NOTE :

Italic-Kaneki Ken

Calibri-Hideyoshi Nagachika

Way before I turned into a hideous monster they call 'ghoul' I have always desired you above anything, your company, your warmth and the comfort of being with you. In the back of my mind I have always knew but denied it. But now that I become a ghoul, I became more honest with myself..

Because now, I know for sure that in this world, you're the one I desired the most.. And yet I cannot be with you.. Because now, your company and your warmth is no longer enough for me..

I want you…

I want you..

I want you..

And I always found myself writhing in agony from the pain of wanting you. I want to make you mine I want to possessed you. I want all of you. I want to devour you. And when I realized these impure thoughts going on my mind I chided myself for being a disgusting being. I no longer had the right to show myself before you.

I finally understand the depth of what Uta-san's tattoo meant.

"I can neither live with you, nor without you.."

I thought that I finally accepted the ghoul part of me, but whenever I think of you and the time we spend together it made me look back with longing for my former life where we normally spend our day together and how you always bear with my silence yet understand the words I had left unspoken..

I always watch over you. Not just once or twice, but all the time. Ever since my disappearance and I severed all my contact with all the humans I knew, I decided to live as a ghoul. But countless times I found myself going back to the place we use to hang out with.

It's my desire as a ghoul to eat you all up and as a human to be with you. Because a feeling that is more akin to my desire and hunger is the affection and love that without a doubt I felt for you. As a human and a ghoul, I always knew that these conflicting emotions are bound to destroy me one day.

Countless times I see you and I desperately wanted to talk to you but decided against it. And yet, despite not having any courage to show my hideous self to you, I always follow you in the shadows. That's why I knew how hard you've been working. Turning the world upside down and being a part time worker in Ghoul Investigators office just to find me.

Sometimes I even watch you while you slept and once again, I hated myself for being a hideous being and desiring you this much. I want you to forgive me.. Because I want all of you, your mind, your heart, your body, everything that makes you whole. I want everything.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kaneki, I am your best friend and I understand you above anybody else. That's why, I know why you disappeared from my sight. You always like to carry all the unnecessary burden and always ended up hurting yourself in the process. It pains me that it never occurred to you that I wanted to share all of your burdens and pains too.

You might have turned into something different entirely, your appearance, your demeanor and your state of mind and specie might have change but no matter what happens I will always be with you and I will always stand by you.

That's why I have to do what I can right now. Because I have to do everything within my power to be with you, even though right now my voice wouldn't reach you and I have no way of convincing you that everything will be alright, I will never lose sight of who you truly are. Because Kaneki, you are the most important person to me.

I might've countless of people surrounding me, back then and even now. But you Kaneki, only you alone truly saw me for what I am. I'm just another person like you afraid of being alone, that's why I know that you will never leave me if you can help it.

I thought our days together are something that were meant to last, but I was so utterly naïve to take our happy days together for granted. I tried to act as normal as possible even when I found out the change in you because I do not know what else to do and I was stupid not to try hard enough and talk to you sooner until you finally disappeared altogether from my sight.

I have never been particularly attached to anyone or anything but you. And now that you're gone, I found myself lamenting my helplessness back then and even now. I want to be with you, more than anything. I never noticed back then what I truly felt about you. You are my most important person in my life even though it's no longer normal for a friend to think like this, I no longer care. When I lose you I finally realized..

I love you….

Countless times I turned around and look back because I felt like somebody is watching me. As much as I had wanted to dismiss those encounters as nothing more than a mere fragment of my wild imagination, I couldn't do so. Because instinctively I felt the intensity and the longing that sent chills down my spine and at the same time, some comfort that even without a proof to back it up, I know without a doubt that it was you Kaneki.

You're out there somewhere, never close but never far away. Always watching over me but too cowardly to show yourself and talk to me. And I know without doing anything you will forever be eluding me like this. That's why, like I always do I need to work hard myself and meet you halfway through.

