The Presidential Alphabet Game
The 2016 presidential election was fast approaching. Everyone was excited to see who would become the 45th President of the United States. Steve Schmidt was one of those excited people. After 8 years of Democratic President Barack Obama, he felt his Republican Party would deliver the next man into the White House. However, when he arrived at campaign headquarters that morning, he saw all was not well. Reince Priebus, the Chairman of the GOP, seemed despondent.
"What's the matter, Reince?" Schmidt asked.
"Just look," Reince replied. He flicked on the television screen. CNN came on. As Steve listened, he learned about a new law that President Obama had recently signed. The law seemed harmless enough, until some pork-barrel fine print was reached. The fine print stated the United States had to elect Presidents and Vice Presidents whose last names began with letters never belonging to previous Presidents and Vice Presidents. Anyone else who did not fit this criteria was forbidden from running or even filing any papers with the Electoral Commission.
Steve swore loudly. "How could this happen? And with a Republican Congress?"
Reince looked at his feet. "None of our Representatives or Senators read the fine print closely. This bill was introduced by the Democrats. We were…fooled."
"Fooled?! Children are fooled! We have just been deep-sixed!"
"So have the Democrats," Reince pointed out. "This applies to both parties."
Both men continued to watch CNN. As news of the fine print in the law leaked, Tea Partiers and even many liberals had protested; the former group calling for nullification. This was ludicrous, of course, as nothing would come of that. What's more, the Democrats on the Supreme Court had already declared they would not hear any challenges to the law.
Schmidt's jawline hardened. "I'm calling an emergency meeting in 30 minutes!"
30 minutes later, Schmidt, Preibus and other GOP bigwigs sat around a large conference table. Everyone was on edge.
"Ok," said Preibus. "Let's review: the fine print states that we can only elect Presidents and Vice Presidents whose first letters of their last name have been unused by previous Presidents and Vice Presidents…"
"Until such time that all the letters of the alphabet have been used at least once." finished Charles Koch, one of the Party's billionaire donors. His brother, David, scoffed.
"What a fucking stupid law," he growled.
Schmidt held up a hand. "Well, what are the letters that have not been used yet?" One of his assistants hurried around the table and handed him a small slip of paper. Schmidt read the slip once over quickly, then placed it on a projector, where it was instantly displayed on a screen at one end of the room. It read:
US President (8 letters): D, I, Q, S, U, X, Y, Z
US Vice President (9 letters): E, I, L, O, P, U, X, Y, Z
Everyone in the room except Schmidt groaned. "Well, there goes our entire prospective field that we have been studying for months. None of the potential candidates qualify." said a despondent David Koch. Indeed, most of the Republican field (Cruz, Paul, Jeb Bush, Christie, Jindal, Rubio, Walker) were all out. On the other hand, there was some relief, as major Democratic players (Hillary Rodham Clinton, VP Joe Biden, Andrew Cuomo and even Martin O'Malley) were out. This came up in discussion.
"Fine," said Preibus, "but who is anybody supposed to run who fits this criteria and has enough star power/name recognition?" The next few minutes were spent throwing out names - and then getting them shot down.
"Santorum! He's probably the only one from our original field who still makes the cut!"
"He'll need to expand his base beyond the evangelicals, though. That's a tall order."
"Daryl Issa!"
"They'll be riots in the streets. The Democrats hate his guts and they'll steer away any independents or moderates with them. Besides, even some of us here don't like him - he's an asshole!"
"Dan Quayle! Former Vice President, people know him!"
"Are you kidding? We'll get laughed out of the Convention!"
Steve slammed his hand down on the table. "Well, we have to tap somebody - multiple people to make a primary field - or there won't BE a convention!" He then ordered his people to appeal to all of the above mentioned - despite protests.
"Next order of business:" he bellowed over the din. " making a VP shortlist - and also finding out who the Democrats might run."
The VP shortlist took less time. The likes of Senator Joni Ernst, Gov. Butch Otter, Senator Rob Portman, Gov. Tim Pawlenty were added, among others. Then, attention turned to the Democrats.
"Here's what I propose," said Schmidt. "The Democrats are ham-stringed just as much as we are, except that they have more people who fit this criteria and who people know. Bernie Sanders will caucus on their side, even though he's an Independent. Brian Schweitzer will be considered as well…"
"And besides them, they'll run the likes of Howard Dean and the Udall brothers? Is that what you're saying?" Preibus asked.
"They probably will. What's more, we all have a little more wriggle room - but the Dems especially - for VP. I bet they will put up O'Malley or Rahm Emmanuel or even the Udall brothers for that. Hell, they might try Joe Lieberman again." With all this information in mind the meeting was adjourned, with the Republicans ready to face one hell of a nominating contest.
