Smile and Smile and Be a Villain
Harley Quinn heard the front door slam and leapt to her feet, turning off the TV and rushing down the hallway, heart pounding in excitement. "Puddin'!" she cried, throwing herself at the Joker, who was taking off his coat. "I'm so glad you're back! I missed you so much!"
"Get off, Harley," snarled Joker, shoving her away from him. "It's only been half an hour since I left – you didn't even have time to miss me."
"Really?" asked Harley, genuinely surprised. "It seemed like ages, boss. Why are you back so soon?"
He glared at her and stormed into the living room, throwing himself down on the sofa and folding his arms across his chest in a huff. "Aw, the heist didn't go so good, huh?" asked Harley, following him into the room and draping herself around his shoulders. "Well, cheer up, puddin'. Your devoted Harley girl will make it all better. Who needs a diamond when you've got the most precious jewel you could ever have right here?"
In response, Joker reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a massive diamond, which he then threw violently across the room, hitting the wall and denting it.
"Oh. You got it," said Harley, puzzled. "Then why are you upset, Mr. J?"
"Because I got it, Harley!" he shouted, furiously. "I got it, without any kind of resistance or struggle or even an attempt to prevent me from taking it! It was all too easy! And not even a hint of the Bat! Why didn't he try to stop me? Doesn't he care anymore? You know the value of that rock? 3 million dollars! And it's all worthless! What's the point, Harley, I ask you, what is the point of stealing stuff if nobody cares when you do it? What's the point of committing crimes if nobody tries to stop you? And where in the name of all that's holy was Batman?!"
"At Gotham University," retorted Harley.
"How do you know that?" demanded Joker.
"It was on the news," said Harley, turning on the TV. "Professor Crane staged a little experiment there. Fear gas in the ladies dormatories. Not a pretty sight, but then I went to college there, and frankly girls screaming and running around at all hours of the night was fairly common. But Bats went there to stop people getting hurt. I guess that seemed more important to him than you stealing the diamond."
The news reporter was confirming the capture of Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, and playing live footage of him being led out of Gotham University at the hands of Batman. "…who has once again apprehended another dangerous criminal bent on causing mayhem and chaos in the lives of ordinary citizens. Professor Crane will be returned to Arkham Asylum, whose most notorious inmates include the likes of Two-Face, The Riddler, and Poison Ivy. What is it about Gotham City that seems to attract these exotic supervillains? And more importantly, whatever would we do without Batman to stop them? Answering these questions is our special guest…"
But they never discovered who the special guest was, as Joker suddenly ripped out his gun and shot the television screen several times. "Two-Face?! The Riddler?! Poison Ivy?!" he shrieked. "Those are the ones they pick as their most notorious inmates?! After all I've done for this town, this is the thanks I get?! What's the matter with everyone?! I'm the Joker, dammit! The Clown Prince of Crime! Gotham's most dangerous criminal mastermind! Batman's ultimate nemesis! I could eat the likes of Two-Face, The Riddler, and Poison Ivy for breakfast! Why don't I get no respect?!"
"I respect you, puddin'," purred Harley, trying to soothe him by gently massaging his shoulders. "You're Gotham's most dangerous criminal mastermind to me. Not to mention the cleverest, strongest, most handsome man in the whole entire universe, both this one and that Marvel one…"
"And what the hell is the matter with Batman?!" he shouted, interrupting her as if she wasn't there. "Why is he ignoring me?! What have I done to be treated like this by him?! I haven't changed – I'm still looking to cause havoc and mayhem! Why don't that bother him anymore?!"
"You're stressed, puddin'," murmured Harley, massaging his neck and chest. "We need to find a way to relieve your tension, to give your big, strong muscles a workout. Get me?" she whispered into his ear.
He nodded. "Go get it, Harley," he retorted.
"The whoopie cushion, sweetie?" she asked, excitedly.
"Not the whoopie cushion," he retorted. "You know what I mean."
Harley's face fell. "But puddin'…"
"Go get it!" he shouted, shoving her across the room.
Harley sighed and left, returning a few moments later with a cape and mask, an exact replica of Batman's.
"But I don't like this game, sweetie," she whined.
