Disclaimer: Sports Night and its characters do not belong to me. Neither do "Late Night with David Letterman" or David Letterman himself. Neither does the Rydell song from Grease. Enjoy, and please review- this is my first Sports Night fic. Thanks!
-The Author
PS- Where it says "Name of island", I really can't remember the island's name. Sorry.
[Screen that says "Sports Night" as we hear Casey saying]
Casey: ...while Mike Mussina took some heat about the chill his fastball generated.
[Fade up to Casey and Dan at desk]
Dan: That's all for tonight. Join us next time when we'll recap the Astros - Pirates game, as well as talk to 'Stro Jeff Bagwell on batting stances, catchers' glances and victory dances.
[Cut to booth. Natalie looks to Dana with a smug smile.]
Natalie: I told him to keep that one.
Dana: Keep it?
Natalie: He was thinking of cutting it. I told him to keep it.
Jeremy: And ah, what a pity it would have been to cut such an eloquent rhyme scheme.
Natalie: [thoughtfully] It must be nice.
Jeremy: What must be nice?
Natalie: To have a long, lonely night ahead of you-
Jeremy: Point taken.
[Cut to anchor desk.]
Casey: I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell, and you've been watching Sports Night on CSC. Have a good night.
Dan: Good night.
[Cut to booth]
Dave: Animation.
Elliott: Music.
Dave: We're out.
Natalie: Good show.
Dana: Very good show.
Natalie: Maybe he should have said "game enhancers" instead of "victory dances".
Dana: Natalie-
Natalie: [They get up and begin to walk from the booth] I mean, considering the way the Astros have been doing lately, victory dances seem unlikely.
Dana: Natalie-
Natalie: [not hearing or not heeding] But then again, "enhancers" doesn't rhyme exactly with "glances", at least unless you're British, which Casey isn't.
Dana: [resigned to the conversation] No, he isn't British.
Natalie: Can't even do a British accent.
Dana: He's about as far from British as you can get.
Natalie: I've heard his British accent, and believe me, it's bad. [They reach Dana's office.] Did you want to talk to me about something?
Dana: [thrown] Yes, well... Dan got a call.
Natalie: A call? [They enter the office.]
Dana: From the people at Letterman.
Natalie: David Letterman?
Dana: [sarcastic] No, Al Letterman, David's illegitimate brother who also has a late-night TV show, yes, David Letterman.
Natalie: [surprised] What do they want him for? To be on the show?
Dana: Why wouldn't they want Dan? Dan's charming!
Natalie: Very charming.
Dana: A bit aloof sometimes, but he's a very charming person.
Natalie: So what's the problem? [She looks happy]
Dana: Should I let him do it?
Natalie: Is it your call?
Dana: [worried] It might be my call. It's certainly my call to advise him, or at least suggest strongly. Would it be a good idea?
Natalie: Why wouldn't it be?
Dana: Usually it's Casey-
Natalie: [waving her hand dismissively, shaking her head] Casey gets all the publicity around here. It's time Dan had some.
Dana: He's done stuff like this before.
Natalie: Usually with Casey, though. This is his chance to...to shine!
Dana: You're right. I will advise or at least strongly suggest that he go for it.
[Cut to anchor desk area. Dan has removed his jacket and has his tie slung over his shoulder; Casey is leaning on the desk. People mill about in the background.]
Dan: [breezily] I won't get nervous.
Casey: [chuckling to himself] You might get a little nervous, it's a nerve-wracking experience.
Dan: [shrugging- clearly not worried] I've done it before. No big deal.
Casey: Not alone you haven't.
Dan: [persistently] No big deal.
Casey: But what if nerves attack?
Dan: Sounds like a Fox special.
Casey: You'll get all... starey.
Dan: Starey? Is that word legal?
Casey: It's what you do.
Dan: It is not.
Casey: When you get nervous you do this. [He freezes, looks as if hypnotized. His eyes dart back and forth, then revert to normal.]
Dan: [laughing] That is not what I do.
Casey: [calling to a person at random] Who am I doing an impression of here? [Does the routine again.]
Person: Either Eileen Brennan or Dan when he's nervous.
Casey: [holding up two fingers and smiling triumphantly] Second time's a charm!
Dan: [beat] [incredulously] Eileen Brennan? [Jeremy exits the booth and heads toward them.] Jeremy, do I look like Eileen Brennan?
Jeremy: How does one answer that question?
Dan: Saying "no" would be nice.
Jeremy: Ah. [looks to Casey, then back at Dan] Have either of you stumbled across a pin?
Casey: A pin?
Jeremy: Yes, a pin. It's gold, about two centimeters in diameter, and it has the words "A thing of beauty is a joy forever" inscribed on it in Ancient Greek. Well, literally it translates to "Whatever is beautiful is ever dear," but it amounts to the same thing.
