A/N: Hello, sort of an apologetic story being such a shitty author. So here's another shitty story hopefully you guys can enjoy somewhat. This story is just a random comedic oneshot in which Natsu tries to learn where babies come from... Which ultimately leads the idiotic and naïve teens of Fairy Tail to sex ed.
It'll get super chaotic soon…
This is/will be a crack fic. I'll try my best to entertain yall.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this this fanfic story!
Where Did Ya Come From?
Romeo has had enough.
What has he had enough of you ask?
Dragon slayers.
And not all of them, just one in particular.
Natsu freakin' Dragneel.
The pink-haired dragonslayer had been intently staring at him for the past week. When Romeo first saw him at the bar, several seats away, he raised an eyebrow. When the teen didn't answer or acknowledge his action besides the intent stare he was already giving him, Romeo shrugged it off and went back to eating his food.
Deciding to go hang out with his dad and Wakabe for a bit, Romeo went to the corner that was far away from Natsu. Several minutes later, Romeo chanced a look at the bartender and cried out in shock as he fell off the chair and onto his rear end.
Natsu was literally standing on his stool and watching him like a hawk, He was looking in the complete opposite direction of the bar. Once Romeo recovered, he gave a weak wave to the boy, he just stood there… on a barstool… staring…
Luckily, safe haven came in the form of his father that day.
Macao shot up and shouted a loud curse.
"DAMNIT! IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY TODAY! COME ON ROMEO! WE NEED TO GET A GIFT!"
Someone threw something at Macao to shut the old coot up but missed terribly, inciting a daily brawl from the guild. Romeo took the opportunity all too happily. As he left the guild, Romeo peeked over his shoulder and let out a loud "eep!" as he saw Natsu still staring at him, in the midst of the brawl.
Every day for the past week was of similar nature.
Giving a sigh, Romeo decided to go home. Not daring to look at his surroundings, the raven-haired boy walked out the guild.
"Oi."
Romeo squealed like a little pig!
"AHHHH!"
"O-O-OH H-HI N-N-NATSU-NII!" Romeo stammered. Was this the day? Did fate decree he was to die by his role model?
Natsu squatted so he was eye level with the child.
"Where did ya come from?!"
"Uh, home?!" Romeo squeaked out.
Natsu frowned. "So you just popped up one day?"
"No I went to sleep and woke up!" Romeo replied, wondering where Natsu was going with this.
"No, no, not that." Natsu waved the boy off, "I meant, like, how were you hatched?"
Romeo blinked. "Huh?"
"Yeah! I was wondering who hatched you. You're the youngest in the guild so you should have the best memory."
"I was… hatched?" Romeo questioned himself.
"Well duh." Natsu rolled his eyes. "How else would you exist… silly kids nowadays."
Romeo stared wide eyed at the older of the two. "Were you born from an egg?"
Natsu's chest puffed up. "But of course! Igneel breathed fire on me and I hatched!" That's what Igneel told him anyways.
"Wow… so cool!" He wondered what his dad did to hatch him. "I'm gonna go ask my dad how he hatched me!"
Natsu nodded sagely, "Of course! I'll go with ya buddy!"
"Okay!" Romeo dragged the teen back into the guild.
X
Macao did nothing to prevent his pipe dropping from his open mouth. He gaped at the pair in front of him incredulously while Wakabe held his stomach in intense laughter.
He spoke after a few minutes.
"Could you repeat that?"
"Natsu said his dad breathed fire on him to hatch his egg!How did you hatch me dad?!"
At this question, Wakabe doubled back over in laughter.
Natsu crossed his arms with a frown. "Why aren't you answering old man?!" A look of understanding came across his face. "Ah… there's no shame in admitting it! No one can compare to an actual dragon hatching!"
Romeo looked at him curiously, "You know how my dad hatched me?"
Natsu bent down and whispered loudly into the boy's ears. "Don't say this in front of your dad but he must've sat on you like a goose!" Ignoring Romeo's disappointed look, the dragonslayer straightened up and stared at the blue-haired man. "But don't the mothers usually do that?!"
