1 Clean Slate
Rating: PG
Summery: Post ep for She Ain't Heavy. Logan and Max converse over the rubble.
AN: Hey this piece is dedicated to Logan's penthouse. It has come to my attention that I have an unhealthy obsession with that particular set. I loved it guys and the loss of it for me was the most profound and awful part of the whole season. Thus this little fic to turn things around. I don't know I just think that the whole thing was symbolic and rather disturbing in nature. But hey maybe it's my unhealthy obsession with the place. Oh yeah and thanks goes out to Kat for reading this over. Without her it never would have gotten put up cause I'm not a huge fan of it.
~*~*~*~
…It's amazing. How you make your face just like a wall. How you take your heart and turn it off. How I turn my head and lose it all. It's unnerving. How just one move puts me by myself. There you go just trusting someone else. Now I know I put us both through hell. I'm not saying. There wasn't nothing wrong. I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. I'm not saying. We ever had the right to hold on. I just didn't wanna let it get away from me. But if that's how it's gonna leave. Straight out from underneath. Then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know that you've been depending on. The one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. It's aggravating. How you threw me on and you tore me out. How your good intentions turned to doubt. The way you needed time to sort it out. And I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong. I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on. I just couldn't ever let you get away from me. Well if that's how you're gonna leave straight out from underneath. Then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. The one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. I'm not saying. There was nothing wrong. I didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. But if that's how your gonna leave. Straight out from underneath then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know you've been depending on the one your leaving now, now hell well tell me is that how it's gonna end when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. I'm the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out… Leave-Matchbox 20
~*~*~*~
"They didn't leave much did they?" Max asked as she pushed her way through the broken glass and debris.
"Max can we just get out of here. I'm sure White's got someone on the place. We shouldn't have come back here in the first place." It was great to have Max back. He would readily admit to that. But that didn't mean that he wanted to take her on a tour of his now demolished home.
"That's not the problem is it Logan. You've been acting strange since the idea was suggested." She looked over at him from the pile of broken glass that used to be a computer monitor.
They needed equipment. She'd volunteered to go see what was salvageable at his place. He'd told her that she couldn't go alone. She'd agreed and invited him along.
He had no idea why she wanted him to come and not her new toy, the man of her dreams, the bulletproof piece of walking perfection that had so clearly taken his place. Alec was more suited for the fight. More able to help if White and his goons were still waiting. Logan was just another thing she'd have to watch out for.
But he had no intention of turning down an offer to spend time with her.
She didn't offer that often lately. More like not at all.
"I'm fine Max. I just don't think we are going to find anything."
Fine, yeah sure. As if seeing all his hard work in ashes and disrepair on the floor was an everyday occurrence. As if seeing the shattered walls, the ruined furniture, meant nothing.
That bullet riddled piece used to be his couch. The one she'd seized on that first time. The shot up mirror did nothing to him, he didn't remember tricking her into letting him see her barcode in front of it.
He could attach her face to almost every broken piece.
His equipment far beyond repair did nothing compared to the shattered memories that lay with it.
Stooping he picked up a lone chess piece, a pawn, black. The color she always insisted on. Black, like her mood.
He chucked it at the window.
Maybe he could shatter that too.
Maybe if he tried hard enough…
Screw her and the memories. Screw this place that held so many of them.
Maybe it was better this way. How long did he really expect to have this safe haven? He always knew this was a possibility. Always knew that one day it would all fall down.
He was still having a hard time believing she was here. Now when he could offer her nothing, literally. He couldn't provide her with passports, save her friends with a new identity.
He was nothing.
"Yeah you sure look fine. Look if you don't want to—" he cut her off.
"This. This place. It wasn't just a place… I… Why Alec?"
"Where did that come from?" She asked turning to face him, as he looked away, ashamed. As if he had no right to ask those questions.
But he had every right to ask.
"You're right. We should get out of here. There isn't anything left." He wondered if her statement was in reference to the ruins around them or the ruins within them.
He didn't want to fight with her, just hear the truth. He was sick of fighting with her. That seemed to be all they did now.
But he couldn't have her dismiss him with almost no feeling either.