Dan: Can't say that I have, but I did find one with "Lordy, Lordy, look who's forty" in Sanskrit.
Casey: [ignoring him] Where did you lose it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: [ironically] That is the question at hand, isn't it?
Casey: What's it for?
Jeremy: [sighing a bit] My cousin Nadine's birthday is coming up. She's an archaeologist, currently studying the Mycenean culture of Ancient Greece over in [name of island]. She's always been interested in Ancient Greece, and I thought this would be nice for her.
Dan: When did you see it last?
Jeremy: I remember putting it in my pocket this morning, and I know it was there when I got here today, because I showed it to Natalie. Other than that, [shrugs] I have no clues.
Dan: [clapping Jeremy on the shoulder] Don't worry, my friend, Casey and I are pin-finders. If there ever was a pin-finder greater than myself or Casey, I would like to shake his hand and say hi.
Casey: [joining the fun] Pin-finder happens to be [beat] my middle name.
Jeremy: [enjoying it, but not enough] I thought it was Randolph?
Dan: [pauses] Did I know that?
Casey: I'm certain you did, Daniel Wesley. I wonder if that's how they'll announce you on Letterman. [raises his voice slightly] Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Wesley Rydell! [applauds]
Jeremy: [to Dan as Casey stops applauding] You're going on Letterman?
Dan: [trying to be cool] No big deal.
Jeremy: Alone?
Dan: Yes, alone. Well, Letterman and the audience will be there, but yes, it's just me-
Casey: [still with raised voice] And musical guest, Elvis Costello! [musingly] Wonder what his middle name is.
Jeremy: Don't be nervous.
Casey: [still musing] Maybe it's Dweezil...
Dan: [getting a little frustrated] I'm not going to get nervous.
Jeremy: Because when you get nervous, you do this. [Does the same routine Casey did.]
Dan: [pointing at them] You people are cruel.
Casey: [enjoying himself] Moon Unit. That's a good one. [distinctly] Elvis Moon Unit Costello.
Jeremy: Actually, his middle name is Patrick.
Casey: Elvis Patrick Costello? That's a little boring, I'm disappointed.
Jeremy: His real name is Declan Patrick McManus. He changed it to Elvis Costello during the 70's, and I don't think he included a middle name. [spreads his hands, then claps them together] Well, let me know if you find the pin.
Dan: Will do, will do.
[Establishing shot: Outside of the building, daytime.]
[Dan and Casey's office. Dan is leaning back in his chair, throwing a baseball into the air and catching it over and over. Natalie gives a perfunctory knock on the door frame and enters.]
Dan: [giving her a quick glance] Hi.
Natalie: Hi, Dan. [pause] I heard you got the call.
Dan: I got the call. No big deal.
Natalie: [catches the ball and turns it over in her hands] No big deal. Uh-huh.
Dan: That's what I said. It's a breeze. [locks his hands together and folds them behind his head. He's cool as a cucumber]
Natalie: [she doesn't buy it] And the fact that you're doing this without Casey doesn't... make you nervous, or happy, or anything at all?
Dan: Nope. It'll be smooth sailing. [satisfied sigh]
Natalie: [tosses the ball in the air and catches it] Know what, Dan?
Dan: What?
Natalie: [matter-of-fact] You are lying to me. [She sits on his desk and grins impishly at him, then picks up a pencil.] Know what I'm going to do with this pencil?
Dan: Hit me over the head with it?
Natalie: No. Do you know why?
Dan: Because that would be beneath you?
Natalie: It would be very beneath me.
Dan: Beneath you as the ground is beneath the sky.
Natalie: [hits him over the head with the pencil] I changed my mind, because you're lying to me. You're excited.
Dan: [pauses, then allows himself a big, Dan-Rydell-is-very-pleased smile] Yeah, okay, I'm excited.
Natalie: I'm so glad you're getting to do this without Casey.
Dan: Me too.
Natalie: Don't get me wrong, Casey's great-
Dan: A great guy.
Natalie: Deserves all good things.
Dan: Amen.
Natalie: But it's your turn.
Dan: [smiles a little] It is, isn't it?
Natalie: Just don't get nervous. [Dan is about to protest, but Natalie cuts him off.] Because when you get nervous, you do this. [Same routine.]
Dan: I do not do that!
Natalie: [changing tracks without missing a beat] Guess what I did yesterday?
Dan: You made the Olympic archery team? [Natalie shakes her head.] You taught yourself how to play the bassoon? [Natalie shakes her head. Dan pauses.] Did you, Natalie Hurley, single-handedly end the regime of the Talaban militia? [Natalie shakes her head.] I give up.
Natalie: I stole a pin.
Dan: A pin?
Natalie: Yep.
Dan: From Jeremy?
Natalie: From Jeremy. See? [She pulls the pin out of her pocket, checks outside for Jeremy, and shows it to Dan. Dan studies it.]
