Crap In a Crate
Scene 1: Fool Me Once, Stinkypoo
Blanche and Dorothy are sitting in the living room reading magazines. Suddenly, the door opens and Sophia emerges carrying a large crate in her arms.
Blanche: Why Sophia. You got your hands full. Do you need some help, honey?
Sophia: No. Let an old lady carry this crate of crap and give me a hernia why don't you. Of course I need help.
Blanche: Why surely. I'm glad to help.
Dorothy: Ma, what have you got there?
Sophia: I don't know pussycat. There was an auction at the Shady Pines because Elmer Kruap finally croaked. I got this crate that was in the back of his closet.
Blanche: Goody, goody. Let's see what that ole' codger had stored up all these years. I know that older gentleman like to store their spiciest keepsakes in boxes to be forgotten in some dusty corner.
Sophia: Yeah. You would know.
Blanche: Well, I don't wanna brag, but I have done my share of sleuthing.
Dorothy: Maybe there will be something valuable. We really do need a new refrigerator, ever since Blanche's supply of mystery fluids spilled and stunk up the kitchen.
Blanche: Now Dorothy, those were very invaluable fluids I had collected from many men so that one day, in the near future, I could use those 'lil tadpoles to fertilize my salvageable eggs.
Sophia: Dream on.
Dorothy: Let's look. Blanche, lay it down here on the table.
Blanche hobbles over to the table and lets the heavy crate collapse on the table. Dorothy runs to the kitchen for a mallet and starts to voraciously tear open the crate. Blanche and Sophia stand by in fixed anticipation.
Dorothy: Gosh, this crate is really hard to get open. The cracks are so narrow.
Sophia: Take a lesson from the crate, Blanche. Your cracks are far from narrow.
Blanche: Why Sophia, it is well beknownst among my clientele of suitors that my cracks have certain special qualities. That information is classified.
Sophia: Are you kiddin'? The whole world knows your cracks are so stretched, you have to hold your pussycat together whenever you watch Bob Hope, or a kerplop will come out.
Dorothy: They call it a queef now, Blanche.
Blanche: So I have heard in the bathroom of the Rusty Anchor, but that's a different story.
Sophia: Shut up and open the crate!
Dorothy: What is that smell?
Sophia: Sorry.
Blanche: No Sophia. That ain't a fart or even a turd. That's something...rotten or somethin'.
Blanche reaches into the crate and picks up a musty human head, slime running down her manicured fingernails.
Blanche: Awwwwww! It's a...it's a...
Sophia: It's a head, stupid.
Dorothy: What the hell is that doing in there and why does it look like it's still decomposing?
Sophia: Probably all of that juice that was in their. Kept it moist and preserved.
Blanche: Awwwwwwwww!
Sophia and Dorothy: SHUT UP, BLANCHE!
Blanche: I need some air. I need some air.
Just then, Rose peddles down the hallway whistling the theme song from Cheers. Dorothy takes the head and throws it back into the crate, slamming the top back on.
Rose: Hi, girls! What are you all doing?
Sophia: We're just...um...starting up a compost crate. Yeah, that's it.
Rose: That would explain that yucky ducky smell. Why does it look like Blanche just saw a ghost?
Sophia: No reason. She's just having another one of her moods. You know, about how she thinks she's old, ugly, and useless like she isn't. No, she isn't any of those things. Hah.
Rose: I'm sure I can help. We used to have compost heaps on the farm in St. Olaf. I never remember them being this stinky, though.
Dorothy: Well, this is a very special compost heap, Rose. It has a lot of things that Blanche contributed.
Rose: Say no more, Dorothy. I don't want to have any more nightmares tonight like that time I saw Blanche with Steven Slimwang. I still don't really understand what happened.
Dorothy: Why don't you go get us some of your lemonade, Rose? I think we'd all like some.
Rose: Hokey dokey doo doo. Be back in a flash.
Sophia: Geez. This rotten head is probably smarter than that fuckin retard Rose.
Scene 2: Give Me Head!
Rose surreptitiously creeps into the garage in the middle of the night. She putts her face up to sniffle the air and follow the scent of the old crate. Suddenly, she falls over and scrapes her knee on the concrete in the dark.
Rose: Ouchy douchy hoo hoo. Ouchy douchy hoo hoo. Owwwwy!
The garage door swings open and reveals Blanche in her housecoat, her arm akimbo and her finger wagging in admonishment.
Blanche: Just what do you think you're doing, Rose? It's the middle of the night!
Rose: I know that, Blanche. I was just trying to sneak a peek at the compost crate to see if you girls really know what you're doing.
Blanche: Rose, we told you we didn't want your help. Why, we are gonna take it over first thing in the morning for the public community garden.
Rose: You really do think I'm stupid, don't you? I know you girls are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Blanche: No really. We aren't. If you think so, look for yourself.
Rose: I just think I might.
Blanche: No Rose. Let's have some cheescake, k? You don't wanna be touchin' that nasty ole' garbage at this time of night. You already smelled how bad the odor is.
Rose: I'll be the judge of that, Blanche.
Blanche: Wait! I gotta tell you one 'lil thing. You don't wanna look in that crate.
Rose: I want to.
Blanche: Don't say I didn't warn you.
Rose pulls open the lid of the crate with great effort. Instantly, a rank odor pervades the garage.
Rose: That smell. It's so strong.