When she yelled at him, there was a passion in her voice that he could easily mistake as sadness, as need. As something besides annoyance. Sometimes her harsh words were worth it just to hear that passion.
Sometimes he could trick himself into thinking that she hated herself for getting so worked up. That maybe she slipped up in letting him know that she was more human then she let on.
That maybe this was killing her too.
"Max. I told myself I wouldn't do this. But I have to know. What was wrong with us? With me? I love you and I thought you loved me. When did that change?"
This time she turned away. Hurting, they were always hurting.
She looked to the door and back to the floor at her feet. To the door and back.
He knew she was planning her escape route. She always did. He turned away in frustration and kicked the bullet-ridden whiteboard. Hard, hard enough to send it flying and hurt his toes.
His toes that he could now feel.
He still hadn't told her about that. He wondered if he ever would. There didn't seem to be any point to it now.
Anti-climactic almost.
"Logan… I…"
"No. Forget it I don't want to know." She would just give him more excuses. And he didn't need anymore of those. He had plenty of his own to fill in her blanks with. Plenty of his own to fall back on. And when those ran out he had the ones he knew she'd use.
I had to.
It was too dangerous.
It was all the same. Every time. Nothing she could say would make any difference. And he knew he was just asking for more pain.
"But." She tried to object but he interrupted her again.
"You know I used to have memories. I'd find myself sitting in that chair and remembering you smiling back at me. You standing at the window, hovering over my desk. I should thank White. Getting over you will be so much easier now that your ghost won't be able to haunt me."
"Logan." Her voice was stern. He ignored her.
"This place. It's us. I guess everything has to end sometime." His words were bitter.
"Alec and I aren't together." It slipped out. She hadn't meant to say it and as he spun around to face her he saw it written all over her face.
She'd lied to him, planned on continuing with her lie. The funny thing was that Alec probably had no idea she was using him, which made all the innocent comments that had served to infuriate Logan, the ones that had only fueled his anger against the transgenic, seem ironically funny.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to… I shouldn't have… I should just go…" the words were tumbling out of her mouth. But she wasn't moving. Which was new.
He was however, quickly closing the distance between them.
He pressed a gloved finger to her lips. He'd taken to wearing gloves. Even though he knew that the opportunity to touch her would probably never come.
Surreal, the whole moment seemed surreal.
Here they were standing in the ruins of his old life, of them, and here she was letting him touch her face.
"Why?" he asked, voice filled with pain.
She had not realized how deeply she'd cut him. She'd always thought that he would carry on. That he'd get over her, move on, maybe make Asha's dreams come true.
His eyes told her otherwise.
"I… It… I don't know." She finally settled and he raised an eyebrow. Not believing her.
She spun away in a fury.
"Damn it Logan. It was the only way. You and I both know you'd never let me go. Alec… Well when you told me that you suspected… It was easier. And it worked didn't it?" Her intent: pain. And she got what she wanted when he turned away and nodded glumly. When he walked over to the window and stared down.
She used to stand where he stood. She used to use his window as an escape. Staring out into nothing trying to forget everything. It worked he realized.
Almost too well.
"Logan. I'm sorry ok. I don't know what you want from me. When you're dead… How am I supposed to look in the mirror? Because you and I both know that this will kill you." She tried again, shifting from foot to foot, impatient with his mood.
He knew how dangerous it was. How could he not care? If he loved her so much wouldn't he at least think about what would happen if she lost him? Or didn't he care that it would kill her too.
Why did he always have to be like this?
Why couldn't he ever hear what she was saying?
Why couldn't he ever understand?
She didn't know how to do this. She hadn't known how to do this when her touch didn't kill. She was clueless in this situation. But that didn't mean it didn't kill her to look at him. It didn't mean that she didn't want to get lost in his arms.
She just didn't know anymore. Every thing just seemed so impossible.
"No Max." He spun around to face her again, eyes locking. A room between them, a continent between them. "It won't kill me."
"We'll get careless." She defied him. He had to understand. This last time he had to finally get how scared she was.
He shook his head no. Eyes still locked.
I can't lose you. Anything else in the world I could go with out, but never you.