Dan: Do you know what it says?
Natalie: [witheringly] Of course I know what it says. It says, [squints at the pin] [haltingly] "Oh tee kaphon hiphon aeiiii." [this last "word" said like someone falling off a cliff.] [Dan snorts laughter.]
Dan: I don't think that's what it says.
Natalie: [a little offended] Well, can you read Ancient Greek, Mr. I'm-Gonna-Be-On-Letterman Rydell?
Dan: Maybe I can.
Natalie: No, you can't. Maybe Casey can, he speaks all sorts of languages-
Dan: [a trifle coolly] He doesn't speak Ancient Greek. [pauses] No one speaks Ancient Greek. Anyway, no, Jeremy told me what it says. It says- [Natalie clamps a hand over his mouth]
Natalie: Don't tell me. I want to figure it out for myself. [She flashes a smile at him and exits as Dana enters.]
Dana: Dan-
Dan: [a preemptive strike] Dana, whatever you do, don't say, "When you're nervous, you do this." [Does the routine.]
Dana: [confused] But that is what you do. [Dan sighs. During this next rant, Dan at intervals looks like he's about to say something, but doesn't get the chance.] Anyway, I just came in here to tell you that I am going to advise you [amending] or at least strongly suggest to you that you go ahead and go on the show. I know it'll be a lot of pressure, but you're good under pressure, Danny, you're really good. And you're a charming guy, really charming, and I think that's what drew Letterman to you in the first place. [Realizes she may have made an error, plows on.] I mean, a lot of things drew you to him, but your charm was definitely up there, let me tell you. I'm not Letterman, so I can't say, but I think it's a very distinct possibility. So don't be nervous, because, well, you know what you do when you get nervous.
Dan: [wearily] Yes, I know. Let me ask you a question.
Dana: Go for it. [She sits on the edge of Dan's desk.]
Dan: Do I live in Casey's shadow?
Dana: Absolutely not.
Dan: Do you even know what I mean?
Dana: No.
Dan: Everyone's worried that I'll choke without Casey. Do they think I'm his sidekick?
Dana: [encouragingly] No, Danny, no one thinks you're his sidekick. Casey would be lost without you. You're not his sidekick, you're his partner. And he's your partner.
Dan: People think that?
Dana: Believe me, Casey would be a lot less tolerable if you weren't around.
Dan: [laughing] He would?
Dana: [smiling] He's so cocky. [Casey enters]
Dan: Speak of the devil...
Casey: I prefer not to. He might be listening.
Dana: And we wouldn't want that, now would we?
Casey: Well, I certainly don't.
[Cut to editing room. Natalie is standing alone, still squinting at the pin as if hoping for divine inspiration. A baseball game plays in the background. Dave and Elliot enter and pick up two tapes apiece, which are sitting on a table near the door. As they enter, Natalie stuffs the pin into her pocket.]
Dave: Is this what Dana-
Natalie: Dave?
Dave: Yes, ma'am.
Natalie: Do you read Ancient Greek?
Dave: No, ma'am.
Natalie: Elliot?
Elliot: I took Latin in high school. No Greek, sorry. [Natalie looks disappointed. Dave and Elliot leave, Kim enters.]
Kim: Natalie, Jeremy's asking-
Natalie: [hopeful] Kim, do you read Ancient Greek?
Kim: I knew a guy who did, but that was four years ago.
Natalie: Do you know where I could find a Greek dictionary?
Kim: No.
Natalie: Darn it. [smiles falsely] I'll be out in a minute. [Kim shrugs and leaves. Natalie pulls out the pin again when Dan enters, carrying a legal pad.] What is this, Grand Central Station?
Dan: No, it's the editing room.
Natalie: What does the pin say?
Dan: I thought you wanted to figure it out.
Natalie: I did, but then I remembered something.
Dan: What did you remember?
Natalie: I don't read Ancient Greek.
Dan: Funny how that can slip your mind.
Natalie: Yeah. So what does it say?
Dan: It says, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Literally it's something else, but it's close enough.
Natalie: A-ha! I knew it!
Dan: You did?
Natalie: Not really. Thanks, Danny. [She leaves and encounters Jeremy just outside.] Look what I found! [gives him the pin]
Jeremy: [happily] Where did you find this?
Natalie: In there. [gestures toward the editing room]
Jeremy: That's odd, I didn't go in the editing room yesterday.
Natalie: [grins nervously] It says "A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
Jeremy: Yes.
Natalie: Well, really it says something else, but it's close enough.
Jeremy: It really says "Whatever is beautiful is ever dear."
Natalie: How sweet.
Jeremy: Really, where did you find it?
Natalie: I told you. In there. [Gestures toward the editing room again.]
Jeremy: I can't understand how it got in there.
Natalie: Magic.
