A/N: I really need to stop doing this. But I listen to songs and I can't help it, really. The little glimpse into Finn's head was inspired by two things: the look on his face during the breakup scene when he saw Rachel and the song The Mess I Made by Parachute.
Title and finishing touches were inspired by the song Your Head or Your Heart by Mat Kearney.
Thanks to Paceismyhero (Lizzie) and wants2beawriter (Jen) for betaing, fixing, trying to title, clarifying and basically writing the ending. Thanks to egyouppt (Kenz) for making me believe I could write a drabble and just… well, you see what happened? And this isn't even the idea we talked about. But I still feel like I'm somehow ripping off your style and just doing it not nearly as well. Thanks to tjcrowfoot (Laura) for loving what you read so hard, even in the middle of such utter insanity. I'm just so glad you're all right!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, any of the characters, nor do I own any of the songs mentioned, alluded to, used, etc.
When he sees her outside the funeral home, it actually, like…it's a physical reaction to seeing her. He cries because he's breaking up with Quinn but he wants to puke because he's pretty sure he broke Rachel. And he can only think of one way to fix it. There's only one way he wants to fix it. Because fixing the mess of them together might fix the mess of him and the mess of her.
He knows she's learning from the bad things she's done. She never really claimed to be an angel, but she certainly tries to fix it when she messes up. A few weeks ago, someone edged in on her spotlight again…and she didn't try to send Mercedes to a crack house. So she learned from that and she…she gave Mercedes what the girl needed to perform. And Mercedes sounded awesome and all, but he felt disappointed afterward. Rachel was supposed to have the closing number. He never hears Rachel sing anymore. She never sings solos in Glee anymore. He wonders how that's going to work now that Kurt's back, too. They used to be at each other's throats for solos and especially with Nationals coming up…he just hopes she gets to sing and she brings the house down and… he really, really misses hearing her sing and she did a rockin' job on the Fleetwood Mac song (of course she did, because she's Rachel and he's pretty sure she could, like, make a cat food company a million dollars with a song on their commercial because even though those songs, jingles or whatever, are so lame she's that good) but he wants her to sing for everyone. He wants her to win the competition for them. Because that's the only way they're going to win. She's the only one who is New York City good and who can bring them all to that level.
He thinks now that maybe they are New York City good – together. Like if he's part of something special then he can move mountains and alone, he's just going to hurt himself if he keeps trying.
He just needs to not think about it so much but he can't stop thinking about it and it's annoying how his brain won't just fucking turn off. He gave up homework last year when his mom said he seemed too stressed out, but this year he's giving up stuff like eating, too. He was so lost in thought, sitting on the bench in the locker room yesterday after baseball practice, that he forgot to drink his Gatorade. Puck stole it. And he had a headache all afternoon because he'd been out in the sun at practice and then hadn't rehydrated and whatever – Puck was kind of an asshole and he was about ten seconds away from Icy-Hot in Puck's cup again. He just has to wait for the last game of the season so it doesn't start shit. Or get him kicked off the team because he can't deal with that kind of rejection or free time right now. If he stays busy, he doesn't do stupid things. He needs to not be totally retarded right now because he has to focus.
He needs to stop thinking. He has to focus on not thinking.
When he let his heart dictate, when he was dating Rachel, things were fine. There was the bump in the road when he got kicked off football, but that was only sort of his fault. He thought Bieste had been pretty irrational in that situation and he got it—she lashed out because they were all assholes. He didn't want to be an asshole to a coach, but she was the first female coach she'd ever had and he forgot that girls took things personally. It was totally different dealing with a girl coach and a guy coach and he just needed to adjust. It was fine now and she was a good coach and y'know… whatever. When he was dating Rachel and he let his heart lead the way, let his heart understand the song she sang once she changed out of the slutty clothes, and her apology, and then he started treating her like his heart said to (like she was the one and the only one and … she was and he had kind of always known that but again with the head getting in the way), everything was fine. Everything was great. He just… he just should've done that more. His heart was telling him not to walk away, his heart told him not to dump her, and then he had kind of tuned it out and went with his gut instead and he just…his gut had some seriously terrible instincts. His head was even worse if that was possible. He just needed to let his heart kind of lead the way because that's what tethers him to Rachel. It's his heart. His heart is what understands and the rest of him is just kind of a mess.
