Dem Wards

"Wooah!"

A magical clink on Summoner's Rift. Like slapping a baby upon birth, it signaled the beginning of a new life.

"Where am I?"

Like many of the other beings on Summoner's Rift, this new life had a purpose. And to be born meant that there was a need for said purpose to be fulfilled.

"Mom? Or Dad...? Hello?"

A glow that stretched out and cast aside the perpetual darkness of the battlefield. Like a beacon in stormy seas, this life was a marker, a static guardian, a watcher that watches those who are watching. But currently, there was no one to watch. There was nothing but tall blades of grass and empty paths.

Trinket Ward began crying.

"Moooom! Daaadd! I'm scared!"

The Trinket Ward continued to cry out for its parent/s. But there was no answer. Just a deep silence, occasionally punctured by a growl or a creaking rumble. Trinket Ward shivered and tried to move; but unfortunately, Trinket Ward had no legs.

"MOOM! DAAADD! WHERE ARE YOU!?"

A rustle. Something was moving around the bush. Trinket Ward leaned back as far as he could, completely terrified.

"W...W-Who's there? ...Hello?"

Again, no answer. But the rustling continued.

"Y-You better stay back! I-I'm warning you!"

The blades of grass trembled and bent, one by one. He could hear the soft padding of feet and a rhythmic series of breaths. Trinket Ward tried to tug himself out of the bush, but to no avail. God, if only he had been born with legs! If only his parents were around! What kind of parents left their child in a bush alone with no legs!?

"I-I'M WARNING YOU! D-DON'T COME IN HERE! I SWEAR YOU'LL REGRET IT!"

The rustling sound grew stronger. The feet were closer. The grass right in front of Trinket Ward was parting. Trinket couldn't move. He was seized with a fear that was spreading like ice through his body. His throat locked up and his feeble attempts to scare the intruder off became faint rasps.

"G-Go away...go away...I'm just a ward," said Trinket, sobbing. The grass bent to the sides, revealing a dark crevice. A hand crept out from the darkness, stretching out towards Trinket Ward.

"No...NO! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! I'M WARNING YOU, I'LL TELL THE CHAMPIONS ABOUT YOU IF YOU GET ANY CLOSER-"

The hand stopped. It floated there in the air, as if it had become disconnected from its owner. Trinket Ward gulped, unable to turn away from the fingers that were just inches away from him.

The hand turned until it was palm down, then dropped something at Trinket's feet. It retreated back into the darkness and the grass fell back into place.

Another magical clink sounded. Like a flower, the Warding Totem bloomed and a yellow crystal floated above its stalk.

"Yawwwn. Who are you?"

If Trinket Ward had a mouth, it would've flapped up and down like a fish. There was another Trinket looking back at him!

"Hm? You look kind of familiar."

"U-Uh...hi. I-I'm Trinket Ward."

"Oh cool. That's my name too!"

"FUCK YOU LEONA, GET OUT OF MY TRI-BUSH!"

"LULULULULUZZZZ WHAT PINK WARD?"

And so, today's battle began.

"So yeah. Have you heard about DDOSing?"

"What's that?"

It had been 15 seconds since Trinket Ward had been placed down. His bushmate, Trinket Ward, was fast becoming a good friend. Although, since it was confusing having the same name, they used nicknames now instead of calling each other by their real names.

"Rito, please. You have to know your history man."

"Sorry Tons of Damage..." said Rito, wilting a little. Even though he was older than Tons of Damage, it always seemed like things were the other way around. But then again, he didn't resent Tons of Damage for it. After all, Tons of Damage was his best friend. And only friend.

"So, DDOSing is where you start lagging in League of Legends."

"Wait, I thought that was called...lagging."

"Not anymore. DDOS means lagging now. You know how people play League of Legends outside in the real world?"

"Yeah..." Even for a newly born Trinket Ward, this was common knowledge. The legendary journey of Caster and Melee had changed everything on Summoner's Rift. Minion benefits were now in bacon. Pots had been replaced with bacon. And Champion Spotlights were now directed by E*icMealTime.

"Well you see, its not really the Internet or the ISP that's making players lag. It's DDOS. When players are losing, they DDOS other players to make them lag."

"Wait, I thought you said DDOS means lagging."

"Yep."

"So...they DDOS to make players DDOS?"

"Now you're getting it. Knew you had it in you, Rito."

"I'm so confused."