A few weeks later, the rehearsal for the Iowa caucus debates arrived. The country had swallowed the law's blow and was fired up. Preibus met Schmidt outside the Republican's debate hall.
"Wait till you see them!" He presented the stage with a flourish. "Steve: one of these men will be the next President of the United States!"
It was quite a sight: 8 men stood upon the podium. Rick Santorum was espousing Bible Scripture, Daryl Issa had a scowl on his face as he reviewed notes and former Vice President Dan Quayle was warming up by having the moderators quiz him.
"Alright, Mr. Vice President, the word is: potato."
"Potato: P-O-T-A-T-O…E. Potatoe." A buzzer sounded, indicating the spelling was wrong. "Dag-nabbit!"
Steve turned slowly to Reince, a look of pure horror on his face. "We're doomed." Arizona Governor Doug Ducey, Representative Fred Upton, Representative Don Young and former US Interior Department official and released felon Mark Zachares were also in. "Who did the Democrats tap?"
Preibus pointed to a TV. 7 Democrats were on a similar podium in Los Angeles: former Gov. Howard Dean, Gov. Jay Inslee, former Gov. Pat Quinn, Sen. Bernie Sanders, former Sen. Mark Udall, aging former Representative Andrew Young and former US Ambassador to Bahrain Sam H. Zakhem.
Steve snarled. "Well, they already have a more impressive field than we do."
"Yeah, but they don't have a former Vice President up there," Reince pointed out.
"They also don't have a former Vice President up there who, after 25 years, still can't spell the word 'potato'!" Steve hissed. He pointed to the stage. "You better get this circus whipped into presidential shape soon, or there WILL be a Democrat in the White House for another 4 years!" He stomped away, leaving Preibus crestfallen.
The nominating contest for both sides went better than anticipated. As a former Vice President (and with lots of coaching), Dan Quayle managed to hold onto some star power and seem intelligent. He ultimately won the nomination, and tapped Gov. Tim Pawlenty as his VP running mate. The Democrats was a much more intense contest. Ultimately, Bernie Sanders came out on top and he chose Sen. Mark Udall for VP. The general election was brutal to the end. When the polls closed, Quayle emerged the victor. Democrats were more despondent than when Al Gore had lost in 2000.
Quayle and Pawlenty took the oaths of office on January 20th, 2017. As the new administration progressed, challenges to the Presidential Alphabet law (as it was coming to be known) were made, but they all failed to even reach the Supreme Court. Repeals were also thwarted, as Congress was divided once again with Democrats back in control of the Senate.
As President, Quayle struggled. By the time 2020 rolled around, the Democrats were thirsty for blood. Quayle could become the first incumbent President to lose re-election since his old boss, Bush 41, in 1992. The Quayle-Pawlenty ticket was re-nominated, and the Democrats put in Bernie Sanders again for an epic re-match. This time, though, Martin O'Malley was nominated for VP. Sanders emerged victorious, and on 1/20/21, he became the 46th President. He won re-election easily.
In 2028, the GOP met once again to kibitz who would be put forward for the White House. The field was smaller, with only 6 candidates allowed per field this time - sometimes smaller, if a government official with a certain letter could not be found. Doug Ducey ran for a second time, and he picked Daryl Issa for VP once he had the nomination. Facing him was Mark Udall, with Sam H. Zakhem as VP. Ducey and Issa won handily and were inaugurated the following January.
However, 18 months later, tragedy struck. While leaving a fundraiser, Ducey was gunned down by a deranged man, becoming the fifth President - and the first since JFK - to be assassinated. Issa was sworn in as the 48th President later that same day. He chose Joni Ernst as the first female Vice President. Only 9 months later, however, Ernst resigned over an extra-martial affair. Senator Mike Lee was nominated and confirmed in her place.
That fall, the GOP sat down for an emergency meeting. They had an incumbent in Issa, but a divisive one at that, and were unsure if they should have somebody primary him. With Congress still divided by the Democrats however, the cursed law was still in effect, so they still did not have many options. Reince Preibus sighed. "What are the letters?" U, X, Y and Z for President; and the same for Vice President. "Who do we have?" Uh…nobody, was the answer. And neither do the Democrats. Everyone was worried. How were they supposed to have an election for 2032?
Then, fate smiled upon the United States. The Congress pushed through a successful bill to repeal the Alphabet law. President Issa signed it! Now, both parties could nominate whomever they wanted again.
Years later, in happy retirement, Reince Preibus would tell the story of the Presidential Alphabet struggle to his family…and look back and laugh.