She wished he could hear her thoughts. But was glad he couldn't.
"We will. I'll accidentally touch you. You'll get infected. You'll die." His eyes refuted her answer.
They stared at each other in silence. Each weighing their options. Each trying to calculate the other's next move.
She wished they could start over. He wished they could start over.
She wished that life could be simple for once, that her decision could truly be hers and not Manticore's, not Alec's, not Logan's. But it never could be.
Once upon a time she'd told Zack that it was all worth it. For a long time she'd believed it. But her faith was fading. Running wasn't the answer, she knew that.
But running was so much easier. And it hurt less then this mess.
He didn't understand why she always had to be so distant. She didn't need to hurt like she was. He didn't understand why she insisted on it.
"You miss me." He finally broke through almost silently.
"I don't want to." She acknowledged.
"But you do. This is stupid Max. I don't need you to tell me you love me. I don't need you to commit your life to me. I'm not asking you to. Just don't lie about this." She turned from him. As if keeping her back to him could keep the understanding from her. As if her posture prevented her from grasping what he was saying. "And I know you know what I'm saying." She turned back. She did, she couldn't deny that. "I'm not asking for forever. Can we at least be friends?" He plead with her.
Friends, she could really use a few of those.
"Are you sure you want a transgenic messing up your life?"
"Max. I'd give anything to have you mess up my life. Besides, there isn't much left to mess up anyway." He gestured to the mess around them.
"No there isn't is there. Logan I'm sorry."
This was her fault too. This mess.
He didn't tell her she had nothing to do with this mess. He didn't tell her that this was all Eyes Only and with no transgenic additive.
"Don't be. It gives us a chance to start over. Let's just take it." He smiled and closed the distance between them offering his gloved hand.
"The universe runs right on schedule doesn't it?" she smiled placing her gloved hand in his and letting him squeeze it before he released it and they turned to go.
"That it does."
Fate had offered them a clean slate. A new beginning. She wondered what they'd make of it.
He knew that if nothing else, he had his cat burglar back. And that would be enough.
For now.
Rating: PG
Summery: Post ep for She Ain't Heavy. Logan and Max converse over the rubble.
AN: Hey this piece is dedicated to Logan's penthouse. It has come to my attention that I have an unhealthy obsession with that particular set. I loved it guys and the loss of it for me was the most profound and awful part of the whole season. Thus this little fic to turn things around. I don't know I just think that the whole thing was symbolic and rather disturbing in nature. But hey maybe it's my unhealthy obsession with the place. Oh yeah and thanks goes out to Kat for reading this over. Without her it never would have gotten put up cause I'm not a huge fan of it.
~*~*~*~
…It's amazing. How you make your face just like a wall. How you take your heart and turn it off. How I turn my head and lose it all. It's unnerving. How just one move puts me by myself. There you go just trusting someone else. Now I know I put us both through hell. I'm not saying. There wasn't nothing wrong. I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. I'm not saying. We ever had the right to hold on. I just didn't wanna let it get away from me. But if that's how it's gonna leave. Straight out from underneath. Then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know that you've been depending on. The one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. It's aggravating. How you threw me on and you tore me out. How your good intentions turned to doubt. The way you needed time to sort it out. And I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong. I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on. I just couldn't ever let you get away from me. Well if that's how you're gonna leave straight out from underneath. Then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. The one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. I'm not saying. There was nothing wrong. I didn't think you'd ever get tired of me. But if that's how your gonna leave. Straight out from underneath then we'll see who's sorry now. If that's how it's gonna stand, when you know you've been depending on the one your leaving now, now hell well tell me is that how it's gonna end when you know you've been depending on the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out. I'm the one you're leaving now. The one you're leaving out… Leave-Matchbox 20
~*~*~*~
"They didn't leave much did they?" Max asked as she pushed her way through the broken glass and debris.
"Max can we just get out of here. I'm sure White's got someone on the place. We shouldn't have come back here in the first place." It was great to have Max back. He would readily admit to that. But that didn't mean that he wanted to take her on a tour of his now demolished home.
"That's not the problem is it Logan. You've been acting strange since the idea was suggested." She looked over at him from the pile of broken glass that used to be a computer monitor.