He sees her all the time, even when he's not staring. He sees her getting into the car her parents sent to drive her to the funeral. Her dad got in a bad car accident on the way to his mother's funeral and so now he sends cars instead of driving and apparently that extends to Rachel. So he sees her getting into the car and she invited Sam and Puck to ride with her and she has that small smile that doesn't reach her eyes and he knows his smile doesn't reach his eyes because he's not even smiling and through all of it, the only thing he sees is her and the only thing he feels is her and the only thing he can think of is all the things he should've done, all the things he should've stopped doing, and how much time he has wasted and how stupid is he?
He wants to reach out and know she's there, but he needs to organize his thoughts first and shove them back so he can let his heart lead. Because if his heart leads, if he puts his heart out there for her, everything that ties him to her will be right there and she'll know because she always knows and … and she'll understand even if he can't find the words. Even though he knows she's a mess, she's a mess he made, she will understand. If she doesn't understand he's so screwed because would that mean there's no one on the other end of the tether? She just has to be there. He knows she is, even if she's not open and not showing him all that. She said it was killing her, so maybe it's some sort of defense, and maybe if she knows she doesn't have a reason to push him away like that then maybe she'll open up again.
His head is full of doubt. His heart knows it will happen.
He does a lot of staring lately. He knows he does a lot of staring lately and it might be creepy. He can't really help it, though. It's all such a mess and he thinks it's mostly his fault. He tried to clean up the messes they made and it just…it's probably too early to say everything is messed up forever. He's never really been one to write other people off. He snorts. Okay, so he snorts and stares before he closes his eyes and turns to walk away. It's kind of a pattern he's establishing. Clearly, though—clearly he's never been one to write people off because look at all the times he's gone back to people who hurt him. So he guesses that means he can't write off a situation either. Well, eventually he can. He just has to make really, really sure. Like so far into really sure that it's ridiculous.
So far into really sure that it makes a mess of things. For sure.
The thing is, for sure, that he's not confused anymore. He's not uncertain and he for sure doesn't want to write her off. Actually, he doesn't want to write them off. He's certain he's definitely not ready to do that at all. It seems like she might be though and he isn't sure what he should do with that. If he would've known now would happen, he never would've…well, it doesn't matter anyway. The mess is made, what's done is done and all that's left to do with any of it is to keep moving. Sometimes moving sucks but it's way better than standing still, right?
But right now, that's kind of all he can do. He can stand still and stare and fuck if he doesn't actually feel his heart breaking. It's not her fault it was already out there, just waiting and hoping she would take it back—take him back. He knows it's not all that easy and she's pretty focused on career stuff and he thinks that on paper, Jesse makes a better boyfriend; in some ways it makes sense when he sees them kissing in the auditorium. But really, he's pretty sure Jesse is just leaning on her because she's easy to lean on when you feel like a total loser. She has this blinding belief in people and she's kind of learned how to not use that as a weapon. And he wishes he could say he'd learned the same lesson. He's starting to catch on, though, and he really just wants to return the favor to her. That and so many other things.
Way back when she stood there with her voice shaking and she told him she kissed Puck and she ripped the heart off his sleeve and... he should've just kept his mouth shut. He should've just had some patience for once and kept his mouth shut and waited it out and… he had kind of promised her he could hang. And she had promised she would be honest. And he just keeps letting her down even though she's never been anything but honest and she's never done much of anything except what she said she would. She never promised not to make mistakes. She never promised not to hurt him. She promised to be honest.
He doesn't know if total honesty is all it's cracked up to be, though. Because when honesty and love are all mixed together, things get kind of confusing. Things get kind of messy and all the lines are blurred and whatever—maybe there weren't really ever any lines. He was so sure back then that there were lines, they had made lines, and he thought when she told him she kissed Puck she had crossed every single fucking one. He doesn't understand vengeance—and he never really understood insecurity at all until he couldn't be on the football team. He wasn't sure if it was good or bad that Rachel had taught him about lashing out; he wasn't really willing to admit maybe that's what the whole thing with Quinn had been. He needed to save face; he needed to figure out if he had that thing that made girls cheat on him or maybe with him or what. Now he's less concerned with saving face and more concerned with saving himself.
At first, he kind of wanted to hurt Rachel, too. But…but he couldn't really be like that. She was like that sometimes, she did stuff to hurt people on purpose, and he thought it was so ridiculous to think he had ever trusted her. But he did trust her – he does trust her. He's pretty sure she hurt herself more in the long run anyway. The only difference right now is she won't admit it. She used to be so open to him and now she kind of took her heart and wrapped it up tight and he can't…he can stare as long as he wants but he barely sees any parts of that girl she was when he walked away from her.