"I DIDN'T SIT ON HIM LIKE A MOTHER HEN YOU FOOL!" Macao shouted.
"Oh." He turned to a still disappointed Romeo, "I think he heard us."
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN WHISPER QUIETLY YOU STUPID-"
"Great," Natsu complained. "Now he's squawking like a chicken."
Wakabe slammed the table and roared with laughter while Macao's face grew an angry red.
"YOU MIGHT BE THE STUPIDEST TEEN I KNOW-"
"OH YEAH?! AT LEAST I'M NOT A HEN!"
"DO I LOOK LIKE A HEN TO YOU-"
"WHAT?! BWAK BWAK?!" Natsu squawked loudly as he flapped his bent arms much like a chicken would. "BWAK BWAK BWAAAK!"
Before Macao could do anything in response, his son tugged at his sleeve.
"D-did you really… hatch me like a chicken?"
Macao lifted his child up. "Son, humans aren't hatched… they…just… um… sort of… pop out."
Romeo tilted his head, "Pop out? What does that mean-"
"Oi, don't lie to your son like that Macao! We hatch! Everyone hatches! Happy hatched, I hatched, Igneel hatched- Oi! Who's holding me!?" Natsu ranted til he felt a strong and large hand grip the back of shirt.
"Natsu." The voice sighed. "Are you an idiot?"
"Gidarts?!"
The auburn-haired man sighed.
"We're gonna have a long talk."
X
"It's January of year 782 and you don't know how babies are made-"
"OH CRAP! IT'S LUCY'S BIRTHDAY!" Natsu shouted. He then slumped and wailed. "I was supposed to get her the best present this year!"
"Why don't you give her a good ol' romp in the hay?" Gildarts said out of perverse instinct, completely forgetting the talk he was supposed to give the boy.
"What the hell is 'a good ol' romp in the hay' supposed to mean?!" The teen demanded.
Gildarts completely forgot about how moronic the boy was.
"It's just a saying for sex."
"Oh."
"Yep." Gildarts confirmed. He chugged his beer and noticed that Natsu was still standing there.
"… Don't you have to go get-"
"What's a sex?" Natsu wondered aloud.
Gildarts choked and spat out his ale.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT WHAT SEX IS?!"
Thank god they were outside at Gildart's house and away from the guild.
"What?! All I care about is getting stronger. Now tell me, where can I obtain a sex for Lucy?!" Natsu demanded.
Gildarts face-palmed.
"Okay that's it. I can't believe the education system failed you this badly. We're going to Makarov so he can fix this shit."
X
Natsu sat with a pout in Makarov's office.
Along with him were Gray, Erza and Gajeel.
After Gildarts demanded Makarov to sit the teens of Fairy Tail down for a talk about the bird and the bees, Makarov announced to the guild that anyone between the age of 13 and 17 who didn't know about the bird and bees come up to the office for a little chat.
Natsu, not wanting to be the only idiot that walked up, dragged Gray and Gajeel along with discreetly.
Erza came on her own.
"So," Makarov said, hands intertwined on his desk, "Tell me, what do you guys know about babies."
"They're tiny." Gajeel roughly said.
"Babies are adorable." Erza said firmly.
Gray frowned. "They cry a lot and-"
X
Laxus walked up the stairs to the old man's office. He had just came back from a mission and it didn't go too hot.
He destroyed a whole village.
Accidentally of course.
Regardless, the gramps was going to be pissed-
"Babies are adorable."
Laxus frowned and slowed down, that was Erza's voice from the office.
Gray's voice came a moment later. "They cry a lot and-"
Unmistakably, the voice of Natsu's came next.
"OI! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I CAN BUY A SEX FOR LUCY!"
Laxus turned tail and immediately sprinted the way he just came from.
He was not dealing with that shit today.
X
Makarov, Erza, Gray, and Gajeel just openly stared at Natsu.
He looked around at his peer.
"What?"
"You really are an idiot if you don't know about sex and babies Natsu." Gray muttered.
"What!? As if you know what sex and where babies come from!"
