Well... hey...i know I like twilight and all but it is kind of ridiculous... y'know...?

I vaugely remember typing this up after a chat with my friend who hates twilight. she read it once, laughed and donated it to a charity shop. Not that there's anything wrong with charity shops...

Enjoy!

I'd never given much thought to how I would die. This is simply because I'm too much of an airhead to figure out that I'm so danger prone, that it's impossible for me to take one step outside the front door without meeting some kind of mythological being or wild animal. But even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this. Okay, maybe I would have, after all, I'm very open-minded. You'd have to be so as not to snap when I'm told vampires and werewolves exist.

Well, I'm in this situation right now because I'm an all-around Mary-Sue and am so noble as to die in place of my mother, at the hands of a psychopathic vampire. Really, if I had any sense, I would have called up my boyfriend and his apparently uber-sexy family of vamps, and got on the next flight to the other side of the world. But noooooo! I HAD to be the main character. I HAD to be a hero. I should say: "Stick this! I'm going to Barcelona! Call me when these people find their common sense!"

If my mum hadn't abandoned me in Phoenix, forcing me to come to this small piece of Ireland in the west of America. In some sort of trance, I had agreed to go spend time with my dad. WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT? I'm a bratty spoilt teenager! I could have thrown a tantrum or something. Like in the next book, Edward dumps me in the middle of the forest! (Though I got to admit, he's got guts dumping me) I'm in a mood for like, five months or something and when my dad tries to send me off to my mum, I throw a fit! WTF? Who wrote this crap? S-T-E-P-H-E-N-I-E-M-A-Y-E-R. Stephanie Mayer? (anagram time!: Ray name shit pee) Well screw her.

You know, this is all Edward's fault. If he hadn't introduced me to 'The American Pastime' that is baseball, which I had seemingly no interest in before I saw him in his hat, I wouldn't have met James. Keep that in mind while you read this, so no matter how smexy I point him out to be, remember it's his fault I'm about to die.

Well, Jesus, I think I better go back to the start, yeah, that's how these things normally work right? I was never all that good at English. Romeo and Juliet stayed though, because my "sexy" vampire kept randomly quoting it to me. Look Eddie, just because you've got some freaky, photographic memory doo-hickey going on in that gloriously immortal brain of yours doesn't mean you have to rub it in my face.

Now then I've spent quite a lot of my last few moments ranting and cursing Eddie-kins. I suppose it is fitting though. Besides he WAS some kind of freaky perverted stalker. I mean, watching me in my sleep? Hell-o! How is that romantic in the slightest? All you bubbling fan girls really need to get your priorities right.

Well, since this is a romance story, and I AM the main character, I can't die. It's against all the laws of Fanfiction. And well… ouch that's painful, James just bit me. Seriously? I thought only little kids did that. Any-who, my knight in shining skin will be along any moment to sweep me off to a hospital where conveniently, nobody will think it odd they saw the same kid here ten years ago and hasn't aged a day. Life is good.

Ha ha so review, I guess. I typed up most of this a few years ago. I think I planned it as a full parody, but I don't have the energy for it...