Hey everyone! In celebration of the fifth book's soon-to-be-released-state, I'm re-releasing my parody of Interview with the Vampire. Um, warnings—it contains slash (Draco/Harry, Ron/Harry), cursing, vampires, and, above all else, copious amounts of insanity. So, enjoy, and please review!
Interview with Harry
[EXT. London. Night. Parliament and Big Ben are visible in the glow cast by the streetlamps. Slow pan up to a hotel.]
[CUT TO: INT. The hotel. The streetlights provide the only illumination, but it is enough to see:]
[HARRY, a tall, slender man, is standing by the window, arms crossed over his chest. NEVILLE, who is somewhat shorter and chubbier, is sitting at the table behind HARRY, fiddling with his Quick-Quotes Quill.]
HARRY
You wanted to interview me?
NEVILLE
Yeah. I work for the Daily Prophet. [he taps the QQQ on the notebook in front of him] Testing, testing.
[CUT DOWN TO: The QQQ flying across the paper. It reads:
"Neville Longbottom, 22, lady-killer and reporter extraordinaire . . ."]
NEVILLE
I told Rita to take it off the highest setting . . .
[HE crumples up the paper and tosses it over his shoulder. A very faint 'ow' is heard. HE fiddles with the QQQ a little more, then sets it back down on the notebook.]
NEVILLE
Let's try this again. Testing.
[This time it reads:
"Neville: Testing."]
NEVILLE
[setting the QQQ up to write]
Is this where you live?
HARRY
Sometimes.
NEVILLE
Only sometimes? Where do you live the rest of the time?
HARRY
Around.
NEVILLE
[getting a little annoyed]
Okay. So, what do you do?
HARRY
I'm a vampire.
NEVILLE
Hey, do you know Bela Lugosi?
HARRY
Hey, do you know how many times I've been asked that?
NEVILLE
Were you planning to kill me, drink my blood, all that stuff?
HARRY
Still sounds like a good idea to me.
NEVILLE
You're not kidding, are you?
HARRY
We can't begin like this. I'll turn on the light.
NEVILLE
I thought vampires-
[Suddenly, the light comes on, revealing HARRY at the table. He is quite good-looking, with messy black hair, green eyes covered by glasses, a scar on his forehead, and extremely pale skin. NEVILLE gasps.]
NEVILLE
Eurgh!
HARRY
What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen someone go so fast that they appear to have an abnormally long arm?
NEVILLE
Um . . . no . . . [he shakes himself] Anyway.
HARRY
Shall we begin like David Copperfield . . .
NEVILLE
Oh, man! You're married to Claudia Schiffer? Does she have a friend? Can you introduce us?
HARRY
[very pointedly ignoring NEVILLE]
I was born, my parents were killed, I grew up and went to Hogwarts. Or should we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it.
NEVILLE
[miffed]
Whatever.
HARRY
The year was 1492 and a half. I was seventeen, a little older than you . . .
NEVILLE
[voice is heard as we fade into a scene of 1492 and a half London]
I'm twenty-two!
HARRY V.O.
[ignoring NEVILLE]
Times were different then. I was a man at that age.
[Mortal HARRY runs to the center of the scene. HE waves, spins around, and does several cartwheels before staggering off-screen.]
HARRY V.O.
I had lost my wife, child, father, mother, sister, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, grandparents, girlfriend, best friend, schoolfriends, headmaster, Transfiguration teacher, godfather, dog, cat, pet leprechaun, and . . . [NEVILLE snores] HEY!
NEVILLE V.O.
Gah! What?
HARRY V.O.
As I was saying, I had lost them in a battle with Voldemort. I would have been happy to join them.
[CUT TO: Mortal HARRY sitting at a table in a bar with a Woman of Questionable Standards™ (Cho) draped all over him.]
HARRY V.O.
I wanted to lose it all. My estate . . . my money . . . my vir-er-everything.
[HE throws down some cards. The DEALER glares at him.]
DEALER (Colin)
How many aces are in that deck?
[PAN DOWN to reveal five aces on the table.]
HARRY
Are you calling me a cheat?
COLIN
You're cheating, aren't you?
HARRY
Um.
[COLIN pulls out this huge gun that's bigger than he is.]
HARRY
You lack-
[COLIN falls over backwards with the gun sticking in the air.]
COLIN
Ow.
CHO
Let's go.
[SHE helps HARRY up and leads him out of the bar.]
[CUT TO: EXT. London. Night. Near the Thames.]
HARRY V.O.
My invitation was open to anyone. The woman of questionable standards at my side, the Potions master who followed-
[CUT TO: SNAPE, following the two, pulls out a glass vial.]
[CHO slams HARRY up against the wall and leans in very close.]
CHO
Tell me, were you and Cedric ever . . . together?
HARRY
Wha-
[Suddenly, SNAPE runs up to them.]
SNAPE
Give me your money or you die!
HARRY V.O.
But it was a vampire that accepted.
DRACO
[from above]
BANZAI!
[HE leaps down, shoves CHO and SNAPE away from HARRY, then grabs HARRY and lifts him into the sky.]
HARRY
Um . . . Draco? This is only the first book. You can't fly yet.
DRACO
Oops.
[THEY fall, and by some miracle, DRACO lands on the bottom so neither is hurt. DRACO glares at HARRY and bites him.]
DRACO
[pulls away]
Do you still want death or have you had enough?
HARRY
[weakly]
Check, please. [passes out]
[CUT TO: EXT. Day. The banks of the Thames.]
HARRY V.O.
He left me there. I was just able to drag myself back to my house.
~end chapter one~