"Do you think I give a damn what you like?" he demanded. "Just put it on."
She obeyed, sighing. Joker stood up. "Now hit me," he ordered.
"Puddin'…"
"He doesn't call me puddin'!" he shouted, furiously. "Get into character now, Harley, or I promise you, it won't be funny!"
She sighed again. "It's over, Joker," she said, trying to deepen her voice as she straightened up as tall as she could go.
Joker smiled. "Over? Why my dear delusional Dark Knight, it hasn't even begun."
"Let the hostages go now," she continued.
"Well, if you insist," he said, grinning. "I'll just let them go into this vat of molten hot lead!" And he laughed maniacally.
"Fortunately, Robin and Batgirl arrived here in the nick of time to save the hostages," she said. "Now it's just you and me, Joker. I'm taking you in."
He grinned. "Come and get me then, Bats."
Harley started toward him and punched him half-heartedly. Joker seized her round the throat. "You hit like a girl, Harley," he hissed. "Punch me like you mean it!"
"Sorry…Mr. J…" she gasped.
"God Harley, can't you do a single damn thing right, you useless dame?" snarled Joker, tightening his grip. "Are you actually too stupid to follow simple instructions? Can't you even do this one thing correctly to make me happy? I don't even know why I keep you around. To have a punching bag handy, I guess. That must be the only reason, because I certainly don't care about you. Who could care about a useless waste of space like you? A stupid, brainless, airheaded blonde bimbo who I only used to get out of Arkham, and who's been following me around like a lost puppy ever since! I should do what I do to all lost puppies, and just put a bullet through your head! It would be such a relief, and such a pleasure, because I hate you, Harley. And I've always lied to you. Everytime I said I loved you, in fact, because I never, ever did…"
She broke away from his grip with a scream, and punched him hard across the face, knocking him backward at the force of the blow. He looked up at her and grinned. "'Atta girl," he whispered. "Keep 'em coming, sweets."
Harley obeyed, pounding him repeatedly with furious blows. Then Joker fought back, punching her across the face, laughing. She fell to the ground, but recovered quickly, attacking him again. They exchanged punches while Joker laughed, until at last he knocked her to the ground and she couldn't get up again. She just lay on the ground, sobbing from both physical and mental agony.
The manically happy light in Joker's eyes died suddenly as the illusion was broken, and he sighed, kneeling down beside her and pulling the mask gently off her face. "You're supposed to win, Harley," he murmured. "Batman always wins."
"S…sorry, Mr. J," she whispered, tears trailing down her face.
"It's ok, pooh bear," he whispered, kissing her tears away. "You did good. You made your Mr. J very happy."
"Really?" she asked, looking up at him hopefully.
"Would I lie to you, pumpkin pie?" he murmured, stroking her hair. "Never. Never to my precious little baby. My sweet little cupcake, my beautiful, gorgeous Harley girl. I love you, baby," he whispered, kissing her tenderly.
"I love you too, Mr. J," she whispered. "But I don't like this game!" she sobbed, throwing herself into his arms. "Can't we play with the whoopie cushion next time?"
"Of course we can, pumpkin," he murmured. "Maybe later tonight, if you play your cards right."
"You mean it, puddin'?" she asked, her eyes alight with hope.
He chuckled, and kissed her nose. "Course I do, sweets. My little Harley hasn't had her engine revved in too long a time. We wouldn't want it to get rusty, would we? We need to keep the gears well oiled, don't we, baby?" he murmured, pulling her into his arms and rubbing her bottom gently.
"Oh, Mr. J, I love it when you talk like that!" she gasped, excited. "Your Harley wants to be revved up right now," she murmured, rubbing herself against him and kissing his neck.
"In a bit, pooh," he replied, kissing her forehead. "Daddy J's just starving right now. All that exercise, y'know. And I'll need a full stomach for all my exercise tonight," he added, grinning. "You got dinner ready, toots?"