They needed equipment. She'd volunteered to go see what was salvageable at his place. He'd told her that she couldn't go alone. She'd agreed and invited him along.
He had no idea why she wanted him to come and not her new toy, the man of her dreams, the bulletproof piece of walking perfection that had so clearly taken his place. Alec was more suited for the fight. More able to help if White and his goons were still waiting. Logan was just another thing she'd have to watch out for.
But he had no intention of turning down an offer to spend time with her.
She didn't offer that often lately. More like not at all.
"I'm fine Max. I just don't think we are going to find anything."
Fine, yeah sure. As if seeing all his hard work in ashes and disrepair on the floor was an everyday occurrence. As if seeing the shattered walls, the ruined furniture, meant nothing.
That bullet riddled piece used to be his couch. The one she'd seized on that first time. The shot up mirror did nothing to him, he didn't remember tricking her into letting him see her barcode in front of it.
He could attach her face to almost every broken piece.
His equipment far beyond repair did nothing compared to the shattered memories that lay with it.
Stooping he picked up a lone chess piece, a pawn, black. The color she always insisted on. Black, like her mood.
He chucked it at the window.
Maybe he could shatter that too.
Maybe if he tried hard enough…
Screw her and the memories. Screw this place that held so many of them.
Maybe it was better this way. How long did he really expect to have this safe haven? He always knew this was a possibility. Always knew that one day it would all fall down.
He was still having a hard time believing she was here. Now when he could offer her nothing, literally. He couldn't provide her with passports, save her friends with a new identity.
He was nothing.
"Yeah you sure look fine. Look if you don't want to—" he cut her off.
"This. This place. It wasn't just a place… I… Why Alec?"
"Where did that come from?" She asked turning to face him, as he looked away, ashamed. As if he had no right to ask those questions.
But he had every right to ask.
"You're right. We should get out of here. There isn't anything left." He wondered if her statement was in reference to the ruins around them or the ruins within them.
He didn't want to fight with her, just hear the truth. He was sick of fighting with her. That seemed to be all they did now.
But he couldn't have her dismiss him with almost no feeling either.
When she yelled at him, there was a passion in her voice that he could easily mistake as sadness, as need. As something besides annoyance. Sometimes her harsh words were worth it just to hear that passion.
Sometimes he could trick himself into thinking that she hated herself for getting so worked up. That maybe she slipped up in letting him know that she was more human then she let on.
That maybe this was killing her too.
"Max. I told myself I wouldn't do this. But I have to know. What was wrong with us? With me? I love you and I thought you loved me. When did that change?"
This time she turned away. Hurting, they were always hurting.
She looked to the door and back to the floor at her feet. To the door and back.
He knew she was planning her escape route. She always did. He turned away in frustration and kicked the bullet-ridden whiteboard. Hard, hard enough to send it flying and hurt his toes.
His toes that he could now feel.
He still hadn't told her about that. He wondered if he ever would. There didn't seem to be any point to it now.
Anti-climactic almost.
"Logan… I…"
"No. Forget it I don't want to know." She would just give him more excuses. And he didn't need anymore of those. He had plenty of his own to fill in her blanks with. Plenty of his own to fall back on. And when those ran out he had the ones he knew she'd use.
I had to.
It was too dangerous.
It was all the same. Every time. Nothing she could say would make any difference. And he knew he was just asking for more pain.
"But." She tried to object but he interrupted her again.
"You know I used to have memories. I'd find myself sitting in that chair and remembering you smiling back at me. You standing at the window, hovering over my desk. I should thank White. Getting over you will be so much easier now that your ghost won't be able to haunt me."
"Logan." Her voice was stern. He ignored her.
"This place. It's us. I guess everything has to end sometime." His words were bitter.
"Alec and I aren't together." It slipped out. She hadn't meant to say it and as he spun around to face her he saw it written all over her face.
She'd lied to him, planned on continuing with her lie. The funny thing was that Alec probably had no idea she was using him, which made all the innocent comments that had served to infuriate Logan, the ones that had only fueled his anger against the transgenic, seem ironically funny.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to… I shouldn't have… I should just go…" the words were tumbling out of her mouth. But she wasn't moving. Which was new.