Jeremy: Natalie-
Natalie: Okay, I borrowed it, I just wanted to look at it.
Jeremy: [gently] You could have asked me.
Natalie: Are you mad?
Jeremy: No, I'm not mad. Who told you what it says?
Natalie: No one told me.
Jeremy: Someone told you. You don't know Ancient Greek.
Natalie: [bristling] What makes you say that?
Jeremy: Well, it doesn't-
Natalie: Just because I don't have a photographic memory and I don't know every single battle of the Civil War doesn't mean I don't know Ancient Greek.
Jeremy: I'm sorry.
Natalie: [pause] I don't know Ancient Greek.
Jeremy: I know. Is something wrong?
Natalie: I'm tired of you being the smart one and the cute one.
Jeremy: [smiling a little] You're definitely the cute one, Natalie.
Natalie: [doubtfully] I am?
Jeremy: [calling to Kim and Elliot, who are passing by] Who's the cute one?
Kim: Charlie Sheen.
Elliot: [to Kim] I always thought that, too. Estevez is too-
Jeremy: I meant out of Natalie and me.
Kim: Natalie.
Elliot: Natalie.
Jeremy: [triumphant] I told you. And I think you're very smart. You do things on this show I could never do.
Natalie: [grinning] I do?
Jeremy: You do. Every day. People just think I'm smart because I know a lot of useless trivia, like the fact that Elvis Costello's real name is-
Natalie: Declan Patrick McManus.
Jeremy: See? You're a genius. [Natalie grins again. She pecks Jeremy on the cheek and goes back into the editing room. Dan is scribbling notes about the game on the legal pad but looks distracted.]
Natalie: I'm the cute one.
Dan: Of course you're the cute one.
Natalie: And Jeremy says I'm a genius.
Dan: That was nice of him.
Natalie: You're nervous, aren't you?
Dan: [stops writing, then starts again] Maybe.
Natalie: What for? You'll knock the house down.
Dan: David Letterman is very intimidating. He's always funny. I'm only funny with a script that I have time to prepare. What if he's funny and I choke?
Natalie: You're a funny guy. And you're charming, you've got that.
Dan: I'll end up doing this. [Routine.]
Natalie: No, you won't. When is it happening?
Dan: Two days.
Natalie: Isn't that short notice?
Dan: [beat] James Woods cancelled.
Natalie: Get out.
Dan: I'm serious. James Woods cancelled, so they needed someone, so they called me.
Natalie: James Woods? He's amazing! [hastily] Not as amazing as you, though, Danny.
Dan: [smiling] You know what'll be weird? Letterman tapes at 5:00. We go on the air at 11:00, live. So I'll be in two places at once.
Natalie: You'll be ubiquitous.
Dan: [beat] Is that from the Word-of-the-Day calendar that Jeremy gave you?
Natalie: May 3rd. [She smiles.] You'll be great.
[Two days later.]
[Dan and Casey are sitting in the conference room. Dan is reading a book, Casey is writing something on a legal pad.]
Casey: It should be done soon.
Dan: I'm not watching. [Elliot runs in.]
Elliot: [carrying a videotape] Your part's done, Dan, we're watching it now. [Dan jumps up to leave the room, but Casey grabs his arm and anchors him to the spot. People stream into the room, including Dana, Natalie, Jeremy, Isaac, Elliot, Kim, Dave, et.al. Natalie, Casey, Jeremy and Dana surround Dan so he can't move.]
Dan: This is embarrassing. [Elliot puts the tape in the VCR and turns the volume up.]
[Onscreen: Letterman is sitting at his desk.]
Dave L: My first guest tonight is co-anchor of TV's Sports Night. Please welcome Dan Rydell!
[Onscreen: Background audience cheers as the CBS Orchestra plays a jazzy version of the Rydell High School Song from "Grease!". Dan comes out smiling.]
[People in conference room cheer and catcall. Casey claps Dan on the shoulder, Natalie grins.]
Natalie: That's you!
Dan: No kidding.
Isaac: Hush up, both a ya.
[Onscreen: Dan and Dave sit down.]
Dave L: Hi!
Dan: Hello.
Dave L: How the hell are ya? You run a great show down there at... CSC, is it?
Dan: CSC, yes. And thank you. I don't run it, though, I just do what they tell me. [Audience laughs.]
Dave L: [chuckling as well] You do write the stuff.
Dan: I write what I say.
Dave L: Funny stuff. Do you... what, do you sit all day and think of funny things you can say about sports? Funny little clever sports things?
Dan: [laughing a little] Well, I think about them half the day and talk about them half the day.
Dave L: Sounds like my job.
Dan: In a sense, yeah.
Dave L: Only here, we don't talk about sports, we talk about... we talk about Antonio Banderas.
Dan: Does he play sports?
[Conference room: Casey smiles at Dan, Natalie turns to him.]
Natalie: You look great up there.