"Well, it's pretty complex stuff. Players are really on a different level from champions and minions. Did you know that there's something called ragequitting?"

"What's that?"

"It's where you get pissed off at your teammates and leave the game. Then they lose and you lose."

"...Why would you do that?"

"That's the thing! It doesn't make any sense, right? But they do it all the time. There has to be some reason for it. But since we're just wards, we probably can't understand it."

"Wow. That's amazing."

"I heard Melee was negotiating with Riot on having pro minion players. Maybe someday, there'll be pro ward players."

"Oh my gosh, that would be so cool."

"You know it, Rito! I can't wait. I want to try rage quitting so bad!"

"Maybe we can try it. How's it work?"

"I'm not sure. All I know is that when a player rage quits, he says some stuff and then goes quiet. Then everyone else starts yelling "Report!" for some reason."

"Maybe you need to write a report. Rage quitting sounds like a really advanced technique. Maybe it requires some special paperwork or something."

"Rito, you are a genius. Ok, let's try writing a report."

"But we don't have any paper."

"Screw paper. We'll just...write it on the dirt!"

"Ok! Wait...what do we write on the report?"

"Let me think..."

Tons of Damage stood there glowing for a second.

"Alright, I remember. Write down what I say. This is probably what we need in the report."

"Ok."

"Ehem. 'This team is so bad. Why did I get stuck with shitty bronze elo?'"

"Why...did I get...stuck with shitty bronze..." mumbled Rito as he wrote the words down.

"'I am not bronze, lol noob. This is just my smurf. I'm diamond on my main.'"

"Diamond...on my main..."

"'You guys suck so much. Can't even get 200 CS at ten minutes, LOL. So bad.'"

"200 CS...ten minutes..."

"'I am so high right now. Rofl, you noobs can keep throwing the game.'"

"Wait...what's he mean by 'high?'"

"I think he means like high elo."

"Oh. Makes sense."

"Alright, I think that's it. Got it all down?"

"Yep. You know, this is my first time writing a report. Does it look good?"

"Let's se-"

Suddenly, a purple blur came flying from the sky and smashed down on Rito's report.

"My report!"

"What the fuck!? Hey, asshole! What do you think you're doing!?" yelled Tons of Damage.

Kha'Zix stood still in the bush, ignoring them. His wings fluttered every now and then, blowing dust over the ruined report.

"Hey! HEY ASSHOLE! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

"Tons of Damage, shh! It's a champion," said Rito, quivering.

"So what!? He ruined your report!" said Tons of Damage savagely. "He's not even apologizing!"

"I don't think he can hear us."

"SO!?"

Rito fell quiet. After all, there was no comeback to that.

"HEY BLUE TEAM! THERE'S A PURPLE FAG IN YOUR TRI-BUSH RIGHT NOW! OVER HERE! HE'S STANDING RIGHT HERE!"

"Tons of Damage! You'll piss him off!"

"Hey, this asshole's not the only that can ragequit! WHY DID I GET STUCK WITH SHITTY BRONZE ELO!?"

Kha'Zix began dancing in the bush.

"..."

"..."

"What the fuck is he doing?"

"I...I don't know."

"Oh I get it. He's taunting us."

"No, wait. I think he's...drunk."

"You're right...he is drunk! Wow, holy shit. What a fucking prick. He just barges into our bush, totally drunk."

Kha'Zix flicked his claws out and let out a strangled roar.

"This guy...is so smashed."

"Do you think he needs help? Maybe he doesn't even know where he is."

"Alright, I got this. I know exactly how to handle drunk players. I learned this from the chat logs."

Tons of Damage cleared his throat.

"'/ff.'"

"What?"

"'Press accept.'"

"What are you talking about?"

"Huh. Weird. Why didn't it work?"

Kha'Zix stopped dancing and began to recall back to base.

"Sheesh, causing a draft. Rude much?"

"Wow. This guy is a jerk."

"Hold on...he's typing something. 'Lol. They didn't even notice me.'"

"How'd you read that?"

"It was on the all chat."

"The all chat?"

"Yep."

The glowing rings began to close in on Kha'Zix. The recall spell was almost complete.

Then, the entire Blue team jumped in and killed him.

"Wait, he's writing something else. 'Wtf.'"

"..."

"Oh right, Rito. Happy 30-second birthday!"

A/N: Mini spinoff that got written a while ago for Those Minions.