Jimmy's dead. He was thirteen, and now he's dead. That's not how most people do it, but everything is just so not the same. My fault. It's my fault, my fault, my fault. And I can hear him as I beg, please, please, please, and I beg, beg, beg, and he says gurgle, gurgle, gurgle as pain replaces words.
He was hurting, I could hear his pain and it bubbled to the surface, all red and angry and red and wet. So much of it, coming, coming, coming out of one tiny hole. He's mad at me for putting no pennies, because now he can't pay Charon and be faired to the gates of judgment. He sees his sister, she sees him, and she screams to him, and I see them but they don't see me. And then she does, and she is screaming at me, angry now, angry that her brother can't come to her, and she bangs, bangs, bangs on the gate, and it's my fault, my fault, my fault.
I'm sorry, and I am, really, and I open my mouth, but more pain comes out because I am not welcome here, and Charon has cut out my tongue as frequency. I can get on the boat now, but it won't matter, because Jimmy is mad, mad, mad, and I tell him he can use his eyes, but he won't. And I am not dead, and Jimmy is all gone, and soon I am in the river, surrounded by penniless others. No way out, oh well.
It wouldn't matter because Jimmy is all gone, he's dead and he's gone and he's gone, gone, gone.
And I see how Hal looks at me, and all he does is blame, blame, blame, and hate, hate, hate, and Weaver and Matt are scared – they think I don't see.
And there is no place for me now, and I must go, because all I do is love, love, love, and I hate, hate, hate it because nobody cares anymore.
Wake up, says my mom, but it isn't her voice, and she isn't here, but then she is, and then she's gone. Pound, pound, pound, and Wake up, Wake up, Wake up! Over and over, and so I do, and Hateful Hal is looking down at me, and he is terrified, and Matt is hitting my chest, and there's a shadow in the corner, so I point to it and try to warn them, but I can't because my mouth is already full of screaming.
And Hal is scared, scared, scared, and I think it's of me, but something else says it's for me, but I push it aside, because this is easier if he hates me. And he yells at the shadow, and it comes to me, and it has facial hair and a face like my brother's.
Ben! Says a voice, and it is shaking, shaking, shaking me, and it shakes my brain and makes me hurt, and then all the noise stops all at once, and then I am still, but the world is not, it rushes in all at once, and then it all goes away.
There is a light, and a voice, and I know it, but it's far away and I'm so sleepy and why can't it just leave me alone? Then the light flashes, flashes, flashes on the other side of my vision, and I am upside-down, and suddenly falling off my swing, hitting my head, and it hurts, hurts, hurts, and I cry, cry, cry and my mom is holding me and my dad is holding my head, trying to stop all the pain that is oozing out into the backseat of the car, and I am tiny, and it hurts, and then a man that is all white is looking at me close, and he puts a bracelet on my wrist and says I have to stay here for the night.
And then it is all gone, and my world is black, and I can hear dad yelling to me and Hal telling Matt, and Anne is begging, but it doesn't matter because there is no Charon where I am going, and Jimmy isn't angry anymore, and my mom is yelling at me to put up my bike and come home, so I ride, ride, ride, ride to the sound of her voice, and vaguely wonder why I'm not scared, because I know I am dying, but I miss, miss, miss my mom, and I don't care anymore.
And then I see her, and I see Rick and Jimmy, and my grandparents, and they are all smiling, smiling, smiling at me, and there is no river, and no little Boland sister banging on the gates, and I have my tongue, and Jimmy has his eyes, and we are all happy, happy, happy.
And I do not think of Daddy or Hal or Matt or Anne or Matt or the bottle of pills that I wasted on me for this second chance with my mom, and I do not care about the skitters or the rebels as I walk into a golden pathway that forms as I go.