Casey: Good job, Danny.
[Dan smiles widely as we hear the audience laughing in the background.]
[Fade out.]
-The Author
PS- Where it says "Name of island", I really can't remember the island's name. Sorry.
[Screen that says "Sports Night" as we hear Casey saying]
Casey: ...while Mike Mussina took some heat about the chill his fastball generated.
[Fade up to Casey and Dan at desk]
Dan: That's all for tonight. Join us next time when we'll recap the Astros - Pirates game, as well as talk to 'Stro Jeff Bagwell on batting stances, catchers' glances and victory dances.
[Cut to booth. Natalie looks to Dana with a smug smile.]
Natalie: I told him to keep that one.
Dana: Keep it?
Natalie: He was thinking of cutting it. I told him to keep it.
Jeremy: And ah, what a pity it would have been to cut such an eloquent rhyme scheme.
Natalie: [thoughtfully] It must be nice.
Jeremy: What must be nice?
Natalie: To have a long, lonely night ahead of you-
Jeremy: Point taken.
[Cut to anchor desk.]
Casey: I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell, and you've been watching Sports Night on CSC. Have a good night.
Dan: Good night.
[Cut to booth]
Dave: Animation.
Elliott: Music.
Dave: We're out.
Natalie: Good show.
Dana: Very good show.
Natalie: Maybe he should have said "game enhancers" instead of "victory dances".
Dana: Natalie-
Natalie: [They get up and begin to walk from the booth] I mean, considering the way the Astros have been doing lately, victory dances seem unlikely.
Dana: Natalie-
Natalie: [not hearing or not heeding] But then again, "enhancers" doesn't rhyme exactly with "glances", at least unless you're British, which Casey isn't.
Dana: [resigned to the conversation] No, he isn't British.
Natalie: Can't even do a British accent.
Dana: He's about as far from British as you can get.
Natalie: I've heard his British accent, and believe me, it's bad. [They reach Dana's office.] Did you want to talk to me about something?
Dana: [thrown] Yes, well... Dan got a call.
Natalie: A call? [They enter the office.]
Dana: From the people at Letterman.
Natalie: David Letterman?
Dana: [sarcastic] No, Al Letterman, David's illegitimate brother who also has a late-night TV show, yes, David Letterman.
Natalie: [surprised] What do they want him for? To be on the show?
Dana: Why wouldn't they want Dan? Dan's charming!
Natalie: Very charming.
Dana: A bit aloof sometimes, but he's a very charming person.
Natalie: So what's the problem? [She looks happy]
Dana: Should I let him do it?
Natalie: Is it your call?
Dana: [worried] It might be my call. It's certainly my call to advise him, or at least suggest strongly. Would it be a good idea?
Natalie: Why wouldn't it be?
Dana: Usually it's Casey-
Natalie: [waving her hand dismissively, shaking her head] Casey gets all the publicity around here. It's time Dan had some.
Dana: He's done stuff like this before.
Natalie: Usually with Casey, though. This is his chance to...to shine!
Dana: You're right. I will advise or at least strongly suggest that he go for it.
[Cut to anchor desk area. Dan has removed his jacket and has his tie slung over his shoulder; Casey is leaning on the desk. People mill about in the background.]
Dan: [breezily] I won't get nervous.
Casey: [chuckling to himself] You might get a little nervous, it's a nerve-wracking experience.
Dan: [shrugging- clearly not worried] I've done it before. No big deal.
Casey: Not alone you haven't.
Dan: [persistently] No big deal.
Casey: But what if nerves attack?
Dan: Sounds like a Fox special.
Casey: You'll get all... starey.
Dan: Starey? Is that word legal?
Casey: It's what you do.
Dan: It is not.
Casey: When you get nervous you do this. [He freezes, looks as if hypnotized. His eyes dart back and forth, then revert to normal.]
Dan: [laughing] That is not what I do.
Casey: [calling to a person at random] Who am I doing an impression of here? [Does the routine again.]
Person: Either Eileen Brennan or Dan when he's nervous.
Casey: [holding up two fingers and smiling triumphantly] Second time's a charm!
Dan: [beat] [incredulously] Eileen Brennan? [Jeremy exits the booth and heads toward them.] Jeremy, do I look like Eileen Brennan?
Jeremy: How does one answer that question?
Dan: Saying "no" would be nice.
Jeremy: Ah. [looks to Casey, then back at Dan] Have either of you stumbled across a pin?
Casey: A pin?
Jeremy: Yes, a pin. It's gold, about two centimeters in diameter, and it has the words "A thing of beauty is a joy forever" inscribed on it in Ancient Greek. Well, literally it translates to "Whatever is beautiful is ever dear," but it amounts to the same thing.
Dan: Can't say that I have, but I did find one with "Lordy, Lordy, look who's forty" in Sanskrit.