"Course I do, Mr. J," she replied. She struggled to her feet, wincing in pain as she hobbled across the room into the kitchen. Joker watched her leave, then sighed as he picked up the cape and mask, throwing them into a corner. He sat down on the sofa, intending to watch some TV, but then realized he'd destroyed it earlier. He sighed again, reaching for the newspaper on the coffee table. He grew more and more angry as he read stories about the exploits of The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman, and The Mad Hatter. Useless, second-rate criminals, the lot of them, but still getting more press coverage than he was. And Batman had put all of them away again. Why not him?
"Why doesn't he care anymore, Harley?" he murmured as she entered the room, carrying two TV dinners on trays.
"You still on about Batman, Mr. J?" she asked, putting the trays down on the coffee table and kissing his cheek.
"Of course Batman. Always Batman," he retorted. "What have I done wrong, Harl? Why isn't he paying attention to me?"
Harley picked up the newspaper, scanning it. "The way I see it, Mr. J, it ain't so much that Bats is ignoring you, than that's he just occupied with all these other freaks. He's overworked – all these so-called supervillains vying for his notice. He doesn't have time to give his personal attention to each and every criminal who's infested this city. He has to pick and choose, and you know Bats. People in danger are always going to outweigh the loss of expensive artifacts. He believes human lives are more priceless than treasure, the big dope. I'll bet if you pulled a scheme that involved lots of people dying if Bats didn't save them, he'd be on you quicker than you could say Batarang. That is, unless one of these other criminals was also planning on killing a bunch of people. Then he might have a dilemma. But at least it would be a 50/50 chance he'd pick you, rather than a 1 in what seems like a hundred chance…"
Joker suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth, his eyes shining. "Shut up, Harley," he murmured, grinning to himself. "Shut up and let me think. Your mindless rambling has just given me an idea, a fantastic, brilliant, ingenious idea. I'll set Bats up with a trap he can't refuse – the lives of human beings placed in dire jeopardy, doomed to die unless he stops me from killing them. And none of the those other pathetic excuses for criminals will be able to compete with me for his attention, because…" He giggled. "Because they'll be the bait!"
He began laughing maniacally. "Oh, it's going to be glorious, Harley girl!" he cried. "They'll be there, all of them, Two-Face and Riddler and Scarecrow and Hatter and Penguin and Freeze and Catwoman and Ivy, all of them helpless, at my mercy, dead unless Bats saves them. And he will, Harley. He couldn't resist that challenge."
Harley was trying to speak, but Joker's hand still muffled her mouth. He released her and she cried, "But puddin', those are our friends! We've had lots of good times in Arkham together, all of us; we can't just kidnap them and try to kill them out of the blue!"
"All's fair in love and crime, baby girl," he replied. "Anyway, they deserve it. They shouldn't have been such a nuisance, coming between me and Batsy. They asked for it. It's their own fault."
"But it doesn't seem right, puddin'," she murmured. "And I couldn't do that to Ivy. She's my best friend. She'd never forgive me for betraying her."
"You care about her more than me, is that it?" demanded Joker.
"No, of course not, puddin'," she replied. "I just don't want to have to choose between the two of you. Ivy's always been there for me when I needed her. She's a good kid. I wouldn't want to hurt her."
"You'd hurt me by refusing to help me," he retorted. "Would you like that, Harley? Would you like to hurt me?"
"No, Mr. J," she whispered. "You know I'd never do that."
"That's my girl," he murmured, kissing her. "So you'll help Daddy with his little scheme, like the good little girl you are, won't you, baby?"
"Yes, Mr. J," she replied, shutting her eyes tightly.
He kissed her again. "Cheer up, cupcake. Bats will save them all anyway, you know he will. Pammie won't even get a scratch. And we can all laugh about this later in the Rec Room at Arkham. They all know how to take a joke, after all."
"Yeah," agreed Harley, forcing a smile. "And that's all it is, ain't it, Mr. J? Just a joke?"
"A harmless little prank, sweets," he said, grinning. "They'll see the funny side. Trust me. You do trust your Daddy J, don't you?"
"You know I do, puddin'," she whispered, hugging him tightly.
He kissed the top of her head. "Good. Now let's eat, baby girl, so we can get to bed, and Daddy can enjoy his pumpkin's pie."
Harley hurried through her meal at these words, waited impatiently for him to finish his, and didn't think about Ivy for the rest of the night.