Oh, but he can see how messed up she is because of all that.
He gets it now. Of course now because it would've been so much easier to get it then and just save themselves the heartache. There would've been heartache because apparently you can't have your heart all the way into something without managing to fuck it up somehow. But even that kind of heartache, the together and working on something special kind, would be better than this kind. This kind is just sort of empty and sad. He hates being sad and he's never handled feeling empty that well. When he feels empty, he stops caring and he gets really stupid.
But now he kind of thinks maybe she's the mess he made. He told her that he was all messed up because two girlfriends had cheated on him and … well… the thing was even if he was messed up then he knew he loved her and it was just a trust issue. It wasn't even really a trust thing, it was a pride thing. It kind of hurt his ego to think she would or could choose to be with someone else. If what they had was special but not special enough then what was he doing with her? Or what was she doing wasting her time with him? It was the first time he felt like it was a waste or just not even the best thing for them both.
He knew in some ways she was too good for him. He knew that from the start. He might not know a lot, but he knows she's going to be great. He knows she's going to work her ass off and earn every single good thing that's coming to her. And he knows he isn't that, like, total about things. He needs room to change his mind. He needs room to decide what he's doing and room to fuck up and room to just…he needs space in a life sense. He knows what he likes, but he knows those things aren't necessarily going to be his whole life either.
He sighs. He knows what he loves, too. And he can count it on one finger. And he does want it to be for his whole life. Yeah, he knows how long that is but he just doesn't care anymore. And it doesn't matter if he did bother to care about being seventeen (since last week and when he thinks about it, he barely even remembers his birthday) and thinking he would do anything for one girl forever. Because it's not like he has a choice and if he tries to force it well, since it's like all he can feel is her when he's staring, then it hurts them both and it just…he's just had enough hurting. Hurting sucks.
It was super weird when she walked outside the funeral home right after Quinn climbed out of the truck. He was sort of watching Quinn walk away when he saw Rachel come out. She tossed Puck a soft smile that didn't reach her eyes. Most of her smiles didn't really reach her eyes these days anyway. He told her before Regionals that she was making a comeback, but he isn't sure that's the case now. Sure the funeral was sad, but she was always so…so… resilient and she always rose above. He'd helped her tape a song for her MySpace page last year on the anniversary of her grandma's death. It had been a really hard thing for her family, she said, because her dad's mother was the only one who had been supportive when he'd married a man or when they adopted a baby. Her one grandmother was the only family member they really had contact with on that side and then her grandmother was gone and… shit, even during that and even when she was crying a little for her grandma, her smiles touched her eyes and her voice rose above and…
…she hadn't even been present at their rehearsals for the funeral. She hadn't said anything when they were handing out solos for it (solos – like her personal candy) and… and the last time he even heard her sing alone was during the Fleetwood Mac thing. When she told him what song she was singing, he had kind of bypassed it at first, just kind of figured playing drums would be the ultimate fuck you to Quinn and how controlling she was being. Then they had met up for a practice and she had asked Puck to play guitar for it (what the hell was that, Rachel?) He was so distracted that he didn't notice 'til later, after more staring and even a couple times they had to start over because he screwed up so bad, that she didn't really look at either one of them, like not ever. Then he started to think about what the song was actually saying and fuck… he hoped she only picked it because it was on the album.
He still hopes that because he still doesn't know. He asked her to come with him to the motel to see if Quinn was cheating and they did all that stuff to help Sam together, making mistakes and then fixing them, and he still doesn't really know how she's feeling even after all that. He told her he always knew what she was thinking, but he only meant that in terms of when she was his girlfriend. When they were friends or whatever they barely are now, well, that's different. He doesn't know if she was telling him she was letting go with the song or what but then again, if she had let go would he still feel this tethered thing?
But if he was tethered the way he thought wouldn't he know what she was thinking? It doesn't… whatever. It doesn't really matter. All he knows for sure right now is how he feels and how he feels is turning into feeling like crap because he doesn't know how she feels and he needs to figure it out. Because if the tether thing is working like some two-way connection, if she's really feeling like he thinks she's feeling, then she's all kinds of messed up. He made a mess out of her: one of the most stable—and he snorts again thinking that about Rachel who really is about fifteen shades of crazy about some stuff—and caring and compassionate people he knows. He made a mess out of her when she trusted him not to because he lied. He lied to keep from making a mess or breaking her trust—to protect her. But what he forgot to remember was she never needed protecting because she's resilient. She can bounce back. She can fix herself. He used to tease her a little bit, after all the crap with Miss Corcoran, that he thought she had special powers to, like, grow back things she had lost, and could he cut her arm off to see if it would grow back?