Casey: [ignoring him] Where did you lose it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: [ironically] That is the question at hand, isn't it?
Casey: What's it for?
Jeremy: [sighing a bit] My cousin Nadine's birthday is coming up. She's an archaeologist, currently studying the Mycenean culture of Ancient Greece over in [name of island]. She's always been interested in Ancient Greece, and I thought this would be nice for her.
Dan: When did you see it last?
Jeremy: I remember putting it in my pocket this morning, and I know it was there when I got here today, because I showed it to Natalie. Other than that, [shrugs] I have no clues.
Dan: [clapping Jeremy on the shoulder] Don't worry, my friend, Casey and I are pin-finders. If there ever was a pin-finder greater than myself or Casey, I would like to shake his hand and say hi.
Casey: [joining the fun] Pin-finder happens to be [beat] my middle name.
Jeremy: [enjoying it, but not enough] I thought it was Randolph?
Dan: [pauses] Did I know that?
Casey: I'm certain you did, Daniel Wesley. I wonder if that's how they'll announce you on Letterman. [raises his voice slightly] Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Wesley Rydell! [applauds]
Jeremy: [to Dan as Casey stops applauding] You're going on Letterman?
Dan: [trying to be cool] No big deal.
Jeremy: Alone?
Dan: Yes, alone. Well, Letterman and the audience will be there, but yes, it's just me-
Casey: [still with raised voice] And musical guest, Elvis Costello! [musingly] Wonder what his middle name is.
Jeremy: Don't be nervous.
Casey: [still musing] Maybe it's Dweezil...
Dan: [getting a little frustrated] I'm not going to get nervous.
Jeremy: Because when you get nervous, you do this. [Does the same routine Casey did.]
Dan: [pointing at them] You people are cruel.
Casey: [enjoying himself] Moon Unit. That's a good one. [distinctly] Elvis Moon Unit Costello.
Jeremy: Actually, his middle name is Patrick.
Casey: Elvis Patrick Costello? That's a little boring, I'm disappointed.
Jeremy: His real name is Declan Patrick McManus. He changed it to Elvis Costello during the 70's, and I don't think he included a middle name. [spreads his hands, then claps them together] Well, let me know if you find the pin.
Dan: Will do, will do.
[Establishing shot: Outside of the building, daytime.]
[Dan and Casey's office. Dan is leaning back in his chair, throwing a baseball into the air and catching it over and over. Natalie gives a perfunctory knock on the door frame and enters.]
Dan: [giving her a quick glance] Hi.
Natalie: Hi, Dan. [pause] I heard you got the call.
Dan: I got the call. No big deal.
Natalie: [catches the ball and turns it over in her hands] No big deal. Uh-huh.
Dan: That's what I said. It's a breeze. [locks his hands together and folds them behind his head. He's cool as a cucumber]
Natalie: [she doesn't buy it] And the fact that you're doing this without Casey doesn't... make you nervous, or happy, or anything at all?
Dan: Nope. It'll be smooth sailing. [satisfied sigh]
Natalie: [tosses the ball in the air and catches it] Know what, Dan?
Dan: What?
Natalie: [matter-of-fact] You are lying to me. [She sits on his desk and grins impishly at him, then picks up a pencil.] Know what I'm going to do with this pencil?
Dan: Hit me over the head with it?
Natalie: No. Do you know why?
Dan: Because that would be beneath you?
Natalie: It would be very beneath me.
Dan: Beneath you as the ground is beneath the sky.
Natalie: [hits him over the head with the pencil] I changed my mind, because you're lying to me. You're excited.
Dan: [pauses, then allows himself a big, Dan-Rydell-is-very-pleased smile] Yeah, okay, I'm excited.
Natalie: I'm so glad you're getting to do this without Casey.
Dan: Me too.
Natalie: Don't get me wrong, Casey's great-
Dan: A great guy.
Natalie: Deserves all good things.
Dan: Amen.
Natalie: But it's your turn.
Dan: [smiles a little] It is, isn't it?
Natalie: Just don't get nervous. [Dan is about to protest, but Natalie cuts him off.] Because when you get nervous, you do this. [Same routine.]
Dan: I do not do that!
Natalie: [changing tracks without missing a beat] Guess what I did yesterday?
Dan: You made the Olympic archery team? [Natalie shakes her head.] You taught yourself how to play the bassoon? [Natalie shakes her head. Dan pauses.] Did you, Natalie Hurley, single-handedly end the regime of the Talaban militia? [Natalie shakes her head.] I give up.
Natalie: I stole a pin.
Dan: A pin?
Natalie: Yep.
Dan: From Jeremy?
Natalie: From Jeremy. See? [She pulls the pin out of her pocket, checks outside for Jeremy, and shows it to Dan. Dan studies it.]
Dan: Do you know what it says?
