"Santa not bring you what you asked for?" Coleman asked, propping himself against the bar as he refilled the tiny brunette's shot glass with tequila.
Elizabeth Webber tilted her head to the side, looking at him with glassy eyes. "I still have until dawn," she replied with a wry, drunken smile that was quickly replaced with a frown. "But I don't think even the magic of Santa can pull this one of."
He lowered the bottle of tequila back behind the bar, then slid her a lime. "Well, that's not a good way to think at all darling. It's Christmas after all."
She nodded glumly, tracing her fingers over the top of the glass. "And I'm spending it in a bar," she murmured, her eyes filling with tears. She was thankful her hair had fallen into her face. She hated to think that she was going to end up one of those sad, pathetic and lonely drunks. "A bar that I really, really hate."
Coleman raised his eyes in shock. "Honey, that's not very nice to say to the bartender."
A smile tugged briefly at her lips. "It's nothing against you," Elizabeth replied seriously, lifting the shot glass. "It's not even the bar really."
He flashed her a bemused grin. "Then what is it?"
She tossed the tequila back, her face squirming up with disgust as she bit into the lime. "The memories," she replied, tossing the lime rind down onto the dirty bar.
"Ah," he said with a knowing nod. "Memories are never the safe place to go during the holidays."
Safe. The word hit Elizabeth like a slap in the face and suddenly she felt sober. "I need another shot," she muttered, slapping a twenty down on the bar.
He filled her glass, shaking his head at her money. "You're my only customer tonight, so it's on the house," he replied with a wink.
"Thanks," she said in a low voice, staring at the tequila. She'd drank so much of it, she was sure she was drowning. But the pain was still there, so she knew she wasn't. "Coleman, what's the craziest, most unsafe thing you've ever done?"
He laughed guiltily, shaking his head. "I'm not at liberty to say, especially to such a pretty woman."
She rolled her eyes, holding her hand out for another lime. "Did it involve a woman?" she asked as he dropped the lime into her hand.
"Doesn't every crazy thing a man does involve a woman?"
"Touché," she replied, tossing the shot back. She let it run down the back of her throat slowly, almost enjoying the slow burn. "Or is it the road goes both ways? Hell, I don't know anymore."
"You doing something crazy for a man?" he asked with curious amusement as he leaned against the bar.
Elizabeth shook her head while she bit her lip. "I've always been safe," she replied, looking back down at the bar. She was sure at any given second she was going to burst into tears. "I've always done the right thing for everyone else. I've always done what I think everyone else expects me to do."
"Well, not always," she continued with a grunt. "I finally did something that I wanted and where did it get me? I'm the same place I was a year ago or five years ago or eight years ago. It's never gonna stop." She cocked her head, giving him another sad smile. "Why is that?"
He let out a deep breath, immediately reaching for the bottle of tequila. "I can't tell you that, honey. But if you've been safe this long, maybe it's time you shake things up a bit."
She laughed, leaning back on the barstool. "I'm always going to be safe. It's the Elizabeth Spen-Webber way," she said, grimacing at the mention of Spencer. She spun around on her stool, looking at the poorly decorated bar. She longed to straighten up the lights and spread out the tinsel. "You know what I wanted for Christmas, Coleman?"
"What's that, sweetie?"
"Despite all the reasons that I know he can't, I just really wanted him to come home," Elizabeth replied her voice just above a whisper. She frowned when her eyes landed on the doorway and the piece of mistletoe strung from it.
She loved mistletoe.
It was romantic and stupid and trite, but the idea of getting caught in an awkward moment with the one person you wanted to kiss more than anyone else almost made her smile. There was something so magical about the idea, about time catching up long enough to give you that split second, that perfect kiss. She narrowed her eyes on the tiny green leaf, realizing she was only angry at herself.
Elizabeth wanted to be beneath it, but only with him.
"A beer and a shot of whiskey," Jason Morgan said, glancing over his shoulder before he sat down on a barstool.
He was thankful that the bar was empty. The last thing he wanted was to be around people, especially the loud, boisterous, happy kind.
"Not a good holiday for you either?" Coleman asked, sliding him a beer, then turning away briefly to grab a bottle of whiskey. "The holidays always brings in the stragglers."
He just nodded in agreement, slapping a bill down on the bar. He wasn't sure if any holiday would be a good one from this point on. He took a long swig from his beer, then reached for the whiskey, realizing it would numb him faster.
"You playing pool tonight?" Coleman asked, leaning against the bar and look at him.
He shrugged, finishing off his whiskey, then slid the glass across the bar for him to refill it. He knew Coleman was being polite. Or maybe it was that he was just as lonely.
"Not really in the mood," he replied, deciding that he owed him somewhat of an answer. "Not too busy, I see?"
He shook his head, filling his glass. "Had a rush earlier, but everyone has places to be on Christmas," he said, forcing a smile at him. "Except for us. I don't know about you, but I was never really a Christmas kind of guy."