He was however, quickly closing the distance between them.
He pressed a gloved finger to her lips. He'd taken to wearing gloves. Even though he knew that the opportunity to touch her would probably never come.
Surreal, the whole moment seemed surreal.
Here they were standing in the ruins of his old life, of them, and here she was letting him touch her face.
"Why?" he asked, voice filled with pain.
She had not realized how deeply she'd cut him. She'd always thought that he would carry on. That he'd get over her, move on, maybe make Asha's dreams come true.
His eyes told her otherwise.
"I… It… I don't know." She finally settled and he raised an eyebrow. Not believing her.
She spun away in a fury.
"Damn it Logan. It was the only way. You and I both know you'd never let me go. Alec… Well when you told me that you suspected… It was easier. And it worked didn't it?" Her intent: pain. And she got what she wanted when he turned away and nodded glumly. When he walked over to the window and stared down.
She used to stand where he stood. She used to use his window as an escape. Staring out into nothing trying to forget everything. It worked he realized.
Almost too well.
"Logan. I'm sorry ok. I don't know what you want from me. When you're dead… How am I supposed to look in the mirror? Because you and I both know that this will kill you." She tried again, shifting from foot to foot, impatient with his mood.
He knew how dangerous it was. How could he not care? If he loved her so much wouldn't he at least think about what would happen if she lost him? Or didn't he care that it would kill her too.
Why did he always have to be like this?
Why couldn't he ever hear what she was saying?
Why couldn't he ever understand?
She didn't know how to do this. She hadn't known how to do this when her touch didn't kill. She was clueless in this situation. But that didn't mean it didn't kill her to look at him. It didn't mean that she didn't want to get lost in his arms.
She just didn't know anymore. Every thing just seemed so impossible.
"No Max." He spun around to face her again, eyes locking. A room between them, a continent between them. "It won't kill me."
"We'll get careless." She defied him. He had to understand. This last time he had to finally get how scared she was.
He shook his head no. Eyes still locked.
I can't lose you. Anything else in the world I could go with out, but never you.
She wished he could hear her thoughts. But was glad he couldn't.
"We will. I'll accidentally touch you. You'll get infected. You'll die." His eyes refuted her answer.
They stared at each other in silence. Each weighing their options. Each trying to calculate the other's next move.
She wished they could start over. He wished they could start over.
She wished that life could be simple for once, that her decision could truly be hers and not Manticore's, not Alec's, not Logan's. But it never could be.
Once upon a time she'd told Zack that it was all worth it. For a long time she'd believed it. But her faith was fading. Running wasn't the answer, she knew that.
But running was so much easier. And it hurt less then this mess.
He didn't understand why she always had to be so distant. She didn't need to hurt like she was. He didn't understand why she insisted on it.
"You miss me." He finally broke through almost silently.
"I don't want to." She acknowledged.
"But you do. This is stupid Max. I don't need you to tell me you love me. I don't need you to commit your life to me. I'm not asking you to. Just don't lie about this." She turned from him. As if keeping her back to him could keep the understanding from her. As if her posture prevented her from grasping what he was saying. "And I know you know what I'm saying." She turned back. She did, she couldn't deny that. "I'm not asking for forever. Can we at least be friends?" He plead with her.
Friends, she could really use a few of those.
"Are you sure you want a transgenic messing up your life?"
"Max. I'd give anything to have you mess up my life. Besides, there isn't much left to mess up anyway." He gestured to the mess around them.
"No there isn't is there. Logan I'm sorry."
This was her fault too. This mess.
He didn't tell her she had nothing to do with this mess. He didn't tell her that this was all Eyes Only and with no transgenic additive.
"Don't be. It gives us a chance to start over. Let's just take it." He smiled and closed the distance between them offering his gloved hand.
"The universe runs right on schedule doesn't it?" she smiled placing her gloved hand in his and letting him squeeze it before he released it and they turned to go.
"That it does."
Fate had offered them a clean slate. A new beginning. She wondered what they'd make of it.
He knew that if nothing else, he had his cat burglar back. And that would be enough.
For now.