Natalie: [witheringly] Of course I know what it says. It says, [squints at the pin] [haltingly] "Oh tee kaphon hiphon aeiiii." [this last "word" said like someone falling off a cliff.] [Dan snorts laughter.]
Dan: I don't think that's what it says.
Natalie: [a little offended] Well, can you read Ancient Greek, Mr. I'm-Gonna-Be-On-Letterman Rydell?
Dan: Maybe I can.
Natalie: No, you can't. Maybe Casey can, he speaks all sorts of languages-
Dan: [a trifle coolly] He doesn't speak Ancient Greek. [pauses] No one speaks Ancient Greek. Anyway, no, Jeremy told me what it says. It says- [Natalie clamps a hand over his mouth]
Natalie: Don't tell me. I want to figure it out for myself. [She flashes a smile at him and exits as Dana enters.]
Dana: Dan-
Dan: [a preemptive strike] Dana, whatever you do, don't say, "When you're nervous, you do this." [Does the routine.]
Dana: [confused] But that is what you do. [Dan sighs. During this next rant, Dan at intervals looks like he's about to say something, but doesn't get the chance.] Anyway, I just came in here to tell you that I am going to advise you [amending] or at least strongly suggest to you that you go ahead and go on the show. I know it'll be a lot of pressure, but you're good under pressure, Danny, you're really good. And you're a charming guy, really charming, and I think that's what drew Letterman to you in the first place. [Realizes she may have made an error, plows on.] I mean, a lot of things drew you to him, but your charm was definitely up there, let me tell you. I'm not Letterman, so I can't say, but I think it's a very distinct possibility. So don't be nervous, because, well, you know what you do when you get nervous.
Dan: [wearily] Yes, I know. Let me ask you a question.
Dana: Go for it. [She sits on the edge of Dan's desk.]
Dan: Do I live in Casey's shadow?
Dana: Absolutely not.
Dan: Do you even know what I mean?
Dana: No.
Dan: Everyone's worried that I'll choke without Casey. Do they think I'm his sidekick?
Dana: [encouragingly] No, Danny, no one thinks you're his sidekick. Casey would be lost without you. You're not his sidekick, you're his partner. And he's your partner.
Dan: People think that?
Dana: Believe me, Casey would be a lot less tolerable if you weren't around.
Dan: [laughing] He would?
Dana: [smiling] He's so cocky. [Casey enters]
Dan: Speak of the devil...
Casey: I prefer not to. He might be listening.
Dana: And we wouldn't want that, now would we?
Casey: Well, I certainly don't.
[Cut to editing room. Natalie is standing alone, still squinting at the pin as if hoping for divine inspiration. A baseball game plays in the background. Dave and Elliot enter and pick up two tapes apiece, which are sitting on a table near the door. As they enter, Natalie stuffs the pin into her pocket.]
Dave: Is this what Dana-
Natalie: Dave?
Dave: Yes, ma'am.
Natalie: Do you read Ancient Greek?
Dave: No, ma'am.
Natalie: Elliot?
Elliot: I took Latin in high school. No Greek, sorry. [Natalie looks disappointed. Dave and Elliot leave, Kim enters.]
Kim: Natalie, Jeremy's asking-
Natalie: [hopeful] Kim, do you read Ancient Greek?
Kim: I knew a guy who did, but that was four years ago.
Natalie: Do you know where I could find a Greek dictionary?
Kim: No.
Natalie: Darn it. [smiles falsely] I'll be out in a minute. [Kim shrugs and leaves. Natalie pulls out the pin again when Dan enters, carrying a legal pad.] What is this, Grand Central Station?
Dan: No, it's the editing room.
Natalie: What does the pin say?
Dan: I thought you wanted to figure it out.
Natalie: I did, but then I remembered something.
Dan: What did you remember?
Natalie: I don't read Ancient Greek.
Dan: Funny how that can slip your mind.
Natalie: Yeah. So what does it say?
Dan: It says, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Literally it's something else, but it's close enough.
Natalie: A-ha! I knew it!
Dan: You did?
Natalie: Not really. Thanks, Danny. [She leaves and encounters Jeremy just outside.] Look what I found! [gives him the pin]
Jeremy: [happily] Where did you find this?
Natalie: In there. [gestures toward the editing room]
Jeremy: That's odd, I didn't go in the editing room yesterday.
Natalie: [grins nervously] It says "A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
Jeremy: Yes.
Natalie: Well, really it says something else, but it's close enough.
Jeremy: It really says "Whatever is beautiful is ever dear."
Natalie: How sweet.
Jeremy: Really, where did you find it?
Natalie: I told you. In there. [Gestures toward the editing room again.]
Jeremy: I can't understand how it got in there.
Natalie: Magic.
Jeremy: Natalie-
Natalie: Okay, I borrowed it, I just wanted to look at it.
Jeremy: [gently] You could have asked me.