Jason sipped his whiskey, feeling the slow burn spread throughout his body. "There was a time that I thought I could be," he replied sincerely, staring down at his glass. "But there was a time when I thought I could be a lot of things."
"You and me both," Coleman said, reaching to pour himself a glass of whiskey. He took a long sip and looked at Jason. "But hey, that's life. It never turns out what the way you expect it to."
"Or want it to."
"Or need it to."
His eyes flashed to the bartender's, suddenly feeling like he was talking too much. It was never really his forte, but he hadn't talked, really talked, to someone in so long that he didn't want to stop.
"I never used to think about the future or even the past," he murmured, shaking his head. "I wouldn't let myself think about what could be or what couldn't. It either hurt too much or it caused regret, but lately…I can't stop."
"That's just human nature. We always want what isn't ours or what we can't have, but then when we get it, we just want something more."
He shook his head, giving Coleman a long, hard look. "There's always the one thing that's just right. It's just enough, just perfect, and everything you ever wanted."
"Ah," Coleman sighed with an all too knowing grin. "You're talking about a woman."
"Something like that," he replied, polishing off his second glass of whiskey and reaching for his beer.
He turned away from the bar, wanting to avoid any further conversation. He was relieved when Coleman took the hint and he heard him disappear to the back of the bar.
Sipping his beer, Jason took in the gaudy Christmas tinsel and blinking lights that were strung up messily around the dingy bar. He grimaced when he noticed the mistletoe hanging above the doorway.
He hated mistletoe.
The entire concept was so ridiculous, leaving room only for uncomfortable situations between two people who really had no desire to be beneath it. He took another swig of his beer, narrowing his eyes on the tiny green leaf, realizing he was only angry at himself.
Jason wanted to be beneath it, but only with her.
Elizabeth stumbled from the dirty bathroom, swearing under her breath. She felt like she needed a shower as she made her way down the hall. Now she remembered why she hadn't frequented the bathroom at Jake's all too often.
She paused at the foot of the stairs, bracing her hand on the banister when the room started to spin. "Great," she murmured. "I'm drunk and alone…On Christmas."
Pressing her face into the crook of her arm as she took a deep breath, she told herself not to cry. She wasn't going to be one of those people. It wasn't fair to her or her children. Or even him.
"Time to get a cab," she muttered, pushing herself away from the banister and towards the bar. She stumbled again, falling forward only to catch herself just in time against the door. Cracking her knee against the wooden paneling, she swore loudly, leaning against the door frame as she straightened up.
"You alright there, sweetie?" she heard Coleman call out from the bar.
She nodded, shoving her hair from her face. "I need a cab," she replied, lifting her head to look at him, but she was instantly drawn to the other body at the bar.
She'd have recognized him had he not been facing her. His stoic demeanor and leather jacket. She could fell his blue orbs burning into her before she met his hard stare.
Swallowing hard, she braced her back against the wall, her own eyes filled with a mixture of sadness and fear when his name tumbled from her lips. "Jason."
He lowered his beer to the bar, shaking his head at Coleman who had already started to call her a cab. "Elizabeth," he replied, walking over to her slowly. He slid his hands nervously into pockets. "What are you doing here?"
"It's Christmas," she said simply. She knew it made no sense, but it was the first thing that came into her mind.
"Exactly," he replied, stopping a few feet in front of her. "Why aren't you with the boys?"
"I could ask you the same thing," she said, her tone more hateful than she meant it to come off. She noticed the hardness that washed over his face, the way he looked away from her quickly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"It's okay," he interrupted firmly.
She ran a hand over her flushed face. Her she was, her Christmas wish being answered in a roundabout way, and she was handling it in the worst possible way.
"They're with Lucky," she replied, her voice shaky. For some reason she felt wrong telling him that. "Which probably means they're with Sam."
"They should be with you."
"Touché," she replied without batting an eye. "Or wait. That goes both ways?" She paused, cracking a smile that he obviously he didn't appreciate it. "I've been struggling with that all night."
"You should be with the boys, Elizabeth. Not drunk and alone in a bar."
She rolled her eyes, folding her arms across her chest. "At least if the boys are with Lucky and Sam, they'll have a happy Christmas. I'm not so good at pretending anymore. I can't smile and act like I'm okay when it all hurts so much," she slurred with a forced smile. "So, I'm telling myself, Cameron and Jake will get to have that family vibe on Christmas morning and everything will feel perfect. I mean, we both know what good liars Lucky and Sam are."
Jason just stared at her, not sure of how to respond, and she took it as an opportunity to ramble on.
"It's kind of funny. A year ago, Sam had everything that I wanted. She had your devotion and your love and all she wanted was your baby. And there I was pregnant. " she said, placing a hand on her chest as she stared up at him. "And now a year later, Sam has Lucky and my boys and they're basically a family. She still ended up winning."