Blanche: What did I tell you, honey? It's pretty bad.
Rose: There are big dumplings floating around in the muck.
Blanche: Oh gosh. Look, Rose.
Blanche pulls out one of the heads by the hair. The eyes of the man's head are bulbous and bloodshot. Black glop is exuding from the eyelids.
Rose: It's a...it's a...
Blanche: Told ya.
Rose: I'd like to say I'm shocked, but strangely, I feel a little whoozy and funny.
Blanche: Well, let's get back to bed. It ain't our fault Sophia brought home a crate full of heads in black slime.
Rose: Just a minute Blanche. Set the head down on the floor.
Blanche: Why?
Rose: Just do what I say.
Blanche sets the head down on the concrete floor. Rose begins to poke the head's eyeball with her long, sharp fingernail. The eyeball stretches inward like saggy plastic wrap. Rose then twiddles the man's grey hair between her fingers, running her other hand gently down the slope of the head's concave cranium.
Rose: Ooooooo!
Rose starts to lick the head's eyeball, caressing the ear, slurping the waxy sludge from the head's lips.
Blanche: Just what are you doing, Rose?
Rose continues to hypnotically rub the head, wiggling her bottom back and forth like a delighted bitch in heat. Rose strips her panties off, slowly, and sits on the head.
Rose: Ooooooooo!
Blanche: What the hell?
Rose: Oh my stars! Oh my stars!
Blanche: ROSE?
Rose: He looks just like Charlie!
Blanche: Honey, stop that. Stop that. Girls? GIRLS!
Scene 3: Cumming to
Sophia and Dorothy run to the garage and stand in astonishment as Rose gyrates on top of the addled head.
Dorothy: What is she doing?
Blanche: She's been doing that, and I don't know why. Seems like she's hypnotized or somethin'.
Sophia: Snap out of it, Rose. Wake up.
Sophia smacks Rose in the face and pushes her off of the head. Rose lies on the floor, unconscious. The girls flock over to Rose and furiously try to revive her.
Dorothy: Rose? Rose? Wake up.
Blanche: Rose, WAKE UP NOW! Wake up, honey!
Rose slowly starts to come to. She looks around the room in confusion.
Rose: Where...where am I?
Sophia: You're in the garage. You just passed out after having that rotten head give cunnilingus to you.
Rose: What? Please. I need to breathe. That smell, it makes me feel...hoppy.
Sophia: Open up the garage door.
Fresh air wafts into the garage as Rose stands to her feet.
Blanche: Are you all right, honey?
Rose: I think so, but I have this strange feeling in my private place. It hurts a little.
Dorothy: Well show us! You don't have anything we haven't seen before.
Sophia: Maybe not you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Ma, I got that little thing removed ages ago because I was born a hermaph...nevermind.
Sophia: Show us the goods, Rose.
Rose lifts up her nighty to reveal a mucky, black pool gurgling from her vagina. Little segmented worms swim in and out and an insufferable odor emanates into the house.
Sophia: Now that's just wrong.
Blanche: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Rose: What is it? What is it?
Dorothy: From what I've heard, you just let a decapitated, rotting head eat you out. What do you expect?
Blanche: Sheesh, honey.
Rose: Call an ambulance!
Scene 4: For the Sake of the World
(Cue cheesy instrumental music)
In the hospital waiting room, the girls wait in trepidation. Suddenly, a nurse screams and runs down the hallway. A rush of doctors, nurses, and orderlies follow suit in pandemonium.
Dorothy: What is happening?
Nurse: Some lady jumped off the ER table and started eating a man's face. She's biting everyone. A ZOMBIE!
Blanche: What?
Dorothy: A zombie, Blanche!
Sophia: Must be Rose.
The girls run into the hallway and see Rose at the far end, walking mechanically forward with gore all over her face and her disheveled afro.
Sophia: What do we do?
Dorothy: I...I don't know.
Blanche: Well, I do. I'm gonna go talk some sense into Rose. She needs to stop this right away because I am tired and I have to get up in the morning for three dates.
Blanche saunters over to Rose and confronts her face to face. Rose looks at Blanche in dazed perplexity.
Blanche: Now, Rose. Stop this foolishness right now. I need to get my beauty sleep. You are being very selfish and you need to quit it right this instant. Look at my wrinkles! I'm practically getting' one a minute waiting around here for you to get over your rash or whatever it was.
Rose claws Blanche's head and tears a huge chunk of flesh off of her face. She starts to eat it and relish.
Blanche: Owww! What have you done? My beauty! My beauty! It's ruined.
Rose bites Blanche's neck and starts to eat her twitching body.
Dorothy: Blanche! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sophia: At least the world will be rid of most of the STD epidemics going around.
Dorothy: Ma, shut up and do something!
Sophia: I'm going home. Good luck, Dorothy.
Sophia runs out of the hospital as Rose inches closer and closer to Dorothy at the opposite end of the hall.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry I have to do this, but I have to.
Dorothy picks up a surgical scalpel lying on the floor and aims it for reference at Rose's head. She forcefully throws the blade toward her target. The scalpel twists as it flies through the air and slices through Rose's forehead. Rose falls to the floor. Dorothy slowly walks towards her fallen friend, taking her lifeless body in her arms.
Dorothy: My friend, I'm sorry. I had to for the sake of the world, you know. What a waste. She had such a nice rack...
The End