I sincerely believe that in time I will be able to convince you to go home and be with me… And we will be together.. Always..

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Somehow, I ended up following Hide tonight even though I promised myself every time that this will be the last time. But somehow, when I saw him tonight, weary than usual from overwork in the ever busy Ghoul Investigation office part time job and the university, I found myself more drawn to him than usual.

He's working hard for my sake and I know it's because Hide always care for me unconditionally. He probably wants to meet me halfway. But it's too late. My hands are now dirty, I am now without a doubt a monster of every human's nightmare, drenched with gore and blood and in the brink of losing my sanity.

Usually I was satisfied watching Hide through the sliding door of the balcony of his apartment until he turned into the night. But tonight I was compelled by an unknown force like the pull of gravity to come and get a closer look.

It was too late to stop myself when I found myself already standing in the balcony of Hide's apartment. I know it's risky but my desire to see Hide closer overtook my rationality in the end. I reasoned to myself that Hide must've fall asleep already from exhaustion. It's been months since the last time I've been here and as far as I can see, it was unnaturally disorderly. From the sliding glass door I could see the papers scattered about around the bedroom and some stacks of documents and newspaper clippings on his study table.

I knew I should've turned around and walked away, but seeing Hide sleeping peacefully on the bed once again compelled me to open the balcony door and walk inside the apartment silently. I kept telling myself that I'm only here to take a look as a friend but I know that I had been lying blatantly to myself. I want to be with Hide even just a bit.

As I walked inside the familiar apartment that I used to hang out with in almost daily basis a few months back, I was assailed by the familiar scent. The scent of Hide. Back when I was still a normal human, this scent brings me comfort. But now that I am a ghoul, this scent made me reel back in hunger and desire even though I'm not hungry or anything.

I just want Hide.

That thought takes me aback because of the literal and underlying meaning of that thought. I tried to distract myself and instead I pay attention to the scattered papers only to find myself looking through information about ghouls and some significant events that happened in the 20th ward lately. Even the filed missing report of me that brought a wry smile on my face.

I came closer to Hide's sleeping form on the bed and I couldn't help but reached my hands out to touch his familiar face. Only to be startled when Hide grabbed my arm. My first thought was to pull my hand away and make a run for it. It's dark and a normal human's eyes couldn't possibly see me that clearly. I just wanted to get away and swear that this will be the last time. I'll never see Hide again. But before I could pull my arm away, Hide talked..

"Kaneki.. I know it's you. It was you all along, the person always watching over me." I smiled, it was dark and I couldn't see Kaneki's expression but I must've taken him aback. For weeks and months, I have wanted to see Kaneki and now that he's here, I could hardly believe it. I was about to sleep when I heard the balcony door sliding silently. Rummaging through the papers, and by the footsteps, I knew it was Kaneki.

I pulled Kaneki's arm closer to my face. The hand that is colder than what I remembered and kissed those fingers. Kaneki became tensed immediately and tried to pull his hand away but I grabbed him more strongly. "I missed you. Please don't leave me just like this. I won't ask any questions as to where have you been or what have you been doing. But I'm begging you, just for tonight, don't leave me… Please.."

Before I noticed it myself, tears are running down my cheeks and it plopped down on the Kaneki's hand that is resting on my cheek. It was so unlike me but right now I don't care about anything except for Kaneki. I want to be with him. The single minded desire that is running through my mind.

I forcefully pulled Kaneki's whole body down towards me and he fell on top of me. We both lay motionless for a few seconds on the bed. I tried to listen to his breathing and heartbeat. He might've have changed a lot but those things still haven't changed. He's still a man of few words. As a testament, he never said a word ever since he came in. But I'm used to it, because Kaneki never said anything unimportant.

"Hide… I…" Kaneki, tried to said something to me but decided not to continue, whatever it is. As always he wants me to figure it out. But I kinda understand what he wanted to say but couldn't. He wanted to apologize but couldn't and he wanted to tell me what has been going on, but he was terrified of rejection.