Natalie: Are you mad?
Jeremy: No, I'm not mad. Who told you what it says?
Natalie: No one told me.
Jeremy: Someone told you. You don't know Ancient Greek.
Natalie: [bristling] What makes you say that?
Jeremy: Well, it doesn't-
Natalie: Just because I don't have a photographic memory and I don't know every single battle of the Civil War doesn't mean I don't know Ancient Greek.
Jeremy: I'm sorry.
Natalie: [pause] I don't know Ancient Greek.
Jeremy: I know. Is something wrong?
Natalie: I'm tired of you being the smart one and the cute one.
Jeremy: [smiling a little] You're definitely the cute one, Natalie.
Natalie: [doubtfully] I am?
Jeremy: [calling to Kim and Elliot, who are passing by] Who's the cute one?
Kim: Charlie Sheen.
Elliot: [to Kim] I always thought that, too. Estevez is too-
Jeremy: I meant out of Natalie and me.
Kim: Natalie.
Elliot: Natalie.
Jeremy: [triumphant] I told you. And I think you're very smart. You do things on this show I could never do.
Natalie: [grinning] I do?
Jeremy: You do. Every day. People just think I'm smart because I know a lot of useless trivia, like the fact that Elvis Costello's real name is-
Natalie: Declan Patrick McManus.
Jeremy: See? You're a genius. [Natalie grins again. She pecks Jeremy on the cheek and goes back into the editing room. Dan is scribbling notes about the game on the legal pad but looks distracted.]
Natalie: I'm the cute one.
Dan: Of course you're the cute one.
Natalie: And Jeremy says I'm a genius.
Dan: That was nice of him.
Natalie: You're nervous, aren't you?
Dan: [stops writing, then starts again] Maybe.
Natalie: What for? You'll knock the house down.
Dan: David Letterman is very intimidating. He's always funny. I'm only funny with a script that I have time to prepare. What if he's funny and I choke?
Natalie: You're a funny guy. And you're charming, you've got that.
Dan: I'll end up doing this. [Routine.]
Natalie: No, you won't. When is it happening?
Dan: Two days.
Natalie: Isn't that short notice?
Dan: [beat] James Woods cancelled.
Natalie: Get out.
Dan: I'm serious. James Woods cancelled, so they needed someone, so they called me.
Natalie: James Woods? He's amazing! [hastily] Not as amazing as you, though, Danny.
Dan: [smiling] You know what'll be weird? Letterman tapes at 5:00. We go on the air at 11:00, live. So I'll be in two places at once.
Natalie: You'll be ubiquitous.
Dan: [beat] Is that from the Word-of-the-Day calendar that Jeremy gave you?
Natalie: May 3rd. [She smiles.] You'll be great.
[Two days later.]
[Dan and Casey are sitting in the conference room. Dan is reading a book, Casey is writing something on a legal pad.]
Casey: It should be done soon.
Dan: I'm not watching. [Elliot runs in.]
Elliot: [carrying a videotape] Your part's done, Dan, we're watching it now. [Dan jumps up to leave the room, but Casey grabs his arm and anchors him to the spot. People stream into the room, including Dana, Natalie, Jeremy, Isaac, Elliot, Kim, Dave, et.al. Natalie, Casey, Jeremy and Dana surround Dan so he can't move.]
Dan: This is embarrassing. [Elliot puts the tape in the VCR and turns the volume up.]
[Onscreen: Letterman is sitting at his desk.]
Dave L: My first guest tonight is co-anchor of TV's Sports Night. Please welcome Dan Rydell!
[Onscreen: Background audience cheers as the CBS Orchestra plays a jazzy version of the Rydell High School Song from "Grease!". Dan comes out smiling.]
[People in conference room cheer and catcall. Casey claps Dan on the shoulder, Natalie grins.]
Natalie: That's you!
Dan: No kidding.
Isaac: Hush up, both a ya.
[Onscreen: Dan and Dave sit down.]
Dave L: Hi!
Dan: Hello.
Dave L: How the hell are ya? You run a great show down there at... CSC, is it?
Dan: CSC, yes. And thank you. I don't run it, though, I just do what they tell me. [Audience laughs.]
Dave L: [chuckling as well] You do write the stuff.
Dan: I write what I say.
Dave L: Funny stuff. Do you... what, do you sit all day and think of funny things you can say about sports? Funny little clever sports things?
Dan: [laughing a little] Well, I think about them half the day and talk about them half the day.
Dave L: Sounds like my job.
Dan: In a sense, yeah.
Dave L: Only here, we don't talk about sports, we talk about... we talk about Antonio Banderas.
Dan: Does he play sports?
[Conference room: Casey smiles at Dan, Natalie turns to him.]
Natalie: You look great up there.
Casey: Good job, Danny.
[Dan smiles widely as we hear the audience laughing in the background.]
[Fade out.]