"Of course I do! Babies are born from icicles!" Gray stated matter-of-factly.
Now everyone took their turn staring at the bare-chested teen.
Gajeel guffawed. "HA! YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!"
Erza frowned. "That's not very nice Gajeel, apologize!" Gajeel muttered a quick sorry before going into a depressed state; Erza is so freaking mean-
Natsu ignored all of them and faced Gray. "You dumbass! Babies are hatched, not melted like some damn popsicle you fuck-"
Makarov cleared his throat.
"Children, it has come to my attention that none of you know how babies are made. Thankfully, Natsu had mentioned an interaction that you need to learn in-depth about." He focused his attention on Erza. "Except you. Erza, why are you here? Shouldn't you already know about this?"
The aforementioned teen began confessing "Unfortunately master, I don't know how baby are conceived-"
"But you read that book, the erm, stuff they do in there is how babies come to be."
Erza's face began turning red.
"Oh."
She glanced at the three boys and turned even redder.
"Oh."
She cleared her throat.
"If you will excuse me then."
She was gonna go make a baby.
At this Makarov, brightened; perhaps if he just gave them a DVD do watch, all would be well. After all, Erza seemed to have understood from what he just told her. The smutty books she read must've been informative so no doubt an educational video would do wonders on the boys' brains.
Makarov cupped his mouth with his hand and drew in a deep breath before shouting.
"GILDARTS GET YOUR ASS IN HERE WITH THE DVD YOU SHOWED CANA YEARS AGO!"
He had lent Fairy Tail's ace the educational video for Cana. He had yet to return it and Makarov never pestered him to return it because there never rose an occasion in which he needed it.
Til now.
Several minutes later, Gildarts walked through the office door with a small rectangular case while picking at his ears.
"Ah, I should've just shown Natsu this years ago!" he tossed it to Makarov before slapping Natsu on the head.
"Ow! What was that for!?"
"For being stupid!" Gildarts declared rather proudly… then he left.
Everyone sweat dropped. Except Natsu, who was nursing his sore head.
Makarov found himself clearing his throat once more.
"Ahem. Okay guys, so, please take this video as it will inform of you exactly what sex is."
Gajeel reddened. "Whoa old man, I already know what that is… I only came up here cause salamander wanted me to be here… I'm leaving." The diminutive elder shrugged, he figure Gajeel would know.
Gray nodded in agreement. "I also know what sex is master, can I be excused as well?"
"Pray tell," Makarov said dryly, "What do you think sex is Gray?"
"Easy, of course I can tell you-"
Natsu snorted.
"What Flamebrain, you don't think I know what sex is?!"
Natsu stared at the ice mage. "Well you're just as stupid as I am so if you don't know then-"
"It's when people play by jumping around with each other you idiot!"
"Oh." the pink-haired teen blinked. "So we had sex when we were younger?"
Gray nodded. "Duh… Well, you, me and Erza." He looked at the guild master. "Can we leave now?"
"Man!" Natsu wailed. "That's the lamest present for Lucy! No way in hell am I gonna sex around with her."
Makarov had a lecherous smile and a pervy blush before he shook himself out of his stupor. "Alright you two, just take this DVD and watch it together, it'll help."
Natsu crossed his arms, "I don't wanna watch a bunch of people jump around!"
Gray agreed as he took the DVD case from his master. "Yeah, I'm out-"
"I'll pay you 500,000 Jewels each."
Gray grabbed Natsu and began dragging his companion off, "Looks like we're watching this DVD buddy!"
"But I don't want to watch…" Natsu's voice trailed off into the distance.
Makarov chuckled deeply. It was amazing to see the day where-
SLAM!
The door had burst open with a loud bang and Makarov relaxed his tense guard when he saw who it was.
"OI OLD MAN!" Gildarts shouted with obvious panic, "WHERE'S THE DVD!?"
Makarov raised a curious eyebrow. "It's with Gray I believe… why?"
"TELL THEM TO GIVE IT BACK!" Gildarts roared. "THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PORNO!"
The guild master of Fairy Tail paled.
Oh dear lord.