I know that's what he must be thinking right now. Instead, I kissed him on the lips lightly. Once again, I caught him by surprise and said "You're an idiot Kaneki. You know that whatever happens, I would always stay by your side." With that said, I felt something warm and wet plopping on my cheeks. He's crying, and so do I.

"I want to be with you Kaneki…. And I wanted to be closer to you.. Closer than before and more closer than anybody had ever been to you.." As I whispered that on his ear, it might have taken him a full minute even with his brilliant mind to process what I had just said.

"Do not tempt me Hide.. You have no idea what I might do to you." Kaneki said. Oh, but I do have an idea. Devour my flesh? Bite me to death? I don't care, as long as I can be with Kaneki. "I'm not afraid" I told him. Then I kissed him once again. A deep kiss using my tongue. I have never done this before and I have a pretty much figure out that Kaneki is even more clueless in the actual thing but he probably read it already in the book somewhere.

I tried touching Kaneki, coaxing him into me. At first he was reluctant but in the end his desire wins out in the end. As I feel his hardness in the form fitting outfit that he wore. As my hands came to his eyepatch, I gently removed it. Although I can't see him clearly, I know that he's also looking at me. I also made him feel my hardness. To let him know that I'm the same as him. That this act is an act of mutual insanity. Because I love Kaneki to the point of madness but I wonder what he really feel towards me.

This sudden development made me think that I must be dreaming right now, but I know that I'm not. My eyes can now see better that human's and I could see clearly even in this darkness Hide's sweaty face full of desire and excitement that inflamed me even more. I want Hide so badly it hurts.

As we both slowly peeled our clothing, I was torn by my desire to take him and at the same time eat him.. I have never felt this conflicted in my entire life. And yet we move so well together. I couldn't think clearly anymore and instead I move instinctively. I couldn't quite believe it when I felt Hide's hardness against mine.

So Hide also felt that kind of desire towards me? Will he still be able to accept me after knowing what I am now and what I have become? There's nothing more I had wanted in my life than be with Hide. I frowned as Hide took the lead, he's more well verse but I guess it's only natural. Hide have always been open in this kind of thing while I spend my life denying it.

All I could ever think about is Hide's alluring smell and his body's warmth as I put my member inside him and we both cried out. It was mutual pleasure even though it was our first time. I have never felt this close to anybody else in my entire life and it gave me the sense of security that I'll never be alone again.

With that thought in mind, tears of happiness trickled down on my cheek and I was comforted by the thought that in this darkness, Hide couldn't see my face. As I look at his face I noticed that tears are also rolling down on his cheeks but I couldn't figure out if it was due to pain or he also felt the same as me.

Our body rocked each other slowly and rhythmically and with every move I seemed to lose myself.. When we were both close to the brink I ended up biting his shoulder in that moment of intense pleasure and I drew blood. As his one of a kind taste flows in my mouth it only added to the pleasure.

As we both lay side by side panting after that intense act, I found myself apologizing to Hide. I almost tore his shoulder off. "I'm sorry for hurting you…" And he only looked at me with his usual sunny smile and said "It doesn't hurt. I couldn't see your face but I could tell you must be showing an expression of remorse right now. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. I've never been this happy…" Hide said that solemnly.

"So am I" I said in response… As the night started to came to an end, we both had the same thought..

I wish this moment would last forever…

I wish this moment would last forever…

Disclaimers:

I don't own Tokyo Ghoul. Thanks for reading. This is my tribute for the sad yet great ending of the anime. I like it better than the manga where Kaneki ate Hide and forgot all about it..! Please give some reviews and constructive criticisms are very much welcome..

About my other stories like You are My Sun and Maddening Obsession, I'm not out of ideas or something. I already wrote a few chapters but I'm not satisfied how the story is going that's why I'm rewriting it. I'll post new chapters soon. Again thanks for reading..!