"God, Elizabeth," he murmured, reaching out to touch her, but she smacked his hand away.
"I have to go," she said, pushing past him.
"Stop," he replied, grabbing her arm and pulling her to him. "I don't want to fight with you."
"I'm not fighting. I'm just giving up."
"We've gone over this, Elizabeth."
"I know," she spat, jerking her arm out of his grasp. She stumbled back against the door facing and he grabbed her hips to steady her. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
"I didn't mean to come here tonight," she murmured, hanging her head. She wasn't sure whether she was annoyed or relieved that he let his hands linger on her body. "I tried to go to the docks and Kelly's. I went to my studio, but that was just a mess. And I even went to the overlook." She tilted her head back, looking up at him with teary eyes. "But you're everywhere. I didn't even want to come here, but it was all I had left. At least here, I could drink and forget."
He nodded, his eyes softening. "I did the same thing," he confessed, swallowing hard. "I uh, I went for a ride on my bike. I drove the cliff road and stopped at the overlook, thinking about the bridge. And when I ended up at the docks, I kept thinking about your studio, about our Christmas."
"Don't," she said firmly, wiping her face with the palms of her hands.
"I'm sorry," he replied, lifting a hand to her face. She pulled away from his touch at first, then nestled her cheek against his palm. "Elizabeth, if things could be-"
"If they could be, they would be," she interrupted, pulling his hand away from her face. "There wouldn't be any danger or any reasons why we can't be together."
"This is what you wanted," he reminded her, aching as much for her as she was for him. "This is what we-"
"It was never what I wanted," she cut in, her eyes flashing to his. "It was the safe choice. We've always been safe, Jason. And I'm so tired of doing what's best for everyone else."
"It's what's best for Jake," he said sadly.
"Because it's safe. It protects him from the danger of your life," she replied sarcastically. "But what about the other ways it effects him, Jason?"
He stared back at her silently and that only infuriated him more.
"Do you honestly think we can lie to him forever about who is father is? It's killing me to face him. One day he's going to realize that his mother is tearing up inside every time she looks at him and-"
"Elizabeth!"
What's best for Jake is to know his parents love him," she continued, shaking her head at him. "I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of lying to everyone and hanging on with hope that one day you…And me…We'll be together. Because it's not going to happen, Jason." She paused, looking at him nervously. "Is it?"
"If things were different-"
"But they aren't and they're never going to," she pointed out. "So there's no reason to hang onto any of this or to think about loving you and being with you because at the end of the day, it just doesn't matter!"
"It matters," he replied firmly, clenching his jaw.
"If it mattered neither of us would be at a bar on Christmas because we're so sad and alone," she slurred, the rims of her eyes filled with tears. "We'd be at home with Cameron and Jake where we belong."
Jason took a deep breath, letting her words sink in slowly. There was nothing that either of them could say to fix any of this.
"I just want you to come home to me," she confessed, tears slipping down her cheeks.
"That's all I've ever wanted," he replied, cupping her cheek in his hand. He wiped away her tears with the pad of his thumb.
"But it's too late," she murmured, resting her head against the doorframe as she stared up at him. She noticed the mistletoe from the corner of her eye and the idea of it made her want to throw up. "It always has been, right?"
"Elizabeth."
"Jason," she mocked, rolling her eyes. She gave him a split second to react and when he didn't, she pushed past him, heading for the bar. Coleman walked out from the back just as she approached. "Coleman, call me a cab."
"I can take you," Jason called out behind her.
"It's too dangerous," she muttered huffily, wiping at her eyes with her fingertips.
"Stop this," he nearly begged behind her.
She shook her head, leaning against the bar. Her eyes flashed to Coleman's and she knew then, that he knew. He held his hands up, tossing his head to the back of the bar and quickly disappeared out of sight.
Now, she definitely hated him more than this bar.
"Elizabeth, let me take you home. You shouldn't be alone on Christmas," he continued to beg from the doorway.
"Why? So you can just up and leave in the morning and we go back to pretending like this never happened?" she asked, wiping more tears from her eyes as they fell. "I can't do it, Jason. I won't."
"I'm just asking you to let me take you home," he replied sincerely. "Nothing more, nothing less."
She spun around, looking at him as he stood in the doorway. Walking back to him slowly, her eyes roamed over his body and she thought of how safe she felt every time she was in his arms.
"But I'll always want more," she murmured softly. "I always have."
She stepped up to him, taking a deep breath as she slipped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. "It's not fair," she muttered against his t-shirt as she breathed him in.
He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. "We can still figure this out, Elizabeth. We can-"
"I have to go home," she said with a shrug as she pulled away from him. She gave him an apologetic look and suddenly it was as if none of their conversation had mattered. "You have to go home."
She raised a hand to his face, brushing her thumb over his cheek, "And sadly, they aren't the same place."