly couldn't tell. He felt a tiny drop of sweat roll down from his temple to under his mask. He slouched down in his seat. He squirmed to the side. Then he tried leaning back.
"Great seats," Asuma said again.
"Yep. We're ALL gonna feel like we have the Sharingan tonight!" Guy slapped his thigh and guffawed at his own joke. Asuma chuckled supportively. Kakashi fantasized about slapping Guy.
He couldn't get comfortable. Yuki had come to check on them. Asuma ordered a round. Time was going so slowly! Finally Kakashi just grabbed his drink and downed the entire thing in one gulp. Bourbon seared his throat. The guys were snickering over some joke and not paying any attention to him. Kakashi leaned forward, jammed his elbows onto his knees and propped his face half-hidden behind his hands. There. Ready to begin being uncomfortable. He waited impatiently for the bourbon to do its dirty work of either dulling his senses and easing his anxiety or tricking his brain into making this more enjoyable. Or both.
The emcee was saying something, but Kakashi only caught every other word. People assumed, because he liked smut, that he was some kind of confident smooth operator. They mistook his silence for detached suaveness, his boredom for coolness. They assumed his lack of interest in women of the Leaf stemmed from some kind of secret, expansive intimate experiences that must have happened at some point... (on foreign missions? In Anbu? Maybe he only does it with high ranking types! Maybe he's got some kind of exclusive arrangement with the Hokage(s)!)... and that these near-classified experiences had turned him off of relations with mere mortals or civilians, that he was some kind of deviant connoisseur.
I am picky. That was the only grain of truth in any of the rumors.
"Get some miles on him…" Tsunade had come close to revealing a lot, but it was just Guy and Asuma, anyway. Kakashi told himself he didn't care what they knew. They can think what they want.
Asuma clapped manfully. Guy was hooting and fist-pumping at whatever the emcee'd just said.
I could be reading Kakashi thought wistfully as the stage curtains opened.