He was wrong about that too, okay? She was strong but once she was broken it was all about saving face and he knows about doing that because he's the same way. He saves face. Or he tries to save face and he makes a mess.
But his heart stops when he sees her kissing Jesse and when it stops is when he thinks he can hear or feel it breaking a little. His heart stops and his head takes over and it happens so fast he just can't….at least his mouth doesn't jump in. Then they have the glee meeting, Schue tells them to write a song, and there's his heart again. Thank God he found it before he had a chance to corner her and his mouth and his head got away from him. He has to do this right or it's just not going to work. His head had screwed everything up. His head screwed up Rachel. And yes, he knows she's not totally innocent in the whole situation and he knows he's rightfully blamed her more than once (at least in his head), but they have to stop that eventually because he just needs her and loves her and he wants it to all be okay and enough and he wants her to know he needs her and wants her and loves her and… yeah. That's all. They just need to stop that.
So they're sitting on an airplane waiting for some last minute things to come through and he's staring again and she's not staring back. She's sitting with her eyes closed so he feels okay watching for a minute as long as no one catches him.
All he has when it comes to her right now is regret. He can't love her and regret the way he treated her any more. He just—he can't. He told Quinn he thought if he could fix everything from last year, things would be fine. And he really did think that and he really did think he loved her. He knows he cares about her. How could he not care about her? It's just all so mixed up with lies, and not knowing how she feels and not being able to trust her because he doesn't know how she feels about things (like him, that's a pretty big fucking thing not to know about your girlfriend, isn't it?), and he needs it to all be more uncomplicated. He's a simple guy; he knows he's a simple guy. He doesn't handle messy or complicated well. Just look at his track record. That's enough to prove that. He just needs simple and…
… that seems stupid. Rachel is not simple. But Rachel comes with, like, an instruction manual. In the form of her mouth. Because she never has a problem saying what she's thinking or what she's feeling and honestly, he knows that even if he can feel what she's feeling or can kind of tell what she's thinking, he needs the words along with it. So it makes her extra awesome because she tells him. She communicates. She doesn't leave him hanging. Not the way he left her hanging. Even if what she says is ugly and not… he wants to just let her say it and he wants to be able to say whatever, too.
He wants to be able to trust his head and his heart again and it's a lot, a lot, easier when they aren't fighting with each other. And they've been fighting each other for a long, long time. He guesses that's kind of the definition of being confused. But he knows now – all right? He knows he isn't the guy that can go back to Quinn. Caring about someone isn't enough to just stay happy and sometimes there isn't enough caring to erase the bad things they do or the bad things other people do and… it doesn't make him feel safe. And it certainly doesn't make him feel like she cares.
Rachel, on the other hand…Rachel cares. Rachel cares too much sometimes and maybe he doesn't appreciate it the way he should. Maybe he doesn't even notice as much as he should until it's gone. He doesn't want it to be gone. It just… it just can't be gone. He knows it's not gone because there's no way. He means, if she can kiss Puck and try to hurt him on purpose and he can still love her and that can still be the biggest thing in his head and his heart, then he's pretty sure that means all these feelings for her are never going away. And all of these feelings are good. After all this time and after everything they've done to each other, he doesn't know if he can think of a bad word to say about her.
He idly wonders if Jesse can say the same thing. But he thinks she only sort of forgives Jesse because even though he saw them kiss, he didn't see anything else after that and nothing really changed. Jesse is still annoying as fuck, Rachel is still some mix of broken and fucking amazing and strong at the same time, and he's still trying to get his head out of his way so his heart can talk.
Once his heart can talk, there will be no should have, no could have, no would have. There will be no her over there and him over here. There will be no mess and no trying to fix everything. All he needs is to fix them. He should've known that from the start. If he can fix them, it will fix him. He knows he can't fix her, necessarily, but he can apologize. He can apologize and let her know he loves her so she can fix herself. And if she needs him to wait? He can do that, too. Because no matter what, he can feel her. It's all on him—he really needs to get this right, but he knows he can't get it wrong. He just…he just knows it.
His heart knows just what to do and it's never misled him. It led him to her all those other times before. And this time…well, this time it's more than just leading him to her because of the way his heart is tied to hers. He's just not playing tug of war anymore. He isn't going back and forth. He's tied so tightly he's not going anywhere at all. He's just going back to where his heart has been waiting all along—with her.